Regret not having children

[falloutguy]

I was in a long term relationship many years ago, I regret not having children.   It cuts me up inside, not sure how to come to terms with that.   I should of settled down with her. 

[Seraphim]

What is stopping you now from having children? 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, falloutguy said:

I was in a long term relationship many years ago,.   I should of settled down with her. 

Sorry this is happening. How long ago was that relationship?  Why did it end? 

How old are you? Are you seeing anyone? 

How are things otherwise as far as your health, job, friends, family, interests, hobbies and other activities?

Sometimes the holidays make people feel lonelier than usual. Could that be why you're having regrets? 

[Tinydance]

Well what is your age? Are you of an age where it's not possible to have children? What happened in your relationship, why did it end? Sometimes things happen for a reason and if you didn't settle down together then obviously one or both of you thought you weren't the right person. If you're a lot older then can you maybe date someone who has children already and be a stepfather? Or you can adopt and give an orphan a home?

[boltnrun]

Al Pacino just fathered a child and I believe he's in his 70s or 80s. Men don't have the same age limitations as women although it may not be ideal to wait until you're 70.

Why do you believe you no longer have the opportunity to father children?

[falloutguy]

I suppose,  I regret not setting down with her, she is married with kids.  Kinda should of been me.  Just not really connected with anyone else.  Lost love and regret.   

In my 50's now, so kids should be grown up.    Turn back time and all that !  

 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, falloutguy said:

 I regret not setting down with her, she is married with kids.  Just not really connected with anyone else.  Lost love and regret.  In my 50's now

It seems more like you're lonely and nostalgic this time of year. What made you look her up? 

Please get involved in some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses and broaden your social horizons. This way you can have fun meeting like-minded people and talking to women you see regularly. 

Also please get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women. Your issue is nostalgia and loneliness but you can move forward to find a relationship again. Please don't stay stuck in the past. You can't change the past. 

[falloutguy]

Yeah.  Still the stupidest mistake I ever made was ending that relationship.  The regret and pain will alwasy be with me.  

 

Must be feeling sorry for myself. 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, falloutguy said:

Still the stupidest mistake I ever made was ending that relationship.  The regret and pain will alwasy be with me.  

How long ago was this? If you feel low or depressed or feel like you're ruminating and regretting, please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. This has nothing to do with wanting kids and everything to do with being stuck in the past. 

[falloutguy]

I think I suffer from Attachment Truama.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, falloutguy said:

I think I suffer from Attachment Truama.

Why not find out for sure what's going on so you could feel better? This sounds like something googled but it's not going to help you feel better to self diagnose and misdiagnose things. For example you think you want kids but that's not really the root issue nor a solution. . At 50 you should be getting regular checkups anyway. 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, falloutguy said:

I think I suffer from Attachment Truama.

How long ago did you two break up?

Is she still married? Has she contacted you anytime in the past few years?

[Kwothe28]

Regret not having kids with her or not having kids in general? Because you know there is a difference and that if you want you can still have kids?

[falloutguy]

I regret the road not taken!  It was many years ago.  At the time I was cocky over my ability to attract someone else to form a connection with.   But I realised, that getting a deep connection does not allways happen, so whilst I had women interested, none floated my boat so to speak.  When I tried to get her back she had already moved on.   (Like the song - need a little time). 

Because we stayed on friendly terms, she was my emotional crutch, I could get her back at any time, or so I thought at the time.  (Daft and Stupid).   If I had known better or with hindsight, I would not of ended things and we would be married with kids.

All my fault, I would of hurt her by my actions, so the blame is mine.   However that still makes it hard pill to swallow, and something I really really struggle with. 

Now sure how to find peace over this and stop thinking about it.   Any help or suggestions would be most welcome.   Thank you. 

 

 

 

[Tinydance]

13 minutes ago, falloutguy said:

I regret the road not taken!  It was many years ago.  At the time I was cocky over my ability to attract someone else to form a connection with.   But I realised, that getting a deep connection does not allways happen, so whilst I had women interested, none floated my boat so to speak.  When I tried to get her back she had already moved on.   (Like the song - need a little time). 

Because we stayed on friendly terms, she was my emotional crutch, I could get her back at any time, or so I thought at the time.  (Daft and Stupid).   If I had known better or with hindsight, I would not of ended things and we would be married with kids.

All my fault, I would of hurt her by my actions, so the blame is mine.   However that still makes it hard pill to swallow, and something I really really struggle with. 

Now sure how to find peace over this and stop thinking about it.   Any help or suggestions would be most welcome.   Thank you. 

 

 

 

How long ago was this? Well, I'm not sure what really say except to say again that things happen for a reason. If you actually really loved that woman then I don't think you'd have ended it. I think there was something you felt deep down that was telling you she wasn't "the one". Maybe you thought she ticked all the boxes but at the end of the day you just didn't want a future with her. Now you look back on it and think you should have settled for her. But you didn't settle and that's the decision you made at the time.

This is probably not a big consolation but if you weren't sure about her, you did the right thing. She was able to find someone who wanted a future with her. It sucks for you but you set her free.

You know it's never truly too late to do anything. I have this female acquaintance who is 42, her partner is 53. They have a two-year-old daughter who is their only child. I also met a 48-year-old woman who has a 1.5 year old girl. She tried all this IVF and it failed. She gave up but she got pregnant naturally by accident! Miracles happen.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, falloutguy said:

Now sure how to find peace over this and stop thinking about it.   Any help or suggestions would be most welcome.   Thank you. 

