My (37F)EX messages me(43M) but she’s married!

[sunshine12345]

I met this amazing person back in 2012. We had such a good connection together. We would hang out all the time, go on random road trips, had amazing sexual chemistry! It was so different with her from all the other girls I’ve dated in the past! I felt she was my soulmate and truly believe this to this day she is!

However during that time when meeting her, I had not long split from an ex.. who was still lurking in the background. At that point I told the ex I had met someone new and didn’t want further contact from her. After this I got bombard with texts from her telling me she wanted me back etc. This truly gave me the biggest head *** ever, as I was caught in this love triangle with two women wanting me! The girl who I met became pregnant months after we met with my child but then lost it due to miscarriage.

I stupidly went back to the ex! A huge mistake! I spent the last 2/3yrs with her and I was so depressed. I was pining for the other girl every single day and I felt trapped as I couldn’t go back to her as me and the ex moved in together and this other girl eventually met someone else.

Fast forward 12 yrs now.. both are married and have kids! I’ve never had a relationship since… I’ve dated but nothing has got to a point to progress into a relationship. I have lived my whole time on regrets and stuck in this continuous cycle that never seems to end!

I recently got a message out the blue from the girl I got on so well with. She randomly messaged me on Facebook. She’s still married tho!

Anyway we’ve been messaging over the last few weeks and some of the messages are a mixture of every day life, to her saying she has been thinking about me all these years and that she still believes we are soulmates! She even goes on to say she has stalked my social media accounts over the years just to see how I was getting on! We can message away for a hours at a time.. and she mentions she loves speaking with me!

During one of the messages I suggested we should meet up one day and catch up. She dropped subtle hints the other day that she was going for a walk and said are you coming down to meet me. So the other night we did whilst her husband was at home with the kids!

She was telling me that she still loves me and that our connection was like nothing else. We chatted for a while and she said her husband isn’t like me. He isn’t tactile etc and it seems like he is currently depressed atm due to health issues happening with his parents. I then when on to ask her how they met and she said over the same dating site we had met on. But she then went on to say she didn’t find the attraction straight away with him. But I guess in time she did eventually! 

she has  also mentioned a few times maybe in the future we will be together but she doesn’t want me to put my life on hold if it doesn’t happen. She would however like to try and be friends with me! 

During our meet, she kept wanting hugs off me! Nothing else happened tho! 

I know this is very bad… but I still have feelings for her! It’s as if my feelings have resonated which were buried deep inside of me! She is the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. I have so much regrets, as I should have been the person she should have married and had kids with! I’ve always wanted that family unit and now as time is passing I feel I’ll never get that opportunity now! 

Last couple of days, I feel that she’s distanced her herself a bit. She isn’t saying the same things to me as before. Perhaps I’m overthinking and she’s busy with family life but I am feeling something  is up! 

I’m actually crying on in the inside as I should have been the one who should’ve been married to her and had kids with.

[Andrina]

So this woman was a brief, fun fling. You never experienced her through all the realities a long term relationship entails, such as the ex you lived with. So you've really only held the fantasy of this woman when in reality, you never even scratched the surface of who she is. Your head is still up in the clouds about her because you cannot see that a married woman who tries to begin a new romance without first ending the relationship she's in, is unethical, mentally unhealthy, and an extremely poor risk to your heart. Even if she got a divorce tomorrow, she and her children would need at least a good year without her distracted with dating, for them all to get used to the new dynamic of a changed family.

If she did become single, you know her poor ethics, so do you really think you're so special that when things got rocky with you, she wouldn't be reaching out to another man? 

How is it that you feel good about yourself, accepting communication from a taken woman that wouldn't be happening if her husband was listening in, and meeting up with her for hugs.

My suggestion, which you likely will balk at, but you will end up regretting if you don't take the advice: Block her. Don't date her if she becomes single because she does stuff behind her man's back. And then amp up your own dating life, pulling out all the stops. OLD, Meetup.com groups, lessons in dance or cooking or painting. Do volunteer work. Dating is a numbers game and if you're serious about finding a lifetime partner, it's like a part time job. 

Realize what you always thought would be a magical life with her was pure fantasy. Start living in the real world. Good luck.

