MIL Made Extremely Rude Comment

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

Im a little mystified why this is upsetting for you.  You weren't even there to hear whatever she said about "spending it on the wedding," is it possible you and/or your fiance might have misreported? 

Agree. Your fiance seems to be poisoning things. Yes, why exactly did your fiance state that "it's only for him"? His mother gives him a check toward your wedding and you're angry? I'm sorry but the problem is your fiance and this woman had been placed in the can't do anything right basket. 

You should have a heart to heart talk with your fiance, not his mother, since he's the one saying "it's just for him". He's just punting so you're angry at her instead of him. 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

And if a man isn't ready to defend his wife when she is being excluded from his family or not treated correctly or her feelings are hurt then that is a man who is still too attached to his mother and doesn't know what it means to be married. This isn't my husband at all.

You mean your fiancé, he's not your husband yet.

Anyway, yes it IS your fiancé, it's very much your fiancé.  I mean first he tells you it's an engagement dinner to celebrate your engagement as a couple, only for you to discover once there it was supposed to be a dinner, by himself, with his mom.  And you running off in tears.

NOW he tells you his mom gave him $500 strictly for his use only; what kind of man tells his fiancé something like that?  I mean really???  

In any event, NONE of this would be happening had your fiancé correctly and effectively communicated with you about the dinner and kept to HIMSELF his mom giving him the $500 for HIS use only.

Assuming it's even true which I have my doubts about.  What makes more sense is his mom gave him $500 towards his/your future and he's telling you stories.  Why?  I have no idea but it would behoove you to find out.  From HIM, not your FMIL.

I am shocked he told you this and also gave you incorrect information about the dinner.  At first I thought the dinner miscommunication was unintentional but now with this, I am not so sure.

YES there is definitely something fishy going on but it has nothing to do with your FMIL.

 

 

[woodsrose10]

On 11/12/2023 at 8:01 AM, Batya33 said:

Maybe then she was just joking and maybe she was bouncing off your negative vibe during the rest of the dinner. 

I agree with this. You said she frowned, looked right at her son and “oh i was only expecting you” for an engagement dinner? She was 100% totally being sarcastic. 

However I can also 100% understand that it made you feel awkward. Nobody likes teasing. She may have been joking, but I also agree it was wrong/dumb. (Maybe your fiancé can spread the word that sarcasm/jokes are not needed and will not tolerated anymore.)

[Jaunty]

To me it's just incomprehensible why you begrudge anything between this mother and her son that does not expressly include you.

Why on earth should he not have some money for wedding related things that are just for him?   Or anything else he wants to spend it on, which of course would include you if he so desired?

You seem astronomically self absorbed, and also simply determined to have a terrible relationship with your boyfriend's mother and by extention, with him. Because obviously they are close.  Your efforts to decimate their relationship might end up succeeding but it will negatively influence his feelings for you  Guaranteed.  

[Seraphim]

Why does his mom owe you pocket money? 

[woodsrose10]

Isn’t his mom giving him a $500 check as an engagement present and saying “Only spend this on yourself, not with you fiancé” is like giving twin babies a double crib but telling their mother “Only use it for one”?

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

but now she is giving my fiance huge checks and leaving me out and saying it's for the wedding which hello does involve BOTH of us.  

Now I'm confused.  Earlier in this same post you said this:

3 hours ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

She recently gave my fiance a $500 check and told him just to spend it on stuff for the wedding that is strictly for himself.

So which is it?  Did she give him the check for the wedding which yes does involve BOTH of you which goes without saying ...

OR

Did she give him the check "strictly for himself"?

And again, if it's the latter, why on earth would he tell you this? Assuming it's true which I doubt. 

And you think your FMIL has the problem?

I would advise you to wake up and smell the coffee otherwise you're gonna end up being a very unhappy woman living with/married to this man/child who obviously enjoys stirring the pot and causing drama.

At least for you.  Me?  I would never get involved with a "man" like this in the first place, let alone marry him

Anyhoo, I realize this post probably doesn't make much sense either because I am thoroughly confused and at this point agree with what @Jaunty posted. 

[spinstermanquee]

3 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

Isn’t his mom giving him a $500 check as an engagement present and saying “Only spend this on yourself, not with you fiancé” is like giving twin babies a double crib but telling their mother “Only use it for one”?

No because any normal sane person who loves the mother/parent/child/family/fiancee wouldn't specify something like that.  You give the money, carte blanche, because you know they will do the right thing.  Take care of their family.  Past, present, and future.  Kind of adult-like...

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

 I always had it modeled growing up watching my dad's mom treat my mom like one of the family and never leaving my mom off of checks or excluding her 

Have your parents made out a check to him? Why do you expect his mother to make out a check to you? If your fiance doesn't want to share the money, he's the problem. 

