Finally met up. Now...

[rainbowsandroses]

15 hours ago, midnightdeirdre said:

When a cop car drove by we ran back to the dance entrance; the cop ended up asking me who I was, how old I was, Bob's name and age. I eventually said, "Please forgive me" to which the cop responded, "I'm not your parents.

This is what I asked you in previous.  Do you seek forgiveness from your parents for having sex in the car with Tom?  

Do you feel ashamed by your own actions? 

I am not that familiar with autism but I have read in some cases it may be difficult to break away emotionally from their parents. 

I applaud your dad for encouraging you to do so but now YOU must start encouraging yourself to do so.

Start with this incident.  Tell yourself you're a grown woman and as such you no longer need your parents permission, approval or forgiveness.

Do you even see and think of yourself as a grown woman? 

 

 

 

 

[woodsrose10]

13 hours ago, Tiddytok5 said:

 

 

So you two never really interacted and communicated in high school, never had a friendship...that you just thought of him and it made you feel better about these tough things you were going through at the time??

 

 

 

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you two had a friendship at all back then...and 

 

 

 

I personally wouldn't tell him those things. He doesn't care, and doesn't think highly of you. 

 

 

 

He only wants to have sex. He doesn't want to hear those things.  He doesn't want to know you in any other kind of intimate way. 

 

 

 

He's just using you for sex...and perhaps to control, take advantage,  and  manipulate you...because you seem naive, eager, and  friendless.

 

 

 

 

 

So you two really weren't friends in high school? That you knew of his name and maybe public available information about him...saw him in the hallways and around school...perhaps occasionally spoke to one another??

 

 

 

If so, you two were only associates.

 

If you two weren't hanging out outside of school hours,  talking on the phone, making plans, going different places, etc... you two never had a friendship.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Soo...why has it taken 4 years to meet up when it seems like you two live in the same region??

 

Soo..  like did you look him up on a social platform after many years , contacted him and just started talking and making plans sexually?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's nothing wrong with having a causal sexual relationship with anyone..

 

 

 

but at least make sure that the person respects you. 

 

 

 

He does not respect you. 

 

You do not respect yourself.

 

 

 

Your newest post states that

 

You met up with him after 4 years, during his basketball game...for an unsuccessful quickie in a car..and he left to go back to his game...and your privates felt like they were burning afterwards. (Hopefully you went to the doctors to have that checked out)

 

There's nothing wrong with having a sex and private life that you don't share with your parents.  I think that maybe your guilt comes from knowing that you're being mistreated by this guy and not wanting to get lectured by your parents or to feel like you disappointed them.

 

Why do you feel eager and desperate to be this guy's friend and have him in your life?? 

 

Why are you attached to this guy?

 

If you're almost 40, high school was many years ago..do you feel like you are unable to make any genuinue friends, so you're willing to give him what he wants in order to keep him around??

 

 

 

 

 

I know that you say that you want it also, but are you just doing this as some obligatory "thank you" for him "helping you" get through a tough time in high school??

 

 

 

Do you feel like you owe him??

 

 

 

 

 

Chances are this guy is still married or has a girlfriend.. 

 

 

 

4 years....first meeting and he has you in the back of a car, and goes back to his game, talks of sneaking around in hotel rooms,  him saying he doesn't want to go to dinner (maybe he is afraid of being caught) etc...

 

 

 

 

 

Are you okay with him using you and him possibly being in a relationship???

 

You don't have to tell your parents the intimate details..make sure that they can always get in touch with you and always let them know who you're with. Also give them details and information about the person you're with.

 

 

 

 

 

Full name, address, license plate,  picture of the person,  etc...

 

 

 

 

 

Unfortunately,  I don't feel like this is going to go and end well for you.

 

 

 

You're already emotionally invested,  and he is not.

 

Please try to let this guy go, and make some genuine friends.

 

 

Ok, I'd say you're very wrong on many statements. He and I were friendly in high school and knew each other. We've been texting almost every day since 2019. We've sent each other videos, texts, have facetimed, and talked on the phone. He's not married or has a gf. Believe me, if he did I would not be communicating with him at all. 

We're both consensual adults who agreed to meet up. How is that not respecting myself? I understood the situation and what was going to happen and why.

[Seraphim]

8 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

Ok, I'd say you're very wrong on many statements. He and I were friendly in high school and knew each other. We've been texting almost every day since 2019. We've sent each other videos, texts, have facetimed, and talked on the phone. He's not married or has a gf. Believe me, if he did I would not be communicating with him at all. 

We're both consensual adults who agreed to meet up. How is that not respecting myself? I understood the situation and what was going to happen and why.

OK if you’re a consenting adult, there’s no need to tell mommy and daddy about nothing. Consenting almost 40 year old adults. Don’t talk to their parents about their sex life, period. 

[woodsrose10]

56 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Tell yourself you're a grown woman and as such you no longer need your parents permission, approval or forgiveness.

