A message from my ex's roommate that I'm not sure how to process...

[Cynder]

So last night when I got to work, I got this message from one of my ex's roommates.  I'm really not sure how to process it.  I've been sick and miserable for a week and on some level I was really happy reading this.  I didn't screenshot the whole conversation but what I said back to them was basically, "I don't hate him.  I don't think he's a jerk.  I miss him too." 

They told me I really should message him.  I said if he wants to talk to me, he has my number. And then they said, "Well yea, but he texted you a couple times and you ignored him." 

I said, "I had my reasons for not answering.  I won't go into all of that with you.  This is between him and I."  I told them I'm not trying to be rude or anything.  I just don't want to go into all this detail with his roommate.  If my ex wants to talk to me, he can talk to me.

They went on to tell me that my ex wants to finish the book he started writing when we were still together.  I am glad he is trying to do that because I know it was really important to him.  He wanted me to do the illustrations for it.  And then they told me that when they had Covid it nearly killed them.  And that was pretty much the end of the conversation. 

This is new territory for me.  It's been almost 3 months since we broke up.  And I say new territory because this is the first mutual breakup I've ever been a part of.  Usually I'm the dumper.  And it's also new territory because in the past when a relationship has ended, it's usually because they cheated.  It's so much easier to cut ties with someone who cheated or wronged me in some way and move on.  This relationship ended because of his mental health issues.  And it was a mutual breakup, but it wasn't easy for either of us. 

I don't want him back as a romantic partner.  But it would be nice if we could be friends again.  We had 6 years of friendship before we dated.  And I do miss that. 

I've been really tempted to text him today.  But I haven't.  I'm not really sure what the best course of action is here.  I keep telling myself to not get sucked into this.  And that texting him will only cause drama.  But I've also questioned my own reasons for thinking that.  Like, is it really that I think it will cause drama or is it more about pride?  Like do I just want to make sure the ball stays in my court, etc?  (And no I don't expect anyone here to know the answer to that question, none of you are inside my head.  I'm just being honest with myself.)

So, does anyone have any thoughts on this?  Also (because I'm sure some people here are going to comment on this) I know his roommate's typing/grammar isn't perfect.  That doesn't mean they're some kind of idiot or that anyone here is any better than they are.  Some people just aren't big on text messaging.  And with the formatting, I don't know if the screenshots are going to come up in order, sorry if they don't. 

[Wiseman2]

You're right. If he wants to contact you he can. Please don't be manipulated by these roommates. It's none of their business.

[Cynder]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're right. If he wants to contact you he can. Please don't be manipulated by these roommates. It's none of their business.

Right?  I have wondered what their motivation is for even sending a message like this. So many of his friends told me that when we started dating he was so much happier and more pleasant to be around.  Maybe since this person has to live with him  they just want to see him happy again because it makes their life easier, idk.  He isn't close with this particular roommate.  Oh well, it's not my issue to figure out. 

[Batya33]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're right. If he wants to contact you he can. Please don't be manipulated by these roommates. It's none of their business.

I agree.  Also why doesn't he live with his husband?

[Cynder]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I agree.  Also why doesn't he live with his husband?

He does.  They have roommates. Their rent is 2.5 times what my mortgage payment is.  The cost of living is high where they live.  It's really hard to afford housing on your own. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Cynder said:

He does.  They have roommates. Their rent is 2.5 times what my mortgage payment is.  The cost of living is high where they live.  It's really hard to afford housing on your own. 

OK I see- I'd pretend you never received any of those messages.  Roommate sounds like a meddler.

[Seraphim]

You are right. If he wants to call you he can. Sending roommates to hoover you back in isn’t cool. 

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

You are right. If he wants to call you he can. Sending roommates to hoover you back in isn’t cool. 

I don't know if he put his roommate up to this.  It could be either way. 

[MissCanuck]

Ignore and delete. 

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, Cynder said:

So, does anyone have any thoughts on this? 

Yes. Block everybody including the roomate. If he wants an illustrator for the book he can hire one. You stopped being part of that mess and never should go back to it. I mean it was a mess from the start. But now at least you can see what a mess it is and never should go back in any form to it. Even friends one.

[Cynder]

9 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Yes. Block everybody including the roomate. If he wants an illustrator for the book he can hire one. You stopped being part of that mess and never should go back to it. I mean it was a mess from the start. But now at least you can see what a mess it is and never should go back in any form to it. Even friends one.

I'm just curious, why do you think it was a mess from the start?

[Kwothe28]

1 minute ago, Cynder said:

I'm just curious, why do you think it was a mess from the start?

If you say to anybody that your boyfriend is having a husband that he lives with, what do you think 99 out of 100 people would say to you about the situation? That its very messy by itself. You started something there. And what did happen by the end? It continued to be messy. And is messy now with his roomates interjecting in something that shouldnt even be a discussion.

