How do I get over it?

[suzyx]

Hi so I need help, I'm actually embarrassed to even be writing this -  I struggle with saying nothing and bottling it all up or revealing every single detail and blowing my life up 🙂 i'm sure everyone is tired of hearing me go on and on and don't want my ex to have to take this everyday - so posting here anonymously - any advice would be great!

Basically I met the man of my dreams, he was everything I've ever wanted and even some things I didn't, which I love - we fell in love pretty much straight away. I struggle to actually like someone never mind love, I have high standards and not easily impressed - but with him, i'd marry him anytime.

Unfortunately, we have some personal issues that we never addressed as individuals and that took a strain on our relationship, I admit a lot of it was me and we found ourselves in a cycle of constantly breaking up over a 2 month period. 

One day I realised "what the hell am I doing", 'I'm going to lose him" so I called and poured my heart out - he said it was too late - about 3 days go by and I phone him saying look we have both done wrong but I get a lot of this is me - i'm not leaving this phone call without getting you back- this is ridiculous - he feels the same but admits he's slept with someone.

Yeah we weren't together, we were arguing everyday - a lot (not all) but a lot cause of me. we are actually dating again and things are going good but I think about that a lot. I get people cope differently and all that etc. he actually ran out of said girls house because he was too upset to carry on but I just keep thinking about it.

I understand all of the above, but its just the "How could he bring himself to do it?" I was struggling to look at other men without crying every time my friends tried to encourage me to move on and try have some fun. 

He tells me all the time that it could've been anyone, he just wanted his mind to shut off from us, that he didn't even find her attractive, that he was sick of the arguing, he couldn't even do it and hence why he left.

But again, how could he? 

And yes, this doesn't sound great of me, but oh well - it isn't her fault - they were single - she doesn't know a thing - but god does it suck that she wasn't good looking -she is a certain kind of girl let's say - and I say to him, really? you couldn't have been more original?  

That's what also hurts, its the kind of person he slept with. my sister said its like the cheeseburger and the steak - steak is unreal, top tier - the cheeseburger looks nothing like the ad, no where near as good as steak but its easy. it's convenient.

but that's just it - sometimes I think- that's the kind of girls the man I love, likes?  

Am I reading to much into this?

Pls no, just get over it! I would really appreciate genuine advice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Starlight925]

You are familiar with "Friends", yes?  "We were on a break!!!"  😅

I remember when I first watched that episode, I was so mad at Ross for doing that to Rachel.  But as I've aged, and the time-worn argument of this show made its way through social media and the world, I realize that it was just that:  a break.  

Move on from it, or lose him forever....as Rachel did.  Remember, she didn't end up with him, nor will you, if you can't let this go.

And similar to your story, the girl Ross slept with was just someone he had met.  She was a girl from a copy shop, a true one-night stand.  You two were technically broken up at the time.  Forget about it, and mend your relationship.

What were all your fights about?  The breakups, the makeups?  That's a strain that few relationships can withstand.

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, suzyx said:

we found ourselves in a cycle of constantly breaking up over a 2 month period.  - he feels the same but admits he's slept with someone., we were arguing everyday - a lot (not all) but a lot cause of me. we are actually dating again 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How old is he? What are all the arguments and breakups about? 

Unfortunately on/off relationships are fraught with chronic unresolved conflicts and incompatibilities combined with an unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities. 

Does he stage arguments and breakups so he can play around?  Being demoted to FWB doesn't seem like "the man of my dreams". Especially if you had to beg him to come back.

Please reflect and reconsider what all the arguing and breakups were about and if you really want this much turbulence and drama in your life. 

[Batya33]

I think he told you so you’d back off. He knew that would be a dealbreaker. I think you’re projecting your own views on sex and what it means on him. He doesn’t feel the same about intercourse so he was able to be sexually attracted to another woman and not be interested in anything serious.  I’m sorry he told you. And I’m sorry you’re hurting. 

[Kwothe28]

44 minutes ago, suzyx said:

But again, how could he? 

 

Easy. She was convinient and he wanted to sleep with her. And that is the moral standard you agreed upon. And how the next time when things are not going that good he can again stage the break up, or just go to somebody else and sleep with them. Because that is who he is. A cheater. Well, in this case technically no, but trust me, that one wouldnt and didnt mind too much that you were there. After all, you wanted to reconcile but he decided to have sex with another woman instead and then reconcile. Somebody with bad moral values will not make somebody with good moral values. Because that is not who they are.

