worst anniversary ever… what do i do to fix it

[throwaway12345]

me and my bf (both college students) have been together for a while. but we have never really celebrated an anniversary. this is our longest relationship. and because it is close to halloween i wanted to do something special. i thought in honor of the spooky season that we could go on a nice date to a pumpkin patch, right? wrong. i start the hour long drive to get there but need to stop for gas. i took out my card and paid. he was visibly upset, and said that he wanted to pay for my gas since i was driving. we get into the car when he gives me money for my gas (which was more than i actually spent) i figured to save a fight, i would take the money and give it back later. we get back on the road. we go to the pumpkin patch, where he pays again. i was upset this time, and he told me that i could just pay for dinner. i agree, but still felt a lot of guilt about not paying my own way. here’s where it goes more wrong than it already did. we enter the corn maze. and it is an absolute mud pit. it was out of both of our control, but it really set the tone of the rest of the day with tensions already being high due to the semi fight about paying. now we are still trying to be cheery as we are sloshing around in the mud, slipping and sliding. we must have been in there for 5 minutes, and he grabbed my butt. i was upset. i felt like it was really outta pocket, and i was already in a bad mood. so i decided to give the good old silent treatment. i get that it was immature of me, and i regret acting that way. i was just really in the moment. now i want you to picture this muddy corn maze, in dead silence, and quiet resentment building and building with every dead end we stumble across. i wanted him to apologize. to break the uncomfortable silence. but he didn’t. so we continued our time, trying to partake of the other activities offered at this pumpkin patch. when we leave, he asks to stop by our local mall to walk around with me. i agree because i don’t want to make things worse, but i’m still being pretty much mute. we go to the mall where he drags me to a store to try and find the pants i had my eye on. there was one pair left, but the wrong size. i wear a medium. and the pair was an extra large. we checked the tag, and i said ah wrong size. and he goes, extra large? are you sure it won’t fit? now i understand if he didn’t mean this in a negative way. but he is well aware of my body image issues and to me this was the icing on the cake. i also don’t want him trying to buy me things to make me “happy” after a fight. i ask to leave, and he agrees. we go back to my car where he looks at me and asks “did today suck” and i said that it could’ve been way worse but it was not great but his efforts to try and make it a good day meant a lot to me. we make the drive back. and i stop in his apartment to give him his present. which i put a lot of thought into. he cried reading the card that i made, and seemed to enjoy the gifts. i am not a materialistic person. so i feel bad for saying that i was upset that i didn’t have anything. i know he paid for the actual date and i was supposed to cover dinner, but with the way things went, we just went home. he offered to walk me back to my place, but i said no. so i walked back in the rain, crying. he texted an apology and said he would try and make up for everything, but i said to not worry about it because i now think anniversaries are cursed. and don’t want anything to do with them anymore. which i understand is probably immature. i left his message on read, waiting for some other message to come in. and nothing. i know the ball is in my court now, and i know i should apologize for acting immature. the silent treatment doesn’t get you anywhere. but i really don’t know what to say or do to fix this. if you read everything this far, thank you. i am fully open to hearing any kind of advice. 

[Seraphim]

I would just apologize. He apologized so should you. Let it go , in the grand scheme of life it is all petty crap. 

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, throwaway12345 said:

i thought in honor of the spooky season that we could go on a nice date to a pumpkin patch, right? wrong. i start the hour long drive to get there but need to stop for gas. i took out my card and paid. he was visibly upset, and said that he wanted to pay for my gas since i was driving. we get into the car when he gives me money for my gas (which was more than i actually spent) i figured to save a fight, i would take the money and give it back later. we get back on the road.

we go to the pumpkin patch, where he pays again. i was upset this time, and he told me that i could just pay for dinner. i agree, but still felt a lot of guilt about not paying my own way. here’s where it goes more wrong than it already did. we enter the corn maze. and it is an absolute mud pit. it was out of both of our control, but it really set the tone of the rest of the day with tensions already being high due to the semi fight about paying.

