Is it okay to go out with people from the opposite sex when in a relationship ?

[9882982]

Hello, I am 25 F and I am dating 35M. He is really good to me, no one ever was treating me that well. But, here is the problem. I am jealous. I don't find it okay if he is going out with women. He works eith 2 F collegues, and that evening they called him to go to a Halloween party. Just to mention we don't live together, our relationship is from a distance for now and we see each other when we can. I told him clearly that I won't get it okay if he go out with them. He told me that he won't because he will sleep. I don't want to lose him, but for me, eventually will happen to go out with women friends or colleagues. I don't do it, because i know that he is jealous so i don't go out with boys friends or colleagues. I don't want him to lie to me, which can be the first actions when you know that your partner would get mad. But i want equality. He told me at the beginning that he doesn't find normal man and woman to be friends. But i guess that is what happens usually - he is going to see women friends, but when i do, it's gonna be a problem. How can I talk about these things with him without making me look crazy. Actually when I trust someone I'm okay with many things. And I have to point that I don't mind talking to female friends from time to time, i don't want him to lose all friendships. 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, 9882982 said:

 - he is going to see women friends, but when i do, it's gonna be a problem. 

How long have you been dating? How far apart are you and how often do you see each other? 

Simply don't accept a double standard. Do not allow anyone to isolate, control or dictate your friendships. Keep your friends and he keeps his. 

If you don't trust him, that's a different story and perhaps distance relationships aren't the right thing for you. 

Consider dating someone local who you can see regularly and have some sort of social life with. Distance relationships are frustrating, difficult, lonely and often things like this situation happen.

Reconsider the relationship if he's controlling, possessive or you don't trust him. Is this the same man?:

 

[9882982]

 this is the man i met on the family event. We are dating from about a month. Actually he is a big support for me and helps me to get through many situations like my health problems, always is so kind and i would say mature. I have trust in him, but i've been through many awful relationships and i have some issues. He knows it, but he helps. And yes, the distance is very tough thing. We are 300 km apart. I don't have a driver license, i work ot day and night shifts, he works from monday to Friday and it's  bit difficult to manage the dates. I am planning to get my driver license but it's not gonna happen these months, maybe soon, but not now. I don't mind the distance as long as we keep each other close and if things work out i would move. 

[Batya33]

28 minutes ago, 9882982 said:

 this is the man i met on the family event. We are dating from about a month. Actually he is a big support for me and helps me to get through many situations like my health problems, always is so kind and i would say mature. I have trust in him, but i've been through many awful relationships and i have some issues. He knows it, but he helps. And yes, the distance is very tough thing. We are 300 km apart. I don't have a driver license, i work ot day and night shifts, he works from monday to Friday and it's  bit difficult to manage the dates. I am planning to get my driver license but it's not gonna happen these months, maybe soon, but not now. I don't mind the distance as long as we keep each other close and if things work out i would move. 

How many times have you met him in person? If you can't see each other at least 2-3 times a month and you have health issues I'd end it now IMO.  

Your question depends on: the couples' decision as a couple, whether the opposite sex friends know about the person's relationship and are supportive of it and again -it's up to each couple.  I've had male friends for about the last 44 years.  Over the years I've had close male platonic friends and remained friends with certain exes.

My husband has had female platonic friends most of his life.  We don't go out on dates with anyone of course and we don't play with fire and in the 20 plus years I've known him we've only had very very minor issues on this topic -issues that were quickly resolved because we love, trust and respect each other and feel the same about friendships including opposite sex friendships.  

I personally would not give up any close male friends for a partner as long as the male friend acted in a respectful and supportive way.  And I wouldn't ask him to give up any close platonic female friends.  

[9882982]

But what about the collegues? They work everyday together, plus going out?

We've seen each other for like 5-6 times this month, for 1-3 days each meeting. Depends on what shifts i have. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, 9882982 said:

But what about the collegues? They work everyday together, plus going out?

We've seen each other for like 5-6 times this month, for 1-3 days each meeting. Depends on what shifts i have. 

People very often go out with colleagues after work especially if it will help their careers/job situations.

[9882982]

Maybe the problem is in me, I just don't find it okay for 1 man and 2 women hanging out like .. I am not talking about something from the holding, like when all collegues go out. I will also go on a Christmas gathering but with all the collegues, not only with the males

[Batya33]

I think it's fine when it's work related.  

