Time to let go?

[JohnJawn]

Don't know where to begin. I've been with my girlfriend for over 2 years.  When we met she had just gotten out of long term relationship and we maybe didn't do the best job of taking things slow. This led to some rocky times. We eventually parted ways but ended up staying in touch and rekindling things 4 months later. Things haven't been perfect but they have been mostly good. We both have seemingly been putting in the effort to make things work. We get along really well and have similar personalities. 

While we were split up she reached back out to her ex to ask him to meet for lunch. He declined. Since we weren't together I let it go. 9 months later things seem to be going ok. I go out of town for the weekend and it happened again. This time she asked if he would meet her for coffee because she had some things she wanted to discuss with him. I don't know what to make of this. I understand how hard it can be to move on. It's something I greatly struggled with in the past. At least he didn't respond. 

It is possible she wanted to conduct a post mortem to see where things went wrong or maybe to give herself closure.  I can't say this for sure. He was the one who ended things with her. The other possibility, which I also don't know, is it a last ditch effort on her part to get back with him? The thing is it's her and not him initiating contact. 

I'm questioning if this is something to cut the relationship off all together which is hard because I see her being in life for all of it.  If we split up again this time there's isn't any going back. I don't know weather to take a firm line or just let it go. Nothing happened but still she violated a major boundary. Seeking out her ex is the one thing that I was clear would be a deal breaker. 

 

[Andrina]

You discussed your boundaries clearly. She doesn't fear losing you by breaking a boundary so isn't that clear to you she doesn't value the relationship as a partner should? Whatever she wanted to get out of communicating to and meeting up with an ex took priority over respecting the integrity of your relationship, plus your feelings over the matter.

I can only say that would be a dealbreaker for me. You only get one go around on the planet and picking a prime partner is of utmost importance. You can start over at any age. I did and am happy for it.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, JohnJawn said:

Don't know where to begin. I've been with my girlfriend for over 2 years.  This led to some rocky times. We eventually parted ways but ended up staying in touch and rekindling things 4 months later. 

. I go out of town for the weekend and it happened again. This time she asked if he would meet her for coffee because she had some things she wanted to discuss with him.

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together?  How old is she? Does she have children  with this ex? Were they married? How long ago did they break up and why?

What are the arguments and breakups about? Why did you break up for 4 months? 

What exactly does she have to discuss with him? Unfortunately it seems she is on/off with him and trying to negotiate getting back together. "Closure" was when they broke up. 

Please speak frankly with her about why she is dating her ex. It's obviously inappropriate. 

[JohnJawn]

We've been discussing living together but do not currently. We're both in our mid-30's. Her and the ex were never married. They were together for 8 years. He has 3 sons from a previous marriage but they do not have any together. 

We broke up over her drinking. I'm not a big drinker and wasn't comfortable with it. Her uncle passed in a drunk driving incident and it led to her wanting to change. 

I don't know what she has to discuss with him. Her messages to him were pretty direct. "I only need a yes or no answer. Will you meet me for lunch on Wednesday?" and "Can we meet for coffee? I am free over the weekend and have some things to discuss". So at least it's not like she is trying to flirt or saying how much she misses him. As far as I know she hasn't actually seen him. 

He seems to not want anything to do with her. To be honest she cheated on him and it was a bad breakup. He's also aware of our relationship. We met 8 months after it ended and she had moved out. At this point it's been over 2.5 years. I don't think she ever got closure knowing that she was responsible. So there is a part of me that says it may be for her to fully move on. I don't know? 

 

[Capricorn3]

To answer the question "Time to let go?" - YES.

[JohnJawn]

Maybe I should add I broached on the topic yesterday. I asked her if we are at the point in our relationship where she still needs to have his number. She said no and she offered to delete it. And she did. Then I asked if things were so bad in their relationship why did you continue to try and see him when we first met. Her response was that it wasn't all bad but that relationship is over and they will never get back together. I've come to accept that. 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, JohnJawn said:

We broke up over her drinking. 

