Caught feelings for a female co-worker

[benefitstatement1]

A year ago, I (36M) started a new job and hit it off with a colleague, a few years older (39F). We have a small team of 6, me and her and 4 others. Over time, we realized we're practically neighbors, just a 5-minute walk apart. We're a work-from-the-office and work-from-home type of environment. We always grab lunch in the office, and even on remote days, we grab lunch in our hood. We're constantly laughing, sharing inside jokes, and work really well together. It's pretty evident around the office that me and her are closer than everyone else. On top of that, she texts me outside of work almost everyday, we often meet outside of working hours and go for drinks, food, walks, shopping, etc.

 

Here's the problem – she's got a boyfriend ten years older (about 50), and their relationship is far from typical. They don't live together, no marriage or kids on the horizon. She barely sees him and often works a second job. Heck, even on her vacations or her birthday he's a no-show. She's chill about their sporadic communication, but it raises eyebrows when she talks about him to other female co-workers.

 

I've always had a thing for her, but as we hang out more, my feelings grow stronger. I've had my share of relationships in the past and hookups this year from dating apps, but she's the only one I want. When we drink, we get cozy and close, and she often reaches for my arm or gets really close when we laugh. It feels like there's something between us, and in any other scenario, I'd have made a move a long time ago. If I was her boyfriend and knew she is that close with a dude from work who also happens to be her neighbor, I don't think I would like it.

 

Here's my dilemma: Do I go for it and risk messing up everything? If I don't, I'm stuck feeling this way, torn between good times and a nagging feeling of not taking a leap. Every encounter with her is a rollercoaster – highs because we have a blast, but lows because not being together stings.

 

 Any advice or thoughts would be very appreciated.

[Andrina]

42 minutes ago, benefitstatement1 said:

She barely sees him and often works a second job. Heck, even on her vacations or her birthday he's a no-show. She's chill about their sporadic communication

Perhaps the way their relationship is, is exactly how she likes it. Lots of independence. They have no children and aren't cohabiting, so it'd be very easy to leave if she wanted to.

 

45 minutes ago, benefitstatement1 said:

If I was her boyfriend and knew she is that close with a dude from work who also happens to be her neighbor, I don't think I would like it.

 

So you know how she operates, and you wouldn't expect the same behavior from her--doing this with another guy--if you became her boyfriend?

Or do you think you'd be so special to her that you'd finally be the one she doesn't betray in this manner? That's called naivety, if so, because what you see is what you get.

Firstly, she's not good gf material and you having the hots for her is clouding your good judgement. Secondly, it's unethical to share that you have romantic feelings with a taken woman.

My advice is to no longer eat lunch together and no longer see each other outside of work. You can bow out gradually if you wish, to prevent questions from her. If she starts asking questions, you might want to mention that when you start dating someone, that certain someone might start questioning how much time you're spending with a female co-worker, so you find it best to nip that in the bud before it becomes a habit.

Because all the time and emotional energy you put toward an unobtainable woman eats up the time you could be using to find a gf, which you obviously want. It's affecting you negatively already, since you have no desire to bond with anyone else. And you will drive away any dating prospects, who won't be dumb about you being hung up on this co-worker.

Not the answer you wanted, but life is hard and sometimes you have to make decisions that are hard in the moment, but are necessary. Take care and keep us updated.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, benefitstatement1 said:

Here's the problem – she's got a boyfriend 

Unfortunately you seem to be developing a crush on a coworker that is in a relationship. However you seem to know that this isn't a good situation. 

Does she talk about her relationship with you? Since you have feelings and are worried about complicating the friendship and work environment, try to start distancing yourself a bit.

Since her BF is away a lot it seems she enjoys your company as sort of an ersatz BF or male-girlfriend. 

Perhaps step back and date other women. It seems she likes the attention and convenience but it sounds frustrating for you.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, benefitstatement1 said:

On top of that, she texts me outside of work almost everyday, we often meet outside of working hours and go for drinks, food, walks, shopping, etc.

Tell me, how do you like being "replacement boyfriend"? Because that is all you are and will be there. Somebody who, in the absence of boyfriend, fills in for him. But without a benefits of being a real boyfriend. 

I suggest you stop doing all that. She already has a boyfriend. She just wants your attention because boyfriend doesnt give her one. If she ever breaks up with boyfriend then maybe you can pursue her. But as of now, its not smart thing to do. As you would be getting into "affair" teritory. Not only that but it would be "office affair". Which is even worst as if it goes awry, you still have to work closely with her every single day. This has "bad" written all over it.

[smackie9]

She's just using you atm...because of things lacking in her relationship. So stop being her second hand shelp. Stop pretend dating her. If you want her that bad ask her to breakup with her BF so you can date her.             

Say Hey how serious is your relationship with this guy?  Then take it from there.                                               

[Sindy_0311]

I agree with what has been said. 
Also have to ask you whether there is a chance she actually knows you like her? Try to see it from her perspective, what signs of interest did you give her? (I beg there are plenty) if so, I think the ball is in her court to make a move, because after all,  she is the taken one…  

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, benefitstatement1 said:

Here's my dilemma: Do I go for it and risk messing up everything?

Think .... about your question.

Maybe its time to STOP all of this 'after work encounters', texting etc. And keep it all to a bare minimum?

You work with her and is best to remain that way, out of respect and lessen chance of any more awkwardness.

[jul-els]

Short answer, don’t date your co-workers. Not worth muddying the lines between your personal and professional life. Could get messy and it’s avoidable. If it were me in your situation, I would dial back my interaction with her, keep it professional and find someone outside of work to take a romantic interest in. But that’s me. Just my 2 cents. 

[benefitstatement1]

Thanks guys for the feedback. All makes sense, my judgment was obviously clouded. I'll dial back on interactions with her other than work and pursue other women.

[lostandhurt]

You are definitely filling a void but being a seat filler with non of the benefits is a crappy place to be.

Back off and when she asks why simply tell her the truth.  "You have a bf and I think we have become way to close and my feelings have started to go from friendship to more than friends so I think it is best that we don't spend so much alone time together"

 She will ask so tell her the truth then it is out there so if she ever ends things with Houdini bf who knows.

Lost