Do you even see and think of yourself as a grown woman? 

I guess no, I don't see myself as a grown woman. I miss my childhood too much.

Even though I have a Bachelors degree I've never been able to keep a "real" high-paying fulltime job. None of them lasted. I don't make enough money to move out on my own.

On the upside: I've been a cashier with a supermarket for 10 years now; started out as part-time and was upgraded to full-time October 2020. 

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, midnightdeirdre said:

I guess no, I don't see myself as a grown woman. I miss my childhood too much.

Even though I have a Bachelors degree I've never been able to keep a "real" high-paying fulltime job. None of them lasted. I don't make enough money to move out on my own.

On the upside: I've been a cashier with a supermarket for 10 years now; started out as part-time and was upgraded to full-time October 2020. 

As you know my son is Autistic as well. And the majority of Autistic people are vastly under employed or not employed at all. More than 80% of Autistic people are not employed because society won’t bend to the supports needed , unfortunately. So many never leave home and are forever infantilized . Also unfortunate. But you ARE an adult like my son is as well. 
 

 

[woodsrose10]

Just now, midnightdeirdre said:

On the upside: I've been a cashier with a supermarket for 10 years now; started out as part-time and was upgraded to full-time October 2020. 

I'll admit, things did not start getting positive for me at the supermarket until I had my doctor write a note to them requesting some specific conditions: 1.) To keep my ONLY on the 12-items-or-less lane. 2.) Let me read when there are no customers around.

I realized I loved the 12-items-or-less lane (to put it mildly); it was quiet and not as fast-paced(obviously), which was beyond perfect for me. Once that condition was granted, I started getting more hours than ever---the most hours any part-time cashier could have. Shortly afterward I was (finally) promoted to full-time cashier. 

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, midnightdeirdre said:

I'll admit, things did not start getting positive for me at the supermarket until I had my doctor write a note to them requesting some specific conditions: 1.) To keep my ONLY on the 12-items-or-less lane. 2.) Let me read when there are no customers around.

I realized I loved the 12-items-or-less lane (to put it mildly); it was quiet and not as fast-paced(obviously), which was beyond perfect for me. Once that condition was granted, I started getting more hours than ever---the most hours any part-time cashier could have. Shortly afterward I was (finally) promoted to full-time cashier. 

Excellent, I am glad they have given you accommodations. 

[woodsrose10]

Just now, midnightdeirdre said:

2.) Let me read when there are no customers around.

I talk to myself a lot and daydream to the point of self-hypnosis. Doing that with a book in front of me gives customers the impression that I'm "normal."

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, midnightdeirdre said:

I talk to myself a lot and daydream to the point of self-hypnosis. Doing that with a book in front of me gives customers the impression that I'm "normal."

You just have to be YOU. Normal doesn’t exist. But keep in mind not to let yourself get sucked out of reality . 😉

[boltnrun]

Do you think hooking up with a guy having car sex with him will help you feel better about yourself?

That would apply to anyone. Car sex isn't a positive way to interact with someone you have an emotional attachment to unless it's part of an ongoing, loving relationship that includes many other interactions. 

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you think hooking up with a guy having car sex with him will help you feel better about yourself?

That would apply to anyone. Car sex isn't a positive way to interact with someone you have an emotional attachment to unless it's part of an ongoing, loving relationship that includes many other interactions. 

I now understand she was ok with meeting up for quickie sex in the car -I thought she was under the impression they'd meet for a meal -more of a date like activity.  This wasn't a date of course.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, midnightdeirdre said:

 I've been a cashier with a supermarket for 10 years now; started out as part-time and was upgraded to full-time October 2020. 

That's great. It's ok to date and not go into details with your parents. You've wanted to hook up with this guy for years and it finally happened. Maybe it's disappointing but at least you got that out of the way. You're using contraception and condoms so that's good. Maybe you want a BF one day, may be you just want hookups. That's ok. As long as you're ok with the outcome.

[Tinydance]

I personally think you need friends your own age and to actually try to date someone. It seems to me that you want sex and romance but I agree Thu guy Tom is just using you. I understand you're autistic but that doesn't mean you can't have friends. You're 40 and sounds like you're way too attached to your parents. Autistic or not, you would be better off to build this kind of closeness with your peers. It's just not healthy to feel guilty that you don't disclose every single thing you do to your parents. Do they grill you or you just feel like you have to tell them everything? 

[boltnrun]

I personally don't consider it to be "using" you when you clearly agreed to the car sex hookup.  You say you wanted to have sex with him and that it was clear you two were meeting up for the purpose of having sex. Where is the "using"?

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Where is the "using"?

