My Girlfriend lied about taking Cocaine

[bluecastle]

While I understand that right now your focus is on her—her use of drugs, her dishonesty about it, the pain she has caused you and her desire to atone for it—I would also try to see this as a good moment for self-reflection and general relationship-reflection. The big question here being : What is the appeal, as someone with a "hatred" of hard drugs, of a woman who (a) clearly does not share your views and (b) pretty clearly does not feel comfortable to share her own with you truthfully?

I don't want to minimize her lying, as lying always leaves a mark, sometimes a fatal one. Yet at the same time: context matters. And the larger context here seems to be that neither of you have found a way to confront a very real divide in value systems. In trying to sidestep it, you are now self-cast in cartoonish roles: You as the strident anti-drug crusader, she as the repentant, wobbly-footed partier seeking atonement through your approval. Or, as others have said: You are playing stern dad, and she is playing wayward daughter. Ick. 

The way I see it, the recent Cocaine Incident is a very clear lie on her part that is the byproduct of a murkier one you've both had a hand in injecting into your relationship. "I have a hatred of hard drugs," you told her early. And right then she probably felt "bad," being that she liked you but realized that her own attitude and history might not jibe with yours. So she gave you a watered-down version: I've dabbled, it's in the past, etc. And for a while that held, with you comforted by the idea that it was "in the past" and her perhaps comforted in the notion that your attitude about drugs was maybe not as militant as you'd presented.

Alas, especially in the early days, we all see what we want to see. Then time works its magic in revealing the extend of our projections. 

What seems most critical right now—if also very difficult, given the heated emotions on both sides—is for you two to have an honest conversation about expectations about drugs and partying and then see if you two sincerely work. Because right now? It very much seems like she is motivated most by appeasing you, to such a degree that she may not even know her own sincere thoughts and feelings about this.

Many people occasionally do a line of coke, hit a joint, or even get a little extra slanted without it being much of an issue in their lives. That can absolutely be a Hard No for you, as it is for many. But if it's not an authentic Hard No for her it really doesn't much matter if her "behavior" improves in all the ways she's promising. You'd both still be playing parts, to some degree, rather than being yourselves. While a hard lie can cut deep and immediately, that's the kind that festers and poisons.  
 

[boltnrun]

Did she said she won't do drugs or socialize with those who do because she doesn't want to anymore? Or because she's afraid of losing you? 

[MrMan1983]

27 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Perhaps but my point is when you treat your partner (gf, bf) like a child, that's what you can expect, them rebelling like a child. 

Their whole dynamic is off, he acts like her father and a very strict one at that so naturally she rebels.

She lied to you OP because to be truthful was to hear your wrath which she ended up hearing anyway.

Instead create an open dynamic wherein she is free to express herself and be truthful without fear of being reprimanded or judged..   You created this dynamic with your heavy-handedness imo

I dunno, maybe I'm not meant to be in a relationship anymore but I find so many of them so oppressive and controlling.

Squelching the energy right out of ya,

Yes I'm probably projecting at.least in part, but that's what I'm seeing here. 

 

So it's his fault now 😂 Person you're in a serious relationship with knows you hate drugs, goes out and gets obliterated on cocaine, lies to your face about doing it, doubles down on lie till caught out fully. Seems completely fair enough being annoyed or concerned by that, I don't get how that's oppressive, strict, controlling or acting like a prison warden or the other things implied!?

Personally if those were my values I would of been annoyed by it too, but if it was a one off or rare hiccup I would also of forgiven her if it was a genuine apology and there was a clear way of moving forwards with differing values. *** does happen and so do blips like this.

Sounds like they are already moving forward so doesn't sound like he's making a that big meal of it.

[Batya33]

When I dated I was hard line. So in my late 20s and beyond I was fine with someone who’d partied a lot in college - got drunk etc. ok with someone who had tried pot. Not as ok with someone who had tried coke or any hard stuff. But ok if it was a one time thing plus the person decided back then not to do it again. I would decline another date with someone who still smoked pot, got drunk more than once in a very blue moon, or who smoked cigarettes.  I smoked cigarettes for a year in my early to mid teens then quit and never smoked again. I’m quite sure if I took up smoking again it would be close to a dealbreaker for my husband.

Neither of us has ever tried an illegal drug. I can say with 99.9 % certainty neither of us ever will. . He’s been drunk a couple of times in his life and never when I knew him. 
So I too am confused why you dated her - she’s in her 20s and still had the same friends she partied with in the past and didn’t say she stopped taking drugs - a couple of years prior to you dating - because she saw they were bad for her   So chances were she was going to use drugs again 

I agree it puts you 2 in uncomfortable roles in this relationship 

 

[boltnrun]

I partied HARD when I was younger. I started very young (drinking at 12, pot at 14, cocaine and pills at 15) but I hard stopped at age 21. Just stopped cold because I didn't want to do it anymore. And I don't miss it one bit.

