How do you stop comparing yourself to other people?

[primrose322]

I'm in my early 30s and I've been in a relationship for a couple years now but we've been struggling a lot lately and I'm not sure if it's something I want long-term anymore. I'm crushed and heartbroken, but I think what's been bugging me the most is that the majority of my friends are married with kids. They all have houses and families, and look so happy on social media. And when I see them in person, everyone looks so blissfully happy and in love and like they really couldn't ask for anything else in life. 

By contrast, I spend many nights alone feeling like I've fallen behind in life especially since I'm not sure if my current relationship will lead to marriage. I'm terrified of possibly starting over, but I'm more terrified of feeling like I'm in a different stage of life than everyone else I know, and feeling kind of like an outcast.

I know that in the grand scheme of things, early 30s is still quite young but it's sometimes hard for me to put that into perspective. How do you stop comparing yourself to those around you? 

[Wiseman2]

On 11/5/2023 at 10:04 PM, primrose322 said:

I spend many nights alone feeling like I've fallen behind in life especially since I'm not sure if my current relationship will lead to marriage. 

Sorry this is happening. Are you happy with your relationship? Please reconsider staying together simply for the sake of keeping up with the Joneses.

People post all sorts of stuff on social media but you don't really know what their lives are like behind closed doors, so this isn't a good yardstick of your own life.

Stop and reflect how happy you really are in the relationship. Have you two discussed what you both want going forward as far as future, marriage, family, etc.? 

Is this the same man?

 

[Kwothe28]

On 11/6/2023 at 4:04 AM, primrose322 said:

How do you stop comparing yourself to those around you?

There is no specific timeline for stuff like that. Somebody finds their hapiness in 20s, somebody in 30s, somebody in 40s and beyond. You shouldnt be limited by society norms. Yes, most people do make a family in 30s(I think some median is 27-28), after they settle with some job and find somebody. But, the decision on who you marry is one of the most important decisions of your life. And you cant rush that one because "everybody else around me getting married and having kids so I need too". Its much more important for you to have a healthy marriage. Then a rushed one with somebody just because of having a marrriage.

Yes, thought of being alone is hard. But you would have more troubles by marrying somebody wrong. In any sense of that word. So, if your current relationship is not going well, you have plenty of time to find somebody where it will lead to wonderful life together.

On the topic of that: Is your boyfriend still grieving? How does that affect your relationship?

[tattoobunnie]

Studies show, women who wait to have babies live longer.  

On 9/17/2023 at 7:11 PM, primrose322 said:

I'm still feeling resentment over what happened yesterday. All the times he ignored and shut me down, didn't want to talk to me, etc.

To be 100% honest, the reason why you feel anxious about the future and keeping up is because you are with the absolutely wrong guy!!!

When you get with the right guy, all that anxiety you are feeling now, goes away.

DON'T settle!  You are young too, but don't waste your youth on this dum-dum.

[Cherylyn]

Don't believe what you see on social media.  Of course, they'll shine and blast their best to you.   I know some friends,  relatives and in-laws on FB who have numerous boastful posts yet I know the real dirt.  I know about their miserable marriages,  toxic,  dysfunctional family dynamics,  their insecurities and a world of hurt behind closed doors.  This is what is deliberately concealed from you.  Sure,  everyone looks blissfully happy but you don't know their painful,  real story.  Often times it is shameful,  humiliating,  embarrassing and hidden from you.

You're still young.  Work on yourself and get serious with your endeavors whether it's your education,  career,  doing what you enjoy,  taking good care of your health,  home life,  surrounding yourself with moral people or whatever makes you content.  Build your own security.

Ever since I've exited FB,  I've never been happier.  This is how I stopped comparing myself to others.  I'm too busy with my own life to care about what other people are doing during every waking hour. 

[Batya33]

Some years ago pre Covid we knew a family in that age range with 3 kids under 10. Both professionals and lovely people. Lovely home. Humble. She decided to host a monthly potluck so that she’d be able to do something social - she was so terribly busy and figured scheduling something would be the way.

We attended a number of them with our young son. So much fun. So warm. I wasn’t jealous. But I observed this lovely family and the couple seemed really happy. FYI no they were not active on social media. Chill and laid back. 

her friends also were so nice. 
we lost touch during Covid. Then last year or so she got back in touch. We were considering moving to her neighborhood. Some months later she asked me our plans. Turns out - later that week her husband was moving out. I was SHOCKED. They were so — normal. So right together. I have no idea why they divorced. Not my business to ask. I’ve checked on her from time to time. She seems ok. 
OP many couples are truly happy. They don’t divorce. My example should tell you. YOU NEVER KNOW. Ever. if you’re very very close you might know a bit more like all else equal you’ll know if they’re relatively happy or very happy.
 

The example I gave you - not unusual. 
I was you. I was so worried about all of it and I took the long way around. Stayed too long in not right relationships. Next month we’ll be married 15 years and I am 57 and he turns 57 next month. You do the math. We started dating again at 39 (me) and 38 (him). 
Had I stayed in my not quite right LTR. Instead of ending it for good in early 2005 I’d never have been ready to fall in love with him 7 months later. And he wouldn’t have wanted to date me if I was still in a relationship because he’s not that kind of person thank goodness. Think about how many opportunities you’re potentially foregoing. Times a wasting. 

[jul-els]

Stop looking at social media. It’s not reality. It’s a facade and it promotes bad mental health. Switch it off and focus on your own life and the ways in which you want to be happy and then pursue them. Don’t live vicariously through others. It’s irrelevant and makes you a passive spectator in your own reality. Walk away from your social media activities and be done with them. 

[Lambert]

In addition the great suggestions and advice given....

At some point, you have to start focusing and accepting that your life is yours. You have to make good choices based on what is. Not what you want it to look like to others.

When you do that, you make the best choices in order for your life to be good enough for you.  

If your relationship is not what you think you want, it's better to end sooner rather than later.

being terrified of being alone or starting over is unreasonable. life is a series of endings and beginnings. Work on your relationship with yourself.  Get to know what you want and what you don't.  That is what should guide you,  not fear. 

[Wiseman2]

On 11/5/2023 at 10:04 PM, primrose322 said:

I'm in my early 30s and I've been in a relationship for a couple years now but we've been struggling a lot lately and I'm not sure if it's something I want long-term anymore. 

Sorry this is happening. Please reflect on why you are unhappy in the relationship and what the issues are.

If your relationship was intact and happy, you wouldn't give a hoot who posts what on social media.

It's simply serves as a magnifying glass of your unhappiness in the relationship.