[Capricorn3]

Quite frankly, his mother has every right to give her son a check for whatever reason.  And no, she doesn't need to add your name to the check.

[niceknowingyou45]

Just now, Capricorn3 said:

Quite frankly, his mother has every right to give her son a check for whatever reason.  And no, she doesn't need to add your name to the check.

Right but to tell him not to spend it on me that's out of line.

[niceknowingyou45]

1 minute ago, Capricorn3 said:

Quite frankly, his mother has every right to give her son a check for whatever reason.  And no, she doesn't need to add your name to the check.

And even after we are married? Why is she still treating her son like a child instead of part of a unit? Instead of seeing him as just her son seeing him as a unit with him and his wife because that his relationship with his wife is his primary relationship.

[Capricorn3]

1 minute ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

Right but to tell him not to spend it on me that's out of line.

Did she actually say those words??  ..... "by the way, make sure you don't spend it on Jane (whatever name)".   Really?

[Capricorn3]

1 minute ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

And even after we are married? Why is she still treating her son like a child instead of part of a unit? Instead of seeing him as just her son seeing him as a unit with him and his wife because that his relationship with his wife is his primary relationship.

I can't quite figure out if you're being for real here.  Just because parents have a married son/daughter, doesn't have to mean that they always have to see them as a unit.  Goodness me.  The son IS still her child and she has every right to see him without you (if she chooses), or give him money etc etc.   I have given my daughter and my son plenty of money, for whatever reason, and didn't give the same amount to their partners.

[niceknowingyou45]

5 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

I can't quite figure out if you're being for real here.  Just because parents have a married son/daughter, doesn't have to mean that they always have to see them as a unit.  Goodness me.  The son IS still her child and she has every right to see him without you (if she chooses), or give him money etc etc.   I have given my daughter and my son plenty of money, for whatever reason, and didn't give the same amount to their partners.

Ok but also if a mother is excluding his wife naturally her son isn't going to want to spend as much time with someone who excludes his wife because naturally he is going to support and back up his wife.

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

 if a mother is excluding his wife naturally her son isn't going to want to spend as much time with someone who excludes his wife because naturally he is going to support and back up his wife.

Your fiance is the problem.  How many checks are your parents writing out to your fiance? 

[Capricorn3]

All I can say is that it's incredibly sad, that through your actions, you are heading towards losing your fiance, and what could have been gaining another lovely family.  The writing seems to be on the wall - you're going to shoot yourself in the foot with this obsession about your FMIL having to include you in everything.

OP, with all due respect, it is clear that you are hellbent on making your FMIL sound like an awful person and no matter what anyone says, nothing will change your mind.  That is clear. You have made up your mind and now we are all at the stage of beating a dead horse - meaning, this is going nowhere.  One almost gets the impression that you are deliberately misunderstanding everything she does, or says, and everything that members are trying to convey.

Not sure what help you can get anymore, people have tried really hard. I'm out.

[MissCanuck]

Save that money for the divorce lawyer you'll need in about 5 years instead. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

Right but to tell him not to spend it on me that's out of line.

Is it possible she was ok with you two living together but now that you're engaged, she's worried about him?  Perhaps she was hoping it wasn't serious? 

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

Before our wedding my father gave me a check.  I just threw it in the "pot o money" to cover expenses.  Throughout our early stages of marriage/career, my father would give me "lucky money" envelopes.  My husband never felt excluded because my dad gave me money, why would he?  At the end of the day it benefits us both.

Thanks for this. I edit my thoughts above and think it's fine that she gave him the check. And like LootieTootie wrote don't take it personally, regardless.

I also think it's fine to give money to one spouse and specify especially if otherwise that spouse wouldn't spend it on themselves (and anyway isn't it for the wedding -for both of you -or for his wedding clothes etc which benefits both of you?)

My little example goes the other way.  My late MIL and I were both avid readers and back then I was still buying books (now I make myself do all  library!).  For one of my birthdays she gave me a $100 check and specified "this is to buy your beloved books."  She clearly didn't want me to do that wifely thing or mommy thing and be all "oh I should spend it on something for our son" (she also knew all I really wanted was books - she wasn't being controlling she knew me!).  No my husband didn't want me to spend it on him or the family. 

I get that this was my specific day but it's part of the general idea that money given to a spouse is not always for the couple -and it's his wedding too, his day too -maybe he wants something treat-like for himself given the typical focus is on the bride.  

I realized why this anecdote came to mind. My late MIL totally babied my husband -he moved out later in his 20s - she was overprotective, only child etc.  It could be really really annoying! But if I'd been so much in my own head like you are and stuck on this whole silly ranking/competition nonsense you are stuck in I'd have so missed out on getting to know and being so close to and loving such an awesome woman. 