now we are still trying to be cheery as we are sloshing around in the mud, slipping and sliding. we must have been in there for 5 minutes, and he grabbed my butt. i was upset. i felt like it was really outta pocket, and i was already in a bad mood. so i decided to give the good old silent treatment. i get that it was immature of me, and i regret acting that way. i was just really in the moment. now i want you to picture this muddy corn maze, in dead silence, and quiet resentment building and building with every dead end we stumble across. i wanted him to apologize. to break the uncomfortable silence. but he didn’t. so we continued our time, trying to partake of the other activities offered at this pumpkin patch.

when we leave, he asks to stop by our local mall to walk around with me. i agree because i don’t want to make things worse, but i’m still being pretty much mute. we go to the mall where he drags me to a store to try and find the pants i had my eye on. there was one pair left, but the wrong size. i wear a medium. and the pair was an extra large. we checked the tag, and i said ah wrong size. and he goes, extra large? are you sure it won’t fit? now i understand if he didn’t mean this in a negative way. but he is well aware of my body image issues and to me this was the icing on the cake.

First of all, you say you've been involved 'a while'.  How long is that?

I will be honest, I do see him trying hard enough, to try & please you/ get along.

But, what you BOTH need to do is learn how to work together.....  Was there maybe something underlying on your end to why you just felt so 'crappy' on this day?  😕 

Yes, I can understand him wanting to pay for gas etc ( and have NO ONE get upset about it).  Again, I ask.. WHY were you upset about that?  Weren't you going to pay for dinner? .  

Just sounds like you two are clashing a little, over the 'small things'.  Maybe you could have just chilled for the day & watched movies, ordered in, etc- if it was a crappy day? ( Just an idea..).

As I mentioned, to work together, meaning make sure you communicate and respect one another. Eg, Maybe he pays for gas this trip and you next time or he cover gas and you do the meal.  It should not ruin someone's day though!

As for his 'comment' on the pants, that's again something to let go....

1) he's male. They really are clueless re: women & their clothes, so learn to never let that stuff get under your skin 😉 .. And 2).  he was trying to please you - right?  You knew this?  So, the thought should count. And again, re: communication, explain to him you are Med, not X large.  Let him learn something about you.  And as for you and your thoughts on this ( because of you insecurites?).  Yeah, that's on you.  Only you know how you feel about yourself.  Because, It does sound like he's pretty decent and your mood isn't his fault.. right?  😉 

All in all, I feel like there's a bit of internal issue's going on with you, which maybe you can consider looking into?  Especially if it's affecting your relationship in some negatives.

Because, from how I see this... You were just downright upset the whole day about things that should not be setting you off to this extent, you agree? ( As you said, it was the worst anniversary Ever!, but this is life 🙂 stuff happens, we learn to let a lot of it go.

So, how about you get a good nights rest and see how you feel tomorrow?  Hopefully the sun is shining and so is you smile 🙂 .

 

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Communication

Once the heat rises, stop and pause for a bit.

If it's a mud pit, maybe don't continue.

Let him pay and say you got next.

[catfeeder]

I don't understand what you perceive to be the 'wrongness' other than that you chose to be in a lousy mood--with everything--and your BF didn't know what to do with that, so he could do no right by you.

That's on you.

If you want to sabotage your own spirit at any given moment, that's not against the law. You'll just need to accept the consequences--you'll feel awful, and your lover will feel awful, and there is really no up side to plunging there. 

That's the cost of self-indulgence. Sorry.

[1a1a]

I know when something puts you in a bad mood it’s hard to shake it off but a skill really worth learning.

