MIL Made Extremely Rude Comment

[Seraphim]

Wow, his mom is super over the top . I am not on my son’s account and I don’t tell him when to sleep etc and he is disabled . True he lives at home but I am not up in his grill . 

[Tinydance]

To be honest, I do agree that your fiance has also contributed to this co-dependent dynamic with his mother. Personally there's no way that I would have allowed my Mum to track me on an app or have a shared bank account when I was an adult. I'm pretty sure I've always had my own bank account since I was eighteen years old. So in that sense I think your fiance wasn't setting those boundaries himself and he was obviously OK with it at least to certain extent. I guess he was either fine with it or was just trying to please his Mum and do what she wanted.

What I think is really good is that your fiance actually started to draw some boundaries.  He's showing her that he's an adult with his own life and wants to be independent. I think unfortunately a lot of mothers seem to be quite clingy. That includes my own mother too but comparing her to some of my partners' Mum's, I realised she actually wasn't that bad lol 

I totally agree with you that it's weird that some families have this dynamic. I have a friend who is 39 and he has never lived out of home. His Dad died of cancer ten years ago and the mother seems really overly attached to her children. She really doesn't want any of her kids to move out. Three of her children still live at home who are 39, 30 and late 20's. All of them track each other on that app that you mentioned.

My friend got a serious partner and they've been together nearly two years. Her lease ran out and he told his mother they'd start looking for a place for the two of them. The mother said that his partner could just live with the whole family at her house. The partner agreed to move in but I think she was thinking more as a temporary thing. Now it's been a few months and the mother is saying she doesn't want his partner to move out and wants them all to just continue living together. The mother seems terrified that her son might actually finally move out at 39 years old! Also my friend hangs out with his Mum a lot and he often asks if she could join us when we catch up. The other weird thing is he asked me if I was interested in tracking each other on that location app 😵

Anyway, I guess I was telling you that story to show that some families do gave those weird co-dependent dynamics. I think it's hard as an outsider to come in and change it in an instant. Your partner's mother is very used to this co-dependency and obviously she feels threatened and scared of change. She might start warming up to the fact her son is becoming independent now. But it can be a slow process because she was used to things being a certain way for a very long time. 

I'm not sure of course but the mother might not necessarily have something against you personally. She probably feels very attached to her son and sees it as you truing to take him away from her. It could have easily been any other woman your son got engaged to and she wouldn't like it either. She's telling herself that she sees red flags in your relationship but really it's her own insecurities.

I think unfortunately there isn't that much you can do except all your fiance to keep setting boundaries and be more firm. As much as it sucks but his Mum will always be a part of his life. I think the best thing to do is probably just to be polite and give her some time to process everything. I'm not defending her behaviour but the problem is she's going to be in your life. So the best course of action is probably just to act cordial and keep your distance whenever you can. Let your fiance sort this out with her himself because he's her son.

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

...his mom has always shown me kindness and respect and I thought she supported our relationship ...

...but I can't even stand to see her face after the horrible things she said basically implying I am some controlling *** ...

Eww. For your own sake, I'd consider very carefully how you want to internalize this. You are framing the tone of your relationship with your partner's mother. This is not a temporary deal.

I hope you won't set yourself up for a more difficult future to manage than you could otherwise choose by letting yourself cool down and gain some objectivity. You love your partner. You want harmony between the two of you. So consider WHY villainizing his mother can bring about the opposite of that, and why it would be the first choice you'd jump to. Question where the word 'controlling' actually came from. If you are assuming it, consider why would you want to do that.

Consider how you might be more gentle about letting this woman decathect from her son. She's obviously troubled, but I read nothing about her 'blaming' you for that. She questioned her son about why he felt the need to do this. That sounds like grief to me, not blame.

Some people find compassion easy to grasp when they aren't being defensive.

Wishing you lots of luck and love in your marriage, and hopefully with your extended family.

[MissCanuck]

What kind of grown man allows his Mommy this much control over his life to begin with?

Yes, he's making changes now, but he is absolutely part of the problem. To ignore that is to set yourself up for even bigger misunderstandings and conflict later on. 

[niceknowingyou45]

5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Eww. For your own sake, I'd consider very carefully how you want to internalize this. You are framing the tone of your relationship with your partner's mother. This is not a temporary deal.