[catfeeder]

You've been dating him for one month. How long has he held this job with these women? Do you believe that if he wanted to be with either of them, he could have made that happen before he decided that you are the one for him?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, 9882982 said:

. I told him clearly that I won't get it okay if he go out with them. He told me that he won't because he will sleep.. How can I talk about these things with him without making me look crazy. 

You already spoke to him and he told you he's not going. Whether that's true or not you'll never know. You can't stop him (or each other) from having friends and socializing. Especially since you barely know each other and you are at a distance.  It's toxic to try to control each other like this. It's not going to work out if neither of you is allowed to have friends and socialize.

Please don't punish him for the horrible exbf who was still involved with the mother of his child. He was a creep. But if you have baggage from the past and bring that to new relationships, it will make the new relationship toxic.

See how this goes. Try to have more confidence in yourself and others..

[9882982]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's fine when it's work related.  

It's not related with work, just a hangout the three of them. He works there from august-September. I won't stop him, but i know that he won't feel great about me hanging out and drinking with my male colleagues. 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, 9882982 said:

It's not related with work, just a hangout the three of them. He works there from august-September. I won't stop him, but i know that he won't feel great about me hanging out and drinking with my male colleagues. 

Yes it is work related -in a professional environment often important conversations go on at these hangouts and networking.  What if he is invited to a sporting event and it turns out only two women can go -is he supposed to cancel? Those women could move on to other companies and be in a position to hire him or recommend him to be hired and  they will know him better because they spent time socializing after work.

No I don't think he should meet up with a female colleague at a romantic restaurant on a Saturday night when they are not at work/have been working and no he should not hang out one on one after work alone at one of their homes with rare exception -that's also very risky as far as professional reputation.  That is not this.  

[MissCanuck]

I have no problem with opposite-sex friendships, as long as boundaries are respected and they don't compromise the integrity of a relationship. 

But I am not you. What is okay for me doesn't have to be okay for you. You are allowed to feel however you feel, and find a partner whose views are similar. 

I will tell you this: beware of any boyfriend who operates on a double-standard for himself and for you. 

[Kwothe28]

I dont understand: He forbids you to hang out with other men or you just dont do it because you know he is also jealous? Because on the other thread you were literally involved with another man at the time you met and kiss and you had deep feelings for another man. Which is, as Ive said there, quite messy by itself. And counts as hanging out with other men and literal cheating if you continued that.

Anyway, I am sorry but I think you are projecting. And that you know you cant trust yourself if you found yourself with other men so you dont trust him with other women too. Which is maybe a fair observation because going to a Halloween party with 2 ladies is a bit suspicious. Not to mention hypocritical if he forbids you that you cant go out with other men. Which again takes me back to my initial point. That you are a mess and that it reflects at your relationships as well. Suspicious men, your lack of trust, its all reflection of that. And until you overcome that, this is the quality of relationships you will be getting.

[redswim30]

Generally, 

YES.  It's perfectly to go out with people of the opposite gender to hang out as friends.  MOST people do, especially if they are not married.  But even a lot of married people do.   Now there's nothing wrong with not liking it, but you and your partner have to be on the same page.  However, I will tell you- we live in a co-ed world.  So if you are the type that gets easily jealous, this could be an ongoing struggle for you. 

You are long distance, so I find it a bit odd for you to be this jealous.  

I don't honestly see what sort of foundation you have with this man for a real relationship. 

If I were you, I'd get myself to a counselor.  You need to sort through your past mistakes and baggage.  You cannot hold the mistakes of past relationships and project them onto a new partner.  That's not fair.  You also need to sort thru your own past mistakes and how that may be clouding your judgement. 

IMO, this relationship isn't for you.  You already have double standards, don't trust each other and are long distance.  I don't see how this is going to work. 

[smackie9]

How to deal with this? Don't date someone like him in a LDR. So what if he is supportive....that isn't enough to sustain a comfortable relationship. You two believe in different things....that leaves you incompatible. You are not dating the right person. Don't date someone that you feel needs to change for you or you need to change for them. This is not working out. 

[Wiseman2]

Opposite sex friends are fine . Double standards are not . Unfortunately this new and challenging distance situation doesn't seem to be working out. Step back and observe if you're compatible and cut out for distance relationships. 

[Andrina]

Aren't the beginning of relationships meant for vetting? If you both have opposing views on major things, jealousy when it's not warranted, and the bad outweighs the good, isn't this a sign you're not compatible with one another?

Learn to walk away when you see major differences. It seems you haven't learned that their are certain issues you can communicate about to improve a relationship, and some things that if you ask a person to stop, he/she will resent you in the end. Best to find someone you are on the same page with in all major areas from the get-go.