I love my boyfriend, but...

[Guest]

My boyfriend is perfect. He worships and cherishes me. We often talk about how we're soul mates and perfect for each other. We plan our future together. Yet... I can't shake off the feeling of wanting to sleep with other people. I feel terrible about it. For context, he is only my second sexual partner. I always thought I would sleep around before settling down, it was kind of my plan. In the beginning, I didn't take him too seriously... I thought I'd go to college and we'd break up... I never expected to fall in love. We have great sex, he's perfect... but I still sometimes fantasize about sleeping with other people. I've found ways to explain it and excuse it away but it keeps coming back and I feel guilty. I truly want to marry him, but sometimes I don't know if I can go my whole life without sleeping with someone else. I don't know if opening the relationship is an option.... he's a staunch monogamist and I wouldn't want that either. I know it sounds bad but, I also wouldn't want him sleeping around. I know it's hypocritical. But I kind of prioritize myself in a way and enjoy female worship....also, he has a much higher body count and more colorful sexual past than me that I've been kind of resentful of for our entire relationship. He doesn't need to sleep around any more than he already did. Sometimes I think sleeping around myself would help me get over his past. Overall, I just get the desire to sleep around. What do I do?

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, mariposa0323 said:

 I can't shake off the feeling of wanting to sleep with other people.. I thought I'd go to college and we'd break up.I don't know if opening the relationship is an option. I think sleeping around myself would help me get over his past. 

How long have you been dating? How old is he?  Are you away at college? 

You don't seem ready for a relationship. Why not set yourself free to live your life and explore what you want. 

 If you want to date others that's fine but don't do it to get even with him for having more sexual experience and please don't use him as a security blanket when you would rather be with others.

Have the confidence and self-respect to be independent and do whatever you would like to do without having a BF you don't respect but don't have the courage to leave. 

[Guest]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How old is he?  Are you away at college? 

You don't seem ready for a relationship. Why not set yourself free to live your life and explore what you want. 

 If you want to date others that's fine but don't do it to get even with him for having more sexual experience and please don't use him as a security blanket when you would rather be with others.

Have the confidence and self-respect to be independent and do whatever you would like to do without having a BF you don't respect but don't have the courage to leave. 

We're close to a year. Not away yet...

I don't even want to date others. I love him. That's what's hard. I'm not sure if this is just a random fantasy or not. It's a weird in between

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, mariposa0323 said:

We're close to a year. Not away yet...

Why tie yourself down when you're not ready?  Go away to university and enjoy your life and set him free so you can be free. Unless you think it's ok to keep him in your hometown like a security blanket and sleep around while away at university? This is what it seems like you want. 

[MissCanuck]

How old are you both? 

[Batya33]

It's fine to fantasize about others and have little crushes especially on people you'll never really meet like a celebrity (I had a Radio Crush on a radio personality for awhile!) but if you truly desire to explore other options whether sexually, to date, some mix of the two it means he is not The One for you at this time or ever.  Some people like to have a variety of sexual partners like you and some don't.  If your plans/dreams were to sample different men then this man is not right for you.  And why would you want a man to worship you? Do you like being put on a pedestal? If so, why? He might be "perfect" but he apparently is not perfect for you.  My husband of 15 years is NOT perfect.  I don't think he worships me.  I don't worship him.  But he's perfect for me. 

You say you two are soulmates.  People who want to be together don't badly want to have sex with multiple people except for people who agree they would like to be together and also explore other sexual arrangements, or date others etc and both people want that - both people come to that decision and not because one person is chomping at the bit to sample other people.  Your future you say is sampling other men.  It's part of it -so how can you plan a future with a perfect man who wants monogamy?

[Seraphim]

Why is sleeping around a goal? I never understood the appeal. 

[BunnyGirlR]

It's a hell of a lot of fun. Not fair to do it behind a partner's back though. There's nothing wrong with it provided nobody is being deceived.  

[ShySoul]

Just because you are in a relationship, even a perfectly fine and healthy marriage, doesn't mean you won't be attracted to someone else. It doesn't mean you won't have thoughts of what it would be like to sleep with someone else. There's nothing wrong with a fantasy. It's when it starts to create tension in the relationship that it becomes a problem. It's especially a problem if you cross the line into actually making it happen, thus lying to and betraying your partner's trust.