I also find pretty disturbing that you think it sucks that she isnt a good looking woman. Because it really doesnt matter. Its maybe a coping mechanism. For example some people like to say for their partners "if they cheat, at least they should with somebody better then them". But at the end that is all that is. A cope. Like if somebody they cheat would be more attractive it would be more bearable. At the end of the day he found her attractive. Otherwise he wouldnt sleep with her. Try to cope with that fact somehow.

[suzyx]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Easy. She was convinient and he wanted to sleep with her. And that is the moral standard you agreed upon. And how the next time when things are not going that good he can again stage the break up, or just go to somebody else and sleep with them. Because that is who he is. A cheater. Well, in this case technically no, but trust me, that one wouldnt and didnt mind too much that you were there. After all, you wanted to reconcile but he decided to have sex with another woman instead and then reconcile. Somebody with bad moral values will not make somebody with good moral values. Because that is not who they are.

I also find pretty disturbing that you think it sucks that she isnt a good looking woman. Because it really doesnt matter. Its maybe a coping mechanism. For example some people like to say for their partners "if they cheat, at least they should with somebody better then them". But at the end that is all that is. A cope. Like if somebody they cheat would be more attractive it would be more bearable. At the end of the day he found her attractive. Otherwise he wouldnt sleep with her. Try to cope with that fact somehow.

Tbh she wasn’t sorry! If she was I’d happily say - he said himself she wasn’t and it could’ve been anyone - he’s told me before he’s slept with people when he was single that he didn’t find attractive as a coping mechanism so I do believe he didn’t find her attractive 

[suzyx]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think he told you so you’d back off. He knew that would be a dealbreaker. I think you’re projecting your own views on sex and what it means on him. He doesn’t feel the same about intercourse so he was able to be sexually attracted to another woman and not be interested in anything serious.  I’m sorry he told you. And I’m sorry you’re hurting. 

Sorry i don’t think this is the case - I haven’t included the full story cause it would take forever but the 2 months of constant breakups involved mainly him fighting for me / begging me to come back   
the two times mentioned are the first 2 times I did throughout it all - that’s why I was so shocked when he told me - he’s also been the one begging for me since ☹️

 

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think he told you so you’d back off. He knew that would be a dealbreaker. I think you’re projecting your own views on sex and what it means on him. He doesn’t feel the same about intercourse so he was able to be sexually attracted to another woman and not be interested in anything serious.  I’m sorry he told you. And I’m sorry you’re hurting. 

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How old is he? What are all the arguments and breakups about? 

Unfortunately on/off relationships are fraught with chronic unresolved conflicts and incompatibilities combined with an unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities. 

Does he stage arguments and breakups so he can play around?  Being demoted to FWB doesn't seem like "the man of my dreams". Especially if you had to beg him to come back.

Please reflect and reconsider what all the arguing and breakups were about and if you really want this much turbulence and drama in your life. 

2 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

You are familiar with "Friends", yes?  "We were on a break!!!"  😅

I remember when I first watched that episode, I was so mad at Ross for doing that to Rachel.  But as I've aged, and the time-worn argument of this show made its way through social media and the world, I realize that it was just that:  a break.  

Move on from it, or lose him forever....as Rachel did.  Remember, she didn't end up with him, nor will you, if you can't let this go.

And similar to your story, the girl Ross slept with was just someone he had met.  She was a girl from a copy shop, a true one-night stand.  You two were technically broken up at the time.  Forget about it, and mend your relationship.

What were all your fights about?  The breakups, the makeups?  That's a strain that few relationships can withstand.

I find it hard as I never thought he’s do it , I didn’t think he was that kind of man - we both have mental health issues just recently diagnosed and bad exes - we are mid to late 20s

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think he told you so you’d back off. He knew that would be a dealbreaker. I think you’re projecting your own views on sex and what it means on him. He doesn’t feel the same about intercourse so he was able to be sexually attracted to another woman and not be interested in anything serious.  I’m sorry he told you. And I’m sorry you’re hurting. 

 

[suzyx]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How old is he? What are all the arguments and breakups about? 

