I'm getting nervous about my bf and his new co-worker??

[Lilo57]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years.

BF (26M) Me (28F)

Throughout our years together he has NEVER had a female best friend. In fact, he thinks it's unnecessary because someone always catches feelings.

Fast forward to the present and he started a new job. His first two days this girl trained him and the following days... he would not shut up about her. He found any reason to bring her up. I mean even as stupid as "the sky is blue, blank told me she likes blue.

When I asked why our conversations those two days were all about her, he FLIPPED and gaslight me. Called me crazy??? Tried to gaslight which isn't like him.

That same day I also noticed he started following her insta.

Now keep in mind, me caring about any female friends is not a thing for me. It was his tone. Like new crush excitement when he spoke about her.

I let it go because I can't control other people. He's gonna do what he's gonna do. I'm gonna trust until I can't.

Months later, I'm over it. You know?? I'm suppose to trust him, right??

Well this girl, he acts like he never speaks with her. And only talks to when he has to for work.

Only makes it seem like an unfortunate task to do so.

Today. Saw his insta/text threads and they talk every single day. She vents to him about her guy problems. He listens???

They send each other endless memes???

Talk on the phone???

Normally he'd think that's so stupid. Listening to a random girl vent her about ***boy.

Is this a friendship to lovers thing??

Bc it's funny. that's how him and I started. He listened to me about my ex while we're dating.

But I know, they're just "co-workers."

and asking him or doing anything like that. He’s SO defensive. It makes things worse. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Lilo57 said:

Today. Saw his insta/text threads and they talk every single day. She vents to him about her guy problems. He listens???

Do you live together? How is your relationship overall? He seems to be hiding his crush on her. How did you come across their communication?

[Lilo57]

We don’t live together. Our relationship is okay. We are always actively looking to work on things. This year I was diagnosed with cancer so, things have been hard. And for the first in my life, I went through his phone. And yes I do mean it first time, we’ve never had that be a thing. But he just seems off. I had this feeling. 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Lilo57 said:

We don’t live together. Our relationship is okay. We are always actively looking to work on things. This year I was diagnosed with cancer so, things have been hard. 

Sorry this is happening. Please take care of yourself and your physical and mental health. It's good you don't live together. 

The relationship seems quite stressful and troubling.  What are the arguments and conflicts about? Have you ever broken up or taken "breaks" before? Where is it going? 

Unfortunately he seems quite immature and like a little boy with a crush (or emotional affair) and is hiding it and fibbing. Since you know what is going on you could confront him or just end it'. But try to refrain from cat-and-mouse games or detective work. 

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Why hasn't he proposed?

[Lilo57]

8 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Why hasn't he proposed?

How do you mean? 

[lostandhurt]

Trust your gut.

Your bf is showing all the signs of someone that is doing something they know they shouldn't be or are thinking about doing it.

He has turned his attention away from you and to this other woman and that is what she is, the other woman.  It doesn't matter if they work together or not this is not okay at all.

The worst part is he is lying to you.  If it is all above board why lie?  I am sure he will say because "you get all upset when I talk to her" which is BS.

 I would keep my eyes and ears wide open and my mouth shut and see what you see and hear.  If you accuse him of anything they will just be more careful.

 I am sorry but this does not look good.

 Lost

[Lilo57]

3 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Trust your gut.

Your bf is showing all the signs of someone that is doing something they know they shouldn't be or are thinking about doing it.

He has turned his attention away from you and to this other woman and that is what she is, the other woman.  It doesn't matter if they work together or not this is not okay at all.

The worst part is he is lying to you.  If it is all above board why lie?  I am sure he will say because "you get all upset when I talk to her" which is BS.

 I would keep my eyes and ears wide open and my mouth shut and see what you see and hear.  If you accuse him of anything they will just be more careful.

 I am sorry but this does not look good.

 Lost

I’ve already been doing the keeping my mouth shut thing. I’ve let him talk himself into a hole he didn’t know he was digging. Ever since the one fight, I have been cool as a cucumber whenever she gets brought up. And you are absolutely correct. He will say because I’d get upset. 
 

right now, I am trying to figure out my best course of action to handle this break up. 
 

it’s gonna be ugly. 
 