But it was MY choice to stop. I wasn't appeasing or trying to hang onto anyone.

I hope she's choosing to stop and choosing healthier friends because she wants to, not because she thinks you want her to. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, bluecastle said:

While I understand that right now your focus is on her—her use of drugs, her dishonesty about it, the pain she has caused you and her desire to atone for it—I would also try to see this as a good moment for self-reflection and general relationship-reflection. The big question here being : What is the appeal, as someone with a "hatred" of hard drugs, of a woman who (a) clearly does not share your views and (b) pretty clearly does not feel comfortable to share her own with you truthfully?

I don't want to minimize her lying, as lying always leaves a mark, sometimes a fatal one. Yet at the same time: context matters. And the larger context here seems to be that neither of you have found a way to confront a very real divide in value systems. In trying to sidestep it, you are now self-cast in cartoonish roles: You as the strident anti-drug crusader, she as the repentant, wobbly-footed partier seeking atonement through your approval. Or, as others have said: You are playing stern dad, and she is playing wayward daughter. Ick. 

The way I see it, the recent Cocaine Incident is a very clear lie on her part that is the byproduct of a murkier one you've both had a hand in injecting into your relationship. "I have a hatred of hard drugs," you told her early. And right then she probably felt "bad," being that she liked you but realized that her own attitude and history might not jibe with yours. So she gave you a watered-down version: I've dabbled, it's in the past, etc. And for a while that held, with you comforted by the idea that it was "in the past" and her perhaps comforted in the notion that your attitude about drugs was maybe not as militant as you'd presented.

Alas, especially in the early days, we all see what we want to see. Then time works its magic in revealing the extend of our projections. 

What seems most critical right now—if also very difficult, given the heated emotions on both sides—is for you two to have an honest conversation about expectations about drugs and partying and then see if you two sincerely work. Because right now? It very much seems like she is motivated most by appeasing you, to such a degree that she may not even know her own sincere thoughts and feelings about this.

Many people occasionally do a line of coke, hit a joint, or even get a little extra slanted without it being much of an issue in their lives. That can absolutely be a Hard No for you, as it is for many. But if it's not an authentic Hard No for her it really doesn't much matter if her "behavior" improves in all the ways she's promising. You'd both still be playing parts, to some degree, rather than being yourselves. While a hard lie can cut deep and immediately, that's the kind that festers and poisons.  
 

Well said and good to see you @bluecastle....

[ArdenWinnie]

She fully understands the situation she put herself in and says she is ashamed and embarrassed by it and that is why she wants to stop. Not to ‘keep’ me. 
 

I don’t understand the comment about me treating her like a child and being controlling in me having my values and wanting to stick with them. I said to her if it was something that she wanted to do regularly then she can go do that, but hard drugs as I said is a massive no for me and I don’t want that in my life. I don’t understand the point of me having my values and wanting to stick to that in what I want for and in my life makes me controlling. Nor do I understand the point of me having those values makes it my fault? The point of it being a no was made at the beginning of the relationship, it’s not like it’s something I’ve just thrown on her. 

She has said she doesn’t want to do drugs again because she doesn’t want it anymore. She is embarrassed by it and says ‘I’m 29, I should f*cking grow up’

[ArdenWinnie]

1 hour ago, bluecastle said:

While I understand that right now your focus is on her—her use of drugs, her dishonesty about it, the pain she has caused you and her desire to atone for it—I would also try to see this as a good moment for self-reflection and general relationship-reflection. The big question here being : What is the appeal, as someone with a "hatred" of hard drugs, of a woman who (a) clearly does not share your views and (b) pretty clearly does not feel comfortable to share her own with you truthfully?

I don't want to minimize her lying, as lying always leaves a mark, sometimes a fatal one. Yet at the same time: context matters. And the larger context here seems to be that neither of you have found a way to confront a very real divide in value systems. In trying to sidestep it, you are now self-cast in cartoonish roles: You as the strident anti-drug crusader, she as the repentant, wobbly-footed partier seeking atonement through your approval. Or, as others have said: You are playing stern dad, and she is playing wayward daughter. Ick. 