I hope you won't set yourself up for a more difficult future to manage than you could otherwise choose by letting yourself cool down and gain some objectivity. You love your partner. You want harmony between the two of you. So consider WHY villainizing his mother can bring about the opposite of that, and why it would be the first choice you'd jump to. Question where the word 'controlling' actually came from. If you are assuming it, consider why would you want to do that.

Consider how you might be more gentle about letting this woman decathect from her son. She's obviously troubled, but I read nothing about her 'blaming' you for that. She questioned her son about why he felt the need to do this. That sounds like grief to me, not blame.

Some people find compassion easy to grasp when they aren't being defensive.

Wishing you lots of luck and love in your marriage, and hopefully with your extended family.

Eww for being raw with my feelings? This is an anonymous forum.  Where you are supposed to be able to be 100 open with your feelings.  That's the purpose of this forum so you have an outlet.  I would never ever say it like that to my fiance.    His mother made an "eww" statement about me as well by name calling me and calling me "controlling." Her SON came to the dinner alone, her SON set the boundaries with her.  Her SON said mom this is what needs to happen.  I wasn't even there but yet she twists the narrative and defelcts by calling me controlling.  If I was that controlling I would have insisted on being at the dinner (I would never do that I am just making a point)  So I am supposed to give her grace and understanding but she can bad mouth me behind my back to my own fiance and I am supposed to just smiley politely and take it? I mean wouldn't you be defensive if someone you thought cared for you and has always shown kindness towards you suddenly flipped like a switch and you found out they really think the opposite of what they always said?  And name called you.  Imagine if I name called his mother to my fiance I bet you would be singing a different tune.  It would be well that's his mother how dare you.  Ok well I am his fiance how dare she.  It cuts both ways.

Truth be told I gave her plenty of time to detach.  Her son is almost 30 years old and has been out of the house for years for crying out loud!! We have been together a long time too!! Wayyy long enough for her to acknowledge that her son has a committed partner and will most likely marry said partner.  Your argument would make sense if he was 18 years old leaving for college for the first time or he moved in with me after a few months of dating.  Or even if he was in his early 20s moving out of the family home for the first time.

I know I am really upset but again these forums are for letting that out instead of coming to my fiance and saying all of these things about his mother.  I don't really plan on never seeing her again or being rude to her but rather taking a little break myself from her which for my own sanity and boundaries I am entitled to do.

I also feel she owes me a huge apology for the original statement she said to me and the name calling behind my back. 

 

[Seraphim]

The thing is you probably aren’t going to get that apology. I can tell you I spent 30 years being mortally offended and it changed NOTHING. My in-laws did things their merry old way whether offensive or not. 
 

So you can tie yourself in knots and be unhappy or you can let your fiancé handle it and be happy with him . You don’t have to be best buddies with in-laws and people mostly aren’t . That is just life . Enjoy your life with him it is very short. 

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

and has always shown kindness towards you suddenly flipped like a switch and you found out they really think the opposite of what they always said? 

No not really -she tracks him. She tracks her baby.  I got a call from a teacher once who smiled and said my son stayed right by her all during recess and made sure he was close to her the whole time.  Because he was 3.5 years old and it was his first day ever of real school and I shadowed him closely at public playgrounds so he picked the next best thing to Mommy to be helicoptered and tracked LOL.  Then when he was 8 we were visiting NYC and he went down the tallest slide in that city replete with rocks - other parents accompanied their kids but I didn't have enough balance to do so so I Let Him Go.  12 times he went.  I forced myself because it was my job as a Mom. 

She hasn't let him go.  She didn't flip -you did - you flipped on a ring and made it official in her eyes.  It is in her face now that she can't helicopter anymore - she didn't let him go -yet- so it's a shock to her.  It would have been far less of a shock -and not a shock that would have triggered her to make that really rude choice -had she let him go in the myriad of other ways in all the age appropriate ways while he was growing up. 

I assume she never did. Or something changed -some trauma - that made her double down on this tracking/overprotective garbage.  

[Seraphim]

I agree she is grieving having to let her son go. Even when children are adults this is very hard. I have an adult child. You never stop being a mother , ever , until they stuff you in the box and bury you. 
 

You are like 2 years older than my son. I can see both sides and had very difficult in-laws for a very long time . 

[itsallgrand]

8 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

What kind of grown man allows his Mommy this much control over his life to begin with?

Yes, he's making changes now, but he is absolutely part of the problem. To ignore that is to set yourself up for even bigger misunderstandings and conflict later on. 