 

[Sindy_0311]

Looks like he has a crush on her.
but I also wonder why you don’t live together after 5 years of relationship….

The question is not whether he has a crush on her… he might have. The fact that you are doubting it, or not liking the way he mentions her, proves that you don’t feel comfortable in this relationship. Either it’s because he is not affectionate enough towards you, or because the relationship didn’t progress the way it should have after 5 years or because you didn’t establish enough trust and went through issues. I think that the foundations of your relationship seem to weak for you to accept to deal with this… I would address the coworker issue one last time, see what he says. And if his response doesn’t convince you, then I guess you have to beak up with him. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Lilo57 said:

 I’ve let him talk himself into a hole he didn’t know he was digging. 

right now, I am trying to figure out my best course of action to handle this break up. It's  gonna be ugly. 

If you have decided to end things, why is it "going to get ugly"?  If you confront him he'll deny this crush/emotional affair, but you can just leave because of all the other issues without more of his gaslighting and crazy making. 

[Sindy_0311]

You broke up yet? 

[Batya33]

I think his behavior with this coworker is inappropriate and inconsistent with being in a committed relationship.  I'm very sorry you had cancer!!  I hope you are in remission and feeling better. 

I have always had close male friends -in fact I met one for lunch yesterday because he is in town -my husband was invited and couldn't make it. I had no idea if it would be just us (it wasn't- his relative and another male friend of his).  My husband has always had close female friends.  We don't cross those lines.  I think it's silly to give up close friends because of their gender or refrain from making new friends because of gender because there are many ways to keep things appropriate and what a sad world it would be if people didn't pursue meaningful platonic connections (hard enough to make new friends especially as we get older!) just because the person has a partner/spouse.

Also, my husband and I dated for years and lived together officially once we were married -neither of us saw it as a step towards greater emotional commitment.  I don't see that as a point of concern.  Do you two have plans to marry-are you on the same page about that? I think if he cuts off other than work-related contact with her I'd let it go -otherwise - no.

[rainbowsandroses]

8 hours ago, Lilo57 said:

right now, I am trying to figure out my best course of action to handle this break up. 

If it were me, I'd say nothing about the other girl and keep it between you and him.

Don't even bring up any other issues, he will only get defensive, and possibly gaslight you again. 

Simply say "after 5 years, our relationship has run it's course, it's time to part ways.  No hard feelings and wish you the best."

It may seem cold-hearted, but what's the alternative?  Anything else will only create unnecessary drama, 

Clean break, done, wish ya the best.

I'd have no issue even if you wanted to say it in a note!

Yes, he's crushing on this other girl BIG time and if he hasn't cheated yet, it's only a matter of time.

YOU leave, with grace and dignity.  

I'm sorry @Lilo57break ups suck.  I left my marriage recently due his cheating among other things.

We were only married a year, not sure which is worse, one year or five years but in your case, regardless of whether or not he's cheating, sounds like your relationship has simply run its course.

[Kwothe28]

I do agree that he is innapropriate with her. And that it passes the limits of friendship. And that, if he wont make it appropriate and professional with her, that its your best course of action to break up. For the sake of the future relationship. For example, he maybe doesnt have anything to do with her now. But in the future, she maybe becomes available and he may decide to pursue affair despite you being there. So its beter to cut yourself from the whole relationship now. Its a long relationship and its hard. But you are still young and have plenty of time to pursue some other relationship later down the line. Because its way better then to look at somebody who is with you for 5 years and embarks slowly into emotional affair with some coworker. Sorry it happened.

[Lilo57]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

If it were me, I'd say nothing about the other girl and keep it between you and him.

Don't even bring up any other issues, he will only get defensive, and possibly gaslight you again. 

Simply say "after 5 years, our relationship has run it's course, it's time to part ways.  No hard feelings and wish you the best."

It may seem cold-hearted, but what's the alternative?  Anything else will only create unnecessary drama, 

Clean break, done, wish ya the best.

I'd have no issue even if you wanted to say it in a note!

Yes, he's crushing on this other girl BIG time and if he hasn't cheated yet, it's only a matter of time.

YOU leave, with grace and dignity.  

I'm sorry @Lilo57break ups suck.  I left my marriage recently due his cheating among other things.