The way I see it, the recent Cocaine Incident is a very clear lie on her part that is the byproduct of a murkier one you've both had a hand in injecting into your relationship. "I have a hatred of hard drugs," you told her early. And right then she probably felt "bad," being that she liked you but realized that her own attitude and history might not jibe with yours. So she gave you a watered-down version: I've dabbled, it's in the past, etc. And for a while that held, with you comforted by the idea that it was "in the past" and her perhaps comforted in the notion that your attitude about drugs was maybe not as militant as you'd presented.

Alas, especially in the early days, we all see what we want to see. Then time works its magic in revealing the extend of our projections. 

What seems most critical right now—if also very difficult, given the heated emotions on both sides—is for you two to have an honest conversation about expectations about drugs and partying and then see if you two sincerely work. Because right now? It very much seems like she is motivated most by appeasing you, to such a degree that she may not even know her own sincere thoughts and feelings about this.

Many people occasionally do a line of coke, hit a joint, or even get a little extra slanted without it being much of an issue in their lives. That can absolutely be a Hard No for you, as it is for many. But if it's not an authentic Hard No for her it really doesn't much matter if her "behavior" improves in all the ways she's promising. You'd both still be playing parts, to some degree, rather than being yourselves. While a hard lie can cut deep and immediately, that's the kind that festers and poisons.  
 

I really appreciate this comment. Thank you! 

[rainbowsandroses]

36 minutes ago, ArdenWinnie said:

She fully understands the situation she put herself in and says she is ashamed and embarrassed by it and that is why she wants to stop. Not to ‘keep’ me. 
 

I don’t understand the comment about me treating her like a child and being controlling in me having my values and wanting to stick with them. I said to her if it was something that she wanted to do regularly then she can go do that, but hard drugs as I said is a massive no for me and I don’t want that in my life. I don’t understand the point of me having my values and wanting to stick to that in what I want for and in my life makes me controlling. Nor do I understand the point of me having those values makes it my fault? The point of it being a no was made at the beginning of the relationship, it’s not like it’s something I’ve just thrown on her. 

She has said she doesn’t want to do drugs again because she doesn’t want it anymore. She is embarrassed by it and says ‘I’m 29, I should f*cking grow up’

If you don't want hard drugs in your life, even when it's a "one off" as it was here, then break up with her.  The end. 

You said she's embarrassed, what I'm seeing is she feels "shamed" by it, but not because she herself feels she did something bad or wrong, but rather because YOU don't approve and your disapproval caused her to feel shamed. 

All her apologies are indicative of that, these was no reason for it, it was overkill.  

Not sure why she even needed to apologize, because she hurt you?  How so?  How is the fact she did a line of coke hurtful to you?  Why take it so personally?

It wasn't a personal affront agsint you, she made a decision, it had nothing to do with you. 

Again, you don't like it, it goes against your values, then break up with her.  But for her to now say, she's 29, she needs to.grow up?

Congratulations mate, you just succeeded in shaming her, good job you got what you wanted.  

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

Sorry, this is a very sensitive subject for me, and admit I'm projecting.

I just think any relationship where unless something extremely egregious was done TO your partner, like cheating for example, constant apologizing and promises to do better to please your partner makes for a very unbalanced dynamic.  Which is what I'm seeing here. 

One that she may come to resent eventually, it's happened to me and many couples I know. 

 

[Seraphim]

Drug addictions and doing drugs destroys lives and more than just the drug addict’s life. It destroys parents and siblings and loved ones and friends. THIS IS why it is an egregious issue.People don’t need to put up with people just doing drugs because well it isn’t a big deal. It is a MASSIVE deal in the pain and suffering it causes and a MASSIVE deal it causes to the healthcare system. 

[rainbowsandroses]

My ex was a serious drug addict and I left because of it.  

The OPs girl is not an addict, not from my reading anyway....

[boltnrun]

I'm not an addict either. My use was strictly recreational. I haven't done anything since the late 1980s. I have had no health issues or subjected my family to any distress or harm and have had no legal issues due to my occasional recreational drug use.

There are those who are incapable of just recreational use, however. I have a friend who cannot go into a bar and just have one or two drinks. He will either stay away from the bar altogether or get drunk on ten or more drinks. No in between for him. I worked with someone who was like that too. I can go to a bar, drink one beer and go home. Or stay at the bar for six hours and still drink only two beers. (Bartenders don't like that much but I make up for it by ordering food.)

I hope she's sincere about never touching drugs again. I also hope she's done with lying. 

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, ArdenWinnie said:

It wasn’t something that I suggested down to a lack of trust nor is it something I want to do or said yes to

That's good, because it's a silly idea borne of a kneejerk reaction to the fear of this relationship ending over this incident. 