Considering that she is autistic and doesnt even understand social ques, there is a case to be made about some man just using her. As she is inept at completely understanding situation. I mean she is almost 40. But considering her state, there is a blurry line there about what he has offered and done and what she understanded she got. For example she just may think there is something more there. Even though his actions suggest very superficial behavior that just wants sex. I mean he literally just "emptied his balls" before practice. But to her that holds different significance due to her not being able to understand that.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Considering that she is autistic and doesnt even understand social ques, there is a case to be made about some man just using her. As she is inept at completely understanding situation. I mean she is almost 40. But considering her state, there is a blurry line there about what he has offered and done and what she understanded she got. For example she just may think there is something more there. Even though his actions suggest very superficial behavior that just wants sex. I mean he literally just "emptied his balls" before practice. But to her that holds different significance due to her not being able to understand that.

I was thinking along those lines especially since he knows about her circumstances.  When I was 14 a guy in his early 20s who I worked with bought me a drink he told me had very little alcohol and then kissed me.  I wanted to kiss him! It was exciting! Looking back I realize I was wayyyy too young to understand all of this - to know how to ask what it meant by "very little alcohol" -to question why I was a minor and he was buying me alcohol (I had some of the drink -it was strong and I didn't get drunk) - and I consented to the kiss but this is why 20 somethings aren't supposed to make passes at a 14 year old. My sense is the OP's maturity level in these matters are not that of an adult woman.

[boltnrun]

That's from her point of view.  I'm talking about his.  If he doesn't know she's autistic and that she allegedly doesn't possess a maturity level that is adequate to determine what's best for her, and she told him she's interested in a quick hookup, how is that HIS fault?  He sees a 40 year old woman who is down for car sex.

The older man in your case, Batya, knew you were a child.  I'm not sure this man in the OP's case knows she supposedly can't make good decisions for herself.

[Kwothe28]

33 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That's from her point of view.  I'm talking about his.  If he doesn't know she's autistic and that she allegedly doesn't possess a maturity level that is adequate to determine what's best for her, and she told him she's interested in a quick hookup, how is that HIS fault?  He sees a 40 year old woman who is down for car sex.

 

I think they are talking for years. And that he knows her from high school. He is not some stranger that she met yesterday. So would be surprised if he doesnt know. So again, there is a case to be made for "using". I would feel different if the situation OP is, well, different. Then this situation would have been clearer and two consentual adults being down for sex. But this whole ordeal is, eh, debatable. To the point that we can talk about him being very low bar individual and using her.

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think they are talking for years. And that he knows her from high school. He is not some stranger that she met yesterday. So would be surprised if he doesnt know. So again, there is a case to be made for "using". I would feel different if the situation OP is, well, different. Then this situation would have been clearer and two consentual adults being down for sex. But this whole ordeal is, eh, debatable. To the point that we can talk about him being very low bar individual and using her.

That's how I saw it to.

[MissCanuck]

10 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

And that he knows her from high school. He is not some stranger that she met yesterday. So would be surprised if he doesnt know.

This - and I may be wrong, but I believe OP has said in another thread that he is aware she is autistic. 

@midnightdeirdre, can you clarify? Does this man know you are on the autism spectrum? 

[boltnrun]

But again, there are degrees.  I worked with an autistic man and he was definitely able to make good decisions for himself.  In fact, he was quite stubborn if he thought someone was trying to do something that wasn't following the designated procedure or if he felt they were trying to get him to do something inappropriate.  (He also happens to be married to a lovely woman.)

But of course I can't speak for the OP.  If this man did in fact deliberately and knowingly take advantage of her alleged inability to make good decisions for herself, that would be wrong.

[Seraphim]

58 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But again, there are degrees.  I worked with an autistic man and he was definitely able to make good decisions for himself.  In fact, he was quite stubborn if he thought someone was trying to do something that wasn't following the designated procedure or if he felt they were trying to get him to do something inappropriate.  (He also happens to be married to a lovely woman.)

But of course I can't speak for the OP.  If this man did in fact deliberately and knowingly take advantage of her alleged inability to make good decisions for herself, that would be wrong.

Yes, there are varying degrees. My son would never do anything wrong or dishonour himself even if threats were made. He also has no burning need to be accepted by anyone . 

[woodsrose10]

23 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This - and I may be wrong, but I believe OP has said in another thread that he is aware she is autistic. 

@midnightdeirdre, can you clarify? Does this man know you are on the autism spectrum? 

Yes, he knows I am autistic. (Very much so, lol.) In fact, everyone I am close to knows.

[woodsrose10]

23 hours ago, boltnrun said:

But again, there are degrees.  I worked with an autistic man and he was definitely able to make good decisions for himself.

The autism spectrum is, in a word, WIDE. Watch this video and you'll get it...
 

 

[woodsrose10]

The best way to describe how differently autism effects those who have it, would be like describing how differently pregnancy effects women who are pregnant.

For example, 2 pregnant women might share similar pregnancy symptoms: they both have morning sickness the first three months. Then, one woman will crave melted chocolate nonstop for the rest of the pregnancy, while the other pregnant woman will crave nothing but salty foods and be downright disgusted by chocolate.

See how both pregnant women shared similar symptoms, but also completely different ones?