From your partners end he might be pretty perplexed you got so upset about him wanting to pay since on the surface that does look like he’s trying to express his affection for you. You feel how you feel and there’s nothing wrong with that but a calm conversation with him later where you mention that this is a quirk with you, it means a lot for you to evenly pay your way and not just let your partner pay for it all and you know he was trying to be loving and are sorry you got in such a funk. Well you learn something about each other from that day. This conversation will be the best if you can tell him what you’d like to have happen next time. (Also open the floor for him to express his feelings about how the rest of the day went. Same deal with the bum grab. It’s not your jam and he knows that going forward but that’s a pretty conventional boyfriend girlfriend flirty kind of thing to do. )

[MissCanuck]

You both sound immautre, to be very blunt.

7 hours ago, throwaway12345 said:

still felt a lot of guilt about not paying my own way

What the heck is this about? I don't get why it's such a problem for either of you to be treated by the other. Why are you so mad that you own boyfriend tried to pay your way? 

What I am getting is that there is a backstory here about why you two seem so tense around each other, and why you both pick fights over ridiculous things. There is resentment under the surface here. What is the history between you two, and what other problems have you had? I guarantee this latest dust-up isn't really about gas or corn-maze entry fees. So what is it you're actually upset about? 

7 hours ago, throwaway12345 said:

he texted an apology and said he would try and make up for everything, but i said to not worry about it because i now think anniversaries are cursed. and don’t want anything to do with them anymore. which i understand is probably immature. i left his message on read, waiting for some other message to come in. and nothing.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Not only is your behaviour immature here, but it's also a pretty rude and mean way to treat someone - especially your partner. I would dump a guy if he treated me like this. Is this how you normally conduct yourself? Being crappy to him to gain the upper hand and get him to chase you? That's how it looks, girl. Keep it up and there will really be no more anniversaries to celebrate, because you will not have a boyfriend anymore. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, throwaway12345 said:

 he offered to walk me back to my place, but i said no. so i walked back in the rain, crying. he texted an apology and said he would try and make up for everything.

Try to be more organized when planning dates. What's up with the power struggle about paying? 

Please rethink pouting and acting like a victim as a means of communication.  Inflicting this type of manipulation and drama on people is extremely draining. 

[Batya33]

Agree with the others. The first thing I thought when I read about the muddy corn maze is this could have been a day you both laughed and laughed about for years.  Including the muddy butt grab.

When my future husband and I dated first time around he took me on my first trip to Paris. We'd only been dating a few months.  He got food poisoning on the second day.  He was doubled over in pain at a famous museum then got sick on a famous Paris street, and me with my emetophobia (still didn't even know there was a name for it).  But we also were told by an elderly couple how cute we looked together and the hotel cleaning person arranged my cute PJS in a very romantic way on our bed lol.  We also missed a bus because of his poor scheduling (no internet back then -1995), which I got irritated at-likely too much so but got over it fast.  Oh and the gate agent put my passport down the luggage chute when we checked in to go home.  

I have great memories of that trip -so does he- traveling -even to a corn maze- can be full of roadblocks/dirt/bodily fluids/misplaced schedules/misplaced travel documents.  Last year day before Thanksgiving husband discovered he couldn't find the key fob for our car and we were hundreds of miles from home -took him almost 2 hours to find it, many phone calls and clock ticking (you try getting help right before a major holiday).

Number of arguments about it - zero.  Number of arguments/comments about his carelessness/the wasted time -my needing to rearrange all plans with our son - zero.  He's misplaced a number of things in the decades I've known him. It's annoying.  This could have been a total stress-fest with nitpicking/venting/complaining. I told my 13 year old son "now that he found the key fob when he meets up with us -say NOTHING except that you're so happy he found it.  If he says he was stupid/careless -say that it's all good - let's make sure he enjoys the rest of the day."

It's all a choice.  All relationships can fall prey to the small stuff, the smaller irritations, and it's all about the overall perspective and the work of choosing your tone, your words -or choosing silence -comfortable silence or comfortable space - you're a team - you let things slide - if possible - then you have memories of some chaos, some laughter, and lots of fun moment with no pall cast over it because of ridiculous mud wrestling.  Your choice -JMHO from an older married lady who is very much Type A and very much married to a Type B.

