First time infidelity

[Idolizing Diamond]

Hi everyone. I'm a 25 year old guy from the UK. My girlfriend has recently been unfaithful towards me for the first time and I am struggling to get over and accept what actually happened. I have forgave my girlfriend and I still love her despite this. I just can't seem to move past it all and I keep on thinking about the other dude who she cheated with. It's like he is living rent free in my head. Any advice, or just having someone to speak with would be greatly appreciated. Thanks all.

[Coily]

Hi there.

What was the nature of the cheating (emotional of physical)?

It's one heck of thing you have to navigate right now. The biggest thing is that the trust you two had is gone, and it's up to her to redeem herself. Which unfortunately means you are stuck having to make the decision if you can trust her again.

I don't know if I could continue the relationship in light of any form of cheating. BUT there is something to be said for allowing a redemption. It's up to her to want to change and not feel like get got away with it. The natural inclination is to want  to know everything she's doing. But that will just poison yourself with worry.

The question is to you want to live with that shadow over your relationship?

[Idolizing Diamond]

4 minutes ago, Coily said:

Hi there.

What was the nature of the cheating (emotional of physical)?

It's one heck of thing you have to navigate right now. The biggest thing is that the trust you two had is gone, and it's up to her to redeem herself. Which unfortunately means you are stuck having to make the decision if you can trust her again.

I don't know if I could continue the relationship in light of any form of cheating. BUT there is something to be said for allowing a redemption. It's up to her to want to change and not feel like get got away with it. The natural inclination is to want  to know everything she's doing. But that will just poison yourself with worry.

The question is to you want to live with that shadow over your relationship?

Hi!

The cheating was strictly physical. 

Thank you for your advice! It's really appreciated. 

Eh, I want, I truly do. I'm just starting to worry if its ever something I can get past. 

[Coily]

It's okay if you can't get over something this major.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Idolizing Diamond said:

I keep on thinking about the other dude who she cheated with. It's like he is living rent free in my head.

Why? It aint his fault your girlfriend cheated. Its easier to transfer it that way because then you absolve the other party of the fault. But your girlfriend still had a choice to cheat and not to cheat. And she chose to cheat. Just because she invented excuse how "it was purely physical" or any other other popular ones like "alcohol lowered my inhibitors" and such, doesnt mean she didnt had a choice. And you need to face that properly. Other guy isnt of your concern. Your girlfriend choices are.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Idolizing Diamond said:

I'm just starting to worry if its ever something I can get past. 

There's a reason cheating destroys a lot of relationships. 

You don't have to force yourself to get past it. Let it be a deal-breaker if that's what it is. 

[Coily]

One further point, if she got away with cheating by an apology; will this let her think that she can do it again? For some cheaters it's the thrill of being sneaky as much as it is the sexual component.

[Seraphim]

100% her fault . Place the blame where it belongs. If it’s not something you can get past it is best to just walk away. If you think you can get past it, it might take her a lot of therapy to figure out why she was a cheat in the first place.  Be kind to yourself. 

[Capricorn3]

That's the big problem with cheating - it breaks trust.   And once trust is broken, it almost never comes back again and without trust, you have nothing (imo).  Maybe time to re-think your relationship.

[Idolizing Diamond]

On 12/11/2023 at 3:38 PM, Coily said:

One further point, if she got away with cheating by an apology; will this let her think that she can do it again? For some cheaters it's the thrill of being sneaky as much as it is the sexual component.

I understand what you mean but I truly don’t think so. She deeply regrets what happened and labels herself a *** over what happened. 

[Idolizing Diamond]

20 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

That's the big problem with cheating - it breaks trust.   And once trust is broken, it almost never comes back again and without trust, you have nothing (imo).  Maybe time to re-think your relationship.

It does feel a bit like a tainted relationship now. 

[lostandhurt]

Been cheated on and tried to get past it.  Big problem is the trust was gone and she was not worthy of my willingness to try and work past the betrayal.

 She betrayed you, your relationship, everything you have built so far and might have built in the future because she was selfish and banged some other dude.  Be sure of one thing, this didn't just happen, she had plenty of chances to step back and stop the flirting, stop the fantasizing and stop this guy from pursuing her but she didn't.

Don't fool yourself into thinking she is in any way innocent in this as she is 100 % at fault.  What has she done to figure herself out?  She cheated so why?  If she loves you so much then why?  She needs to figure herself out BEFORE you even get anywhere close to getting past this or it will happen again and again.  Heck this may not be the first time.

 Did she come clean or did you figure it out?

 Lost

[Capricorn3]

3 hours ago, Idolizing Diamond said:

It does feel a bit like a tainted relationship now. 

That's because it IS tainted now.

[Idolizing Diamond]

On 12/12/2023 at 6:05 PM, lostandhurt said:

Been cheated on and tried to get past it.  Big problem is the trust was gone and she was not worthy of my willingness to try and work past the betrayal.

 She betrayed you, your relationship, everything you have built so far and might have built in the future because she was selfish and banged some other dude.  Be sure of one thing, this didn't just happen, she had plenty of chances to step back and stop the flirting, stop the fantasizing and stop this guy from pursuing her but she didn't.

Don't fool yourself into thinking she is in any way innocent in this as she is 100 % at fault.  What has she done to figure herself out?  She cheated so why?  If she loves you so much then why?  She needs to figure herself out BEFORE you even get anywhere close to getting past this or it will happen again and again.  Heck this may not be the first time.

 Did she come clean or did you figure it out?

 Lost

She confessed her infidelity to me straight after it went down. 

[smackie9]

The best way to deal with this is to keep the conversation going, but also maybe look at other aspects of your relationship that needs work. Times like these can bring a couple closer because they realize how much they mean to each other, and to acknowledge that there should be some changes made.....work through this together. Enhance the partnership, spend more quality time together, do more things for each other...keep that focus.

[lostandhurt]

18 hours ago, Idolizing Diamond said:

She confessed her infidelity to me straight after it went down. 

So now the questions need to be answered.  Not the gory details of her cheating and not even who this dude is (unless it is a coworker she sees daily) but the questions of why she chose this extremely selfish thing to do.

  She didn't just let it happen, she made a choice to do it.  What lead her down that path?

Why did she feel the need to have sex with someone else? 

 If there is to be a way forward from this betrayal it starts with some very hard introspective thinking with brutal honesty on both sides, especially hers.  She needs to be frank and straight forward with her thoughts and answers.  Questions left unanswered will haunt you both until the relationship dies from them.

 The trust is gone and has to be rebuilt over time but if this is going to be saved you either take the leap of faith or you end it right now.  Keeping tabs on her, punishing her, shooing away guys and all that is not your job, either you let her show you through her actions or it ends right here.  Remember trust is built over time but can be ruined forever in a moment.  Don't let your love for her blind you to who she really is.

  I know she feels bad about what she did but I also know you feel way worse.  Do you have anyone you can talk to other than her about all the swirling thoughts and feelings you have in your head all the time?

 Lost