A message from my ex's roommate that I'm not sure how to process...

[Seraphim]

The manipulation is he is trying to hoover you back in by saying we are both just victims of circumstance yada yada yada. The US against the world story. Building a rapport with you. 

[Cynder]

2 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

The manipulation is he is trying to hoover you back in by saying we are both just victims of circumstance yada yada yada. The US against the world story. Building a rapport with you. 

Right, I can see that.  "Oh we both suffered so much,," etc.  We were both suffering.  But he's not an idiot.  He could have thought logically about his niece taking off instead of just jumping all over me and accusing me and my brother of being behind it.  His niece was 19, about to turn 20.  She's a legal adult.  If she decided she didn't want any part of her Mom's craziness and constant drama anymore, she had every right to leave.  Honestly, I admire her for making that decision and I wish I would have had the balls to do that when I was her age and still lived at home. 

But for some reason, both him and his sister decided I did this.  I persuaded her to run off.  And I sent my brother there to get her in the middle of the night.  And I was hiding her at my house.  His sister was the one who came up with this theory, and my ex just went along with it.  I love how people just use me as a scapegoat in situations like this.  In this case it was because his sister noticed I was friends with the niece on Facebook. Ok... so because I was her friend on FB that means I was involved in this whole conspiracy and I'm hiding her at my house?  

My ex went completely ballistic on me over this.  There was no reasoning with him.  He could have stopped to actually think about it and stopped himself from acting that way. 

Another thing he said during this same conversation:  "It took me too long to realize how crazy she was and how much she was messing up my life.  I haven't talked to her in 3 months and it's you I'm talking to now."  My response:  "Yea, you're talking to me now.  But things are never going to be like they were before."  His response was a long message about how much he wishes he could take it all back. 

Hearing "I wish I could take it all back." just frustrates me.  Everyone feels so guilty after the fact.  How come no one stops to think about what they're doing before they do it?  When my ex husband was screwing around with one of my close friends... after I found out, they were both so sorry and they both wished they could take it back.  Ok... but neither of them thought about that when they were meeting up behind my back when I was at work and going out on dates, and banging, and talking crap about me, etc.  They were only sorry when they got caught. 

My recent ex didn't do anything behind my back.  This was all front and center and out on the open.  But still, him wishing he could take it all back just makes me feel worse for some reason. 

[Seraphim]

He is counting on the fact you feel worse and feel sorry for him so you keep talking to him . 
 

Honestly, I think he needs to be in the past . 

[Cynder]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

He is counting on the fact you feel worse and feel sorry for him so you keep talking to him . 
 

Honestly, I think he needs to be in the past . 

Yea.  He has had a sinus infection for a while, too.  Which is interesting because so have I.  I finally got medical insurance that kicked in on the 1st of the year so I can finally, hopefully get rid of it.  And he had oral surgery yesterday.  He is really playing up his health problems since we've been talking again.  Like, "I'm suffering so much...  I'm in so much pain..."  Which I don't doubt he's in pain.  I've been through oral surgery, it sucks.  But it's almost like he wants me to say, "Aw, you poor baby..." 

[Seraphim]

He is playing on your emotions but when push came to shove he accused you without question. That is what you need to remember. I am not saying to hate him or anything but remember what happened . 

[Cynder]

5 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

He is playing on your emotions but when push came to shove he accused you without question. That is what you need to remember. I am not saying to hate him or anything but remember what happened . 

I don't waste energy on hate. 

I still have a lot of anger, though.  And not even anger at him.  Just anger at the situation.  I don't understand why things had to happen this way. 

[ShySoul]

20 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Hearing "I wish I could take it all back." just frustrates me.  Everyone feels so guilty after the fact.  How come no one stops to think about what they're doing before they do it? 

How much of the crap people go through would be solved if people just took a minute to think before they speak? If they thought about their actions rather then just doing them? Sure, people can make mistakes, get caught up in the moment. But most of the time you have to know better. There has to be some part of you that is saying "this is wrong, don't do it." And yet, people do it anyway. 