[sunshine12345]

Hi thanks for your input. She wasn’t a fling. We were together 5 months. That might not seem long enough to get to know someone properly. But have you ever found yourself in a relationship that moves so quickly it feels like you’ve been with them for years? That’s how it felt. No one has ever made me have these feelings before and that deep connection! 
 

 

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, sunshine12345 said:

she has  also mentioned a few times maybe in the future we will be together but she doesn’t want me to put my life on hold if it doesn’t happen. She would however like to try and be friends with me! 

 

Let me translate that for you:

I would like your attention. And for you continously to shower me with the same. But I dont want any obligations from my side, I just felt bored in my dull marriage and wanted something to feel desirable again.

You are in no way, shape or form ready for a long-term commitment. Otherwise you wouldnt be grasping at straws and go for somebody who is married and who is seeking attention to make her dull marriage more tolerable. She is married. There is nothing for you there. If you are in more healthier mindset you would see that too. And not grasp at straws with some "long lost love" narrative. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, sunshine12345 said:

   she doesn’t want me to put my life on hold if it doesn’t happen. She would however like to try and be friends with me.last couple of days, I feel that she’s distanced her herself a bit. 

Try to be friends if you like her. She's married with a family so she's busy with that. She seems to want to catch up, but not want to give you the false impression that she wants and affair or more than friendship.

[sunshine12345]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Let me translate that for you:

I would like your attention. And for you continously to shower me with the same. But I dont want any obligations from my side, I just felt bored in my dull marriage and wanted something to feel desirable again.

You are in no way, shape or form ready for a long-term commitment. Otherwise you wouldnt be grasping at straws and go for somebody who is married and who is seeking attention to make her dull marriage more tolerable. She is married. There is nothing for you there. If you are in more healthier mindset you would see that too. And not grasp at straws with some "long lost love" narrative. 

Why would she say to me she’s been thinking about me all of these years?

[Jaunty]

Reread @Kwothe28's post.  Because she would like the attention.  In her defense there is probably unfinished business between you two hanging out there  - after all,  if I've followed correctly, she got pregnant by you and miscarried. That is a traumatic experience for her. 

 And following that you dumped her for your ex.

You really did her wrong, so I'm sorry that she's still holding on to some good memories from your past together and risking her marriage because of those.

My advice to you is to stop playing with fire.  She's married.  You already dumped her one time, do you want to play a part in destroying her marriage?   Blocking her, ceasing all contact and moving on is the right way to deal with this.

[rainbowsandroses]

7 hours ago, sunshine12345 said:

I actually crying on in the inside as I should have been the one who should’ve been married to her and had kids with.

Oh man, this is tough to read, I'm sorry. :((

Watch the movie "Casablanca" circa 1942 with Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman. Lovers who had a brief but intense fling years earlier but parted ways.  She left.  It just wasn't their time to play it out and be together.

They met up many YEARS later by chance, she was married to another man but realized they were both still very much in love with each other.

It was a movie but sh*t like this does happen, more often than people think.

My own Dad fell in love with a girl when in college together, they never dated but didn't matter, my dad fell hard regardless.  SHE ended up marrying another man, my dad's friend of all people!

He was a professional football player, (played for the NY Giants actually) and apparently had more to offer.

Anyway, whether it was fantasy or not, my dad's feelings were very real.  He married my mom but was always in love with the other girl.  15 years!!

Long story short, my dad and the college girl he had never truly gotten over reconnected after her husband passed, and she and my dad got married a year later and were happy and in love for the next 20 years until she died.  A few years later he died, may he RIP.

Your feelings are your feelings whether based on fantasy or anything else. 

My advice is live your best life, don't force anything and allow the universe to lead the way as hokey as that might sound to some.

What's meant to be will be, I truly believe that.

 

 

[Kwothe28]

30 minutes ago, sunshine12345 said:

Why would she say to me she’s been thinking about me all of these years?

Again, dull marriage where husband doesnt pay attention to her, and she wants some atention by the side. You are the first one that popped her mind because you were together before and even got pregnant with your child. 

But doesnt want to actually leave her husband(if I would have to guess her husband is the main source of income for her and kid(s)) and notice how she sneakily says how "She doesnt want you to put your life on hold but you will maybe be together in future". So she could say to you later how "She never forced you to put your life on hold for her".

