HELP!! What does he mean and what should I do?

[xbelieve]

I already posted my story before but it was not completely correct. Please help me I really need advice!!

Hello, I am having a lot of trouble to understand what people really mean especially in the dating area. I am hoping some of you could help me understand so I can decide what I should do. Sorry if my story is quite long.

So a while ago I (F) had a party at work (100+ people) and at the end of the evening I have kissed with one of my direct co workers (M) after spending the whole night together laughing and talking. I also invited him to stay over and sleep on my coach (legit) because he had to walk far when going with public transport. He declined and told me it was not a good idea to come with me and that he liked me enough to first drink coffee. The next day he invited me for coffee the following day. In the mean time there have been some text messages but not many. These text messages had kisses and shy smiley faces in them.

We met at his house to have drinks (non alcoholic). I stayed there for 4 hours and we also kissed. During kissing he called me beautiful and smiled a lot. When kissing we eventually laid down on the couch. I used a joke to get off of him and just talk further since I am not interested in sex so soon. We also talked about us not being interested in one night stands or emotionless sex. He even said he had a period he thought he might have not been interested in sex (asexual) at all. This was all during a good conversation. He even said he might wants to do other work in a few months and made some comments/jokes about couples which he ended by saying ''these are things you shouldn't say so soon''.

Somewhere in the middle of the meet up things just changed. This was after all of the above. We just talked but he barely looked at me. The conversation was very one-sided he was only talkng about himself and (for me) not in a good way. He basicly only said things that would turn somebody off (in my opinion) but said he just wanted me to have a honest and clear picture about him. He also made a comment about his ex being smoking hot (like a 9) and that he still doesnt understand what she wanted with someone like him (like a 6). He also told me that I am not his type (looks). I joked a few times that it looked like he wanted me to leave as soon as possible and he joked that most people already would have ran away by now.

During this awkward one-sided 'conversation' we also talked about when to leave. He looked at the time and said half an hour or something. Yet we stayed together for an hour and a half.

At the end we walked towards our cars (he was going somewhere else) and his car was one stair further down. He just stopped at the stairs on my floor and said ''I have to go one more down''. I actually figured he would walk me to his car. After that he hugged me and said see you on monday. We then awkwardly stared into each others eyes untill someone came in the garage. He then said ''I am not a public guy'' and left.

After the meet up I had a strange feeling and didnt know what to think. Later that day I asked him if he had done the thing he would do that night. We didnt really talk much after. Two days later I asked him to come drink something at my place and he replied that he would like that but he felt like I was having more feelings for him than he had for me since his feelings weren't mucht yet. He also said it could still happen but he just wanted to be honest. I replied that I didnt know where his response was coming from and that it was not the case. I also asked him if it was a polite way of rejecting me. He answered ''oh I am sorry I misunderstood shall we leave it at this for now?''. Since we are coworkers I asked what he meant and said his rejection was too subtle for me (if it was). He then replied he might have been more clear and that at this moment he only wants to drink something as friends but that he would understand if I wanted to keep things more professional. I said to him that that was not the case, that I had fun and really wanted to go for drinks as friends. After that he just made a stupid joke off topic which I didnt really reply to because I thought it was a bit weird. He also said he was punished for his clumsy choice of words and had a stomach ache. I wished him good luck with that. A few hours later I asked him if the stomach ache was going better and I made a stupid joke related to his. He replied the next day saying ''haha''.

At work nothing has changed, before everything we didn't really speak at work and we still don't. Side note: we work from home most days. The only day we go to the office he didn't show.

Can someone please help me explain what he meant and what I should do next? I am not in love or having many feelings I am just interested in seeing if we are compatible. Being friends is also on my list (most of my friends are male). I just don't want to be the idiot that texts him or invites him as a friend while he might just tried to be polite.

[Batya33]

You’re been extremely aggressive IMO pursuing sex with him. That’s the clear impression I get. Then you pulled back. Which is fine. You always can say no. And it’s also fine if he then feels ok I guess she just wanted to see how much she could come on to me and have some fun. 
I think leading with inviting a coworker you hooked up with home with you just because he has to walk to a station makes no sense. Why not offer to help him get an Uber ? 

