Long distance relationship issue

[Blueraider812]

I am dating a girl that I’ve known since I was 15 years old (we are both 31) 

Since we have known each other she has always wanted a relationship with me but it wasn’t until this year that we entered a relationship. Although it took me awhile, I am happy to be in a relationship with her. We both knew that if we ever did date it would be with the intentions of marriage. Now that we are here our recent marriage conversations have been extremely difficult because of our locations. 
 

We both live in 2 different states and see each other once a month. It’s a 45 min flight to see each other . Her career is taking off where she is, and I recently left my full time job and started a very new business where I live. To make things even more complicated she convinced her sister, brother in law, and 2 year old nephew to move to her state to be close to her. They made the move 9 months ago and she visits them every day. 
 

Aside from my business I also purchased a home this year and own a rental property that I manage as an air bnb. 

Because of all of these realities she is suggesting that we get married (since we love each other and aren’t getting any younger and want to have kids) and do a hybrid living situation. She’s suggesting we spend 50% of our time in each location for at least 2 years to give her time to enjoy her sister and nephew. 
 

I'm under so much pressure right now trying to make ends meet and grow my business I just can’t imagine juggling business, a new marriage, and the challenges of going back and forth between 2 locations and all the expenses that come with that. 
 

I’m not optimistic about a hybrid situation working so I suggested pausing the marriage talks until we can agree on where we will live. & for me I’m not sure if it’s selfish or not but I feel like it makes more sense for us to live in my city. She was extremely hurt when I voiced my thoughts. 
 

Is there a real solution here that makes sense? 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Blueraider812 said:

She’s suggesting we spend 50% of our time in each location for at least 2 years to give her time to enjoy her sister and nephew. 

This just isn't practical for most people, and I can see why it would not work for you. Sure, it suits her - but you are part of this couple too. You were right to decline that if you knew it would be too much. 

3 hours ago, Blueraider812 said:

she has always wanted a relationship with me but it wasn’t until this year that we entered a relationship. Although it took me awhile, I am happy to be in a relationship with her.

But I am wondering if her current hurt stems from the above, rather than you raising objections to the logistics of the living situation. She appears to be searching for some reassurance that you do in fact want a future with her, after what seems like a slow start.

What do you mean that it took you a while - were you unsure of your feelings for her? How long have you been dating now? 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Blueraider812 said:

I’m not optimistic about a hybrid situation working so I suggested pausing the marriage talks until we can agree on where we will live. & for me I’m not sure if it’s selfish or not but I feel like it makes more sense for us to live in my city. She was extremely hurt when I voiced my thoughts. 
 

Is there a real solution here that makes sense? 

I was long distance in a similar situation -we'd dated in the distant past and known each other for years- there is only one reason it worked geographically - because when we started dating again we expressed our intentions that it would be to see if this time we'd get married AND I agreed to relocate for his career which would require it with a few locations that would be a "no" (which he also agreed to).  Otherwise he wouldn't have dated me and vice versa. I relocated 800 miles for his career after having a commuter marriage for a couple of months for logistical purposes (we were new parents/I gave birth in our city/I had a career in our city and wanted to work in that office until maternity leave).  

I do know of commuter marriages - happens in my husband's career - but they're already married, and they do it because either one spouse has her or his own career and/or they have young kids and there typically is a fairly smooth way to commute even by plane.  It's hard but doable.

What helps in our situation -we had the financial and logistical means to visit each other about every 11 days -we were long distance for about half of our 3 year dating prior to marriage - my company had an office in the city in which he lived for part of that time so that helped and his and my family are all in our hometown so his visits to me coincided with family stuff,etc.  

Also she clearly seems to be choosing her family over you - I left my parents -aging parents -as did he -to relocate to be married and live in our new city (since 2009) - I had some family members question that but we knew we wanted to be together, start our own family and we were able to live in our hometown 2 months every summer the first 5 years.

I'd end things now and if in the future you and she can figure out some sort of compromise -including let's say if your business either doesn't pan out and/or you grow it so you hire others to run it and you can move -I'd move on for now.  I'm sorry.

 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Blueraider812 said:

I m not optimistic about a hybrid situation working so I suggested pausing the marriage talks until we can agree on where we will live. 

 Sorry this is happening. Agree it makes no sense to be married and living completely different lives in different cities.

Please don't get married until she is ready able and willing to live together as a couple and potential family. Keep in mind, if she insists on living where she is, you can always decide to end the relationship. 

[Blueraider812]

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

What do you mean that it took you a while - were you unsure of your feelings for her? How long have you been dating now? 

I think it was a combination of things. We met when we were 15, I had a lot of life to live and maturing to do. I was very career focused for a season of my life. I moved away from our home town 5 years ago and dated other people through out the years. After every relationship I would think about her and how I think we would be good for each other. Because I’ve known her for so long I knew that if I entered a relationship with her I would only need to do it if I was ready for marriage. 

[MissCanuck]

39 minutes ago, Blueraider812 said:

Because I’ve known her for so long I knew that if I entered a relationship with her I would only need to do it if I was ready for marriage. 

But do you feel you want to marry her? I don't mean right now, but is she the woman you want to spend your life with? 

[boltnrun]

Why does the marriage have to happen now? Is she afraid if you don't marry her soon you might change your mind about marrying her?