Again, just the attention seeker and nothing else. And there is nothing for you there to find. Sorry you got caught in a fantasy and thinking how she will leave her hubby so you could be together. Its not a realitic outlook at things. And again you would knew that if you were ready to date seriously. 

[rainbowsandroses]

OP, the only person who knows why she reached out and why is HER.

Frankly, I don't believe it was just for attention.  She may be having issues in her marriage and reminiscing about your five-months together and feeling nostalgic.

I get that way too sometimes so can relate. 

But I'm projecting, again no one knows but her. 

Maybe someday you will discover the reason, maybe you won't.

For now, it's best to deal with what's in front of you.  

She's married and not available.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, sunshine12345 said:

Hi thanks for your input. She wasn’t a fling. We were together 5 months. That might not seem long enough to get to know someone properly. But have you ever found yourself in a relationship that moves so quickly it feels like you’ve been with them for years? That’s how it felt. No one has ever made me have these feelings before and that deep connection! 
 

 

Yes and not only is she unavailable -married people cannot date - but you get to conduct this online fantasy from the safety of behind a screen so you have no idea if this connection and  your feelings would survive reality.  Including the reality of you wondering what she's doing behind your back and "connecting" with other men.

[sunshine12345]

18 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Again, dull marriage where husband doesnt pay attention to her, and she wants some atention by the side. You are the first one that popped her mind because you were together before and even got pregnant with your child. 

But doesnt want to actually leave her husband(if I would have to guess her husband is the main source of income for her and kid(s)) and notice how she sneakily says how "She doesnt want you to put your life on hold but you will maybe be together in future". So she could say to you later how "She never forced you to put your life on hold for her".

Again, just the attention seeker and nothing else. And there is nothing for you there to find. Sorry you got caught in a fantasy and thinking how she will leave her hubby so you could be together. Its not a realitic outlook at things. And again you would knew that if you were ready to date seriously. 

She does work and so does her husband. But her hours are a lot shorter obviously to take care of the kids!!

Yes I did hurt her.. I was in such a big mess back then as my ex was constantly bugging me with messages of how she wanted me back whilst seeing this other girl. It played on my emotions. I took the safer bet and went back! Now I wish I hadn’t but you can’t change the past. I’m 43 now and all I want is to find a life partner to start a family with. Todays modern dating is rubbish. It’s even harder to date and find that special person these days!!

[Batya33]

If all you want is a life partner why are you interacting with a married woman? Waste of time no? I started dating my future husband -we got back together after almost 8 years apart! -when we were 38/39.  We married and had our son when we were 42.  In 2009.  Dating has been hard forever IMO.

When my husband and I reconnected we were both single and we both wanted marriage and family.  I wouldn't have seen him more than once if he wasn't -we met just for a catch up platonic dinner - but sparks flew!

[Kwothe28]

40 minutes ago, sunshine12345 said:

I’m 43 now and all I want is to find a life partner to start a family with. Todays modern dating is rubbish. It’s even harder to date and find that special person these days!!

Then why are you focusing on somebody who is married? Even if she divorces and you start something you will be what? 45? Would she even want more kids if you want kids? 

Again, this is not a realistic solution for you. Its a fantasy you builded based on some previous encounters. That has no basis in reality as she is married and doesnt want to divorce, she just wants attention from you while she stays in her marriage. Find somebody who is single and can be with you and give you what you want. Because this woman isnt that.

[sunshine12345]

47 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If all you want is a life partner why are you interacting with a married woman? Waste of time no? I started dating my future husband -we got back together after almost 8 years apart! -when we were 38/39.  We married and had our son when we were 42.  In 2009.  Dating has been hard forever IMO.

When my husband and I reconnected we were both single and we both wanted marriage and family.  I wouldn't have seen him more than once if he wasn't -we met just for a catch up platonic dinner - but sparks flew!

I think it’s the shock that she made contact with me a few weeks ago! It’s been a long time.. and it’s just dug things up again! I’m over thinking a lot of things again. Her distance over the last couple of days is playing on me. Yes perhaps what you’ve said she needed attention and I was there to talk to! I just feel sad and alone! It’s hard to explain how I feel right now.. 

[Jaunty]

There are probably quite a few people around here who understand pretty well how you're feeling.  But I hope you will leave this woman out of your feelings of loneliness and figure out how to deal with your life situation without including someone who is married into your solution.   That would be very wrong - especially since you've already pulled the rug out from under this woman once.  