You feel worse because you care. It's easy to be okay when you know the person is trash and they are not worth your time. But when you see the good parts of a person and they seem to regret their actions, you want to believe them. You want to forgive and forget. But you have to remember what the person did. He knew what he was doing and still did it. Don't give him the chance to do something else. You need to think about you and focus on yourself. 

[ShySoul]

3 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I don't waste energy on hate. 

I still have a lot of anger, though.  And not even anger at him.  Just anger at the situation.  I don't understand why things had to happen this way. 

Pretty much how I've felt about many of the things I've gone through. I don't know why messed up things have to happen, or why some seem to have it happen so often. Trying to figure it out has driven me crazy at times. All I know is I keep hope that one day something really good will happen instead and that all the bad things will help me appreciate and value it more. You can't see the rainbow until after the storm passes. And you really deserve to find that rainbow one of these days.

[Cynder]

58 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Pretty much how I've felt about many of the things I've gone through. I don't know why messed up things have to happen, or why some seem to have it happen so often. Trying to figure it out has driven me crazy at times. All I know is I keep hope that one day something really good will happen instead and that all the bad things will help me appreciate and value it more. You can't see the rainbow until after the storm passes. And you really deserve to find that rainbow one of these days.

I thought being with him was my really good thing. 

[ShySoul]

Wish it had been for you. All the false alarms can make it seem like the good thing will never come. God knows I'm still wishing everyday for mine. But eventually we'll get there. Just hope it's sooner rather then later. 😉

[Cynder]

30 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Wish it had been for you. All the false alarms can make it seem like the good thing will never come. God knows I'm still wishing everyday for mine. But eventually we'll get there. Just hope it's sooner rather then later. 😉

I think maybe my status as an artist and the other creative things I'm doing are probably as good as it's going to get for me.  Before him, I couldn't make anyone happy.  I can't figure out what people want.  Everyone before him was always in love with what they wanted me to be, and not in love with me.  It was always, "Well, if you were hotter/smarter/made more money, etc..."  But the bar just kept raising.  He met me where I was and he never expected me to change for him.  He's the only partner I had who actually made me feel like I was enough.  And then there's the fact that I absolutely adore his son, too.  For a while right after we broke up I didn't really get emotional until I started talking about his son.  I was in my therapists office talking all about this... and didn't shed any tears until his son came up in the conversation.  But, now I could use that to my advantage in a way. I need to keep reminding myself how awful he was to his son.  He got paranoid and accused his son of doing some things that didn't make sense, either.  And his son, who is autistic, is actually traumatized over those incidents.  He moved out and went to live with relatives.  He doesn't speak to his dad at all.  The woman he calls Mom doesn't speak to him either.  He drove almost everyone close to him away.  So it's not like this is just one mistake he made.  He hurt a lot of people. 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Cynder said:

I thought being with him was my really good thing. 

I'd rethink the "with" part - for much of the time you weren't "with" him in the healthy sense of a romantic relationship.  For various reasons.  And for him "with" has a huge range as he's comfortable attaching significant -but false-labels to people to the point that who knows if there's really any substance. And who knows really what arrangement him and his husband had (you said he was married to this person -that wasn't just a label) - they told you about their open marriage etc but given how he morphs his interactions with so many people he says are significant in his life who really knows and apparently things were on the rocks anyway. 

I'm not saying he didn't care about you -I'm saying he was not a committed romantic partner to you for most if not all the time you interacted as "more than friends." 

I think he did care about you when you two interacted as platonic friends but that was an easier thing for him to do since it didn't involve him having to twist into a pretzel to define how you fit in in relation to his other interactions including interactions with himself when he had his mental health struggles.  You didn't -understandably- want the role anymore of just friends - and while he at times might have had good intentions this meant integrating you into his life where he makes up labels to suit himself and his view of the world and his world whether or not it's at all consistent with reality. 