This is the crux of it. 

Dynamics like this don't change overnight or because there is an engagement. 

It is going to take sustained effort on your fiances part and it will take time.

I do disagree with you about needing to know the private convos he has with his mom. That's just asking for trouble imo. They have a lot to hash out and its not really about you. It's about his mom's anxieties and how he has related to them.

 

 

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

Eww for being raw with my feelings? This is an anonymous forum.  Where you are supposed to be able to be 100 open with your feelings.  That's the purpose of this forum so you have an outlet.  I would never ever say it like that to my fiance.    His mother made an "eww" statement about me as well by name calling me and calling me "controlling." Her SON came to the dinner alone, her SON set the boundaries with her.  Her SON said mom this is what needs to happen.  I wasn't even there but yet she twists the narrative and defelcts by calling me controlling.  If I was that controlling I would have insisted on being at the dinner (I would never do that I am just making a point)  So I am supposed to give her grace and understanding but she can bad mouth me behind my back to my own fiance and I am supposed to just smiley politely and take it? I mean wouldn't you be defensive if someone you thought cared for you and has always shown kindness towards you suddenly flipped like a switch and you found out they really think the opposite of what they always said?  And name called you.  Imagine if I name called his mother to my fiance I bet you would be singing a different tune.  It would be well that's his mother how dare you.  Ok well I am his fiance how dare she.  It cuts both ways.

Truth be told I gave her plenty of time to detach.  Her son is almost 30 years old and has been out of the house for years for crying out loud!! We have been together a long time too!! Wayyy long enough for her to acknowledge that her son has a committed partner and will most likely marry said partner.  Your argument would make sense if he was 18 years old leaving for college for the first time or he moved in with me after a few months of dating.  Or even if he was in his early 20s moving out of the family home for the first time.

I know I am really upset but again these forums are for letting that out instead of coming to my fiance and saying all of these things about his mother.  I don't really plan on never seeing her again or being rude to her but rather taking a little break myself from her which for my own sanity and boundaries I am entitled to do.

I also feel she owes me a huge apology for the original statement she said to me and the name calling behind my back. 

 

Nobody here is calling you ‘wrong,’ and there’s no need to defend. I’m suggesting something that I find helpful myself. I reach for the most beneficial lens through which I can reframe my own inner narrative. It’s a way of steering myself toward healing rather than talking myself into a deeper emotional hole to climb out of.

I’d find it far easier to get along with the idea of a weak woman grappling with a loss of her motherhood status than to burn my emotional bridge to a shrew.

That’s why I’m raising the question of whether she actually said the word ‘controlling,’ because your recount of the conversation didn’t include that characterization of you.

You get to decide whether you want to make this easier on yourself or harder. If you want to opt for harder, you can do that, it’s not against the law. It’s just not going to buy you the best possible relationship with the future grandmother of your children. It won’t buy you an ounce of harmony or joy. And those are the only things I’m wishing for you.

[boltnrun]

I didn't say you were "wrong" or that your points weren't valid. I said it appears your fiance wouldn't have taken the steps of removing his mother from the bank account and disabling the tracker on his own. He did those things at your suggestion.

Again, I am not saying you're wrong. But there's likely a reason why his mother believes you are the impetus for those decisions (as you in fact were). She apparently perceives it as you interfering with what she believes is a loving connection to her son. (Again, not saying you're wrong).

I kind of feel for your fiance. He's walking a line here. He does need to put his spouse first but it seems he also wants to have a good relationship with his mother. I think all married couples deal with this to some degree.

My suggestion is to allow him to manage his relationship with his mother. Get involved if anything she does directly negatively affects you, but if she wants to engage in petty name calling and accusations I'm sure your fiance is capable of shutting that down. 

[rainbowsandroses]

48 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Nobody here is calling you ‘wrong,’ and there’s no need to defend. I’m suggesting something that I find helpful myself. I reach for the most beneficial lens through which I can reframe my own inner narrative. It’s a way of steering myself toward healing rather than talking myself into a deeper emotional hole to climb out of.

I’d find it far easier to get along with the idea of a weak woman grappling with a loss of her motherhood status than to burn my emotional bridge to a shrew.

That’s why I’m raising the question of whether she actually said the word ‘controlling,’ because your recount of the conversation didn’t include that characterization of you.