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, sunshine12345 said:

I think it’s the shock that she made contact with me a few weeks ago! It’s been a long time.. and it’s just dug things up again! I’m over thinking a lot of things again. Her distance over the last couple of days is playing on me. Yes perhaps what you’ve said she needed attention and I was there to talk to! I just feel sad and alone! It’s hard to explain how I feel right now.. 

Feelings are valid but feelings aren't facts.  What you see as distance is not distance in that sense because there never was connection other than a married woman you dated in the past typing to you. Because she is married there was always complete distance for any romantic purpose or emotional purpose.  You two had no understanding of keeping in touch because you can't -she is married and  you are still attracted to her -she knows this so she knows she can type and type -then disappear. She has no actual connection to you -and she shouldn't -maybe she finally realized she might get caught and wanted to prevent damage to her marriage.

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, sunshine12345 said:

. Her distance over the last couple of days is playing on me.

It was nice to catch up, but she moved on and this is definitely only the friendzone. All you can do is be friends, but find a GF of your own. You don't have to "be alone" but you'll have to start dating single available women. 

[shouldhavelearned]

She wants some of what she can't have.

 

Will get it and move on or end up pregnant and causing problems

 

Just go n/c and move on with your life

Be a respectful human

[Tinydance]

Well I know in movies sometimes people will reconnect after many years. Like in Casablanca that was mentioned but I know other movies like that too. The thing is that in real life it doesn't seem to happen as often, for one thing. The other thing is that in movies it's usually portrayed as very romantic and that there aren't really any obstacles to it. Or that the obstacles are quickly overcome and it all looks very easy.

I remember in the movie The Notebook it was the same thing where a young couple had a whirlwind summer romance. But the guy, Noah, was poor and lower class and the girl Allie from a rich family. So the girl's mother tried to break them up and after that left their summer house and town where Noah lived, she hid all the letters from Allie that Noah was writing her. Many years later Allie was a nurse and met a well off guy who was in the army that she was tending to. Her and the guy got engaged. Then she saw a photo of Noah in the newspaper because he was building a house and she went to see him. Needles to say they realised they were still madly in love. The fiance turned up and he was actually acting really chill and nice. He basically said that he knows Allie is in love with someone else and he's not going to stand in the way of that.

In real life it's very rarely like that. Your ex is married and has children, she has a family. It's not a romantic movie where if her husband found your messages with her, he's just going to be totally fine with it. There's really no way he'd be like: "No problem hun, go and be with the other guy and be happy, all the best". Obviously her husband would be extremely hurt and angry about it and she would have so much to deal with. I doubt that she had no feelings for this man or anything like that. If she had been thinking of you then she probably would have reached out to you first instead of getting serious with and marrying the other guy.

On your end as well you actually chose your other ex over her. I find it a bit hard to believe that you only picked the ex because she kept bombarding you with messages. I mean, it's very easy to block your ex on everything and never hear from them again. Instead you decided to leave the girl who you claim is your soulmate and return to the ex. To me it seems that at the time you actually did think that you wanted to be with your ex and not the other girl. Also if she was pregnant from you, you were nearly parents together but you left her after miscarriage and chose someone else. I'm not sure what happened there exactly but sounds like you didn't feel she was "the one" at that time. When she lost the baby you could have stayed with her and tried for another one, but you didn't.

I understand it's very hard sometimes to let go of the notion of "the one who got away". It was a fairly new thing for you and in a sense you never got to see where it could have gone. You regretted your decision but sometimes we make a decision we thought was right at the time. 

To me a large portion of this seems to be coming from the fact that you haven't found anyone else in twelve years. And because this girl reached out, you're now thinking that she could be "the one". It's hard to know though whether you could actually work together because you were together only five months and that's the "honeymoon phase". So it's just hard to know if you're actually compatible in the long run. Like, when all the initial butterflies wore off,  were you still going to be a good match? 

Also, how old is this woman? You're 43, is she your age? You say you want to have kids but she already has kids. If she's in her 40's then first of all biologically it might be more difficult for her to have a baby. I don't know how many kids she has but if she has 2 - 3 then she might not want any more. Also if you were with her, you'd have to be like a stepfather role to the children. The ex husband would still need to be in the picture because he's the kids' father. So this is what I mean that it's not just a romantic movie and in reality there are a lot of obstacles and problems here.