Many do this to a minor extent at times -including kids with imaginary friends, people with rough home lives who attach to a mentor like a father or mother figure, married people who lose  their own parents and refer to their inlaws as mom and dad -and mean it!  - but to the extent he did it and to the extent he drew you in in a very uncomfortable and damaging way -it's not quite right -in fact IMO it's wrong.  

[Cynder]

I got a shipment of new magnets today.  Magnets were a new thing that I just introduced last season.  He loved my magnets.  Since they were so expensive to order I only did a limited run last season with 6 designs.  Well, they sell like crazy so now I have 20 designs.  When they came today I was so excited.  I took pictures and actually typed out a text to him to show them to him.  But then I decided I just don't feel like talking to him today.  Every time we talk things get really emotional.  We talked for a long time last night...  I just can't handle that every day. 

And then by pure coincidence his son messaged me and we talked for a while.  If I ever need a reason to keep my ex at a safe distance, it's the way he treated his son.  Mental illness isn't a get out of jail free card.  I'm mentally ill, too.  If my OCD ever causes me to hurt someone, I am still accountable.  My ex blames his mental illness on everything.  And I understand it's hard to live with PTSD.  But he's not completely brain dead.  He could have stopped to think any second, "Hey, maybe I should try to treat my son better." 

And I fessed up and told his son what I did.  I told him I caved and answered his dad after ignoring all his messages for months.  I also told him I thought maybe this would bring some closure, but I don't feel any better.  All it did was open up the wound again.  And, turns out his son talked to him recently also.  And he doesn't feel any better after talking to his dad.  There was no closure.  He just got really pissed off and frustrated and decided it wasn't worth it. 

I'm sure a lot of people think it's weird that his Mom and his son have helped me the most in all of this.  But it doesn't matter.  He hurt them, too. 

And as much as I don't like his sister... if what I heard from her is true, he could have treated her better, as well.  She caught him spitting in her drink.  He slammed on the breaks on a busy highway with her in the car and he got out and ran into traffic.  He supposedly trashed her house and broke a lot of her stuff, too. I do take all of this with a grain of salt, though, because I know for a fact she's a liar.  

So hopefully tomorrow I can do the same thing. 

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, Cynder said:

I'm sure a lot of people think it's weird that his Mom and his son have helped me the most in all of this.  But it doesn't matter.  He hurt them, too. 

Makes perfect sense to me. They have probably been closer to him then just about anyone, been around him to see both the good and the bad. They have been hurt by him as well. They can best relate to what you are feeling, the mix of sadness and anger while still caring for his well being. It's a mini-support group with people who really understand the situation. 

Maybe some people are put in our life to lead us to someone or something else. As much as you might have wanted the ex to work out, maybe it had to be that way so that you would be there for the son, so that the two of you could be there for each other. If you ever have doubts, think of him. Be the caring, supportive person he needs and is not getting from the ex. And it sounds like he would do the same for you. 

23 hours ago, Cynder said:

  He met me where I was and he never expected me to change for him.  He's the only partner I had who actually made me feel like I was enough. 

That's all I've ever wanted as well, someone who understands who I am and loves me as I am. But it always feels like people are more concerned with what they want you to be, like you are being compared to some imaginary checklist that you will always fall short of completing. Really wish more people could just accept people for who they are and be more encouraging,recognizing a person as a special, unique individual. Hoping you find that again Cynder, and wth someone a lot more stable this time.

[Cynder]

True.  I think the Universe sets things in motion and that things happen when they're supposed to.  And I think his son messaging me today was some divine intervention.  Because it literally hadn't even been 5 minutes since I typed the text about the magnets, and then deleted it, that his son messaged me. 

His son is one of those people who has collected parental figures all his life, since his actual parents weren't around much.  My ex was a heroine addict when his son was little.  He's been clean for a long time, but he still was strung out on drugs for a good chunk of his son's childhood.  Add to that, his son is also autistic. 