Well, as the saying goes, "No point in crying over spilled milk". As the damage has already been done and there is nothing to do about it but move on.

For example, why not looking at it from different angle? Yes, you may regret that you havent met anyone else that is better for you. But that doesnt mean you wont in future. And that you should focus on that.

[Lambert]

Sounds to me like you need to get working on building a life you do want.  

1. therapy to discuss how you feel and work through it

2. finding interests that you enjoy to meet more people. 

I don't have kids and I don't think I will.  It can be a source of anxiety for me but the other side of that coin is- there are many ways to be happy and successful in life. 

I don't focus on what I don't have.  I focus on what I do have. And that's the difference. 

[mylolita]

17 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Al Pacino just fathered a child and I believe he's in his 70s or 80s. Men don't have the same age limitations as women although it may not be ideal to wait until you're 70.

Why do you believe you no longer have the opportunity to father children?

This is technically true - we have a friend who is 83 and has a 25 year old boy and an 18 year old girl - but ideally it’s nice to see your children grow up and be able to be lively and healthy while they are young, especially.

 

It’s not technically too late biologically for you OP - but you do want the right lady and not to rush into a relationship just for the sake of having children.

 

x

[mylolita]

Sometimes as well OP, this may not be much comfort but I find it is the realistic truth - we humans make mistakes and sometimes these mistakes are “of the heart” and we do let the “right one” go.

 

Finding a true love connection is pretty rare and special - my advice would always be, when you find that, you must go with it and hold on as tight as you can! 
 

As others have said, on the positive side, and moving forward - it’s not over for you yet and the curtains haven’t closed! You could meet that special someone tomorrow! You just never know! 
 

If you do really want children, I would try and date younger, as of course women in their mid 40s and 50s either cannot have children biologically (very rarely) or will most likely already have their own. 
 

There is nearly a 10 year age gap between me and my husband, we have 3 children - it’s worked out really well for being able to “have the best of both worlds” meaning, more financial security, but still me being able to have a family while I’m quite young and to stay home and enjoy them. 
 

We can’t plan life to perfection, we all make mistakes and we can’t go back - there is no point in torturing yourself by looking back OP - you potentially have some amazing years ahead, and there are women out there who want children too! 
 

x

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

This is technically true - we have a friend who is 83 and has a 25 year old boy and an 18 year old girl - but ideally it’s nice to see your children grow up and be able to be lively and healthy while they are young, especially.

 

It’s not technically too late biologically for you OP - but you do want the right lady and not to rush into a relationship just for the sake of having children.

 

x

I agree. Pacino has money but he's likely to not have any meaningful interactions with this new child after it's a teenager. 

I'm happy I was a younger mother especially since my health is uncertain. Interestingly, my brother is a few years older but his oldest child is many years younger than mine. My brother was a "later" father. 

OP, your opportunity isn't over. It's just in the past with that particular woman but she wasn't the one for you. 

[1a1a]

When my brain gets stuck on a regret like that, lately I’ve been looking up Eckhart Tolle videos with the search prompt ‘stuck on a thought’ or ‘trapped in negative thinking’ or similar to that. Your mileage may vary but I find him good for calling me back into the present and into my body. 
 

Written on the whiteboard where I see the midwife (not her writing it’s a shared office, someone else’s)

Painful feeling + resistance = suffering 

Painful feeling + willing = growth

[Batya33]

On 12/18/2023 at 7:54 PM, falloutguy said:

I suppose,  I regret not setting down with her, she is married with kids.  Kinda should of been me.  Just not really connected with anyone else.  Lost love and regret.   

In my 50's now, so kids should be grown up.    Turn back time and all that !  

 

We're 57 with a 14 year old. I have a family friend who remarried in his 50s (widowed) and had twins with his second wife so he's in his 60s and his youngest kids are tweens, oldest kids are grown.  You also can foster a  child, volunteer with children etc and later in life for sure you can have a child with a woman you are married to.

[mylolita]

I agree with others that of course you can father children much later in life - but there has to be some drive to seriously partner up and make a real search effort or time does get away. I realise half of finding the right person is also luck, which is very frustrating! 
 

Having children later in life is fine, but like our friend, you also have to be realistic with the view that your children will be more likely to not have you around as long as regular parents (my friend who is in his mid 80s has a teenage daughter and he may be gone once she gets into her 20s). I understand you can be very fit and healthy and life to 95 and someone can unfortunately have an early death at 30, but on average, this is another realistic fact to consider.

 

x

[ShySoul]

We all make mistakes, the key is to learn from them and grow. You can't change the past, but you can use it to motivate you in the here and now. I think you would benefit from having something worthwhile to devote your time to. Do you have a hobby you love? A cause you could volunteer your time for? Spend less time dwelling on the past and more on doing good work now that helps you feel rewarded and contributing to somethng meaningful.

Also, just because you haven't married and had children, doesn't mean you can't be involved with children. As has been said, you can still have children older in life. If you are in a stable position, adoption is a possibility. Or you can find an organization that helps out children. Children's hosiptals, Boys and Girls Club, Big Brothers... I'm sure there is something nearby that could use your help.