[xbelieve]

38 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You’re been extremely aggressive IMO pursuing sex with him. That’s the clear impression I get. Then you pulled back. Which is fine. You always can say no. And it’s also fine if he then feels ok I guess she just wanted to see how much she could come on to me and have some fun. 
I think leading with inviting a coworker you hooked up with home with you just because he has to walk to a station makes no sense. Why not offer to help him get an Uber ? 

We had a party with alcoholic drinks and just because we had talked and laughed so much I did not want him to leave, so that was actually the only reason why I asked him to come to my place. He declined and told me he wanted to get me coffee sometime which we did. 

So he got the impression I would sleep with him and he would rather do it with a coffee a few days later? After that he found out I was not interested in sex but in something serious and then he rejected me? 

[Jaunty]

He's not interested.  I'm surprised that you haven't caught on to that.  I know it feels crappy to like someone who does not reciprocate (yes, I know he *sort of* was acting keen for a bit, but it stopped dead) but it happens to pretty much everybody at some point.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, xbelieve said:

We had a party with alcoholic drinks and just because we had talked and laughed so much I did not want him to leave, so that was actually the only reason why I asked him to come to my place. He declined .

Sorry this happened. He's being upfront that he's not interested in what you're interested in, rather than stringing you along. That's ok. Not everyone is your match even if you have a crush on him. Step back, be professional at work and date men who are interested in what you're interested in. There's a lot less confusion and frustration that way. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Work parties and alcohol aren't a good combo.

Dating people you see at work daily is usually a no no

[Batya33]

I think he thought better of your transparent invitation. Yes - that’s the impression you gave. I once unintentionally gave a coworker a very similar wrong impression. Luckily i realized before he came to my place that evening. He’s not your match and may have been concerned about how forward you were considering you work together. I originally met my husband at work. But not in this way and not with this approach at all. 

[ShySoul]

I don't think you were too forward and aggressive. He declined the first invite and you respected that. He offered to have coffee with you and he was kissing you back. He said you were beautiful. I think you're confusion lies in why he went from hot to cold so quickly. He gave every indication of having some interest, then changed to seemingly having no interest and trying to push you away. It's really impossible to figure out why. How old is he? My guess, without knowing much about him, would be that he doesn't have much experience and that things seemed to be going too fast. So he pushed you away in rather immature manner. 

Regardless, if he doesn't want anything, then it's his lose. Don't worry yourself with trying to figure it out. Stay polite and friendly with him, treating him as you would any other co-worker. But don't go out of your way. Just let the chips fall where they will.

[Sindy_0311]

16 hours ago, xbelieve said:

A few hours later I asked him if the stomach ache was going better and I made a stupid joke related to his. He replied the next day saying ''haha''.

I understand that this situation was is a bit confusing at the beginning... You kissed at the end of the party. And when you offered him sleeping on your couch he declined, saying he rather offer coffee someday. This, at first sounds like a guy who is genuinely interested in taking things slow and trying to know you better. If he was after sex, he could have come and sleep at your place, but he didn't.

After that things became more confusing I think. Maybe he realized he wasn't that interested in you, maybe he never was to begin with, but because you had a great time at the party he kissed you, just for fun... some people do that. 

My feeling is that this guy is emotionally unavailable or has self-confidence issues. He confessed he wasn't into sex and depicted a poor image of himself while talking. If a healthy man is attracted to a woman, why would he say those negative things about himself? It makes no sense. When seducing a woman, they usually present the best version of themselves, even tend to brag a bit about their accomplishments etc... A man talking negative about himself is a huge red flag in my opinion. Maybe he was expecting you to reassure him by telling something like, you are more than a 6 or I think you are high value etc... from what you describe he sounds like a man struggling with his masculinity and seeking reassurance. I guess it would have gone worse through time...better leave this one alone... and, no, don't hang out with him as friends, he is too complicated to have a healthy friendly relationship with. 

I quoted the part you explain about texts. I'm wondering why you reached out again when you felt that he was pulling away. My advice is, when a man pulls away, you do the same. I also think that you were the one always reaching out to him. 

16 hours ago, xbelieve said:

I also asked him if it was a polite way of rejecting me. He answered ''oh I am sorry I misunderstood shall we leave it at this for now?'