His son writes a lot.  He has written a lot of short stories based on this whole experience.  He let me read some of them and they are pretty good.  He has raw talent.  Most of the time when we talk we don't talk about his dad.  We talk about his car, his job, who he's dating, etc.  He works for Chewey, the pet meds site.  And like a lot of autistic people, he has really specialized interests.  His big thing is fixing cars.  He just got this clunker Jeep that he's fixing up.  He lives with his brother (my ex's other son, who also wants nothing to do with him.)

My ex has made it sound like he got everything all straightened out and that his issues are all resolved now.  If that's really the case, than that's awesome for him.  But from through a selfish lens, it also comes off like, "Look how much better my life is now that you're not in it." 

It would be nice if I found someone else who actually loved me and not who they wish I was.  But I don't even know if it's worth looking at this point.  I doubt I have much time left, for one.  I got my Dad's genes in every way.  And all the women on my dad's side of the family died when they were just a few years older than I am now.  So I've pretty much been prepared to die young(ish) all my life.  I love being single.  So why not spend my last few years single?  I think my creativity is all I have to give.  And it's not enough for most people.  So maybe from now on I will just have a relationship with that. 

My ex is really big on the idea of twin flames.  I am a massive skeptic when it comes to anything like that.  He insists that's what we are.  To me that's just another thing in the new age movement that's meant to suck money and energy from lonely people.  And I also find it interesting that he thinks I'm his twin and not his husband.  

I should have been painting tonight because I have a gallery show next month.  But I really needed to keep my mind busy.  My mind wanders off into all kinds of places when I paint.  So ever since about 10 last night I've been drafting my latest novel, Asylum.  Because when I write my mind is focused on nothing but what I'm writing. 

Hopefully you will also find someone who will meet you where you are.  Thank you for this reply. 

Back to Chapter 7...

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Really wish more people could just accept people for who they are and be more encouraging,recognizing a person as a special, unique individual.

I haven't had that experience and do not treat people that way.  Neither does my son and he's only 14. Neither does my sister, my husband or our parents.  One reason I think is because starting in my teens I did volunteer work regularly, traveled regularly, had a lot of exposure to diversity -different cultures, religions, sexual orientation etc - and where I grew up the first 28 years was an extremely diverse urban and and gritty type neighborhood. 

Doing volunteer work with women who were homeless, with their children, raising money for public radio stations and being around co-volunteers who were like minded, mentoring troubled teens through a program at my company many years ago, student teaching and teaching in inner city schools, etc. I chose to do all that and my parents were very supportive and also gave back.  I'm sorry you've had that experience and have that mindset! I don't always feel accepted either -for many years I was judged for being "still single" I've been judged for only having one child, and lately I suppose there seems to be tons of judgment on social media for those who don't share in that person's opinions "If you don't support ____ let me know and I'll unfriend you."  Ick.

Cynder -that's awesome about your magnets!!! I too hope you find a good match -I get why you gravitate towards people with struggles like D - and my sense is you can find people who are reasonably healthy and have that acceptance you want and deserve.

[catfeeder]

15 hours ago, ShySoul said:

...it always feels like people are more concerned with what they want you to be, like you are being compared to some imaginary checklist that you will always fall short of completing. Really wish more people could just accept people for who they are and be more encouraging,recognizing a person as a special, unique individual. Hoping you find that again Cynder, and wth someone a lot more stable this time.

Really good point, SS. I believe that there are far more accepting and encouraging people than we are able to recognize while we're too busy being the common denominator in all of those relationships with judgmental people.

The good news is, Cynder began a year or longer ago to eliminate toxic people from her life. This is the work that opens new doors to using well earned discretion in who gets allowed in.

