I gossiped and now l feel bad

[Portobello989]

I have two friends that l consider close, we’re all in our mid-thirties and we live in different cities.
 

Two of them are not close, they met through me. I hang out with them separately. Both of them have different lifestyle. One is married with kids and steady job, let’s call her M, …the other one travels a-lot, lives abroad, not married and free spirited. Let’s call her F. 

So, F, although she is fun to be around, can be a little toxic sometimes. She spends 90 percent of time talking about herself and doesn’t let me talk or asks me anything. She is very pushy when it comes to going places or coming to my vacation house. But she can be very loving, affectionate..l love her and want the best for her, at the end of the day. 

I became very frustrated with her behavior, l felt drained from my energy,  so l talked about her with the other friend, M.  M is more diplomatic, she can listen well and always gives me good advice. I don’t know if that’s called gossiping, but it was more about how F makes me feel. 
 

So few days ago, l met with F for coffee, and she’s telling me: “my sister said someone is spreading gossip about me that l am pushy, and l beg to stay at peoples homes and that l’m annoying” .. And she seemed pretty upset about it. I felt so so bad, it’s only a matter of time before she finds out it was me. 

I found out my friend M works with her sister’s friend, and apparently said all that stuff to her!! Stuff that was supposed to stay between the two of us. 

I am 100 percent guilty of gossiping and l feel horrible about it, but l don’t know what l should do. Should l even stay friends with M after she spread all those rumors? 

Sad and confused. 

 

 

[Starlight925]

This stuff happens in friendship groups all the time.  Yes, you are guilty, and yes, you have learned your lesson that friend M is not to be trusted with information.

You've also apparently learned your lesson that speaking poorly of others leads right back to us.  I am not going to beat you up about that, as I am guilty of it as well.

Even though I do believe that you were asking M for advice about F,  I'd ask you to reflect:  Were you really only asking for advice, or were you also complaining about F?  Look, I get it.  I have so many similar stories, and often we want to vent, and we want someone who we can trust with that venting.  M isn't that person.

All you can do now is sit down with M and let her know that she was, in fact, the only one you spoke to about F, and that you are hurt because you thought things were understood to be confidential.  Then, just let her speak.

As for F, you'll have to apologize to her, and let things play out there as well.

FWIW, I'm in a super similar situation with 2 friends right now.  While the one person who was spoken of is still hurt by the 3rd friend, she has told me privately that she has no plans to end that friendship.

[Batya33]

Talking about your feelings about another person behind that person's back -yes is gossiping with rare exception like "I feel awful for A that her mom is ill so I've been trying to support her in any way I can" or "I am worried about A - she is depressed -as you know- but lately is talking to me in one word answers in a monotone -have you had that experience?"  There the intention is not to vent or to feel supported or validated but out of genuine concern for a friend or to celebrate a friend's accomplishments.

Forgive yourself and do better.  It sounds like you plan to.  I have friends who try to get me to gossip and I am extremely careful not to ever -one reason - if you block that conversation/change the subject or directly say "I am not comfortable speaking about A" that person will know you are a very discreet and trustworthy person.

I'm sorry this happened -if you build up this amount of resentment you make a choice as to how to proceed that doesn't involve venting to someone who knows her (I will sometimes vent to my sister about people she will never meet ever, doesn't know and I don't use names etc anyway - she does the same to me so we can get it off our chests and get valuable input and support)

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Portobello989 said:

I found out my friend M works with her sister’s friend, and apparently said all that stuff to her!! Stuff that was supposed to stay between the two of us. 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately neither of them seem like trustworthy friends. Try to distance yourself and don't confide in either of them.

[SooSad33]

We live, we learn.

IMO, you should be able to reach out and 'talk' to your friend.  Sadly, by chance it has gotten back to the other person somehow - but so what!  If you're bothered, you have a right to talk about it all.

Maybe start distancing yourself from the more toxic one at least , F.  ( As, she is the one causing a negative effect on you right?).

I've had to do this.  Some ppl we're just not compatible with. 

And, if I might add... 'Gossip', is more something to do with going around & spreading half truths or having a neighbour sit out & make rubbish comments about everyone around them or causing unnecessary drama etc.  When they should really be minding their own business!

You are not doing this, you were more, confiding in another friend.  It's okay.

[Cherylyn]

First of all,  I commend you for having a conscience.  You feel guilty and how this world would be a better place if people actually thought about how they were wrong.  Most people whom I know,  simply continue wrongdoing and they don't care about any damage in their wake. 

As for you,  if you want to make amends with F,  tell her you're sorry for gossiping.  Don't make excuses though because if you do,  your apology is perceived as insincere.  Realize that this apology won't guarantee resuming your friendship with F though.  She may be done with you because once a person is hurt,  they usually don't revert to the same friendship anymore due to innocence lost forever.  Naivete is no more.  She doesn't trust you anymore and you don't trust M either.  It's a lose lose situation all around. 

