I (22f) am in a relationship with (24m), I caught feelings for a friend (24f)

[Evolili]

Hello, that’s my first time writing here. I’m sorry if my english is not perfect, that’s not my first language.

I’m am in a relationship since 3 years and a half with a man. It’s my first relationship. Everything was good at the beginning, but this last year (even the 2 last years), our couple changed. We see each other maximum 1 time per week (we live litterally at 15 minutes of each other). If for example, we saw each other more than 2 times in one week, I call it a miracle. Why don’t we see more ? I don’t know. I’m a student, I have a social life, but I can have time for him and I always told him when I’m free. But still, he doesn’t find the time to see me. He doesn’t do anything at this moment, so he’s free.

At the beginning of the couple, we were seeing each other a lot, because I reserved each friday for us. I always went to his home. Because of that, I didn’t go out with my friends on fridays. One day one friend asked me why did I do that. And I didn’t know what to answer. So I started to not reserve all my fridays to us. I thought he would still ask me every friday to date me. But no. Since that, we rarely go to his house. We have maximum one intime moment per month, because he doesn’t ask me to go to his house. I don’t ask him for dates anymore. Because now I’m not the one planifying the dates, it’s been almost 2 years like date. Sometimes I forgot that I have someone who loves me.

At the beginning of the couple, I remember asking him for attention a lot of time and he changed a little, but I don’t think it’s enough for me. I need more love. I have so much talked about my needs. I know that I could love him more and could do more things for him, but because of his attitude in love, I lower my love language. I know that I can give more, but I can’t. Because when I did it in the beginning, I was suffering because he couldn’t give me the same amount of love.

Now my problem is that I started catching feelings for a friend. She’s everything I could love by someone. Her personnality, her love attitude, her face, like she’s the person I could fall for. I’m embaressed, because I’m thinking about her since 2 months. We’re very close friends and I know she loves women. I doubt that she loves me. The thing is that I think a lot about her, but not my boyfriend. She gave me a lot of attention and a presence that my boyfriend don’t.

The last thing my boyfriend did was to ruin my birthday a few days ago. He didn’t even come to me to say Happy Birthday. I cried all day. I was waiting for him all day and all night. He didn’t come. He said that he will catch up in a few days. My mom is very disappointed of him. I don’t even dare to tell my friends that episode, because I had big expectations from and told everyone that he would prepare me a surprise. I’m feeling very depressed since and don’t felt loved at all.

I don’t know what to do. I tried to rebuilt our relationship a lot of times. I’m tired of this. I’m starting liking someone else and I don’t know anymore if I love him. We have a trip planned in two weeks. Should I go with him and see if things could change ? Should I give him chances ? Is my relationship okay? I’m so lost.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Evolili said:

I don’t know what to do. I tried to rebuilt our relationship a lot of times. I’m tired of this. 

Sorry this is happening. Please set yourself free. Your BF doesn't seem to care about you at all. As far as your friend, do you want a romantic relationship or a friendship? 

[Evolili]

I don't know. He told me that he loves me and he seems he does, but why he doesn't show his love ? Right now, I would not risk our friendship and I think I have to be sure about my current relationship with my boyfriend. It's so hard to know what decision to choose.

[Batya33]

If you have to convince yourself to be with someone don’t. I think you’re into your female friend because you’re lonely in your relationship. Do you know your worth? What you deserve?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Evolili said:

 We have a trip planned in two weeks. Should I go with him and see if things could change ? 

You seem eager to go on the trip with him, but after 3 years, this is who he is. So enjoy your holidays but be realistic about your desire for a full time BF and whatever the situation is with your female friend. 

[Evolili]

To Batya33 : I sometimes tell myself that I need someone who corresponds me more. But I don't know if it's possible or am I just picky. Like I see there are evident problems in this relationship. I just can't convince myself that it will ends. It's would be so hard to lost someone that important. Like even if I don't want to be his girlfriend anymore, he's still important for me as a person. 

To Wiseman2 : I want to see one last time if the love can come back. It would be a trip of one week. I can imagine that it could be cool or horrible. A last occasion. 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Evolili said:

He told me that he loves me and he seems he does,

Yet essentially ignores your birthday, and doesn't make time for you? How does that seem like he loves you? 