All you can do is see how things go in the coming months and whether you can both find a better understanding of each other. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

If you don't want hard drugs in your life, even when it's a "one off" as it was here, then break up with her.  The end. 

You said she's embarrassed, what I'm seeing is she feels "shamed" by it, but not because she herself feels she did something bad or wrong, but rather because YOU don't approve and your disapproval caused her to feel shamed. 

All her apologies are indicative of that, these was no reason for it, it was overkill.  

Not sure why she even needed to apologize, because she hurt you?  How so?  How is the fact she did a line of coke hurtful to you?  Why take it so personally?

It wasn't a personal affront agsint you, she made a decision, it had nothing to do with you. 

Again, you don't like it, it goes against your values, then break up with her.  But for her to now say, she's 29, she needs to.grow up?

Congratulations mate, you just succeeded in shaming her, good job you got what you wanted.  

 

 

It’s wrong to lie to your partner in that way. I wouldn’t see using coke and lying about it in that situation as a one off.  They shouldn’t be together if she sees nothing wrong in using cocaine. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Just now, Batya33 said:

It’s wrong to lie to your partner in that way. I wouldn’t see using coke and lying about it in that situation as a one off.  

I hear ya but if OP had not created such a a closed-minded oppressive emotional environment imposing his strict "standards" about the occassional use of  drugs and alcohol, perhaps she would NOT have felt the need to lie.  

That's why people lie to their loved ones imo, at least in part, because they don't feel emotionally safe being truthful.

That's really all I'm saying, she didn't feel safe being truthful originally, so she lied which ended up making it worse. 

Obviously it's not all his fault, it takes two to create this type of toxic dynamic, wherein she bends over backwards to please, apologizes up the wazoo and he judges and shames. 

Just how I'm envisioning this based on what's been posted.  

[Wiseman2]

On 11/5/2023 at 3:30 AM, ArdenWinnie said:

. Due to past issues that have happened in my life I am completely against being with someone who takes them.  last weekend she went on a night out with some friends and I was due to pick her up at midnight. It got to midnight and she said make it 2am, it got to 2 and she said make it 5am 

It's fine if you are a teetotaler for whatever reasons. What doesn't make sense is offering to be her chauffeur/designated driver, knowing she was out partying. 

It's entirely possible she's done with recreational drugs and alcohol, but it's possible she's not. Be prepared for both. 

Fibbing to you about it was the childish behavior but unfortunately, chauffeuring her was the parental behavior. If you don't condone something, don't enable it. 

 

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I hear ya but if OP had not created such a a closed-minded oppressive emotional environment imposing his strict "standards" about the occassional use of  drugs and alcohol, perhaps she would NOT have felt the need to lie.  

That's why people lie to their loved ones imo, at least in part, because they don't feel emotionally safe being truthful.

That's really all I'm saying, she didn't feel safe being truthful originally, so she lied which ended up making it worse. 

Obviously it's not all his fault, it takes two to create this type of toxic dynamic, wherein she bends over backwards to please, apologizes up the wazoo and he judges and shames. 

Just how I'm envisioning this based on what's been posted.  

I don’t find him rigid or strict at all. He is if it’s someone who justifies using illegal drugs once in awhile. I’m friends with people who do. I would never ever be around them during that time. But I wouldn’t tell them what to do. Ever.  To me he’s not rigid or strict. He’s normal. To me it’s normal not to take illegal drugs. To me it’s normal not to want to be closely associated with someone who takes illegal drugs.  He told her his stance up front and his mistake which I wrote above was dating a person who believes it’s ok to take illegal drugs. If she said she’d done it in the past recreationally and now believed it was not ok that’s different. She didn’t express that to him. She said she was done but if you’re not affirmatively against it for yourself I can see where you might not be done. I quit smoking in June 1982.  I promised my mother I’d never smoke again. And I also saw how awful it was for my health. From then on I believed strongly that smoking cigarettes was a really dumb thing to do. So I was ready to tell future boyfriends “I smoked a lot for about a year and I quit and I never want to smoke again and I never have or will”.
 

A person who was anti smoking could safely date me because of how I expressed it. It’s also why it was a mistake for him to date her. 

I find it judgey to describe him as strict or rigid. But yes from her perspective since she thinks it’s ok to use cocaine once in awhile - but promises him not to - she’s only doing it for him and likely sees him as extreme. 

[MrMan1983]

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

if OP had not created such a a closed-minded oppressive emotional environment imposing his strict "standards" about the occassional use of  drugs and alcohol, perhaps she would NOT have felt the need to lie.