[throwaway12345]

i’d like to start this off by thanking you for saying all of this. after some time alone i really did a lot of reflecting. did i feel sorry about my interpretation of the situation? - not really. but did i feel awful about my reaction to it? - absolutely. he doesn’t deserve to be treated that way, and i know that. tensions have been high due to a lot of stuff we have going on in our personal lives, and though we both try to support each other, it can get hard sometimes. i decided to redo our anniversary. i cooked him his favorite food (got the recipe from his mom) and afterwards have a long hard talk that we both needed. i think the biggest problem is a lack of understanding on both of our ends. regarding the money thing, we have both felt the need to be providers for our families. i have always felt like such a burden if someone pays for me, but that is MY problem. not his. and i left the floor open to him to open up about his thoughts and feelings. i really listened to what he had to say and we both thought of ways that we could work on things. relationships aren’t easy. but at the end of the day, i do really love him. i know this post looked bad on my end. and i do take accountability for my actions in behaving so immaturely and i made sure to give a heartfelt apology to him. words only hold the weight that one gives them, but i will make sure that my actions line up as we move forward together. 

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Agree with the others. The first thing I thought when I read about the muddy corn maze is this could have been a day you both laughed and laughed about for years.  Including the muddy butt grab.

When my future husband and I dated first time around he took me on my first trip to Paris. We'd only been dating a few months.  He got food poisoning on the second day.  He was doubled over in pain at a famous museum then got sick on a famous Paris street, and me with my emetophobia (still didn't even know there was a name for it).  But we also were told by an elderly couple how cute we looked together and the hotel cleaning person arranged my cute PJS in a very romantic way on our bed lol.  We also missed a bus because of his poor scheduling (no internet back then -1995), which I got irritated at-likely too much so but got over it fast.  Oh and the gate agent put my passport down the luggage chute when we checked in to go home.  

I have great memories of that trip -so does he- traveling -even to a corn maze- can be full of roadblocks/dirt/bodily fluids/misplaced schedules/misplaced travel documents.  Last year day before Thanksgiving husband discovered he couldn't find the key fob for our car and we were hundreds of miles from home -took him almost 2 hours to find it, many phone calls and clock ticking (you try getting help right before a major holiday).

Number of arguments about it - zero.  Number of arguments/comments about his carelessness/the wasted time -my needing to rearrange all plans with our son - zero.  He's misplaced a number of things in the decades I've known him. It's annoying.  This could have been a total stress-fest with nitpicking/venting/complaining. I told my 13 year old son "now that he found the key fob when he meets up with us -say NOTHING except that you're so happy he found it.  If he says he was stupid/careless -say that it's all good - let's make sure he enjoys the rest of the day."

It's all a choice.  All relationships can fall prey to the small stuff, the smaller irritations, and it's all about the overall perspective and the work of choosing your tone, your words -or choosing silence -comfortable silence or comfortable space - you're a team - you let things slide - if possible - then you have memories of some chaos, some laughter, and lots of fun moment with no pall cast over it because of ridiculous mud wrestling.  Your choice -JMHO from an older married lady who is very much Type A and very much married to a Type B.

 

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Agree with the others. The first thing I thought when I read about the muddy corn maze is this could have been a day you both laughed and laughed about for years.  Including the muddy butt grab.

When my future husband and I dated first time around he took me on my first trip to Paris. We'd only been dating a few months.  He got food poisoning on the second day.  He was doubled over in pain at a famous museum then got sick on a famous Paris street, and me with my emetophobia (still didn't even know there was a name for it).  But we also were told by an elderly couple how cute we looked together and the hotel cleaning person arranged my cute PJS in a very romantic way on our bed lol.  We also missed a bus because of his poor scheduling (no internet back then -1995), which I got irritated at-likely too much so but got over it fast.  Oh and the gate agent put my passport down the luggage chute when we checked in to go home.  