3 hours ago, Evolili said:

I want to see one last time if the love can come back. It would be a trip of one week.

This isn't going to work. Love doesn't magically come back because you have a trip for a week. The love died here a long time ago. 

It's well past time for you to move on. 

[LotusBlack]

Actions speak louder than words. Love is a verb, not just a noun. Saying he loves you is easy, showing he loves you is a different matter and he is not showing he loves you. In fact, what he is showing you is that he doesn’t even like you. I wouldn’t even treat my friends the way he is treating you. I wish my friends happy birthday. I spend time with my friends (well, I did before I was a single mother in a rural town). 

The point is, your boyfriend actively avoids spending time with you, does not acknowledge your relationship needs, doesn’t invest in the relationship and puts no effort in. He just sits back and allows things to happen because he can’t be bothered moving away from it or engaging/actively contributing to it [the relationship]. 

Regardless of your thoughts about another person (your friend), I’d end things with your boyfriend because the relationship is not progressing/moving forward.

[smackie9]

Hey you don't have to convince us you should dump your BF. Not sure why you have to ask us for advice. If you want to date someone else that is your choice...You don't even need a good reason to leave anyone. If you want to explore other options, go for it. It's not a crime to go for what you want. 

[Evolili]

Thank you for all your messages and your support. It helps me to see other opinions from other people. I think Batya33 was right by asking me if I knew my worth. I actually struggled (and still) about my self estime. I didn't have any standards when we started our relationship (I was only 18 and didn't know anything about love). Bad things only began to appear clearer to me this last year, because I allowed too much. And it's hard to consider a breakup for me because I idealized a lot the relationship. Thank you for your messages. I will take the right decision. 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Evolili said:

Thank you for all your messages and your support. It helps me to see other opinions from other people. I think Batya33 was right by asking me if I knew my worth. I actually struggled (and still) about my self estime. I didn't have any standards when we started our relationship (I was only 18 and didn't know anything about love). Bad things only began to appear clearer to me this last year, because I allowed too much. And it's hard to consider a breakup for me because I idealized a lot the relationship. Thank you for your messages. I will take the right decision. 

You don’t have to know about “love” and you do have to be confident in your values standards and goals. And stick to them. Idealizing to the extent you are means it’s not a good match. 

[Andrina]

11 hours ago, Evolili said:

Like even if I don't want to be his girlfriend anymore, he's still important for me as a person. 

Sorry, but it won't be in your best interest to keep him as a friend. It won't be fair to a new partner that you stay in contact with an ex. He's been your only serious bf, so you don't know any better, or are now finally having a sort of epiphany. 

Please let yourself be single for a good year. You need to learn who you are as a solo person to be ready to enter into a relationship again. If you don't give yourself that time and build your self-worth, you will repeat the same toxic pattern of accepting men who treat you so poorly.

I wouldn't even waste money on a vacation with him. A new year's around the corner, so it's a great time to start fresh without Mr. Wrong.

[shouldhavelearned]

He loves you and didn't see you for your birthday

 

Time to find a new man

[catfeeder]

Sounds like you’re wasting your youth on someone who doesn’t value you.

Words are cheap. I’d find someone better.

[1a1a]

Your needs are so badly unmet in this relationship you’re starting to crush on people outside of it. Speaking from experience if nothing changes this crush will be the first in a long line of them. 

[Evolili]

Hello guys, I wanted to do an conclusion to this topic since you helped me with your messages. I left my boyfriend. He is now my ex since almost 1 week. I just couldn’t imagine being with him during an entire week in vacations. I realised that I suffered a lot because of his behaviour during our relationship and especially the day of my birthday. I decided to go alone on this trip and I celebrated the new year’s eve alone in another country : it was amazing. I feel so free now. It’s my first time alone in vacations and it’s very therapeutic. I walked for hours in a city that I didn’t know and it felt so good. I kept repeting myself that it was the best decision ever. I’m now good. I wish you all a happy new year ! Thank you.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Evolili said:

 I celebrated the new year’s eve alone in another country : it was amazing. I feel so free now. I walked for hours in a city that I didn’t know and it felt so good. I kept repeting myself that it was the best decision ever. 

Super! You made the right decision setting yourself free and having an adventurous New Year's.