It's not as though giving toxic folks the heave-ho is a simple mission followed by an immediate welcome into new dimensions of generosity, but rather, it's the place to start. Then hardest time is the period that follows--an awkward and lonely and dark period of having an empty address book. BUT! Wait! The hardest time is also the greatest work, and this kind of builds enough confidence in one's resilience to start applying real discretion when meeting others going forward.

This isn't the stuff of no longer attracting judgmental jerks--those will always cross everyone's path. The difference is, we are no longer attracted TO them.

 

[Cynder]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I haven't had that experience and do not treat people that way.  Neither does my son and he's only 14. Neither does my sister, my husband or our parents.  One reason I think is because starting in my teens I did volunteer work regularly, traveled regularly, had a lot of exposure to diversity -different cultures, religions, sexual orientation etc - and where I grew up the first 28 years was an extremely diverse urban and and gritty type neighborhood. 

Doing volunteer work with women who were homeless, with their children, raising money for public radio stations and being around co-volunteers who were like minded, mentoring troubled teens through a program at my company many years ago, student teaching and teaching in inner city schools, etc. I chose to do all that and my parents were very supportive and also gave back.  I'm sorry you've had that experience and have that mindset! I don't always feel accepted either -for many years I was judged for being "still single" I've been judged for only having one child, and lately I suppose there seems to be tons of judgment on social media for those who don't share in that person's opinions "If you don't support ____ let me know and I'll unfriend you."  Ick.

Cynder -that's awesome about your magnets!!! I too hope you find a good match -I get why you gravitate towards people with struggles like D - and my sense is you can find people who are reasonably healthy and have that acceptance you want and deserve.

See, I was raised in a family that hated everyone who wasn't like us.  Oh you're gay?  You're scum.  You're black?  Scum.  You have an accent.  Scum.  You're Muslim?  Scum.  Homeless?  Scum. My parents just didn't tolerate anyone who was different.  I went to high school with a bunch of kids from Laos.  My Mom told me pretty firmly that I wasn't allowed to talk to them, ever. (I didn't listen.  I'm not a bigot.) I had a crush on a German exchange student when I was a sophomore in high school, and my step Grandparents told me that was a sin because "God made different countries and he wants us all to stick to our own kind."  Yea, my parents hated other races.  They hated foreigners, the LGBTQ community, etc.  I'm really glad my generation grew up to break that cycle. 

I've always excepted people for who they are.  But in my experience, people like that are rare.  Every relationship but this one, it was always "If you were just more of this/less of that..."  I didn't mention it before, but my disability causes issues in relationships, too.  Once again, this one was the only one where it didn't.  People always say their fine with it in the beginning.  But in the long run most people aren't.  People get tired of doing all the driving.  I've always been willing to help pay for gas because in my opinion it's the least I could do.  But I've also had two exes who expected me to help pay their car payments because they did all the driving in the relationship.  And we didn't live together.  I didn't, but then I was told how selfish I am because I won't help pay for their cars.  I've been accused of faking it, being lazy, etc.  That was a big thing with my ex husband's family.  They were set on thinking I was just too lazy to get my license.  Trust me, there's no way I would ever choose to not drive.  Not being able to drive has limited my opportunities in so many ways.  My recent ex is the only one who really didn't have an issue with my disability. 

I gravitate toward people with struggles because that's what I know.  But not everyone from my past had a lot of struggles, either.  I've had a few relationships with people who had it pretty easy growing up.  And it's hard to relate to people like that. 

In one extreme case, the other vendor I dated had a perfect, idyllic childhood and his family was really wealthy.  He had a trust fund.  He didn't have to work a regular job.  His house was a gift from his parents and so was his car.  His parents also paid his credit card debts for him every couple years.  I'm not saying that he was any better than anyone because his family had money.  But it was really hard to be on any kind of level playing field with someone like him.  He didn't understand what it's like to work a job where you're not your own boss.  He slept as late as he wanted every day.  Then he got up, got his daily Starbucks, went to the gym, then came home and lounged around.  If I ever said I was tired when I got off work he would tell me to stop being so negative.  Well hey, I had to be at work at 5AM and my job was stressful.  I was a Quality Inspector in an automotive plant.  He would accuse me of just "Looking for something to complain about."  So I learned real fast not to ever complain about anything around him.  His big thing with me was, "If you weren't so negative."  Well, I'm not being negative, I'm just being human.  Most people don't have the luxury of sleeping until 10-11AM, going to Starbucks, hanging out at the gym for a few hours, and then driving their free car home to their free house to chill and watch movies all day while they wait for their big fat trust fund check to come. 

