Friendship breakup

[DariaM239]

Welp here I am again. Currently feeling confused and sad because my "bestfriend" of 14 years pretty much wants nothing to do with me anymore. It all started when he was in Germany and he txted me saying he needed $200. He's never one to ask me for money, however, I myself had a trip coming up and I told him no I could not afford to send it to him right now. Because of the time difference I went to sleep woke up the next morning to all his missed calls and txt. He still really needed the money to put gas in the car rental and make it back to the airport. Now how the heck does someone go on a trip with no financial plan. I don’t know. Whatever. So I send him the money. The following weekend me and him plus a group of friends were supposed to go on a trip together. He ends up not showing up at all. I was extremely upset that he didn’t show up, I ended up getting drunk and blocked him just for the night cause I didn’t want to hear his excuses. He was extremely offended. We eventually talked it out and all was well (or at least I thought). 3 weeks pass by and I’m asking him back for my $200. He was extremely offended because he said he really had no money, but he sent me the money 2 days later and then he just started acting weird. I asked him if everything was okay. He said...

“I need space from you right now, because honestly you always make everything about yourself” he started comparing me to his “real friends” he started using my past against me, saying all I do is make dumb stupid choices and he was tired of always having to hear me out and be there for me. (Yes this is the same guy that picked me up from the guys house at 2am, this topic is in a past post). He was offended that I kept pressing him about the money and that I blocked him that night. 
But honestly what really hurt me the most was when he said, I burden him with my problems and him comparing me to his other friends. His words were "my other friends have been there for me at my worst, since day one and with you I honestly can't look back on a moment you've been there for me" This all happened yesterday. He said all this in an audio message. I still have not said responded back to him because as CRAZY as this sounds. I still have hope that we can fix things, and the best thing I can do right now to save our friendship is for me to say nothing at all. Because once I start saying how I feel, hurtful words are going to be said and there will be no going back from it.

Am I insane for still wanting him as my friend?? I feel like there's something so much deeper bothering him and he doesn't want to tell me. Idk. But this is the guy that we literally call each other family. We always talk about how we’ll speak at each others weddings and be the best aunt/uncle to each others kids. This guy has really been there for me at MY lowest, so for him to change up on me like that has me absolutely shocked and hurt. I just don’t know what to do. 

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, DariaM239 said:

 he sent me the money 2 days later .  this is the same guy that picked me up from the guys house at 2am, this topic is in a past post.  I feel like there's something so much deeper bothering him and he doesn't want to tell me. 

Sorry this happened. It's good he paid you back. Unfortunately he's using a lot of emotion extortion and guilt trips. 

Definitely step way back and let the dust settle. Perhaps something is going on with him such as drugs etc.

If he won't talk to you, that's ok. But it's not ok to manipulate you for money.  Reconsider if this is really a good friend or not. In the meantime don't contact him or reward his horrific behaviors..

[Batya33]

56 minutes ago, DariaM239 said:

Am I insane for still wanting him as my friend?? I feel like there's something so much deeper bothering him and he doesn't want to tell me. Idk. But this is the guy that we literally call each other family. We always talk about how we’ll speak at each others weddings and be the best aunt/uncle to each others kids. This guy has really been there for me at MY lowest, so for him to change up on me like that has me absolutely shocked and hurt. I just don’t know what to do. 

Watch the feet not the lips -he did help you out when you actually didn't need help badly -picking you up at 2am- but he acted like a jerk about the $.  All that "family" talk is not the focus -it is how he acts in challenging situations.

[Cherylyn]

Remember this:  Friends and money don't mix.  Family and money don't mix.  What does this mean?  It means keep your relations without the subject of money whether loaning,  lending,  expecting to see your money again,  borrowing and the like.  Money creates a lot of problems,  heated arguments,  resentment and bitterness. 

My relatives,  in-laws and friends and I don't have money issues between us.  Sure,  we give each other gift cards,  treat some people to meals on rare occasions and whatnot but we do not ask for money,  lend money,  pestering for repayment never happens and we have harmony because money is not part of our relationships.  

Change your dynamics and / or choose your friends wisely because if you do,  it will be more peaceful and enduring.

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, DariaM239 said:

Am I insane for still wanting him as my friend??

You're not insane, but you appear to lack both perspective and a sense of what a healthy friendship looks like. 

I would take a big step back from this guy. This friendship sounds dysfunctional. 

 

[Kwothe28]

10 hours ago, DariaM239 said:

Yes this is the same guy that picked me up from the guys house at 2am

I remember that one. Told you that you run a risk with friendships like that. Especially this dysfunctional ones.

I dunno why you would even want to fix this aside of the whole longevity of friendship. Guy was unreasonable in asking you for a money(I would maybe understand if he got his money stolen but that doesnt seem to be a case and he just decided on a whim to do something he had no money for), then blows you off(to be fair that is partially on you, you dont block somebody for a day, you should have just dont mind him and proceed on your own) and then makes a whole temper tantrum because you asked for your money back.

We have a saying here: If you want to lose a friends, just borrow them money. Means that in a lot of those cases,  you will not see that friends again. As they wouldnt want to return that money to you so they would avoid you. That proves right in a lots of cases like this. 