You get to decide whether you want to make this easier on yourself or harder. If you want to opt for harder, you can do that, it’s not against the law. It’s just not going to buy you the best possible relationship with the future grandmother of your children. It won’t buy you an ounce of harmony or joy. And those are the only things I’m wishing for you.

Just had a chance to catch up and have only one thing to say.  This!!!^^^   Very well said @catfeeder.

This thread reminds me of the game "Telephone" where in the beginning one ambiguous statement made (from FMIL) that could have a hundred different meanings (none of them personal towards you OP) escalated to where you've convinced yourself she finds you "controlling" and a shrew attempting to steal her son away from her.

There is nothing good or positive that comes from maintaining that type negative internal frame, try to exercise some compassion for what SHE is experiencing and extend yourself a bit.  

Be the bigger (kinder) person and learn to let passing comments like this go.  

You'll be a lot happier in the long term, so will you future husband and future MIL.

JMO and what I always try to do.  It's proven to be quite beneficial in maintaining relationships with not only my in-laws but people in general.  

"The Law of Least Effort." 

This law is based on the fact that nature's intelligence functions with effortless ease and abandoned carefreeness. This is the principle of least action, of no resistance. This is, therefore, the principle of harmony and love.

Good luck. 

 

 

[catfeeder]

20 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My suggestion is to allow him to manage his relationship with his mother. Get involved if anything she does directly negatively affects you, but if she wants to engage in petty name calling and accusations I'm sure your fiance is capable of shutting that down. 

Yes, and for my own head and peace I wouldn’t jump to conclusions that this is what she was doing. Who does that serve? Did fiancé run home and say, “She called you a controlling witch!” If not, why take it there?

Had fiancé told her during his college years that he’s removing her from his account and is shutting down the tracker, she would likely have raised the same questions. Why? Is this really what you want to do? Where did this idea come from, did someone influence you?

The milestones of adulting strike different parents in different ways. But just because a parent cries at the graduation or the wedding, it doesn’t mean that they don’t support the milestone.

Go easy on yourself, and you won’t be so quick to feel judged or blamed. You have many happy years ahead if you can roll over the bumps without amplifying them into mountains.

[niceknowingyou45]

6 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I agree she is grieving having to let her son go. Even when children are adults this is very hard. I have an adult child. You never stop being a mother , ever , until they stuff you in the box and bury you. 
 

You are like 2 years older than my son. I can see both sides and had very difficult in-laws for a very long time . 

What side of my FMIL do you see that is right? Not wanting your husband to be tracked by his mother and upon marriage to expect your wife to be on the bank account or to share personal financial details with your wife instead of your mother is par for the course of growing up.  You leave and cleave from your parents and form a union with your spouse.  You become one with them in a metaphorical sense.  The relationship between mother and son should shift upon marriage.

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

What side of my FMIL do you see that is right?

I don't see where @Seraphim said your MIL is "right".

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

What side of my FMIL do you see that is right? Not wanting your husband to be tracked by his mother and upon marriage to expect your wife to be on the bank account or to share personal financial details with your wife instead of your mother is par for the course of growing up.  You leave and cleave from your parents and form a union with your spouse.  You become one with them in a metaphorical sense.  The relationship between mother and son should shift upon marriage.

No one is attack you . We are giving you life experience and advice . If you don’t want it that is fine it is really no skin off my nose. 

[itsallgrand]

You don't have to agree with someone to understand where they are coming from. 

I understood it as Seraphim saying she could understand where both you and your future MIL are coming from in your actions. That's all. 

[rainbowsandroses]

21 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't see where @Seraphim said your MIL is "right".

This^.

20 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

No one is attacking you . We are giving you life experience and advice . If you don’t want it that is fine it is really no skin off my nose. 

And this^.

9 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

You don't have to agree with someone to understand where they are coming from. 

I understood it as Seraphim saying she could understand where both you and your future MIL are coming from in your actions. That's all. 

And this^!

OP, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say at this point, given your feelings, don't marry him.  It's been said, when you marry, you marry their entire family so it's best you get along and hold no animosity regardless of how unreasonable you believe they're being.

Marriage is hard enough as it is.  

Just my $.02 fwiw.  

All the best. 

 

[niceknowingyou45]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I didn't say you were "wrong" or that your points weren't valid. I said it appears your fiance wouldn't have taken the steps of removing his mother from the bank account and disabling the tracker on his own. He did those things at your suggestion.