I wouldn't have known about her single life living among well known colorful characters from the 1950s-60s, wouldn't have known her stories about being a new mom, her cancer that delayed her trying to have a baby in the first place. 

All those stories people who trust you share with you -people who click with you and if you taint that with this nonsense they most likely clam up.  She sat by me for probably 2 hours as I came off my c-section epidural and knew how to be with me - how to talk to me, how to help me with my new baby.

Do you think if I'd spread all that negativity she'd have wanted to be with me at that vulnerable moment -yes she wanted to be close by her new and only grandson but I remember her speaking to me in her quiet and calm way.  She followed me into a ladies room at a restaurant once -and she couldn't walk well - because her only son had been rude to me and she wanted to help me. 

And she didn't pull rank or even take sides -she told me she was so sorry I was upset, she understood my rock and a hard place dilemma, and she simply let me calm down. 

Do you think she'd have gotten up from the table to help me if I'd behaved  as you did?  I would have missed out on a very special relationship. 

She died 10 years ago and I knew her well for about 10 years total - 5 of those married and she welcomed me back in the family even after our first cancelled wedding 11 years before our actual wedding. 

It means my husband can share stories from his childhood with our son, and later stories - without fear of my getting all sulky.  Your attitude will permeate and stink all that up. Don't do it.  I wish she was still here.

[niceknowingyou45]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your fiance is the problem.  How many checks are your parents writing out to your fiance? 

My parents recently wrote a check and presented it in front of BOTH of us and said it's for both of us to use towards the wedding.  It wasn't done in a behind my back and told don't use it for my soon to be husband.  Huge difference.  But then again everyone is right that this lies more on my fiance and I would take it even a step further that my fiance should be standing up for me more and not accepting money with strings attached when he is told specifically not to spend it on me.

[niceknowingyou45]

12 hours ago, Jaunty said:

To me it's just incomprehensible why you begrudge anything between this mother and her son that does not expressly include you.

Why on earth should he not have some money for wedding related things that are just for him?   Or anything else he wants to spend it on, which of course would include you if he so desired?

You seem astronomically self absorbed, and also simply determined to have a terrible relationship with your boyfriend's mother and by extention, with him. Because obviously they are close.  Your efforts to decimate their relationship might end up succeeding but it will negatively influence his feelings for you  Guaranteed.  

Like other PPs have stated this is more on my fiance for not including me more and I guess I thought as we entered the next stage of our relationship that he wouldn't shut me out so much in his relationship with his mother and kind of grow closer to me and not continue to be so attached to his mother.  

It's sad that I had to literally spell out to him that it's weird to have your mother tracking you like a child when you are nearly 30 and about to be married at that and that she still has open access to his finances.  Yes he saw it but most men who are ready to put their wife first wouldn't need this spelled out for them.

We have an appt with a pre marriage counselor on Tuesday.

[niceknowingyou45]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree also that his mom had every right to give her son a check to do with as he pleases.  His future, their future, the wedding, whatever.

The issue IMO is how he went about sharing this information with the OP.

Specifically, this.

Assuming his mom did in fact use those words or similar (i.e "she told me to ONLY spend the money on myself") which frankly I have my doubts about, why would he repeat these words to the OP?

I find that to be incredibly insensitive and just plain hurtful.  I cannot imagine any mature man who cared about the woman he was going to marry repeating those words.   Again, assuming his mom did in fact use those words when giving him the check.

All he needed to say was "my mom gave me a chrck today" period.

And left out the part "she said it's strictly for me."

What the hell, maybe it's me but agree with @Wiseman2, the problem is with the fiancé, the OP, NOT the FMIL.

 

 

His future though is where it lies the problem we are starting a future together and if my fiance is viewing it as he is still a single man then that's problematic.  That all being said I think it's odd that his mother wouldn't want to make any effort to start off the relationship with her to be DIL on the right food and not exclusionary.

Usually as the relationship goes to the next step the in laws to be start including the fiance/wife more not less.  They get integrated into the family more.

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

Right but to tell him not to spend it on me that's out of line.

Was fiancé wearing a wire? If not, I’d look fiancé in the eye and ask him what kind of reaction he intended to provoke by telling me this.

Knowing what he knows about your feelings about his mother recently (and based on his reporting), that was either a bonehead move, or he’s deliberately manipulating you into feeling lousy.

You can blame FMIL all you want, but your fiancé is the one who is feeding you this stuff. He’s either not too bright, or he’s setting you up.

[niceknowingyou45]

I did point blank ask my fiance if even after the marriage he plans on hoarding money away just for himself that his mom gives or if he will stand up for us and include me in it?  I did tell him I expect him the next time his mom makes exclusionary comments to him to not accept large money items with strings attached.