Anyway...  I wish there were more people out there who just excepted everyone for who they are.  Sadly most people aren't capable of it. 

[Cynder]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Really good point, SS. I believe that there are far more accepting and encouraging people than we are able to recognize while we're too busy being the common denominator in all of those relationships with judgmental people.

The good news is, Cynder began a year or longer ago to eliminate toxic people from her life. This is the work that opens new doors to using well earned discretion in who gets allowed in.

It's not as though giving toxic folks the heave-ho is a simple mission followed by an immediate welcome into new dimensions of generosity, but rather, it's the place to start. Then hardest time is the period that follows--an awkward and lonely and dark period of having an empty address book. BUT! Wait! The hardest time is also the greatest work, and this kind of builds enough confidence in one's resilience to start applying real discretion when meeting others going forward.

This isn't the stuff of no longer attracting judgmental jerks--those will always cross everyone's path. The difference is, we are no longer attracted TO them.

 

This is already working.  I met someone recently who seemed like a good person until he started telling me all about how his ex won't let him see his daughter and his multiple domestic violence charges.  But of course, she lied.  She's a psychopath.  He's the victim in all this.  And I'm not saying there aren't women out there like that. And I also understand that there's a gender bias when it comes to stuff like that. But I could tell by the way he was talking that something wasn't right.  It's hard to really explain.  Like dude...  I'm sure the cops didn't just take you to jail and charge you with DV multiple times over nothing.  The best way I can describe it is that his words had a slippery quality.  I know that doesn't make any sense.  I could just tell something was off when he was telling me all of this.  And it was very obvious he was interested in me, too.  Ten years ago I probably would have given him the benefit of the doubt, and then it would be me getting beat up, I'm sure. 

[catfeeder]

8 minutes ago, Cynder said:

The best way I can describe it is that his words had a slippery quality.  I know that doesn't make any sense. 

Oh, oh, oh. Makes perfect sense. Good on you!

Quote

... Ten years ago I probably would have given him the benefit of the doubt, and then it would be me getting beat up, I'm sure. 

THAT is exactly the difference between generosity of spirit versus a trauma trap.

You were raised in a continual state of trauma. You also did what is natural for adolescents to do--rebel. So you took a 180 degree position against the bigotry of your family and embraced the very stuff in people that would be instantly rejected by them.

However, that's the typical over-correction that we all need to learn how to dial back. Traumatized people have yet another layer to this. It's not just empathy for those who've been harmed, it's identification WITH those who've been harmed.

The problem is, while you escaped growing into one who perpetuates an abuse cycle, many people have NOT escaped that cycle, whether their experience had been abuse, bigotry or just plain provincial ignorance and superstition. You ended up dealing with these people, and to cloud the issue even more, abusive behaviors and environments seem normal to you--it's how you were raised.

So it's only been through your IQ and your EQ that you've been able to learn over time how to distinguish 'acceptable' from 'unacceptable' in terms of behaviors, and also in terms of friends, family and partners. This doesn't mean you're infallible and will never make a mistake, but same is equally true of everyone.

So! While you've been less than confident in your ability to read social cues, this 'slippery' feeling you picked up on is exactly the stuff that's helpful to 'read'. Yes, it's hard to describe--you just tend to sense it, and that's all you need.

So happy to hear this!