"Shall we leave it at this for now?" - if a man suggests leaving it, you better believe that it is what he wants... I'm not sure to understand at what point you need more clarity... 

He is a colleague you kissed once after a party, you had one "date" together and things just fizzled out because he wasn't interested for more. End of story, next. 

Happy Christmas to you from Switzerland!!!

[smackie9]

All things point to this guy being insecure about himself. When things were getting hot and heavy on the couch you pushed off and just talked. He felt rejected so it made him more insecure about himself. Getting weird/awkward is how he copes. I say you dodged a bullet. He's a numbnut.

[Cookie24]

It's clear that this guy has serious self esteem issues and probably fear of abandonment issues as well. I'd say you dodged a bullet, because it never works out with such people. They need to work on themselves first because getting into a relationship. 

You're wasting your precious time and energy trying to analyze what happened and getting closure. It doesn't matter now, what matters is that this guy isn't interested in you and you shouldn't be too. People liking you means they like you, it doesn't mean they are going to like you all the time.. at some point people start losing interest. Mature people would stick around even if they do, immature people start pulling away and playing games like this guy. Be grateful that things ended soon, this could have gone for another few months and probably even years. 

Lack of experience is a major issue in the dating world, especially for men who find it difficult to express and regulate their emotions. 

I'd say forget about him, move on. You're beautiful and you deserve someone better. Life is too short, don't waste time analyzing and overthinking about "potentials". You'd never understand what was going on in his head, unless you ask.. and even then chances he would tell you the truth are very slim. Remember if a guy wants you, he would move mountains to be with you, and this idea itself should bring you relief. 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

21 hours ago, xbelieve said:

I am just interested in seeing if we are compatible.

But it's pretty clear that he isn't. 

I would not keep trying to make something happen with him. He isn't reciprocating and that's all you need to know to drop this one and move on. 

[catfeeder]

On 12/22/2023 at 12:30 PM, xbelieve said:

He also made a comment about his ex being smoking hot (like a 9) .. He also told me that I am not his type (looks).

I can't understand why you'd be interested in someone who would speak to you like this.

This guy is a tool. Raise your bar.

[TheCrow]

On 12/22/2023 at 5:30 PM, xbelieve said:

I already posted my story before but it was not completely correct. Please help me I really need advice!!

Hello, I am having a lot of trouble to understand what people really mean especially in the dating area. I am hoping some of you could help me understand so I can decide what I should do. Sorry if my story is quite long.

So a while ago I (F) had a party at work (100+ people) and at the end of the evening I have kissed with one of my direct co workers (M) after spending the whole night together laughing and talking. I also invited him to stay over and sleep on my coach (legit) because he had to walk far when going with public transport. He declined and told me it was not a good idea to come with me and that he liked me enough to first drink coffee. The next day he invited me for coffee the following day. In the mean time there have been some text messages but not many. These text messages had kisses and shy smiley faces in them.

We met at his house to have drinks (non alcoholic). I stayed there for 4 hours and we also kissed. During kissing he called me beautiful and smiled a lot. When kissing we eventually laid down on the couch. I used a joke to get off of him and just talk further since I am not interested in sex so soon. We also talked about us not being interested in one night stands or emotionless sex. He even said he had a period he thought he might have not been interested in sex (asexual) at all. This was all during a good conversation. He even said he might wants to do other work in a few months and made some comments/jokes about couples which he ended by saying ''these are things you shouldn't say so soon''.

Somewhere in the middle of the meet up things just changed. This was after all of the above. We just talked but he barely looked at me. The conversation was very one-sided he was only talkng about himself and (for me) not in a good way. He basicly only said things that would turn somebody off (in my opinion) but said he just wanted me to have a honest and clear picture about him. He also made a comment about his ex being smoking hot (like a 9) and that he still doesnt understand what she wanted with someone like him (like a 6). He also told me that I am not his type (looks). I joked a few times that it looked like he wanted me to leave as soon as possible and he joked that most people already would have ran away by now.

During this awkward one-sided 'conversation' we also talked about when to leave. He looked at the time and said half an hour or something. Yet we stayed together for an hour and a half.

