Help me understand this girl?

[LostGuy3373]

So here's the story...

I (28 M) met this girl (26 F) about 3 years ago in our office. She was working under me and I was her supervisor. Within 15 days of joining, she asked me out because she liked me a lot. Before going on a date with her, I made it clear to her that I wished to keep everything casual as I was not looking for a relationship at that time. She was OK with that. I also got to know that she had recently broken up with her BF about 20 days ago.

We were basically FWB and also work colleagues. Soon we started living together but there was no commitment from my end. She wanted an exclusive relationship but I needed more time.

Her ex was also in the picture around this time and he was pretty abusive towards her and also towards me. He was also trying desperately to get her back. She told me that her relationship with her ex was very toxic (he used to abuse her and her family). She also told me that she felt nothing for him and often used to say negative things about him. Our relationship progressed very fast during this time. She used to show me a lot of love, care, and affection. And then in a few months, she also blocked her ex.

Fast forward 10 months, it was the first time I told her that I had developed feelings for her but I wanted to wait a little more before getting exclusive.

Soon after that, she had to leave for her hometown for a short vacation (coincidentally, her ex was also there in her hometown). When she came back, I found that she had been talking to her ex. I found this while casually checking her phone. I also noticed that they were flirting with each other a lot. I questioned her about this and even got mad at her for hiding the truth. She told me it didn't mean anything and that they never met in person. I later also found that she had put various statuses on Instagram and hid those from me (they were about her ex). I also found that she had met him once while returning from her hometown. I was confused how could she do it if she says she hates her ex? And that she loves me?

I told her that I don't trust her anymore and that I can't give her any commitment yet. Told her that she must be honest for at least 6 months for me to commit to her. But she kept lying to me every 1-3 months about her ex but I always used to find out about those. The lies ranged from contacting him, deleting texts/phone call records, casual meet-ups, and planning trips together (but not actually going).

This made me lose my cool many times and I used to often get angry/upset at her and even say mean things. She always used to promise me she won't contact her ex ever again but she always used to do it. I told her to not make this promise if she can't keep it because it makes me lose trust. But she always comforted me saying she only wants me and that she only feels a "soft corner" for her ex. Deep down I loved her a lot and cared for her. I really wanted this behavior of hers to change. I stopped showing care/affection like I used to - even though deep down I had too much love for her.

We kept living together but whenever she was alone/out of town, she used to contact her ex. Every time after getting caught she used to say that she felt nothing for him, didn't see a future with him, and she only loved me and wanted an exclusive relationship with me. I caught her on 5-6 different occasions.

She contacted him last on August 20th this year. I was not happy as usual about this. She proposed me on 28th August again asking for a commitment but I declined saying she needed to earn my trust. Finally, on 15th September she told me that doesn't see a future with me because she has lost feelings for me and she thinks I might never commit to her and that I get upset on her too often as a reaction to her lies and that I stopped caring for her. She also told me that she destroyed our relationship because of her lies and that I was the best person she ever met. She told me that she would not contact her ex ever again but she can't be with me because she didn't want to put in the effort anymore. I was devastated. Was too needy next 3-4 days and during this time I also found that she has been talking to a new guy last few days. Almost begged her to come back. She told me that she had made up her mind. Things got a little ugly and she even quit the job so that she doesn't have to see me. I don't understand just 20 days back she had proposed me and now she doesn't want to do anything with me?

I asked her for a final meeting but she declined. Somehow, I was able to get her on a video call about 8 days ago. She told me that she wants to date other people. I told her that I want to work things out with her and to get in touch with me if she ever changed her mind. I ended this on a good note but I am devastated since then. I am following No Contact last 8 days but at this point I am pretty lost why she did that? After all the chances I gave to her? Is she going to come back? Did she ever love me? Will she ever regret it?

Thoughts?

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, LostGuy3373 said:

 Things got a little ugly and she even quit the job so that she doesn't have to see me.

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately it seems like a mess including being her supervisor and living together as FWB? 

Be grateful she quit and didn't file sexual harassment charges. You dodged a bullet.

Please delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Do not contact her. 

As you mentioned, "things got ugly", so it's best to steer clear of her crazy life. The last thing you want is stalking or harassment complaint or a restraining order on your record.

Focus on your work and friends and family and move forward relatively unscathed. 

[Andrina]

Why you can't see how how every bit of this was wrong on every level, I don't know. Ethically, bosses don't enter into relationships with people who work for them. People who make wise relationship decisions don't make major decisions like moving in with a partner until knowing them a minimum of a year--seeing the partner in all sorts of situations to ensure compatibility in lifestyles and ethics.

Wise people also don't move in with a love interest until exclusive. It's a lot more work to break up with someone when you're living with them versus dating and living in separate residences.

It also makes no sense that you weren't exclusive and yet you were calling her out for communicating with and getting together with her ex. She was free to date anybody else she wanted to, just as you were. 

TIme to read a Dating 101 manual before attempting to get back into the dating world. You'll likely never be able to let go of your bad feelings of whatever this was, so it's best to leave this ugly past in the past, and start fresh with someone else once your mourning for the demise of this FWB ends.