We cant expect a different outcomes when the situations we enter dont allow different outcomes. As they are a mess by itself. All we can do is learn from them when they happen. So, take it as a lesson. And please dont come back to all that mess in any form. 

[Cynder]

4 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

If you say to anybody that your boyfriend is having a husband that he lives with, what do you think 99 out of 100 people would say to you about the situation? That its very messy by itself. You started something there. And what did happen by the end? It continued to be messy. And is messy now with his roomates interjecting in something that shouldnt even be a discussion.

We cant expect a different outcomes when the situations we enter dont allow different outcomes. As they are a mess by itself. All we can do is learn from them when they happen. So, take it as a lesson. And please dont come back to all that mess in any form. 

So basically it was a mess from the start (in your opinion) because it was a poly relationship? I had a feeling that was exactly what you were going to say, that's why I asked.  Lol.

[Kwothe28]

52 minutes ago, Cynder said:

So basically it was a mess from the start (in your opinion) because it was a poly relationship? I had a feeling that was exactly what you were going to say, that's why I asked.  Lol.

See, that tells me you learned exactly nothing from all of this. Because instead of retrospecting why you chose to be a part of that mess and deciding you wont do that again, you use it as some proverbial "Gotcha" to me. Again, how did it ended? The same way it started. Messy.

People who dont learn from their choices, are bound to repeat them. So, enjoy yours. Just dont come again complaining about it in future when you decide to maybe restart this mess or start another one. 

[Batya33]

Also how do you know who was typing the messages? May have been your ex, the roommate or - whoever.  

[Cynder]

26 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Also how do you know who was typing the messages? May have been your ex, the roommate or - whoever.  

I did consider that.  Personally, I don't think it was him typing it because of the difference in writing styles.  But he could have been sitting there telling his roommate what to write.  I kept that in mind when I replied, too.  Like I made it a point to not say anything I wouldn't tell him to his face. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Cynder said:

I did consider that.  Personally, I don't think it was him typing it because of the difference in writing styles.  But he could have been sitting there telling his roommate what to write.  I kept that in mind when I replied, too.  Like I made it a point to not say anything I wouldn't tell him to his face. 

Exactly or could have been anyone with access to the device.  

[Cynder]

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Exactly or could have been anyone with access to the device.  

I will be at a huge Krampus themed festival this weekend.  I've done it every year for the last five years or so.  Last year he was there with me.  Being from Germany, he is really into Krampus.  I know it probably doesn't make a ton of sense but I wonder if that festival coming up is part of what caused this.  He might be thinking about going and I'm sure he knows I'll be there.  It might have been his way of testing the waters to see how I would react if he shows up. 

It's a free country.  He can go wherever he wants.  I do hope he doesn't show up there this weekend, though. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Cynder said:

I will be at a huge Krampus themed festival this weekend.  I've done it every year for the last five years or so.  Last year he was there with me.  Being from Germany, he is really into Krampus.  I know it probably doesn't make a ton of sense but I wonder if that festival coming up is part of what caused this.  He might be thinking about going and I'm sure he knows I'll be there.  It might have been his way of testing the waters to see how I would react if he shows up. 

It's a free country.  He can go wherever he wants.  I do hope he doesn't show up there this weekend, though. 

I would if I were you do everything in my power to redirect or distract yourself from musing about what triggered typed words about the past. It just encourages stuck-ness.  I had many many experiences of running into exes or their friends and family over the years. Simply ignore or be perfunctorily polite. 

[Cynder]

I woke up about an hour ago, to a message from his Mom (Her name is Melissa) Keep in mind when I say his Mom, she's not actually his Mom.  His actual mother is in Germany and they haven't spoken in 20ish years.  He lived upstairs from Melissa when he first moved out on his own and was pretty new to the US, and she took him under her wing.  He's been invited to her house for the holidays for 20 years.  Just giving some background, this is the kind relationship they had.  She cut him off, though. 

But apparently she was out and about today and ran into him.  She didn't actually talk to him.  She talked to his husband, W.  There was a festival this past weekend that I used to do every year, religiously.  Well, due to financial reasons I stopped doing it.  The vendor fee is really high and the organizer doesn't really provide a good experience for that high of a fee.  If I'm paying several hundred to vend somewhere, I want to make decent money, and not have to worry about my tables being stolen, etc.  But anyway, D and W were at that show.  And today when they all ran into each other, W told her that D was really upset that I wasn't there.  I guess he went expecting to see me.  W goes on to tell Mel how D is so heartbroken over losing me, and how he really misses me a lot.  W told Mel that things were so much nicer when I was part of their lives, etc. 