As for M,  I'd pump the brakes on your friendship with her.  You can't confide in her because she has loose lips.  Loose lips sink ships.  ☹️  Lower M to less than acquaintance status.  Sure,  you can resume contact with her but keep it minimal and should you discuss anything with her whether in person or not,  remain brief and superficial at best.  She's deceitful,  a snitch and backstabber.  Beware. 

In the future,  be more cautious and learn how to keep your mouth shut.  You never know who will betray you.  🙄  🫢 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

You are not doing this, you were more, confiding in another friend.  It's okay.

I don't agree because her confiding involves venting/complaining about a person who is not there to speak/respond/give her side and shows the person she's confiding in that she's fast and loose with how she speaks of others -and could do the same to her.  If she said "I told her all of this recently so she knows" maybe different.  I have a broader view of gossip and avoiding that sort of impression to others that you're indiscreet and talk about people in a negative/critical way behind their back.

[catfeeder]

I’d be curious about M’s reaction to F learning of some complaints that sounded exactly like mine.

I’d leave it there and stay quiet to listen to M’s response. And your own gut.

To leave the call without argument, I’d say I guess there must be someone else who feels the same way.

From there you’ll learn over time whether M will alter her pattern with you. It may not be necessary to burn that bridge because she may just curb her own contact if she betrayed your confidence.

As for the other friend, consider challenging yourself on what, exactly, you gained from someone who continually frustrated you to such a degree.

This might be the start of a new cycle in your life that will require you to form some different kinds of friendships, and I’m sorry you had to learn this in an upsetting way.

 

[Cherylyn]

I admit that I gossip about my relatives and in-laws to a few trusted local friends whom I've known for many years.  I do this in person and never electronically (no text / email / phone / social media, etc).  I only do this because none of them mutually know each other,  have never met and they have no intentions of ever crossing paths.  All of them are complete strangers to everyone in my life.  We do not share same social circles and they don't know each other from Adam.  I feel completely safe with them individually.  They don't know my other friends and have no interest meeting them whatsoever.  They do not know my relatives and in-laws and never co-mingle with them.  I confide in my local friends in person.  They have my back and I theirs.  I'm very blessed.  I trust them with my life.  They've proven and earned my trust and loyalty for many years.  ☺️

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I admit that I gossip about my relatives and in-laws to a few trusted local friends whom I've known for many years.  I do this in person and never electronically (no text / email / phone / social media, etc).  I only do this because none of them mutually know each other,  have never met and they have no intentions of ever crossing paths.  All of them are complete strangers to everyone in my life.  We do not share same social circles and they don't know each other from Adam.  I feel completely safe with them individually.  They don't know my other friends and have no interest meeting them whatsoever.  They do not know my relatives and in-laws and never co-mingle with them.  I confide in my local friends in person.  They have my back and I theirs.  I'm very blessed.  I trust them with my life.  They've proven and earned my trust for many years.

I think it's fine to discuss not by name and not to people who know them/are unlikely to ever meet, etc. 

[catfeeder]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

… I have a broader view of gossip and avoiding that sort of impression to others that you're indiscreet and talk about people in a negative/critical way behind their back.

This is important. I tend to approach this kind of thing without naming names. I ask if I can bounce an issue to learn a helpful way to view it and potential options to manage it— because yes, I don’t want anyone to view me as someone who can turn on them and complain to others about them.

However, guess how I learned this? By getting myself into my own hot water, so I hope you’ll give yourself a break. We all learn from living.

[Batya33]

Just now, catfeeder said:

This is important. I tend to approach this kind of thing without naming names. I ask if I can bounce an issue to learn a helpful way to view it and potential options to manage it— because yes, I don’t want anyone to view me as someone who can turn on them and complain to others about them.

However, guess how I learned this? By getting myself into my own hot water, so I hope you’ll give yourself a break. We all learn from living.

I totally agree with this -give yourself a break for sure!

[Cherylyn]

7 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

We all learn from living.

Yes indeed.

[tattoobunnie]

M is not the problem here. Gossip is fun. But you weren't gossiping about your friend. Gossip is spreading rumors. You were backstabbing a friend, and that's 100% sh**y.  Just don't talk sh*t about your friends, and if you feel the need to, you probably aren't actually real friends to begin with.

 

[Lambert]

Sounds like a good lesson... don't say things about people you don't have the nerve to say to their face. 

Both you and M are wrong. 

I would ask her about it and talk openly about how you know (now) you were wrong and she was, too. 

Or you could say nothing andgoing forward dont allow yourself to talk poorly about others behind their backs.

If you value F's friendship, come clean and apologize.

Don't talk about people. Work on bettering yourself.  Frustrations with people happen. Find a better way of dealing with those frustrations.