We were only married a year, not sure which is worse, one year or five years but in your case, regardless of whether or not he's cheating, sounds like your relationship has simply run its course.

@Wiseman2 this is why. Because this is how I will need to handle it. 
 

thank you @rainbowsandroses

[Lilo57]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think his behavior with this coworker is inappropriate and inconsistent with being in a committed relationship.  I'm very sorry you had cancer!!  I hope you are in remission and feeling better. 

I have always had close male friends -in fact I met one for lunch yesterday because he is in town -my husband was invited and couldn't make it. I had no idea if it would be just us (it wasn't- his relative and another male friend of his).  My husband has always had close female friends.  We don't cross those lines.  I think it's silly to give up close friends because of their gender or refrain from making new friends because of gender because there are many ways to keep things appropriate and what a sad world it would be if people didn't pursue meaningful platonic connections (hard enough to make new friends especially as we get older!) just because the person has a partner/spouse.

Also, my husband and I dated for years and lived together officially once we were married -neither of us saw it as a step towards greater emotional commitment.  I don't see that as a point of concern.  Do you two have plans to marry-are you on the same page about that? I think if he cuts off other than work-related contact with her I'd let it go -otherwise - no.

It isn’t the first time he’s done this. Unfortunately over the course of my 5 years with him, it was always subtle and almost slow burning. I guess it was easier to forget since it was never shock and trauma induced. I will be leaving him. I miss my guy friends. And myself. 

[catfeeder]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, especially with health issues. Turning him away might turn out to be a liberating and cleansing thing for you.

Whenever someone snoops, it’s about seeking proof of an already existing suspicion that something is off. Well, living in that state, no matter how well you’ve suppressed it, can’t be good for your body or your mind.

I hope you find peace and I hope you thrive.

[lostandhurt]

This all sounds like the straw that broke the camels back and has been a long time coming.

 Perhaps you should start a new thread on how best to break up with him with the least amount of drama/trauma on you.  Your health is the most important thing and as you know stress can affect your physical health greatly.

 He is being shady as hell so you don't owe him anything so do what is best for you only.

 Perhaps you don't live together for this very reason...

Best wishes

 Lost

[Lilo57]

On 11/18/2023 at 8:20 PM, Lilo57 said:

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years.

BF (26M) Me (28F)

Throughout our years together he has NEVER had a female best friend. In fact, he thinks it's unnecessary because someone always catches feelings.

Fast forward to the present and he started a new job. His first two days this girl trained him and the following days... he would not shut up about her. He found any reason to bring her up. I mean even as stupid as "the sky is blue, blank told me she likes blue.

When I asked why our conversations those two days were all about her, he FLIPPED and gaslight me. Called me crazy??? Tried to gaslight which isn't like him.

That same day I also noticed he started following her insta.

Now keep in mind, me caring about any female friends is not a thing for me. It was his tone. Like new crush excitement when he spoke about her.

I let it go because I can't control other people. He's gonna do what he's gonna do. I'm gonna trust until I can't.

Months later, I'm over it. You know?? I'm suppose to trust him, right??

Well this girl, he acts like he never speaks with her. And only talks to when he has to for work.

Only makes it seem like an unfortunate task to do so.

Today. Saw his insta/text threads and they talk every single day. She vents to him about her guy problems. He listens???

They send each other endless memes???

Talk on the phone???

Normally he'd think that's so stupid. Listening to a random girl vent her about ***boy.

Is this a friendship to lovers thing??

Bc it's funny. that's how him and I started. He listened to me about my ex while we're dating.

But I know, they're just "co-workers."

and asking him or doing anything like that. He’s SO defensive. It makes things worse. 

 

 

UPDATE: I AM NOW SINGLE🤗

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Lilo57 said:

UPDATE: I AM NOW SINGLE🤗

Congratulations. You made the right decision. How did the break-up go? Was it as "ugly" as you feared? 

[catfeeder]

22 minutes ago, Lilo57 said:

UPDATE: I AM NOW SINGLE🤗

Congratulations! I hope you feel liberated. Some grief is natural, so don’t fear that a sad day may take away your strength, it won’t. You’re entitled to work through this transition and learn how to soothe your pain. Please write more if it helps, and my heart goes out to you.