[Batya33]

Only lend the amount of $ you're happy to give as a gift. Also I have awkward convos up front -before the ask.  And this includes friends who call me about a new business idea and it's obvious they want a contribution to a gofundme "investment" or for me to buy from them.  I say up front -I'm happy to give you input and advice (I love doing this) but I'm not giving any $ or buying anything.  I get it out of the way.  Or for any favor I think I'm going to be asked for that is not going to happen - because time is money too. 

So the friend who started out by saying she'd like to meet with my husband for coffee because she just got into a certain line of business and believed he had networking potential through his job -I said "no- he's extremely busy and we need him home when he can be plus I know him well and he's not a good person for networking in this situation at all." Then I immediately told her what I could do.  So that's another option - tell the person "I cannot lend you $ but I'm happy to send you a link to [resource that might lead to him borrowing/earning $].  Tell the friend what you can do to help that does not involve too much $.

[Deejmonster]

Sorry this happened to you. I think you were totally right to distance yourself from him after he acted disrespectful to you about the money and I think you were right to ask for the money to be repaid. Sounds like he has some personal issues that he isn't disclosing and is lashing out at you as a way to make him feel better. 14 years is a long time and maybe some time and distance will heal the wounds to a point where the both of you can settle this in the future and continue on as friends. Doesn't look good for him though. There was no reason for him to say those things. Money does crazy things to people unfortunately. 

[Starlight925]

This isn’t about the money. 
He told you why he doesn’t want to be your friend anymore.  He says you’re not there for him in the ways that he’s there for you. 
Youre jumping through hoops trying to figure out why he wants you out of your life, but he told you.  His perception is that you are not the friend to him, that he is to you. 
 So instead of crying over him rejecting you, think of any possible ways you can validate his feelings.

Ths money is not the thing.  It’s just the final straw. 

[Jaunty]

This is probably a good time for "I'm really sorry you're feeling that way.   Let me know if you'd like to talk at some point."  And leave it be.

[tattoobunnie]

 

19 hours ago, DariaM239 said:

This guy has really been there for me at MY lowest, so for him to change up on me like that has me absolutely shocked and hurt. I just don’t know what to do. 

Instead of asking why he no longer has money, or how he got stuck in Germany without money, you accuse him of unable to plan for a trip.  And if my friend who's never asked for money, calls me in the middle of the night, and says, "I need money," I send him money.  No questions asked.  Either way, you are not his "ride or die," nor a good friend to him.  That doesn't mean you aren't someone's good friend, but I would never treat a best friend like that.

With the money thing...if you ever loan money to a friend or family member, treat it as a gift, because it's not worth fighting over.   You had the money; you just didn't care to ask why he needed it or him to be frank.  You weren't there for him, but he has been there for you.  That is being self-absorbed.

[DariaM239]

2 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

This isn’t about the money. 
He told you why he doesn’t want to be your friend anymore.  He says you’re not there for him in the ways that he’s there for you. 
Youre jumping through hoops trying to figure out why he wants you out of your life, but he told you.  His perception is that you are not the friend to him, that he is to you. 
 So instead of crying over him rejecting you, think of any possible ways you can validate his feelings.

Ths money is not the thing.  It’s just the final straw. 

So he just said he needed space for right now. And I respect that, but at the same time I did not find it ok of him to use my past against me and compare me to his other friends and then basically call me selfish because I HAVE been there for him when he needed me (not just with the money situation) I just didn't detail that in the beginning. But because of that is exactly why I am shocked by his current attitude. I'm just going to let it be.   

[DariaM239]

27 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

 

Instead of asking why he no longer has money, or how he got stuck in Germany without money, you accuse him of unable to plan for a trip.  And if my friend who's never asked for money, calls me in the middle of the night, and says, "I need money," I send him money.  No questions asked.  Either way, you are not his "ride or die," nor a good friend to him.  That doesn't mean you aren't someone's good friend, but I would never treat a best friend like that.

With the money thing...if you ever loan money to a friend or family member, treat it as a gift, because it's not worth fighting over.   You had the money; you just didn't care to ask why he needed it or him to be frank.  You weren't there for him, but he has been there for you.  That is being self-absorbed.

Hi, so first off I don't think there is anything wrong with me asking back for MY money, regardless of who it is. And yes, I had the money but like I said, I myself had an upcoming trip and couldn't afford to spend anymore. In the end I did send it to him because he's my friend. I didn't ask back for the money until THREE weeks later and that was only because I noticed he was going out to brunch and bars with friends, so I felt offended ( I should've mentioned that in the original post).

[DariaM239]

10 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You're not insane, but you appear to lack both perspective and a sense of what a healthy friendship looks like. 

I would take a big step back from this guy. This friendship sounds dysfunctional. 

 

As much as I don't like to think about it in that way. You are right. Thank you.

[tattoobunnie]

2 minutes ago, DariaM239 said:

Hi, so first off I don't think there is anything wrong with me asking back for MY money, regardless of who it is. And yes, I had the money but like I said, I myself had an upcoming trip and couldn't afford to spend anymore. In the end I did send it to him because he's my friend. I didn't ask back for the money until THREE weeks later and that was only because I noticed he was going out to brunch and bars with friends, so I felt offended ( I should've mentioned that in the original post).

Your whole paragraph is about you.  What I see is also what you see.  You don't have anyone now that helps you at your beckon call anymore, and that is what you care about more.  Not him.  People don't need to stick around for a friendship that is a one-way street.