A message from my ex's roommate that I'm not sure how to process...

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Cynder said:

I woke up to a text from him asking if I want to vend at an event that he is part of in February.  It's a Valentine's Day event.  I told him no because I probably won't have a ride and because right now money is tight and I can't afford the fee.  He answered back right away and told me he will come and pick me up, and that he has a double booth that we can share, he won't ask me for anything for the fee. 

As of now I just haven't answered him.  Given that there are still feelings there, I know I can't handle that, especially with it being a Valentine's day show which is all about love, etc.  I don't really care about Valentine's Day but it's a really big deal for him.  I'm sure there was some kind of motive on his part asking me to do this with him. 

You don't trust him or yourself so it's not worth the "free ride" and free space.  You'll spend more on stomach or headache meds unfortunately if you subject yourself to this.

[Cynder]

30 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You don't trust him or yourself so it's not worth the "free ride" and free space.  You'll spend more on stomach or headache meds unfortunately if you subject yourself to this.

Yea I know.  I just kinda left him hanging yesterday, too.  I need to come up with a way to let him down easy.

[Cynder]

I woke up feeling so sad about this whole situation today.  I can't even explain why.  It's not like anything triggered it. 

On nights when there are three of us working the overnight shift at work, we take turns working the front desk.  Last night when I was out front my one coworker came out and asked if I was ok because I was so quiet last night.  She was like, "You're always quiet but tonight you're talking less than usual, I jsut wondered if everything was alright."  This really shocked me because it almost never happens.  No one ever notices when anything is off about me, probably because most people think of me as someone who is permanently defective, or they just don't care enough to notice. 

She went on to tell me she's worried about me because someone who's "obviously crazy" is trying to get back into my life. 

Today when I was asleep I kept having dreams about him, too.  Nothing significant happened in any of the dreams.  None of them even took the form of a real story.  They were just random things that involved him. 

I have a gallery show coming up that I am so under-prepared for...  I can't really explain why him being depressed when we were together made me just lose my drive to paint anything and I still don't have it back.  I have 18 paintings for the show, but they aren't my best work and I don't even feel the slightest bit excited about it.  I feel like it's someone else's work being shown and I am just their representative.  (Which is really interesting, because at festivals I get this all the time.  Except then it actually is my best work, and a lot of people come into my booth and think someone else must be the artist.)

[Batya33]

That was thoughtful of your coworker! I think your reactions are normal -you are very vulnerable about the whole situation and this is a fairly intense level of interaction you're now having with him.  I hope you feel better.

[Cynder]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That was thoughtful of your coworker! I think your reactions are normal -you are very vulnerable about the whole situation and this is a fairly intense level of interaction you're now having with him.  I hope you feel better.

I still haven't answered him about the show.  I don't want to do it, but all my attempts at excuses have been shot down.  I don't have a ride?  Well, he'll give me a ride.  I can't afford the fee.  He has that covered.  So now I just have to fess up and tell him I don't want to do a Valentine's Day show with him. 

[Batya33]

54 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I still haven't answered him about the show.  I don't want to do it, but all my attempts at excuses have been shot down.  I don't have a ride?  Well, he'll give me a ride.  I can't afford the fee.  He has that covered.  So now I just have to fess up and tell him I don't want to do a Valentine's Day show with him. 

Who cares? My son does that to me too when he wants something. Simply say “no thank you.”  No need to say why. None of his business. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

I still haven't answered him about the show.  I don't want to do it, but all my attempts at excuses have been shot down.  I don't have a ride?  Well, he'll give me a ride.  I can't afford the fee.  He has that covered.  So now I just have to fess up and tell him I don't want to do a Valentine's Day show with him. 

You never need an excuse to say no to anything. That’s a leftover knee-jerk from when you were young and powerless to the demands of others.

You can say something like, “I appreciate the offer, it’s just too soon for me to consider right now. Thank you for understanding.”

[ShySoul]

Ditto what they said. You don't need an excuse to say no. You don't have to explain yourself or come up with a way to let people down easy, especially if you've alreay shown you aren't comfortable with the idea. Sometimes the only way to get through is to just say "no thank you" and leave it at that.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, catfeeder said:

You never need an excuse to say no to anything. That’s a leftover knee-jerk from when you were young and powerless to the demands of others.

You can say something like, “I appreciate the offer, it’s just too soon for me to consider right now. Thank you for understanding.”

I'd be concerned that this sort of response would seem like an opening for him to inquire further -despite being polite.  And sure she can then close that door but it's -- annoying. I like the "thank you for understanding" as an add on but more like "No thanks and I'd appreciate not discussing it further-as I trust you'll understand"

[boltnrun]

"Thank you for offering, but I won't be attending. I hope it goes well for you."

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, boltnrun said:

"Thank you for offering, but I won't be attending. I hope it goes well for you."

This is literally all you need to say, OP.

And then don't engage in any futher dialogue about it. He's not someone who respects boundaries very well, clearly, so you need to stand firm and remember you owe him zero explanation.