Unfortunately on/off relationships are fraught with chronic unresolved conflicts and incompatibilities combined with an unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities. 

Does he stage arguments and breakups so he can play around?  Being demoted to FWB doesn't seem like "the man of my dreams". Especially if you had to beg him to come back.

Please reflect and reconsider what all the arguing and breakups were about and if you really want this much turbulence and drama in your life. 

Also, I was the one doing all the breakups! But it was just me in a bad headspace because of mental health that’s why I poured my heart out cus I knew he deserved a big gesture + we had been speaking everyday - he slept with her the night I begged for him back 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, suzyx said:

I haven’t included the full story cause it would take forever but the 2 months of constant breakups involved mainly him fighting for me / begging me to come back   

If it would take forever -that's your answer.  Add to that mental health issues that one or both of you might not be adequately dealing with -just not a good match.  It doesn't matter who is begging -constant begging means -typically -bad match.

[MissCanuck]

This relationship is too far off the rails to recover, Suzy. There's been way too much damage done.

Take some time on your own. Sort out your mental health. Then try dating again. You aren't ready right now. 

[SooSad33]

20 hours ago, suzyx said:

Yeah we weren't together, we were arguing everyday - a lot (not all) but a lot cause of me. we are actually dating again and things are going good but I think about that a lot. I get people cope differently and all that etc. he actually ran out of said girls house because he was too upset to carry on but I just keep thinking about it.

I understand all of the above, but its just the "How could he bring himself to do it?"

But, he didn't do it.  he ran out of there...

FACT still remains... What's going on with YOU? 😕 

You two argue too much and end up breaking up -- Why?

This is NOT a solution at all.  what's going on? ( besides the fact you're now drilling him over why he chose her 😕 ) . Hey, they're gonna do what they choose to 'deal with it'.  Accept it or else..

 

[suzyx]

3 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

But, he didn't do it.  he ran out of there...

FACT still remains... What's going on with YOU? 😕 

You two argue too much and end up breaking up -- Why?

This is NOT a solution at all.  what's going on? ( besides the fact you're now drilling him over why he chose her 😕 ) . Hey, they're gonna do what they choose to 'deal with it'.  Accept it or else..

 

thanks basically im going though an adhd diagnosis at the age of 25 - I can hyperfixate and dramatise things internally - he's been through a lot - honestly I couldn't tell you what majority of the argument about -  just normal ones that have blew up - im realising look - he didn't like her - but he was heartbroken and single and did something stupid to try heal - hey I've done crazy things out of being upset that had no meaning - we just don't wanna lose each other - any advice? x

[SooSad33]

2 minutes ago, suzyx said:

thanks basically im going though an adhd diagnosis at the age of 25 - I can hyperfixate and dramatise things internally - he's been through a lot - honestly I couldn't tell you what majority of the argument about -  just normal ones that have blew up - im realising look - he didn't like her - but he was heartbroken and single and did something stupid to try heal - hey I've done crazy things out of being upset that had no meaning - we just don't wanna lose each other -

How long have you two been involved? ( before this BU).

Sounds like YOU have some work cut out for you.  You need to try & cope better.  Handle the situations better. ( I often journal - book or on my PC (wordpad).  There I write all I want to say to an ex etc.).  Maybe you can try this as well?  Sometimes, we just need to 'work through things', and not drag down our partner in the process, as it's NOT their problem.

Also, are you able to 'vent' to a family member or friends? Instead of the bf? 

Basically you need to find better approaches to YOUR problems.  Not be blowing everything out of proportions, or this WILL drive him away, for good.  And on it goes, onto another relationship, until you can control yourself better.

Maybe even consider some therapy.  never hurts and I've been there a number of times thru the years.

[suzyx]

2 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

How long have you two been involved? ( before this BU).

Sounds like YOU have some work cut out for you.  You need to try & cope better.  Handle the situations better. ( I often journal - book or on my PC (wordpad).  There I write all I want to say to an ex etc.).  Maybe you can try this as well?  Sometimes, we just need to 'work through things', and not drag down our partner in the process, as it's NOT their problem.

Also, are you able to 'vent' to a family member or friends? Instead of the bf? 

Basically you need to find better approaches to YOUR problems.  Not be blowing everything out of proportions, or this WILL drive him away, for good.  And on it goes, onto another relationship, until you can control yourself better.

