Dating someone I used to date, feels different, advice?

[Sean7]

Relationship advice? This is somewhat long but I’ll try to be as brief as possible. I’m at a loss here and I’m not sure which direction to take. To give some background I’m a male, 30’s, with two young children. Two years ago, I meet someone. She’s in the same age group. With one child. We start dating. She lives with her parents since her divorce. Her parents are very wealthy, and like me very much. I am successful, own a business, and have my life in order. She appears to have her life in order as well. She has a college degree in business, but is divorced and living at home working a low wage job. We start dating, and things go good. She comes to work for me at my business, and that works good. Our kids get along great, her parents like me, and we like each other. About 3 months in, we are hit with a natural disaster and my life was very stressful. My business was shaken up, and we were without utilities for close to a month. My business is a service that works with law enforcement agencies and the public, and was not affected, but was very difficult to handle during these trying times. Both her and my children were out of town while the area was in disarray. Times were trying, and I was stressed. I was rude to her and not pleasant to be around. We broke up. I was extremely rude to her over the phone, she said I’m not dealing with this, I said me either, and that was it. I always cared about her since. During the time we dated, she told me she was starting to love me, but I was not ready. About a year after we broke up, she messaged me that she missed me and wanted to meet. I was seeing someone at the time and told her so. A couple of months ago we connected again, both single, and began dating. The first few weeks were great. She has came back to work with me: and is doing fantastic, we are getting along. Her parents as well as mine are thrilled that we are back together. We see each other every day at work, and do things with our children on the weekends and evenings. I am happy. However, she is different. She does not seem near as affectionate as she was two years ago. She isn’t rude or mean, she’s just different. When we dated two years ago we kissed a lot, held hands, we’re very intimate. This time we do those things, but far less. We recently took a vacation just her and I for 4 days. I had to go to a work trade show for only a few hours but I made a fun 4 day trip out of it. We had fun, and did a lot of romantic and nice things. She still seemed distant. I tried to be intimate with her several times and she seems uninterested. We had sex once but I feel almost as if it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t tried several times. I recently had a sit down talk with her. She told me that what I didn’t know was that two years ago she was an alcoholic, and has since been to rehab. She’s nearly a year sober. This is the real her. That’s wonderful, but I feel now as two years ago the bond I felt, the way she treated me, was not real. I told her recently that I do love her, as she used to tell me, and she didn’t say it back. I’m at a loss. I feel I am now at the point she was two years ago and she’s at the point I was. I want things to work. She’s beautiful, sweet, and helps me tremendously with my business and kids. It’s not someone else. She’s listed me as in a relationship on Facebook. I just feel that she doesn’t feel that way I do. She invites me to her parents (she still lives there), and we do a lot together. We have good times. But I do not feel that intimate connection, I want to, I just feel like something is bothering her. I told her how I felt recently and she said she would be better and that she wants it to work. We’ve been dating a couple of months now. I have developed very strong feelings and I feel like she is uncertain. Maybe she’s treating it as a new relationship and two months is nothing. I can’t help but feel like we’ve been together forever based on our history and we shouldn’t have to start over. She used to talk about marriage, loving me, a future, now I feel I am the one having those thoughts and she isn’t. Any advice?

[Capricorn3]

This girl does not seem ready for marriage (imo).  You have way too many red flags waving in your face to ignore them.  Take heed.

[Kwothe28]

Sometimes people will choose convinience over love. Her parents approve you and you help her keep up the wealthy lifestyle she got used to with them, you gave her a better job and your kids get along. That is enough for her to be in a relationship. But as far as the feelings goes, no, she doesnt love you very much. You felt intimate connection at start because at start you are suppose to feel that when passion is at full force. But now, after some time passed and her passion has died down, you dont feel intimate connection from here because its simply not there. She settled for convinience, not for you as a person. Sorry.

[MissCanuck]

I actually think it’s too much, too soon this time around. 

Only dating a couple months again and she’s back to working with you already? Why? You two risk burning this out by mixing business and pleasure again and seeing each other all the time. 

I know you feel like you’ve been together a long time, but the truth is that the goalposts have changed now. She wasn’t in a good place before and was probably behaving much more impulsively as she was battling addiction. It is way too soon to be expecting talk of love and marriage again, now that she’s approaching life differently. 

I would give this some time and see if it’s going to work for you. You’re going to need to reset your expectations, and understand that a bad break-up also takes a toll. Even if she weren’t a recovering alcoholic, there were other problems with your history together and how it all ended. That could well be playing a part here too. 

Only time will tell if she actually feels strongly enough about you now to continue, and if you feel who she is today is a good match for you. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Sean7 said:

. I was rude to her and not pleasant to be around. We broke up. I was extremely rude to her over the phone, she said I’m not dealing with this, I said me either, and that was it. . A couple of months ago we connected again, both single, and began dating.