Ok... stuff like this causes so many conflicting emotions when I hear it.  Because I miss him too and I even miss his husband.  Yes, W and I were just friends.  But we had a good friendship.  W is a really kind hearted person and I could relate to him in a lot of ways, we had similar childhoods, etc.

The whole thing is sad on so many levels.  It's hard to process.  Ive said it before...  neither of us wronged each other.  My Mom called right after I got this message and she could tell I was upset about something.  I told her the short version of the story and she was like, "You need to just forget about that a-hole and move on."  Ok, I appreciate the sentiment.  But it's not that easy to move on when he's not an a-hole. 

I know so many people will just say I need to block everyone associated with him.  But, these are all festival people.  The festival scene is very incestuous.  I mean that figuratively.  I know what the word incest means and that's not what's actually going on.  But the festival scene is full of people who think of each other like family, and it's also full of couples and ex couples.  I just kicked all the toxic people out of my life and I'm really lonely right now.  If I block everyone who knows my ex, I will have practically no one.  The scene is the one place I feel safe and like I belong. 

I joined a discord server for authors in my area.  And I met some cool people there.  But his sister is one of the most active users and she was starting to get way too cozy with me.  I didn't know she was part of it when I joined, and she didn't know who I was.  I'm pretty sure she thought I was a man.  She would ask me out for coffee and stuff.  And all I could think was, "Boy if you knew who you were talking to... You told me to go kill myself a few months ago, remember?"  So I stopped going to that server. 

I just wish things were different...

[Batya33]

I would stop the person from speaking further about D and say nicely but firmly -I don't want to hear about D in any way so I'd appreciate you not mentioning him or anything about him again.  That way you can stay in touch with these people and have healthy boundaries that won't hamper you from continuing to move on.  JMHO.

[Cynder]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I would stop the person from speaking further about D and say nicely but firmly -I don't want to hear about D in any way so I'd appreciate you not mentioning him or anything about him again.  That way you can stay in touch with these people and have healthy boundaries that won't hamper you from continuing to move on.  JMHO.

That's what I'm going to have to do, sadly.  I don't want to be that friend who is like, "No, you can't talk about this to me anymore."  But I need to look out for myself. 

 

[Batya33]

Just now, Cynder said:

That's what I'm going to have to do, sadly.  I don't want to be that friend who is like, "No, you can't talk about this to me anymore."  But I need to look out for myself. 

 

Why not? Friends are supposed to share when a topic is off limits.  Many people don't gossip, for example. I have another friend who has BED and has shared with me what sorts of diet related topics are triggering (nothing I did -she just shared it).  I told at least one friend I wasn't comfortable discussing a particular political topic.  Etc.

[Cynder]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why not? Friends are supposed to share when a topic is off limits.  Many people don't gossip, for example. I have another friend who has BED and has shared with me what sorts of diet related topics are triggering (nothing I did -she just shared it).  I told at least one friend I wasn't comfortable discussing a particular political topic.  Etc.

I think a lot of these people probably want to see us back together, honestly.  So many people told me when I started dating him that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, etc.  People are so into this idea of the festival scene power couple, idk. 

I had one friend who was sending me screenshots of D's facebook posts after we broke up.  I told that person really firmly not to send stuff like that anymore.  It's really interesting that it was easy for me to lay down that boundary but it's not easy for me to say, "I don't want to hear what he said." etc. 

And I will be honest and admit that these things are comforting, on some level.  It's hard to explain.  There's a lot of nuance to it.  But knowing that he misses me just as much as I miss him feels good, even if it also sucks because we are both suffering.  Idk, knowing that I am being missed is better than knowing he just forgot all about me and acted like I never existed. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Cynder said:

I think a lot of these people probably want to see us back together, honestly.  So many people told me when I started dating him that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, etc.  People are so into this idea of the festival scene power couple, idk. 

I had one friend who was sending me screenshots of D's facebook posts after we broke up.  I told that person really firmly not to send stuff like that anymore.  It's really interesting that it was easy for me to lay down that boundary but it's not easy for me to say, "I don't want to hear what he said." etc. 

And I will be honest and admit that these things are comforting, on some level.  It's hard to explain.  There's a lot of nuance to it.  But knowing that he misses me just as much as I miss him feels good, even if it also sucks because we are both suffering.  Idk, knowing that I am being missed is better than knowing he just forgot all about me and acted like I never existed. 

I've had that experience many times The Friends cannot believe it, want you back together, etc.  It's normal.  Hearing the gossip has the benefits you wrote and the downside is it slows down moving on and/or brings it to a dead stop.  You will choose what is important to you.  Also I would take this gossip with a huge grain of salt -it's second hand and clouded by bias/perception and of course since these people want you two together again.