[Batya33]

Also so happy to hear about your growth! Over the last 50 years I've met many many people who are not stuck in their childhoods or "how they were raised " and I mean specifically people who were raised in "normal" families, financially stable, opportunities -I know of many many people who strive to be and are -empathetic, supportive, understanding of individuals who lived lives or live lives incredibly different from theirs.  Certainly it's much harder to get unstuck when the background is trauma or abuse but I don't like to see assumptions made that just because someone was fortunate they cannot possibly get it or understand.

Obviously the individual man you mentioned did not get it.  That's a shame! I've met my share of narrow minded /unsympathetic/self absorbed people too!

Anyway you should be proud of what you're doing and all you are planning to do going forward.  

[catfeeder]

32 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

...I mean specifically people who were raised in "normal" families, financially stable, opportunities -I know of many many people who strive to be and are -empathetic, supportive, understanding of individuals who lived lives or live lives incredibly different from theirs. 

Yes, and these multitudes of people are some of the very ones who can come through an open door that's no longer blocked by the toxic people who once stole your focus with their attention-seeking and drama, Cynder.

I get that the world as you have known it has been cold and cruel, but I believe you know through your travels and festivals and plain basic intelligence that the world is far larger than the limits of your past exposure.

Plus, there's always US, and we're not so bad. 🙂

 

[ShySoul]

So to clarify, I know that most people are basically good. My parents were flawed in many ways, but they didn't try to push me to me anything I wasn't and I know they loved me for me. Problem was that love didn't seem as important to them as their own issues. At times I felt like more of the parent to them. I've also done a lot of volunteering, was volunteer coordinator for my accounting group in college and tutored adult literacy for years as an adult. So I know that plenty of people are willing to give their time to others. I'm also from San Francisco, so I was exposed to a diverse, liberal culture from the start. 

But I've also always had a different way of thinking then most people I've been around. What has seemed important to them doesn't really matter much to me, and vice versa. Combine that with my natural personality (I picked the name ShySoul for a reason) and it just feels like I don't really fit anywhere. So when I do encounter the judgemental and mean people (and there are far more of those then there should be) it's extra fustrating. 

5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

The problem is, while you escaped growing into one who perpetuates an abuse cycle, many people have NOT escaped that cycle, whether their experience had been abuse, bigotry or just plain provincial ignorance and superstition. You ended up dealing with these people, and to cloud the issue even more, abusive behaviors and environments seem normal to you--it's how you were raised.

In other words, it's all our parent's fault? Just kidding.

Amazing how much our formative experiences affect us through our whole life. For some they just end up repeating the cycle endlessly. Those that manage to end the cycle, don't really escape through. They end up being extra sensitive to the issue and are quicker to spot it in others. Part of them wants to help these people, as much for themselves as for the other person. 

7 hours ago, Cynder said:

I wish there were more people out there who just excepted everyone for who they are.  Sadly most people aren't capable of it. 

I think most are and most try. But humans are remarkable flawed creations at this point in time. So even when we try, we often fail to live up to our potential. It's not always easy, but I really believe humans are capable of amazing things and this world could be a much better place. It's just going to take many more years then I have left to build that world. So I do what I can day by day to make things better in small ways, helping those I can.

[Cynder]

I woke up to a text from him asking if I want to vend at an event that he is part of in February.  It's a Valentine's Day event.  I told him no because I probably won't have a ride and because right now money is tight and I can't afford the fee.  He answered back right away and told me he will come and pick me up, and that he has a double booth that we can share, he won't ask me for anything for the fee. 

As of now I just haven't answered him.  Given that there are still feelings there, I know I can't handle that, especially with it being a Valentine's day show which is all about love, etc.  I don't really care about Valentine's Day but it's a really big deal for him.  I'm sure there was some kind of motive on his part asking me to do this with him. 

[ShySoul]

You made the right call. If it's going to be to much emotionally for you, don't put yourself in that position. It would just hurt you and, if he's that big into Valentine's day, might get his hopes up for something that's not going to happen. Best to stop anything before it starts.