Again, I am not saying you're wrong. But there's likely a reason why his mother believes you are the impetus for those decisions (as you in fact were). She apparently perceives it as you interfering with what she believes is a loving connection to her son. (Again, not saying you're wrong).

I kind of feel for your fiance. He's walking a line here. He does need to put his spouse first but it seems he also wants to have a good relationship with his mother. I think all married couples deal with this to some degree.

My suggestion is to allow him to manage his relationship with his mother. Get involved if anything she does directly negatively affects you, but if she wants to engage in petty name calling and accusations I'm sure your fiance is capable of shutting that down. 

A loving connection doesn't involve needing to keep track of your nearly 30 year old son's where abouts and needing to continue access to his bank account as if he is a child.  If anyone is expressing controlling tendencies it's my FMIL.   I understand wanting to have a good relationship with your mother and I am not saying he can't talk to her or see her as often as he wants that's having a good relationship with your parent.  Not cutting the apron string or the umbilical cord is a sign of not a good relationship but an enmeshed emotionally unhealthy relationship.  We have been dating for years she had to know the next step which would be marriage is coming.  JMO but I feel she had years to mentally prepare for this and she should have been mentally preparing herself all along.  

Being tracked does directly affect me because a lot of times I will be with my husband and by proxy I don't need my MIL being able to have open access to my whereabouts as well.  Staying on my husband's bank account also directly affects me since we will be married so she will have open access to the family money.  Which yes once married regardless of who makes the money it is considered family money.

To me loyalty needs to lie with your spouse

[niceknowingyou45]

I am taking in all the advice and you are right that I wasn't there so I don't directly know for sure if she actually used the words, "your wife to be is controlling."  I just don't like that my FMIL pulled a sneaky move by excluding her son's soon to be wife from a dinner to air out grievances.  I feel if she wasn't trying to be sneaky or trash talk me she wouldn't have excluded me from this particular type of meeting.  I am not saying she can't ever see her son alone anymore but this particular circumstance was done in a sneaky manner.

However for the sake of family harmony I agree it's a good idea to give her the benefit of the doubt and not address it with her and to continue to foster a good relationship with her by showing kindness and love to my FMIL.  While also watching my back and withholding to firm boundaries with her.

I will speak to my fiance tonight and apologize for putting him in the middle but that still doesn't change the fact that for the sake of our future marriage boundaries do need to be maintained with his mother just as they would need to be with my own mother.  However my mother doesn't track me and my mother long ago told me you are living with your boyfriend and you are an adult and she took it upon herself to remove her name from the bank account that we shared.

[Seraphim]

The thing is he can have a relationship with his mother that is independent of you. I know it doesn’t “ feel” nice. But people are allowed relationships with family and friends independently of us. It is ok that she gets to tell her view point. He has defended you so his loyalty is to you. However, he can have dinner with his mom without you. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, niceknowingyou45 said:

I will speak to my fiance tonight and apologize for putting him in the middle but that still doesn't change the fact that for the sake of our future marriage boundaries do need to be maintained with his mother 

This is a good approach. You're absolutely correct that when you marry, you two will be a financial unit as well as legal next of kin and a host of other responsibilities. To each other. 

People can be close to extended families, however you and your fiance will soon be a family unit and that takes precedence over extended families. Agree you should continue to let him handle his mother.  He's weaning her off this attachment and that's a good thing. 

[Wonderstruck]

@niceknowingyou45, I just wanted to make a few, very important points that I think you really need to hear.

• You are NOT obligated to put up with a disrespectful, CONTROLLING, emotionally manipulative Mother-In-Law just because OTHER PEOPLE were forced to put up with horrible in-laws because their spouses REFUSED TO STAND UP FOR THEM.

I, personally, would never stay in a relationship with someone who refused to CONSISTENTLY stand up for me to their disrespectful parents, or refused to draw strict boundaries in order to protect me from emotional abuse.

It's great if your fiancé IS standing up for you, but please make sure that he continues to do so EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. Yes, you ARE entitled to that. Yes, that is the BARE MINIMUM.

• Your future Mother-In-Law is the one who is CONTROLLING, not you.

If she insinuates that you're controlling, then she is projecting her behaviour onto you.

• Your future Mother-in-Law absolutely owes you an apology for her behaviour. RESPECT GOES BOTH WAYS. She is JUST as obligated to be respectful towards you as you are towards her.

Don't let people try to convince you to abide by double standards.