At the end we walked towards our cars (he was going somewhere else) and his car was one stair further down. He just stopped at the stairs on my floor and said ''I have to go one more down''. I actually figured he would walk me to his car. After that he hugged me and said see you on monday. We then awkwardly stared into each others eyes untill someone came in the garage. He then said ''I am not a public guy'' and left.

After the meet up I had a strange feeling and didnt know what to think. Later that day I asked him if he had done the thing he would do that night. We didnt really talk much after. Two days later I asked him to come drink something at my place and he replied that he would like that but he felt like I was having more feelings for him than he had for me since his feelings weren't mucht yet. He also said it could still happen but he just wanted to be honest. I replied that I didnt know where his response was coming from and that it was not the case. I also asked him if it was a polite way of rejecting me. He answered ''oh I am sorry I misunderstood shall we leave it at this for now?''. Since we are coworkers I asked what he meant and said his rejection was too subtle for me (if it was). He then replied he might have been more clear and that at this moment he only wants to drink something as friends but that he would understand if I wanted to keep things more professional. I said to him that that was not the case, that I had fun and really wanted to go for drinks as friends. After that he just made a stupid joke off topic which I didnt really reply to because I thought it was a bit weird. He also said he was punished for his clumsy choice of words and had a stomach ache. I wished him good luck with that. A few hours later I asked him if the stomach ache was going better and I made a stupid joke related to his. He replied the next day saying ''haha''.

At work nothing has changed, before everything we didn't really speak at work and we still don't. Side note: we work from home most days. The only day we go to the office he didn't show.

Can someone please help me explain what he meant and what I should do next? I am not in love or having many feelings I am just interested in seeing if we are compatible. Being friends is also on my list (most of my friends are male). I just don't want to be the idiot that texts him or invites him as a friend while he might just tried to be polite.

Sorry girl. What he meant was, 'I'm not into you and I don't want to date you'; he couldn't have been more clear... What you should do next is nothing at all. Leave him be.  You sound very young to me. Get your mates together - it being Xmas and all. Get all dressed up, go out,  have a drink, have fun, chat to people...you'll meet your man soon enough. When you do.. you won't have to ask strangers on message boards what his behaviour meant. Trust me on this.

[xbelieve]

Thank you all for the replies. I really appreciate it. 

You probably already noticed but I have some issues myself with self-esteem and such. 
In my mind someone not being interested or not being compatible with you is the same as me not being good enough, which is why I cared so much in the first place. 

Some of the responses hit me like a rock I'm not gonna lie. Very happy with the sweet ones making me feel a bit better afterwards. All very valuable and I needed to hear all of it.. just sad that again this person is not for me 😞

 

Happy Christmas to you! 

[Jaunty]

1 minute ago, xbelieve said:

 

Some of the responses hit me like a rock I'm not gonna lie. Very happy with the sweet ones making me feel a bit better afterwards. All very valuable and I needed to hear all of it.. just sad that again this person is not for me 😞

This will be hard to put into action, but:

If you are going to date, you NEED to get to a point where you are able to say "next" to yourself and just move on, without torturing yourself about "why."

If it's not happening it's not happening.

The person is almost always virtually a stranger, so all you have to go on is exactly what they are offering you in the brief moments you are together.

Resist the temptation to try to analyze things in the hopes that maybe you can spin them to help you feel like there is potential.  

Feeling rejected is pretty awful for anyone, but, believe it or not, you WILL develop a thicker skin.   

[Batya33]

So if a man chose not to date me because I wanted kids and he didn’t I should take it personally?  And yes some men preferred large breasts. I didn’t date men with long hair or tattoos - should they feel rejected ?  I didn’t date men where it was obvious we didn’t have compatible senses of humor, men who didn’t speak in an articulate intelligent way and effeminate mannerisms and tone turned me off and yet I had a number of women friends who married men with those characteristics.
I dated over a 24 year period and married at 42. 
i  didn’t date men who still had casual sex meaning like post college.  I routinely dated shorter men and I married a short man.  For some women that is a dealbreaker   I was always glad about that as it increased my dating pool. . Why should anyone feel rejected? 
Yes. Sometimes it’s personal. On both sides. Sometimes one person makes a mistake or reacts to a situation in ways that are dealbreakers.