I have great memories of that trip -so does he- traveling -even to a corn maze- can be full of roadblocks/dirt/bodily fluids/misplaced schedules/misplaced travel documents.  Last year day before Thanksgiving husband discovered he couldn't find the key fob for our car and we were hundreds of miles from home -took him almost 2 hours to find it, many phone calls and clock ticking (you try getting help right before a major holiday).

Number of arguments about it - zero.  Number of arguments/comments about his carelessness/the wasted time -my needing to rearrange all plans with our son - zero.  He's misplaced a number of things in the decades I've known him. It's annoying.  This could have been a total stress-fest with nitpicking/venting/complaining. I told my 13 year old son "now that he found the key fob when he meets up with us -say NOTHING except that you're so happy he found it.  If he says he was stupid/careless -say that it's all good - let's make sure he enjoys the rest of the day."

It's all a choice.  All relationships can fall prey to the small stuff, the smaller irritations, and it's all about the overall perspective and the work of choosing your tone, your words -or choosing silence -comfortable silence or comfortable space - you're a team - you let things slide - if possible - then you have memories of some chaos, some laughter, and lots of fun moment with no pall cast over it because of ridiculous mud wrestling.  Your choice -JMHO from an older married lady who is very much Type A and very much married to a Type B.

 

[throwaway12345]

12 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You both sound immautre, to be very blunt.

What the heck is this about? I don't get why it's such a problem for either of you to be treated by the other. Why are you so mad that you own boyfriend tried to pay your way? 

What I am getting is that there is a backstory here about why you two seem so tense around each other, and why you both pick fights over ridiculous things. There is resentment under the surface here. What is the history between you two, and what other problems have you had? I guarantee this latest dust-up isn't really about gas or corn-maze entry fees. So what is it you're actually upset about? 

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Not only is your behaviour immature here, but it's also a pretty rude and mean way to treat someone - especially your partner. I would dump a guy if he treated me like this. Is this how you normally conduct yourself? Being crappy to him to gain the upper hand and get him to chase you? That's how it looks, girl. Keep it up and there will really be no more anniversaries to celebrate, because you will not have a boyfriend anymore. 

thank you for the reply, genuinely. i’m not in any way trying to depend what i did, because i know it was childish and incredibly immature. there was tension beforehand. some issues unresolved that we tried to sweep under the rug. and that kind of thing never works. i can say that both of us do not normally act this way.  it was a build up of underlying problems, and for that i do take full accountability. i can confidently say that i will do anything in my power to make it up to him as we progress forward. but i wanted to really thank you for the reality check and not sugarcoating anything with me. 

[throwaway12345]

13 hours ago, 1a1a said:

I know when something puts you in a bad mood it’s hard to shake it off but a skill really worth learning.

From your partners end he might be pretty perplexed you got so upset about him wanting to pay since on the surface that does look like he’s trying to express his affection for you. You feel how you feel and there’s nothing wrong with that but a calm conversation with him later where you mention that this is a quirk with you, it means a lot for you to evenly pay your way and not just let your partner pay for it all and you know he was trying to be loving and are sorry you got in such a funk. Well you learn something about each other from that day. This conversation will be the best if you can tell him what you’d like to have happen next time. (Also open the floor for him to express his feelings about how the rest of the day went. Same deal with the bum grab. It’s not your jam and he knows that going forward but that’s a pretty conventional boyfriend girlfriend flirty kind of thing to do. )

thank you for the reply. we did have a long hard talk. and it seems that the root of everything was a big lack of understanding on both of our ends. relationships are hard to navigate, especially when mixing two cultures that differ exponentially. but i do love him, and i know how i acted was wrong and immature and quite frankly, stupid. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, throwaway12345 said:

thank you for the reply. we did have a long hard talk. and it seems that the root of everything was a big lack of understanding on both of our ends. relationships are hard to navigate, especially when mixing two cultures that differ exponentially. but i do love him, and i know how i acted was wrong and immature and quite frankly, stupid. 

So great that you two talked it out. 

[throwaway12345]

17 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

First of all, you say you've been involved 'a while'.  How long is that?