• Your fiancé needs to nip this behaviour in the bud as soon as possible, or else your future Mother-In-Law will continue to try to find a million ways, throughout your lives, to control, emotionally abuse, and manipulate the both of you.

Make no mistake, this is who she is.

• Be wary of anyone who tries too hard to defend your future Mother-In-Law's behaviour.

Normally, people will defend behaviour that they would either engage in themselves, or don't see a problem with. Keep that in mind.

I really hope that you don't feel ganged up on or brow-beaten by posting your issue on this forum.

Please take good care of yourself, sis. ❤️

[niceknowingyou45]

2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

The thing is he can have a relationship with his mother that is independent of you. I know it doesn’t “ feel” nice. But people are allowed relationships with family and friends independently of us. It is ok that she gets to tell her view point. He has defended you so his loyalty is to you. However, he can have dinner with his mom without you. 

Hmm..interesting considering I have never said he couldn't have dinner with his mom without me or he couldn't have an independent relationship with her without me. Which he does when they talk on the phone everyday. However in this particular instance this wasn't a case of a mother just wanting to have an innocent dinner with her son.  That has happened multiple times in our relationship before and I have absolutely no issues with that. I didn't think twice about it. In fact in the post you quoted me on I spelled it out and my exact words were, "I am not saying she can't ever see her son alone anymore."   However this particular time it wasn't an innocent dinner with his mom that she just wanted to have mother/son it was hey let me corner my son and try and manipulate him to make him feel guilty that my about to be married son who is nearly 30 wants to set HEALTHY boundaries with me.  It isn't normal as a mother to need to have a whole sit down dinner to basically guilt trip (cough cough: manipulate) your son and coerce him to try to make him feel guilty for doing completely normal things. Again his mother is the one majorly projecting and trying to twist the narrative of her controlling obsessive ways by trying to turn it around on me to look controlling. No longer having that adult umbilical cord attached to his mother which is what the tracking app is a substitute for.  I am sorry but naturally we spend a lot of time together and I don't need my MIL being able to see that her son is at the doctor's office with me (this is just a hypothetical example of something that could happen) and pull it up and see oh they are currently at the OBGYN.  I don't need my MIL that close and personal in my family business.  Yes once married your spouse becomes immediate family and the rest become extended.  Her son isn't a child or a teenager who just started driving and mommy needs to make sure he isn't going to break curfew or be where he says he is going to be. 

 

With the whole money thing the fact his mother is pushing back and that upset that it requires a whole dinner to guilt trip your about to be married son for putting his about to be family first and forming a union with his wife by taking his mom off of his bank account is very telling and very scary for what the possible future could hold boundary wise with his mother. No reason non at all that his mother needs to continue to have access to his spending habits or the ins and outs of his personal bank account at 28 and double that when he is married.  That is something you share with your spouse not your mother.  Yes that effects me too because any income becomes family money and I don't want his mom to have open access to his family money.  If she wants to send her son money she can simply write a check to him plus everyone has venmo, zelle, etc now so I don't want to hear well what if she wants to send him money because I have sent money to plenty of people before without needing their banking info.

These are all perfectly healthy changes that take place upon marriage.  Just like who your first of contact is in emergency situations becomes your spouse once married, or your beneficiary.  Guess who becomes your next of kin after marriage and if something god forbid happens to your spouse and the hospital needs to make a tough medical decision after marriage they aren't going to ask his mom what should be done that decision will go to the spouse.  I am not trying to sound extreme here just proving the point that marriage signifies that person becomes your most important family member and you are starting a life with them not your parents.  Therefore your ties and loyalty should be with them.

[Batya33]

You’ve expressed your personal standards very well. But they are your opinion. There’s a huge range of familial relationships when people marry. So I would express your personal opinions and standards and expectations to your fiancé in a kind and thoughtful way and see what he thinks. 
when my parents married in 1956 in their early 20s he told her no more spending every Sunday all day with her family. Who spoke a language my dad didn’t - a foreign language. He wanted Sunday for them. For movies and parks and museums. He was fine with once a month or less. This was hard for my mom but she understood and compromised. She was only 21.  Married people often feel differently about this sort of issue and they compromise. I highly suggest you do. Or decide ultimately you don’t want to marry his family the way the dynamic is. It does seem extreme to me.

Marriage has taught me humility. Including checking myself when something is merely my opinion not “right “. Which comes up a lot in parenting I find. For example.