Also I actually don't think it's a good sign that her husband is having family troubles or something and he's feeling depressed and she starts hitting on you out of the blue. I think that says something about her character. When you marry someone, you're supposed to be there for them in good times and bad times. Her husband is going through a difficult time and it's hard for her so she just goes and looks for someone else. Imagine if she was your wife and she did the same to you.

I mean, it's been 12 years and she's only reached out to you just now. Sounds like she's having some problems in her marriage so she's decided to find a distraction and shoulder to cry on in another man. Just because she wants an escape doesn't mean she's truly in love with you. If she's truly been thinking about you all that time then why had she never contacted you? And in all fairness you never contacted her either. Doesn't really seem like if two people love each other that they'd never contact each other in twelve years?

[lostandhurt]

Really?  Her life is what she chose but now the husband, 2 kids and a mortgage is mundane so she reaches out to you for some excitement.  Well she sneaks off to meet you and you have a moment but now she goes home and looks in her children's faces as her husband asks "how what your walk?"  So she lies to his face.

She has backed off because she is hopefully realizing how wrong and selfish she is.

You cannot be friends with her since you do not want to be her friend, you want to be her bf or husband.  If you like tell her if she is ever single to look you up but not until she is divorced and free to date.  Then wish her well.

 Lost

[MissCanuck]

23 hours ago, sunshine12345 said:

she’s busy with family life but I am feeling something  is up!

This doesn't make sense, because you already know what's up. 

She is married. You and your feelings are not her priority. She was looking for a temporary boost because she's going through a rough patch in her marriage but she didn't have any sort of serious intentions with you. You made the mistake of imagining this could be more, but it's not going to be. 

She's already gotten her fill of you, and has turned her attention elsewhere. Whether that's because her husband found out or because she's just not that interested now that she got her fix is beside the point. She is not available and it would be foolish to believe this was going anywhere. 

[Batya33]

I've shared this before but the night before the wedding of a guy I'd dated for a couple of months -but fairly intense - he called me -I was invited -we became friends after- I think he called mostly because I was inundated with work and he wanted to see if indeed I actually could make it (I could).

I was single and in a perfect world I'd have considered dating him again.  He did not know this at all -at least not from me!

At the end of our brief conversation (tradition in his tradition was the bride and groom don't see each other day before the wedding -that is why he was alone) he started to say "you know ----it really could have been...." -he was about to say "me and you getting married" - I impulsively knew to interrupt, cut it off and play naive.  I actually wasn't a huge fan of the bride or their relationship but I respected it and I respected him so I said something silly like "ok see you tomorrow -can't wait -better get to sleep!" 

He never knew I knew (and at the wedding someone made a dumb remark like how the bride and I looked alike, sigh -ignored that too).  And that to me is the only path to take with that sort of situation -respect the marriage, the commitment.  I don't do "right and wrong" much -and I'm pretty sure what I did is likely the only "right" way to go about it.  They're married 25 years now and we recently were in touch like with all the how's the family -my kids are going to X schools, what about you -etc. all stuff his wife who wasn't such a fan of me either at times -could have read with no issues.

Why risk it and why disrespect someone's spouse??

[smackie9]

Dude she's living a fantasy in her head because she's just being thirsty. She says all those things to build up more of that fantasy....that's what bored/lonely people in a relationship do. It's a dopamine rush....it makes people cheat, lie and be a user to get that hit.

[Jaunty]

I don't understand.  Well, I do ... I guess I am not grasping why YOU don't understand.

First of all, if you really wanted this woman you would not have dumped her after a mere 5 months of dating, especially after her traumatic experience of miscarrying a pregnancy (with YOUR child).  

The "ex" texting you a lot is not pertinent.  Texts are very easy to ignore.  

Anyway, you discarded this woman.  

You're a middle aged guy now.  Surely you have the self awareness to realize that you're just daydreaming about "what could have been."  It wasn't ever a reality and it certainly isn't going to be one now that she's married with children.

Perhaps you should spend some time in therapy to get yourself on course.  You don't want to spend the last part of your life in fantasyland when you might have opportunities to meet a true life partner, finally.