[beamer]

If anything I've learned from recent experience it's that dating a coworker is absolutely playing with fire and more likely than not, will end up in tears. I pursued a casual thing with a girl from work and ended up being used and manipulated. I basically broke off a 2 and half year relationship to start this fling and it ended last month. Deservedly I'm on my own now and having to focus on myself. I had all the same speech you received such as " the person who made them the happiest ever". Unfortunately what you will learn is some people's words are just cheap, it rolls of their tounge without any reason or thought. The lies she's been repeatedly telling you sums up something simple...she has absolutely zero respect for you as a person and that for me personally is the biggest thing with someone you're either in a relationship with, dating or casually seeing. I discovered that myself and I'll be honest dude it hurts big time especially when you have emotional invested alot into that person. But in your case I do feel the trust issues were always going to be a concern, checking her phone for example, that shows instant insecurities, you can't live yourself in constant worry what she may be getting upto because it would eventually drive you insane. From this experience I would just take it on the chin and move on, I know its alot easier said than done, trust me I've been there recently, but by learning to put the time into yourself, concentrate on the things that make you happy and energised, you will get there it just takes time, but eventually you will look back at time as a dark point and realise that in the longrun you deserve much more positivity in life. Good luck.

[LostGuy3373]

44 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Why you can't see how how every bit of this was wrong on every level, I don't know. Ethically, bosses don't enter into relationships with people who work for them. People who make wise relationship decisions don't make major decisions like moving in with a partner until knowing them a minimum of a year--seeing the partner in all sorts of situations to ensure compatibility in lifestyles and ethics.

Wise people also don't move in with a love interest until exclusive. It's a lot more work to break up with someone when you're living with them versus dating and living in separate residences.

It also makes no sense that you weren't exclusive and yet you were calling her out for communicating with and getting together with her ex. She was free to date anybody else she wanted to, just as you were. 

TIme to read a Dating 101 manual before attempting to get back into the dating world. You'll likely never be able to let go of your bad feelings of whatever this was, so it's best to leave this ugly past in the past, and start fresh with someone else once your mourning for the demise of this FWB ends.

Hi, thanks for the reply. Some clarification:

1. I understand getting into a relationship with a co-worker is wrong. I will make sure it doesn't happen again in the future. 

2. We didn't really "move in together". Rather we used to spend every day together either at her place or mine.

3. I don't mind her dating her ex or any other person. I just want her to be honest about it and not lie. I was always upfront with her about my other dates whenever she asked and so I wanted the same kind of transparency from her.

[LostGuy3373]

19 minutes ago, beamer said:

If anything I've learned from recent experience it's that dating a coworker is absolutely playing with fire and more likely than not, will end up in tears. I pursued a casual thing with a girl from work and ended up being used and manipulated. I basically broke off a 2 and half year relationship to start this fling and it ended last month. Deservedly I'm on my own now and having to focus on myself. I had all the same speech you received such as " the person who made them the happiest ever". Unfortunately what you will learn is some people's words are just cheap, it rolls of their tounge without any reason or thought. The lies she's been repeatedly telling you sums up something simple...she has absolutely zero respect for you as a person and that for me personally is the biggest thing with someone you're either in a relationship with, dating or casually seeing. I discovered that myself and I'll be honest dude it hurts big time especially when you have emotional invested alot into that person. But in your case I do feel the trust issues were always going to be a concern, checking her phone for example, that shows instant insecurities, you can't live yourself in constant worry what she may be getting upto because it would eventually drive you insane. From this experience I would just take it on the chin and move on, I know its alot easier said than done, trust me I've been there recently, but by learning to put the time into yourself, concentrate on the things that make you happy and energised, you will get there it just takes time, but eventually you will look back at time as a dark point and realise that in the longrun you deserve much more positivity in life. Good luck.

Exactly my thoughts. Cheers!

[DariaM239]

Ugh so sorry this happened to you. That fcking sucks and she's a ***. She clearly is going through things with her own self and does not have the capacity right now to love or care for anyone else. It's going to hurt a lot right now but it really is true what they say. Time heals everything. Definitely don't contact her anymore and if by chance she reaches out, do your best to ignore her. Just know you'll be fine!! ❤️

[TacticalLinguine]

What did you expect to happen when you refused to offer commitment, yet muddied the waters by keeping this “situationship” going, living together, etc?
 

This was never going to end well. Figure out what you want. 

[boltnrun]

You refused to commit to her. She repeatedly lied about her ex. And you're surprised it didn't work out?

Also, expressing to her that you "love" her only after she left you sounds like ego, not actual love. You can't stand that she might prefer someone else even though when you "had" her you  refused to commit (long before you found out about her ties to her ex by going through her phone<!>).

Anyway, neither of you behaved in a stellar way. At least she got another job so you two won't have to see each other at work.

[catfeeder]

She gave you a lot more time to commit than I would have. Given your choices, you didn’t have the right to question her on who she saw or when. You can’t have it both ways.

[SooSad33]

On 9/28/2023 at 4:04 PM, LostGuy3373 said:

Soon after that, she had to leave for her hometown for a short vacation (coincidentally, her ex was also there in her hometown). When she came back, I found that she had been talking to her ex. I found this while casually checking her phone. I also noticed that they were flirting with each other a lot. I questioned her about this and even got mad at her for hiding the truth. She told me it didn't mean anything and that they never met in person. I later also found that she had put various statuses on Instagram and hid those from me (they were about her ex). I also found that she had met him once while returning from her hometown. I was confused how could she do it if she says she hates her ex? And that she loves me?

You got involved with her too soon.  She was obviously NOT ready to be involved again - and the rest is on you.

You took this chance with her, well aware of her previous involvement.  yeah, you moved way too quickly and to have the need to check her phone - no good 😕 .

So, now YOU Stop all of this!  She's not stable and it's all messed you up!

Be done with her for good.  She's got nothing to offer you! ( So, no - she never loved you). And let this be a lesson for you... Anyone who's still in any way, shape or form still involved with an ex, you walk away from.  They need to be well into that persons past for it to be a sure thing.  She was what, 20 days out?  Nah, they weren't done yet.