In my mind the question is what do you value more. Is it the love with a person you are with? Or is it sex with some, possibly random or imaginary, person? If you answer the love, then it's just a fantasy and you're fine. If you answer sex, then you probably aren't ready to be in a committed relationship. If you care for your patner, be honest as staying together may just lead to feelings of resentment and cause problems in the future. If you are truly soulmates, you will find your way back to each other when the time is right. 

Personally, I can't see why sleeping around would be fun or a goal. Having my soulmate, the love of my life and one who truly gets me, by my side sounds like a lot more fun. Sex to me is about sharing my heart and soul with someone, letting them inside in every way. That's not something I could share unless it's really the right person.

[smackie9]

Having fantasies are perfectly normal. I find it very unrealistic to be faithful in your own thoughts/daydreams. If you want to act on them, then it's unfair to you and your BF. get to college and see where you are at. Then you can make your decision then. 

[TheCrow]

I've always found the  'we met at 16, been together 30 years, I've never wanted anyone else' set ups bewildering. Wanting to experiment sexually when young is not just natural, it's biology-driven.  OP is nowhere near ready to settle down with one man for the rest of her life. There is nothing wrong with either her or him. She just needs to live her life, explore, experience, sample, learn and grow,  And then find her forever man.

[catfeeder]

You don’t say your age. If you’re 25 or under, you’re actually still in adolescence (look that up, it doesn’t end at age 18) and your brain’s pre-frontal cortex is still developing. So it makes no sense to make lifelong commitments when you won’t even be the same person at age 29 that you are today.

This is why people who stunt themselves by committing to high school sweethearts or college loves typically break up between ages 21 to 30. They’ve never allowed themselves the same experimental period as those who’ve remained single or have had a few shorter relationships.

None of us are living your love life for you, we don’t get a vote. But if I could have advised my younger self, it would have been to enjoy some solo time sprinkled with some short term monogamy, and find yourself before committing your changing self to anyone.

The desire you write about is only one reason for this. The bigger reason is to avoid shaping yourself into a mold created around another person only to recognize that your autonomous adult self will not be happy with those limitations.

Head high, and don’t waste your youth on guilt. Liberate yourself, and you will thank yourself sooner rather than later.

[Coily]

The fantasies are no big deal in the grand scheme of things.

BUT, I have to ask is this desire to sleep around coming from your inner being, or is it being told it's so much fun?

This is a decision that you and only you can make. I have known plenty of people who would make good arguments either way. The couple who met at 15, still married with kids, and very successful. The couple who found each other atfer 45 who were happy and content. Conversely I know a couple who got married Freshman year of College, she started cheating on him to feel wild and free; and she also physically assaulted him before they divorced. Or the Older lady neighbor, who chased any man who would look at her twice and abandoned her kids.

We all know people of either side of the argument. The bigger problem is hearing outside forces tell you what to do, who don't have to live with the consequences of your actions.

This is a dead thread but still.

[ShySoul]

9 hours ago, TheCrow said:

Wanting to experiment sexually when young is not just natural, it's biology-driven. 

Maybe for some. Yet, I've never felt that drive. If anything I've always preferred the idea of only being with one person sexually my whole life. And there are asexual people who get no thrill from it at all. Biology and sexuality is an individual thing. Doesn't mean anyone is better or worse than anyone else, just that everyone is different and that you can't label things so cut and dry as to say it's some kind of imperative for people to be having sex or wanting to try different partners

8 hours ago, catfeeder said:

This is why people who stunt themselves by committing to high school sweethearts or college loves typically break up between ages 21 to 30. They’ve never allowed themselves the same experimental period as those who’ve remained single or have had a few shorter relationships.

As someone who fits that category of single/few relationships, I wish it had been the other way. The person I was in my teens is essentially the same person I am today at 40. The core of my believes and values, the things that interest me, my basic personality traits... I'm still the same person I always was. I can't say I had an experimental period. I knew who I was and what I wanted. So if I had been lucky enough to find the right person and marry them, I doubt I would have felt like I had missed out on anything. The two of us could still have grown and changed in some ways, but we'd be lucky enough to do it together, having that extra support that gets you through the tough times.

Yes, it's important to know yourself first and not rush into something because you think you are suppose to. But everyone develops differently. Some people are ready to commit themselves sooner. Some aren't ready and need more time to figure themselves out. So figure out who you are, follow your own heart, and do what is right for you.

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I'm still the same person I always was. I can't say I had an experimental period. I knew who I was and what I wanted.

