Seen my ex and realised I still miss her

[Techusy]

This is a really long post so please bear with me.

I got out of a toxic relationship around 2 years ago and have been missing my ex a lot lately, I've also seen her with another guy which hurt for me to see.

I see her around as we live close to each other, we first together 7 years ago but I broke it off as I found out she was engaged to someone else. During that time she got divorced and I stupidly took her back a few years later, she did admit to being in multiple relationships and talking to other guys since then.

But I broke it off a year and a half ago We got close and had some nice moments but I kept noticing how open she is with other guys and how she'd claim that every other guy was interested in her, she kept pushing me for marriage and kept blaming me for moving too slow just because I didn't want to rush in to marriage.

Everytime we'd argue about it, she would always say that it's my fault that things are moving slow and that she doesn't like being with someone who can't commit.

She would always say how she wants someone who loves her more than she loves themselves, that's not normal right?? And She always used to say that she wanted me to open up to her and tell her how I feel and that I can talk to her about anything if I'm ever upset.

So I did when I mentioned that I didn't like how open she is with other guys, she said that she didn't want to be with anyone that's insecure just like her ex husband was (even though she'd already cheated on her ex husband with me which was unknown to me at the time, so he had a reason to feel insecure).

I don't get why she'd tell me to talk to her about anything then end up throwing it back in my face! I told her I'm not happy so we agreed to end it, I was confused at first cos she used to tell me that she misses me everyday and after that conversation she ended up blocking me off everything at the start which I thought was childish.

After we broke up she messaged me on Christmas day saying: 'I just wanted to message you to say that I hope you’re okay and that I feel as though I’m ready to stay as friends with you if that’s what you wanted.. I didn’t think I would ever be able to say that we could stay as friends but I feel like I’m in a good place and I know everything has worked out for the best and I would be really happy to have you as a friend But if you don’t want to hear from me that’s okay too just let me know x' I did reply to her saying that I don't think it's a good idea and I wished her well. She just replied with a simple 'that's fine no worries x'.

I'm trying to not think about her messaging me, but I feel like I was really getting in to the healing process and was really focused on other aspects of my life such as my career. I know I deserve better but I see her quite often as we live near one another and I can't help but still feel hurt and a part of me still misses her. We were quite sexually active together and i think thats whats making me miss her more.

I do feel like I have enough anger for the way she treated me to be able to ignore her. I do still feel angry over the situation, not sure if that's normal or not. I have my own auto detailing business which I run on the side of my career and on the weekend, I have a social media page for it and I have set it as a public profile because it is only for business content and I never put anything personal on it.

In the past when we'd argue, she'd always say that if we broke up it would be my loss.

I sometimes feel sad as I'm alone and haven't dated anyone since her, I often see her around and feel as though I miss her but I know those feelings are only from loneliness so I have every intention of staying away from her.

I've tried keeping myself distracted by focusing on my career and business, she has tried messaging me a couple months back by sending some charity chain messages although they could be her way of breadcrumbing? I always see her around as we live near one another, there were times where I used to try and get her attention because I missed her but now I just feel angry because I feel like I let her get away with a lot.

I saw her around 6 months ago and she saw me too and she messaged straight after saying 'hope your good', i don't understand why would she do that I keep seeing her around and I know deep down I know I shouldn't let her get away with treating me do badly, I miss her and sometimes feel stuck.

A couple of days ago I seen someone that looks like her with another guy but couldn't tell if it was actually her as it was from a distance, I don't know why I'm overthinking it but I think thats whats making me miss her more.

I miss her but I know it's only because I have a trauma bond with her, I've only began to realise how much I let her get away with and it's making me angry to think that she seems as though she can go and live a normal life after treating me like that.

She last randomly text me about 4 months saying 'Hi! Do you want your white cap back? It's just that it's in my wardrobe and I never wear it, you might actually get some wear out of it!'.

She also messaged me 3 days after that to say 'Happy Eid, hope you had a amazing day'. (For context, eid is a religious holiday that both me and her celebrate).

I found it odd that she'd message me twice in the same week but hasn't said anything after, we do usually see each other around but she's never messaged that often not even a birthday message or new years etc.

My father and brother run a grocery store which she often visits, I don't go there often as I have my own job but I do sometimes see her when I'm there helping out. I also think she has blocked my number now but can't be too sure of that, she hasn't blocked me on social media although we don't follow each other.

I saw her today at our store, she looked right at me. I feel like I still miss her. I don't know what to do.

[ShySoul]

You know what to do. You said it in your post.

21 minutes ago, Techusy said:

I know those feelings are only from loneliness so I have every intention of staying away from her.

21 minutes ago, Techusy said:

I miss her but I know it's only because I have a trauma bond with her, I've only began to realise how much I let her get away with and it's making me angry to think that she seems as though she can go and live a normal life after treating me like that

You called the relationship toxic. She got involved with you while with someone else. She's bragging about other guys being interested while she is suppose to be with you and claims to want to marry you. She blames you for not committing, when she is the one with a history of not committing. She calls you insecure, when she shows signs of being the insecure one. That's called projection. It's easier to find fault with the other person then to admit all the problems you see deep down within yourself. You told her you couldn't stay friends, so keep to that. Avoid her as much as possible. If you see her, keep it to a quick hi at most, and I wouldn't blame you if you turned around and avoided her completely.

I think part of your issue comes from the anger you said. Someone once behaved towards me in a similar manner, blaming me for issues while ignoring all the hurtful things she was doing. When it ended, it wasn't the ending that hurt as much as it was how thoughtless and inconsiderate her behavior was. I opened my heart to her, put myself at risk, and she seemingly thought she could do whatever she wanted without realizing how her actions made me feel. I had to get the anger out, so I wrote it all down and sent it to her. I think you need to get that anger out. Write it all down. You don't have to send it, though you can if you want. But just the act of getting it all out, of seeing it spelled out in front of you, can be cathartic. 