Maybe even consider some therapy.  never hurts and I've been there a number of times thru the years.

thank you for the genuine advice - some have been quite judgemental - I think that's why I wrote on here -to vent in other ways - I want him to work on his stuff too - sometimes when he has a slip up on him working through things it sets me off and I set him off - he is doing a lot to work though and I could do better its just when im trying and he does something it makes me feel like all my work was for nothing Instead of thinking - it was just a mistake or miscommunication rather than thinking the world is ending

[SooSad33]

2 minutes ago, suzyx said:

thank you for the genuine advice - some have been quite judgemental - I think that's why I wrote on here -to vent in other ways - I want him to work on his stuff too - sometimes when he has a slip up on him working through things it sets me off and I set him off - he is doing a lot to work though and I could do better its just when im trying and he does something it makes me feel like all my work was for nothing Instead of thinking - it was just a mistake or miscommunication rather than thinking the world is ending

Guys can be challenging when it comes to communication and lack of 'emotion' can play a part as well.

Maybe some mutual respect & communication needs to be worked on between the both of you?

I suggest you look up the book 'Men are from Mars, Women from Venus'.  It explains a lot about men.. lol 

[suzyx]

5 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Guys can be challenging when it comes to communication and lack of 'emotion' can play a part as well.

Maybe some mutual respect & communication needs to be worked on between the both of you?

I suggest you look up the book 'Men are from Mars, Women from Venus'.  It explains a lot about men.. lol 

yeah he definitely struggles with that - the thing is we are mad for one another - we were planning on moving in soon (he's also told me that he was also planning on proposing next summer) then a few months ago I was completely burnt out which started all this - I can't be mad that has reacted - it's just how he's reacted if you get me - I think we have just met at a time when we are both struggling - it's hard to think where we were you know - moving in getting engaged - to where we are now - we are dating again but its hard -still in love but hard

[SooSad33]

Yeah, I get it 😕 .  The struggles.. BUT, believe! 😉 

If it's meant to be, it'll be.  Like I said, maybe you two need to work on yourselves more to make this relationship work.

Learn how to be respectful & appreciate each other.  Don't over bear him or make him feel guilt etc all of the time. 

How does he 'react'? 

[suzyx]

1 minute ago, SooSad33 said:

Yeah, I get it 😕 .  The struggles.. BUT, believe! 😉 

If it's meant to be, it'll be.  Like I said, maybe you two need to work on yourselves more to make this relationship work.

Learn how to be respectful & appreciate each other.  Don't over bear him or make him feel guilt etc all of the time. 

How does he 'react'? 

ah thank you for the kind words- so refreshing!

 by react I mean the girl  or again he shuts off 

[SooSad33]

Just now, suzyx said:

by react I mean the girl  or again he shuts off 

Ohh, I see.

Yeah, well.... 1) you two were not 'together' at the time.. and he never went thru with it. ( something YOU need to work on accepting.. or not).

Him shutting down on you, could be his way of coping or 'needing to think on his own' ( hence man cave time) 😉 .  - As mentioned in Men are from Mars book.

But, I get it, it doesn't help things and you get frustrated?  This is when you NEED to learn to control your own self and give him that needed space!  Do not pressure him too much.. If he need a day or two, fine, give it to him.

I think you do have some work ahead of you but if you two do care enough for each other, you can make it work.  And yes, will take some work.

Consider the therapy to help you work through your issues and look into that book. 

[suzyx]

2 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Ohh, I see.

Yeah, well.... 1) you two were not 'together' at the time.. and he never went thru with it. ( something YOU need to work on accepting.. or not).

Him shutting down on you, could be his way of coping or 'needing to think on his own' ( hence man cave time) 😉 .  - As mentioned in Men are from Mars book.

But, I get it, it doesn't help things and you get frustrated?  This is when you NEED to learn to control your own self and give him that needed space!  Do not pressure him too much.. If he need a day or two, fine, give it to him.

I think you do have some work ahead of you but if you two do care enough for each other, you can make it work.  And yes, will take some work.

Consider the therapy to help you work through your issues and look into that book. 

thank you so much - yeah I think ultimately be in control of ourselves and b e happier together rather than making the person responsible for your own happiness - THANK YOU! XX