Also a person doesn't have to experiment by doing an unhealthy action -or unhealthy to them - you don't have to try drugs/get drunk/have a risky one night stand (some are more risky than others) to know you are tempted but don't need to actually do it to grow personally or know yourself better.  I was tempted to have casual sex at points in my early teen/20s life and this was the age of rampant HIV infection and herpes- 1980s - so that was a great way to keep me from actually doing it.  I have zero regrets/didn't miss out at all.  I was around drugs a lot and knew it wasn't for me so I didn't experiment.  But I did other comfort zone abandoning stuff that I knew was worth the risks and I have great memories 20-40 years later.  I still do that sort of thing and as a parent -you have to get out of your comfort zone IMO to be a good parent. 

I am not sure I knew who I was/what I wanted but I knew how to balance risks/benefits and grow personally.

[BunnyGirlR]

Just now, TheCrow said:

I've always found the  'we met at 16, been together 30 years, I've never wanted anyone else' set ups bewildering. Wanting to experiment sexually when young is not just natural, it's biology-driven.  OP is nowhere near ready to settle down with one man for the rest of her life. There is nothing wrong with either her or him. She just needs to live her life, explore, experience, sample, learn and grow,  And then find her forever man.

My point exactly. 

[ShySoul]

15 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Also a person doesn't have to experiment by doing an unhealthy action -or unhealthy to them - you don't have to try drugs/get drunk/have a risky one night stand (some are more risky than others) to know you are tempted but don't need to actually do it to grow personally or know yourself better. ..But I did other comfort zone abandoning stuff that I knew was worth the risks and I have great memories 20-40 years later. 

A lot of growth can come from simply observing what's around you. That's probably the one advantage of being exposed to a lot of unhealthy things by the people around you, you learn the things you don't want to try for yourself. Alcohol, drugs, toxic relationships... I saw early on how much harm it did people. So I was never tempted by those things. And even if someone is, they can learn from others mistakes and know not to fall prey to those temptations. 

I look at it as not abandoning the comfort zone but finding ways to extend or maximize what you are confortable with. I don't like crowds, loud noise, or small talk. So pushing myself out of my comfort zone to go to a nightclub would be a nightware. I do like helping others, so volunteering and pushing myself to talk with other volunteers who have a passion for whatever we are doing is a good way to push myself while still being comfortable. As a parent, I imagine my love for my child and providing them the best I could would be reason enough to do more then I might prefer by myself. It would really be about making sure the child is comfortable and not trying to force anything on them. 

At the end of the day, life is a journey to figuring ourselves out. I think to many look to external sources to do so. The real journey is looking inside yourself. What other people do/say/think isn't as important as knowing who you are and being the person you want to be.

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, ShySoul said:

As a parent, I imagine my love for my child and providing them the best I could would be reason enough to do more then I might prefer by myself. It would really be about making sure the child is comfortable and not trying to force anything on them

Good example.  It's all a balance though.  My child often says to me with a smirk "ok mom are you going to force me?" Because he wants me to. And I have in situations cause mama knew best and child said thank you after. Totally respect parents who would never do so even if the child asked.

And so the same with yourself -sometimes we have to "force" a bit -a bit- and also know when to stop.  It's not set in stone and that is what makes it so hard. 

Today I have to -I have to assert myself in a work situation and it's uncomfortable.  I don't like it at all.  But if I don't the lack of comfort will be worse. Here's the thing - obviously I can quit.  I can say -oh well I'm no longer comfortable and I'm too scared to assert so I'll just quit and walk away and find a more "comfortable" work situation where I don't need to confront this particular fear of asserting myself. 

 I jumped off a cliff multiple feet into water while on a teen tour and I was not a strong swimmer.   And in 2007 I started trying to conceive a human being knowing I was risking great disappointment and more.  I've interviewed at places way out of my league and approached men who also were way out of my league.  And potential business opportunities.

Neither was comfortable or just about extending or maximizing.  But - for me anyway - pushing to do something that is mostly risky or unhealthy on balance -risky in an unhealthy way -isn't worth any force. I don't agree that the OP should sexually experiment just because she never has.  She can if she desires but not just because she never has.  JMHO.  I know of many people who get plenty of experimentation and openness with their one and only partner,etc. And those who prefer to have many partners but not simply to "experience" it.  I don't think the OP's desire to sleep around is worth the risks.