I will be honest, I do see him trying hard enough, to try & please you/ get along.

But, what you BOTH need to do is learn how to work together.....  Was there maybe something underlying on your end to why you just felt so 'crappy' on this day?  😕 

Yes, I can understand him wanting to pay for gas etc ( and have NO ONE get upset about it).  Again, I ask.. WHY were you upset about that?  Weren't you going to pay for dinner? .  

Just sounds like you two are clashing a little, over the 'small things'.  Maybe you could have just chilled for the day & watched movies, ordered in, etc- if it was a crappy day? ( Just an idea..).

As I mentioned, to work together, meaning make sure you communicate and respect one another. Eg, Maybe he pays for gas this trip and you next time or he cover gas and you do the meal.  It should not ruin someone's day though!

As for his 'comment' on the pants, that's again something to let go....

1) he's male. They really are clueless re: women & their clothes, so learn to never let that stuff get under your skin 😉 .. And 2).  he was trying to please you - right?  You knew this?  So, the thought should count. And again, re: communication, explain to him you are Med, not X large.  Let him learn something about you.  And as for you and your thoughts on this ( because of you insecurites?).  Yeah, that's on you.  Only you know how you feel about yourself.  Because, It does sound like he's pretty decent and your mood isn't his fault.. right?  😉 

All in all, I feel like there's a bit of internal issue's going on with you, which maybe you can consider looking into?  Especially if it's affecting your relationship in some negatives.

Because, from how I see this... You were just downright upset the whole day about things that should not be setting you off to this extent, you agree? ( As you said, it was the worst anniversary Ever!, but this is life 🙂 stuff happens, we learn to let a lot of it go.

So, how about you get a good nights rest and see how you feel tomorrow?  Hopefully the sun is shining and so is you smile 🙂 .

 

 

thank you so much for saying all of this. to give you a little update, after a long night of reflecting, i know that i was in the wrong. there were some unresolved issues, and trying to have that sappy romantic date clashes with that. i know i acted incredibly immaturely, and i’d be lying if i said that my guilt isn’t eating me alive. but that is my problem, not his. we had a long hard talk about things. and we are doing better. we didn’t understand where the other was coming from at all. we were both confused, and i acted emotionally when i shouldn’t have. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, throwaway12345 said:

. relationships are hard to navigate, especially when mixing two cultures that differ exponentially. 

How long have you been dating? Do either of you live with your families? Do you both go to the same university? How are your cultures "exponentially different"? 

[throwaway12345]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? Do either of you live with your families? Do you both go to the same university? How are your cultures "exponentially different"? 

we have been together for a year and a half which i get isn’t a crazy long time. we do not live with our families anymore. we go to the same university and live in close apartments. and we are both from immigrant parents of different races. whereas i am very reserved and private, he is not. which i didn’t understand until we had a talk with one another about everything 

[1a1a]

I’m really glad you two talked it out and gained some perspective. Sometimes in a relationship that can go the distance it’s not the rift but how the two of you repair it that’s significant. Good repairing skills is good sign 🙂

[smackie9]

Remember when you have lemons, you make lemonade. You both need to be mature and learn to make light of things, and please for the love of god communicate!...the both of you take such offence weirdly over minuet things. I tell ya, after being with someone (almost 34 years) you ain't seen nothing yet when it comes to tough times. Can't get weak over this crap. Tip: When planning a date/special day, etc, discuss where when how and who pays. If he steps in and wants to pay, let him...just let it go. Next, when you are in a poopy situation like a mud pit of a corn maze, no matter how much money is spent, just leave. Cut your losses and find something else. Even if your heart was set on it, never force it. 

I saw what happened here...he felt real guilty for not putting in any effort into this day/ no preparation, him wanting to pay for gas, him wanting to buy something you wanted etc. When you see your man floundering, you take him by the hand, look him in the eye and say it's ok, lets find something else, and make suggestions, figure it out. Learn to work together, not scrap it out because things are not going your way.