Jesus, ‘closed-minded oppressive environment’ because he was concerned by his Mrs getting smashed on cocaine and lying to him about it 🤦‍♂️  You’ve built up quite the picture of this guy in your head based on this incident. Reminds me of when that other guy on Alex’s thread had turned into a weed smoking porn addict 😂 

[rainbowsandroses]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But yes from her perspective since she thinks it’s ok to use cocaine once in awhile - but promises him not to - she’s only doing it for him and likely sees him as extreme. 

Thank you Bat, again this^ is all I'm saying and yes I agree I'm being a bit judgy re the rest of it, it's a sore spot for me, as I've BTDT with a particular boyfriend.

It wasn't a good or healthy situation by any stretch of the imagination and I suffered in the end because of it.  

PS:  I will exit the thread now, said my piece, good luck OP.

[Seraphim]

I don’t know, I must be horrible because I want NO illicit drug use , NO cigarettes or vaping or pot. I am ok with the occasional Christmas/New Years drink. Hence I married someone to met those standards. 

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I don’t know, I must be horrible because I want NO illicit drug use , NO cigarettes or vaping or pot. I am ok with the occasional Christmas/New Years drink. Hence I married someone to met those standards. 

I'll try this again...

@Seraphim you are NOT horrible and you have every right to your standards, we all do.  And when someone doesn't match our standards, best to wish them well and part ways.  I do!!  

What I think is wrong is choosing to stay but then imposing OUR standards on our partner through intimidation tactics or strong arming which is what I'm envisioning in this situation, right or wrong. 

Yes the lying was wrong and hopefully she feels remorseful about it.

That's all.  Hope that clarifies.  

 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 11/5/2023 at 3:30 AM, ArdenWinnie said:

 about 2-3 months ago when she brought it up and said she had some weed and that’s why she was laughing so much. It wasn’t so much the fact that she had some weed that upset me it was the lie behind it. 

With respect, I think you only know the tip of the iceberg and this isn't a one time thing. She seems to get a kick, not only from getting high, but fooling you. 

Like a contrite kid who was caught with their hands in the cookie jar (yet again) she's all apologies and promises now. But after the weed episode there was this one. 

Please reflect if you are compatible. Try not to get into cat-and-mouse games. Honestly, teetotalers and partyers shouldn't really date expecting the other to change to their point of view. 

Obviously she's a grown woman and can go out and do whatever she wants, but keep your eyes open and please don't chauffeur her around any more like a dad picking up up a teen from a prom.  If she can't handle her stuff, she's responsible for that, not you. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'll try this again...

@Seraphim you are NOT horrible and you have every right to your standards, we all do.  And when someone doesn't match our standards, best to wish them well and part ways.  I do!!  

What I think is wrong is choosing to stay but then imposing OUR standards on our partner through intimidation tactics or strong arming which is what I'm envisioning in this situation, right or wrong. 

Yes the lying was wrong and hopefully she feels remorseful about it.

That's all.  Hope that clarifies.  

 

 

I agree but you described him with negative language about his particular views on drug use - not just about his attempting to impose them on her.  I agree with the latter but I agree with Seraphim (we are on the same page as far as drugs/alcohol it seems) that you came across judging him for not being ok with occasional illegal drug use.  I agree this is not going to work if he insists going forward she adheres to his standards - it's silly of him because they have incompatible values -she thinks if she occasionally used illegal drugs it would be ok values-wise (and she will not only to please him) and he doesn't think it would be ok - he needs to be with a person who doesn't use drugs because drug use is incompatible with her values.  That's not this person.

When it comes to a really significant lie like this one remorse is a step in the right direction. It's not nearly enough if a healthy relationship is to continue.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I agree but you described him with negative language about his particular views on drug use - not just about his attempting to impose them on her.  I agree with the latter but I agree with Seraphim (we are on the same page as far as drugs/alcohol it seems) that you came across judging him for not being ok with occasional illegal drug use.  I agree this is not going to work if he insists going forward she adheres to his standards - it's silly of him because they have incompatible values -she thinks if she occasionally used illegal drugs it would be ok values-wise (and she will not only to please him) and he doesn't think it would be ok - he needs to be with a person who doesn't use drugs because drug use is incompatible with her values.  That's not this person.

When it comes to a really significant lie like this one remorse is a step in the right direction. It's not nearly enough if a healthy relationship is to continue.

Fair enough and yes at first I did negatively judge him for his views on occasional drug use, I was wrong to do so although I still think he could lighten up a bit about it, but basically they're his standards and he's entitled to them.

It was later after that I changed and now I believe he should simply leave versus impose his standards on her.