Unfortunately it seems like you're both on the rebound. Sort of "we're both lonely now, so let's backtrack". But it seems like she's proceeding with caution because of the way things ended.

What were the reasons for the first breakup? It's difficult to just pick up where you left off and forget about all the water under the bridge.

Try to slow down. There's no shortcuts trying to get reacquainted. 

[Andrina]

It's like you didn't learn from your mistakes the first time. I would've thought it best to keep your work lives separate after it was the cause of your break up. This first time, you knew her for mere days or weeks and hired her, assuming she was your forever love. Why would you make such a major decision like that? Too much pressure, especially on her, that if the relationship ends, she's out of a job.

And now you've jumped onto the same crazy ride. You only knew her 90 days the last go around. You should've entered the second try only seeing each other twice a week at the beginning, like any new dating couple. This is way too much togetherness. IMO, people need some time to miss each other. I know I would never want to work with my husband all day long. I like coming home from work looking forward to seeing him, and we tell each other about what went on in our days. Fewer things to talk about when you've both witnessed the same things all day, every day.

You're too full on and want too much too soon. Lighten up, spend some time apart as you should with guy friends and hobbies, and maybe she will relax and have time to miss you. You shouldn't even have discussed a future marriage until getting past the honeymoon stage, and seeing if you could even make it a year with her. You act like the 90 days you were with her several years ago means you were practically married. Ridiculous. It's not even a 3 digit number!

But if in a few months you're not satisfied break up. In the future, have more realistic expectations when dating--take it at a normal pace, not the pace of Speed Racer. And how about keeping your partner out of your business? A healthy amount of space away from a partner is a good thing.

 

[Lambert]

Sounds like you want the woman she used to be, but she's not that person anymore.  Add in that she is in recovery. 

Your expectations are probably unrealistic. We always remember things better than they were. 

You took your anger out on her and eventhough she probably has forgiven you, it also changed the dynamic.

I used to be with a guy that had a horrible temper. I would forgive every time. But with each incident I loved him less. I respected him less. until of course I nothing but disdain for him. 

You've jumped full force into this and you're counting the past like you've been together this whole time.  That's probably you just wanting it to be,  but it doesn't make it so. 

Two years is a long time.  People do grow and change,  especially those that are so obviously working on themselves, as someone in recovery would be. 

decide if this version of the woman is the one you want or if the draw of the past is too much.

Slow down. two months is not a lot of time,  but you're seeing a lot of red flags.

Relationships do end and sometimes it because they're not right.  The pressures of life pulled you apart before.... that does say something. It's not like you were torn apart by something out if your control, like war.

You said your business wasn't impacted. I wonder if there weren't other factors (related to the relationship) that caused you to be so rude to her, that you're ignoring now?  

[smackie9]

She's a recovering alcoholic and life looks and feels very different to her. She's still adjusting. It's possible (just taking a guess here) there might be underlying mental health issues like depression that has her being emotionally disconnected. Plus, she could be cautious because of the way you treated her last time. You want it to work? then you must have very good honest communication and trust with each other. 

[tattoobunnie]

So you break up, and she has to leave her job.  And you start dating, and she's back to working with you again?  If she was declaring love after two months, I would be weirded out.  You were treating her like sh*t, she had to get away from the situation, find a new job, and you expect her to go balls out in romance and undying love.  Slow your roll, dude.

[SooSad33]

Yup, too many issue's & expectations now from your end.

Are you aware of the struggles of an alcoholic?  It can be intense at times 😕 .

Many good points made already- from her being a recovering alcoholic, to the way things ended with you two last time ( and her harbouring hurt feelings, still), to her back working with you again? ( mixing business & pleasure).

All too much, too fast.

As you said yourself, is like the roles are reversed.. ugh 😕 .

I don't see to much stability with you two at this time.  I think you need to re-think things and lower your expectations.

IF you want it to to work, consider letting her catch up on her own terms and just accept her as she is now. Give it another 3 mos, see if she's still emotionally, physically distant with you.

If you still don't feel things are as YOU feel they should be, then time to admit so & be done .

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Move on 

[LootieTootie]

On 10/5/2023 at 6:57 PM, Sean7 said:

 I was rude to her and not pleasant to be around. We broke up. I was extremely rude to her over the phone, she said I’m not dealing with this, I said me either, and that was it. ....

This sounds like an on and off relationship I had with an ex when I was in my 20s. Every time he would blow up on me, it was just easier for me to be less intimate, less attracted to him, and care less about him. We would break up after him being an a-hole and then come back together but I always had my guards up. 

I think she has her guards up, and rightfully so. After the break-up, you told her you were seeing someone else, and then a couple of months later got back with her on a rebound. So not only did she chased you, but now she feels like sloppy second even though you were always the one who was mean to her, which also made her lose her job with you and probably had to deal with her parents' disapproval as grown woman living under their roof.