[Andrina]

How many visits have you had with each other? I was just wondering how well you know her as an adult. You don't want to assume what you knew of her when you were teens hasn't changed since then. There are plenty of kids I grew up with and enjoyed back then who I don't want anything to do with now that we're adults.

19 hours ago, Blueraider812 said:

To make things even more complicated she convinced her sister, brother in law, and 2 year old nephew to move to her state to be close to her. They made the move 9 months ago and she visits them every day. 

What you see is what you get. Don't expect this to change, even if you move her way. I wouldn't like this over-involvement with family from my partner.

Where to live is one of those major things a couple has to agree upon, just like whether or not to have kids, which religion if any they will be raised, etc., sexual compatibility, and shared life goals and ethics.

I never suggest marrying until you've had some time dating locally, and that doesn't even mean living together. It's smarter after an LDR starts that way to rent separately while in the same town. Because going from barely seeing each other to being together 24/7 can prove disastrous. 

You can't really see the total reality of a person until being around them locally at least a good 6 months. If you two can't agree on closing the distance because one of you will be resenting that, it's not going to work out. What's her dating history been like? What's the longest relationship you've had?

[smackie9]

Here's why this will never get off the ground. None of your decisions would benefit your relationship or bring you to together as a couple planning a life together. Instead of opening up/finding an opportunity where she lives you opened a business and bought property where you live. That isn't planning for a marriage/raising a family. I get a sense you aren't really in it to win it. You having doubts about this union? Wanting a way out...dragging your feet? You said it took you awhile to warm up to the idea of a serious relationship...you having a real tough time with the thought of marriage and kids?

[Blueraider812]

On 12/11/2023 at 4:41 PM, Andrina said:

How many visits have you had with each other? I was just wondering how well you know her as an adult. You don't want to assume what you knew of her when you were teens hasn't changed since then. There are plenty of kids I grew up with and enjoyed back then who I don't want anything to do with now that we're adults.

What you see is what you get. Don't expect this to change, even if you move her way. I wouldn't like this over-involvement with family from my partner.

Where to live is one of those major things a couple has to agree upon, just like whether or not to have kids, which religion if any they will be raised, etc., sexual compatibility, and shared life goals and ethics.

I never suggest marrying until you've had some time dating locally, and that doesn't even mean living together. It's smarter after an LDR starts that way to rent separately while in the same town. Because going from barely seeing each other to being together 24/7 can prove disastrous. 

You can't really see the total reality of a person until being around them locally at least a good 6 months. If you two can't agree on closing the distance because one of you will be resenting that, it's not going to work out. What's her dating history been like? What's the longest relationship you've had?

We see each other once a month at the minimum, most of the time twice a month though. 

while she has talked to other guys and dated, I am her first official boyfriend. 
 

My longest relationship was a year long (that person was someone who was great on paper be we were not compatible and forced it for too long). I always struggled with commitment issues and always preferred to be single. I’ve had many women  try to break my walls down and make me settle down but she’s the only one my heart genuinely felt safe and secure enough to do it for. 

[MissCanuck]

On 12/11/2023 at 6:42 PM, MissCanuck said:

But do you feel you want to marry her?

@Blueraider812, what about this? 

[Andrina]

15 hours ago, Blueraider812 said:

while she has talked to other guys and dated, I am her first official boyfriend. 
 

My longest relationship was a year long

Wow. Both 31 and with so little relationship histories. Getting married right now would be the last thing you should do, even if you care for one another. Being rushed for any reason isn't optimum for making wise decisions. 

In your case, I wouldn't even begin to think about marriage until you're living locally and see if it can last at least a good 3 years. Because you two need to know that you're both capable of long term, since neither of you have a track record in that area.

I've known a person whose biological clock was ticking and rushed into getting pregnant by someone she barely knew. That ended in a disastrous relationship, and the poor child suffered with all the drama. The mother got what she wanted--a child, but I felt sorry for what the child had to suffer through, with her father, for the most part, abandoning her.

What does this woman do for a living that she thinks she can live in your area half the time and then move back to her own digs? Is she babyish, like relies on other people a lot, lacks confidence, is self-isolating besides family time? Why do you think she never had a serious boyfriend?

You're going to have to permanently close the distance soon to find out if this relationship really has legs when it's no longer an LDR. If you two can't agree on that with neither feeling resentful, this isn't going to work.

[Wiseman2]

On 12/11/2023 at 12:01 PM, Blueraider812 said:

. I was very career focused for a season of my life. I moved away from our home town 5 years ago.

Unless you two can agree on a place to live, there's no point continuing with marriage talk. Why can't she move, why can't you?

Have you considered both of you moving back to a more neutral familiar place like your hometown?  If one of you has to rearrange your entire life to be together you could resent it.

The hybrid plan seems unrealistic, expensive and just an extension of a distance relationship but with more complications. 

[catfeeder]

I don’t understand the timeline. How long ago did you begin this relationship as it stands now, with monthly visits? At what point did you decide to start negotiating potential marriage?

[primtetime95]

I'm in a LDR and I totally understand what you're going through. Logistically and financially, a hybrid living system would be difficult for any couple, let alone someone in your situation of just starting a new company. If she really is ready to marry you, than she must understand that marriage is a commitment to your partner. Sometimes that means having to move/leave family. The only compromise I could think of is that if she moves to be with you, it sounds like you live close enough to wear she could go visit fairly often? I would think that her visiting her family would still be cheaper than a hybrid situation. Regardless, I do hope you all figure it out. Best of luck.