  "Can we meet for coffee? I am free over the weekend and have some things to discuss". To be honest she cheated on him and it was a bad breakup. 

Does she still have a drinking problem? Do you read her messages or does she volunteer this information? It's unclear why she's chasing him down.

Please reconsider the relationship, especially if she has a history of cheating, problem drinking and now, stalking her ex.

Please get some information and support for yourself:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

[JohnJawn]

I wouldn't say she is stalking her ex. She has sent a few texts but that's it. I wouldn't say her drinking is a problem either. She hasn't had a drink since February. She stopped after the situation with the uncle and not because of me so I have faith in her. 

The messages I read. This doesn't excuse my behavior but I have trust issue and the sole purpose was to see if she was still contacting her ex. Unfortunately, I got the answer I didn't want. 

We've been going to couples counseling and she has been trying really hard. I want to give the benefit of doubt. She goes out of her way to make me feel special and is always doing good things for my mom. Since the information wasn't volunteered it makes me also the AH and it's not really something I am looking forward to bring up.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, JohnJawn said:

She goes out of her way to make me feel special

Do you feel special when she pursues her ex for "closure?" 

Do you often pursue drama/train wreck situations?

[JohnJawn]

Yea I know. I was hoping somebody might take her side and say it's what she needs to move on. It's hard when you've been cheering for this person and see so much in them. It sucks.

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[shouldhavelearned]

Once, yeah

Twice, move in

[catfeeder]

I don't understand the timeline. Were these messages 2 years ago? Did you just find about about them recently?

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, JohnJawn said:

I was hoping somebody might take her side and say it's what she needs to move on.

Why would that make it any better? If anything, it's worse. 

Why? Because it means her heart and mind aren't with you. They're with him. People in that place have no business being in a relationship with someone else. 

You need to finally let go of her. This is never going to work out well for you. 

 

[JohnJawn]

10 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I don't understand the timeline. Were these messages 2 years ago? Did you just find about about them recently?

The first one was in January when we were split up. The 2nd time happened last week. I knew about the first one but since we were not together at the time I let it go knowing her codependency.  

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, JohnJawn said:

The first one was in January when we were split up. The 2nd time happened last week. I knew about the first one but since we were not together at the time I let it go knowing her codependency.  

Okay, thanks. This is the kind of stuff that is pretty typical with rebound relationships. They start out on a fabulous high, but then the rebounder lands in a funk at some point—weeks or months or years later, and the partner gets a speech about what a terrific person they are, “…BUT I really should have taken enough time solo between relationships to find myself…”

When a person doesn’t stabilize after a breakup before jumping into another relationship, that often comes back to bite the new couple. Have you noticed?

Nobody here can speak for GFs stability beyond the fact that you’ve been on-and-off, and she’s reached out to her ex more than once, and even recently.

So the question becomes, is grappling with this state of concern the way you want to live? 

[SooSad33]

On 10/29/2023 at 5:16 PM, JohnJawn said:

He seems to not want anything to do with her. To be honest she cheated on him and it was a bad breakup. He's also aware of our relationship. We met 8 months after it ended and she had moved out.

So, she cheated on him.. and is a drinker?  Oh boy 😕 .

Well, sounds like she is not all in this - not over HIM and is emotionally cheating on YOU now.  is this what you want in a relationship?

I rid of my first ex, who was a drinker.  IF she is an alcy, that's what she;ll pretty much be 'married to' 😉 .

IMO, You are more into this than she is.  Sounds like she is not over him. ( As mentioned above, a rebound, no good & they hurt) :/. .

Save yourself from this torment! Be with someone who is stable and does appreciate you in a healthy manner.

 

[jul-els]

If that’s your boundary, then you need to stick to it. Otherwise there is no boundary. It’s 100% in your control. You decide.