The other part of the problem comes from the lonliness you mentioned. If you feel alone, you are more likely to ruminate on the whole experience with her. So keep busy, and not just with the business. There is a reason it's called work. It's not generally the thing that will make us happiest or cheer us up when we are down. So find what you like to do for fun and throw yourself into it. Find something that sparks joy inside you. Follow a passion, pursue a dream. The more you focus on positive activites that make you happier, the less that lonliness will bring you down.

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, Techusy said:

She would always say how she wants someone who loves her more than she loves themselves, that's not normal right??

It is. For a narcissist like her. Narcissists dont need love, they need worshiping. So they need somebody to basically worship them. If you are asking why she got mad when you were displeased how she handles herself with other men, that is why she turned it around on you and how you are this and that. Because narcissists cant handle something being on them since they are perfect in their own head. So it needs to be somebody else fault otherwise their whole persona crashes. So they basically "gaslight" themselves. "Its not because my actions are bad, its because all those people around me are insecure". 

And I would look her contacting you in the same way. She doesnt do it because she misses you or wants to be your friend. She does it because she wants your attention. Same with other men and how she handles them. She does it because she enjoys being in the center of attention. And you did well by not accepting that. Always remember that she doesnt want you. Just your attention.

That being said, you knew she was a liar and a cheater from the start. There was no need to even start the serious relationship with somebody like that. In all those years you wasted on her, you could have found somebody who was loyal and loving. So, that part is also on you. Dont ignore stuff like that when you start relationship. As you can see, people dont change. Somebody who lied to you and cheated their fiance with you, wont be a loyal girlfriend or wife if you decide to be in a relationship with her.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Techusy said:

I sometimes feel sad as I'm alone and haven't dated anyone since her, I often see her around and feel as though I miss her but I know those feelings are only from loneliness so I have every intention of staying away from her.

Try to avoid her if possible. Please delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Please start talking to and dating other women. This isn't even about her anymore. It's about being lonely and needing to move forward. 

Is this the same woman?:

 

[Batya33]

What kind of friendship? You already don't want to hear about her interactions with other men but friends talk about that stuff.  Doesn't sound like you two have common values.

[NighttimeNightmare]

Saw*

[smackie9]

Reality check: As you can see her game is manipulation. She manipulates you and all those guys. She does it for the attention and the control. So whatever sweet messages she sends you, they are not sincere. She's just looking for an ego boost and see if she can still pull on your heart strings. Why? I would say she has some kind of narcissistic behaviour. Narcissists are insecure people and always seek out validation in how great they are and want to be admired. A lot of people fall for this type and find it difficult to wrap their head around how someone can be so cruel that made you love them so much. That's how they work. The quicker you know it was all manipulation for their own gain, the quicker you will snap out of this.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Techusy said:

she kept pushing me for marriage and kept blaming me for moving too slow just because I didn't want to rush in to marriage.she also messaged me 3 days after that to say 'Happy Eid, hope you had a amazing day'. (For context, eid is a religious holiday that both me and her celebrate).

Since you run into each other a lot it seems she's trying to be polite or friendly. Perhaps she was scheduled for an arranged marriage or only dates for the purposes of marriage. You didn't want that with her so it's logical she moved on. 

[catfeeder]

20 hours ago, Techusy said:

I've only began to realise how much I let her get away with and it's making me angry to think that she seems as though she can go and live a normal life after treating me like that.

Congrats for being strong enough to recognize a lost cause and break up with her. While anger is a natural part of grieving, do you think you may have suppressed that during the last year, and so it's only coming out now?

I raise this because statements like yours above can become dangerous if you stoke that flame, and it could wreck your life.

First, this woman is not living a 'normal' life, she's a flake. She takes that with her wherever she goes, and she'll inflict it upon whoever she meets. She behaved in ways that eventually signaled to you that she's not a stable person with whom you can enjoy happiness and a desirable future, and so it's best not to glamorize the good times in favor of overlooking exactly what kind of hell you'd be living if you had kept her in your life.

If you see her with a guy, consider him to be worth some degree of pity because you already know what he's in for.

Meanwhile, your businesses may consume much of your time, but I second @ShySoul's suggestion to explore potential interests and untapped talents in order to find a focus beyond working hard. If you can develop a go-to passion for something that's strictly for fun, you'll have a basis for meeting others who share your interests. Common ground is the way that most friendships are formed, whether it's a social cause, animal welfare, community service or even something private like art studies or creative writing or nature walks, or whatever.

You can expand you social reach and enliven the part of you that's lonely. However, rumination on the past is the opposite of that, and it's also a barrier to happiness.

Head high.

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

First, this woman is not living a 'normal' life, she's a flake. She takes that with her wherever she goes, and she'll inflict it upon whoever she meets.

I'll second that point. People who feel the need to behave as she has, constantly seeking attention and blaming others only appear normal and happy on the outside. Inside they tend to have a lot of issues that ultimately just drag themselves down and hurt anyone they are near. Until they are ready to honestly address themselves, they won't really be happy. It's best to steer clear of them and if anything, feel sorry for them as they are the ones who have to put up with their own nonsense all the time. Consider yourself lucky to have escaped.

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

If you can develop a go-to passion for something that's strictly for fun, you'll have a basis for meeting others who share your interests.

And those friendships will be grounded in something real and meaningful, making them more likely to last. Who knows, something more might come from it. And if it doesn't, you'll be having to much fun to care. 

Hope you feel better.