Finally met up. Now...

[MissCanuck]

13 hours ago, midnightdeirdre said:

I'm tempted to tell my mom in a text, "I've had time to think it over, and I want to tell you now: The night I got dad Dairy Queen, I met up with for a quick date with my guy friend Tom. He had a basketball game at the Starland next door. I admit we smooched a bit

No. There is zero reason to tell your mother this part. 

You are an adult and need to keep appropriate boundaries between you and your parents. 

[Sindy_0311]

I’m sorry @midnightdeirdre, but in fact he disrespected you when he downgraded your dating plan… and you accepted while you shouldn’t have. IMO 

On 3/28/2023 at 8:03 PM, midnightdeirdre said:

We will meet for dinner there, and then get a room

This was the initial plan… he said you would cuddle have a hotel room, have a second round etc… and finally, you got this: a hookup in a car and no time to tell him what you wanted to tell him because your “date” only lasted 15 minutes. 

[boltnrun]

No man who respects you would even for one minute think having sex in a car and leaving immediately afterward is an appropriate date activity. I'm sorry that happened.

As for your parents, why do you feel like you need to "confess"? You can simply tell them you're going out and you'll be back later. If they question you simply say you met up with a friend..

[midnightdeirdre]

On 9/25/2023 at 7:12 AM, Sindy_0311 said:

I’m sorry @midnightdeirdre, but in fact he disrespected you when he downgraded your dating plan… and you accepted while you shouldn’t have. IMO 

This was the initial plan… he said you would cuddle have a hotel room, have a second round etc… and finally, you got this: a hookup in a car and no time to tell him what you wanted to tell him because your “date” only lasted 15 minutes. 

We have been talking everyday since 2019. He had a basketball game so I knew it was going to be quick. 

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

We have been talking everyday since 2019. He had a basketball game so I knew it was going to be quick. 

If you don't treat yourself with respect he won't either.

A hookup in a car is something a guy does when he's just after a quick bang. I'm sorry you felt you had to accept that kind of disrespect. I hope going forward you won't agree to this kind of treatment.

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

We have been talking everyday since 2019. He had a basketball game so I knew it was going to be quick. 

Whatever the case, you wanted to meet him and you did. Sorry it didn't work out. However there's no need to go into details with your parents.

[catfeeder]

Autism or not, I don’t think it’s healthy for a 40 year old woman to disclose her private make out to a parent. Part of maturity is learning discretion. If you are mature enough to have a private sex life without your parents supervision, then you are mature enough to keep it private.

 If applying such discretion upsets you, then I’d suggest that the behavior itself should be stopped.

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, midnightdeirdre said:

We have been talking everyday since 2019. He had a basketball game so I knew it was going to be quick. 

Maybe you two could have been wanting until he had a free evening... 

Have you been texting since that day? Did you agree to meet again? 

[Batya33]

If you have a quick meet like that again meet for a quick walk and talk outside or a snack at a cafe. Not a wham bam thank you ma’am so he can get off before his main activity.  Sure committed couples have quickies etc but save those for a long term relationship 

[midnightdeirdre]

23 hours ago, boltnrun said:

If you don't treat yourself with respect he won't either.

A hookup in a car is something a guy does when he's just after a quick bang. I'm sorry you felt you had to accept that kind of disrespect. I hope going forward you won't agree to this kind of treatment.

I wanted it too. I just feel bad I didn't tell my parents the whole truth about what I was truly doing that night.

[midnightdeirdre]

On 9/25/2023 at 9:53 AM, boltnrun said:

No man who respects you would even for one minute think having sex in a car and leaving immediately afterward is an appropriate date activity. I'm sorry that happened.

As I've said, I wanted it too. (So how come no one is saying that I disrespected him?)

And hey, I'll admit I kept him waiting for awhile...it really would've taken 20 minutes to get there but I was nervous and subconsciously took longer than I needed, like 45 minutes. (Got gas for my car, drove slower than I usually do, etc.)

[Seraphim]

20 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

I wanted it too. I just feel bad I didn't tell my parents the whole truth about what I was truly doing that night.

No reason to feel bad. You are not a child. Is it like a need to be exhibitionist to tell them? If so tell friends not your parents. I can really tell you as a parent no parent wants to know this . 

[Batya33]

48 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

As I've said, I wanted it too. (So how come no one is saying that I disrespected him?)

And hey, I'll admit I kept him waiting for awhile...it really would've taken 20 minutes to get there but I was nervous and subconsciously took longer than I needed, like 45 minutes. (Got gas for my car, drove slower than I usually do, etc.)

You didn’t disrespect him because you expected to go on a date and get food together and hang out. It was disrespectful to be late. Especially since he didn’t have a long time to spend with you. 

[Batya33]

50 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

As I've said, I wanted it too. (So how come no one is saying that I disrespected him?)

And hey, I'll admit I kept him waiting for awhile...it really would've taken 20 minutes to get there but I was nervous and subconsciously took longer than I needed, like 45 minutes. (Got gas for my car, drove slower than I usually do, etc.)

What are you telling ? I had sexual intercourse in the car with an old friend of mine. It was fun but fast. TMI 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, midnightdeirdre said:

I wanted it too. I just feel bad I didn't tell my parents the whole truth about what I was truly doing that night.

Why on earth do you want to tell your parents you had a quick sex hookup in someone's car?

I can't fathom why you think they need to know that.

[rainbowsandroses]

@midnightdeirdredo you subconsciously feel guilty for having quick in the car?  And for wanting it yourself?

And the need to tell your parents is to seek their understanding and forgiveness?

Similar to when a person confesses their "sins" to a priest.  The priest tells them to say ten Hail Mary's and they're forgiven.

You say you didn't feel HE disrespected you since it was a mutual decision to screw in the car.

And that's valid however what may be at play here is that YOU don't respect yourself and feel guilt within yourself.

Telling mom and dad is a way to alleviate that guilt and possible disgust you may have for yourself.

Much of this is subconscious but think about it. 

It's simply not standard behavior or healthy for a 40 year old women to be 'confessing' to their parents in this way.  It's just not no matter how you slice and dice.

Try to become more self-aware and take responsibility for your own choices 

You do not and should not be needing mom and dad's approval or forgiveness.

 

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, midnightdeirdre said:

I just feel bad I didn't tell my parents the whole truth about what I was truly doing that night.

I can promise you that the vast majority of 40-somethings out there are not reporting the full truth of their comings and goings to their parents - and for good reason. It's not healthy at that age. 

You need to start practicing some discretion with them. 

[Capricorn3]

"Hey mom and dad! I'm sorry I lied the other day! I actually went and had a quickie with a guy in his car" ................. I mean, it really doesn't matter in which way it is said, this is something parents just do not need to know.

[midnightdeirdre]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You didn’t disrespect him because you expected to go on a date and get food together and hang out. It was disrespectful to be late. Especially since he didn’t have a long time to spend with you. 

I did text with him the whole time, when I had the chance.

[midnightdeirdre]

This all reminds me of an incident when I was 17 (a junior in high school): Long story short, I was at the homecoming dance one night. I met a sophomore named Bob there; he and I snuck out of the dance and made-out behind a trailer that was parked next to the cafeteria. (At one point, my legs were around his waist.) When a cop car drove by we ran back to the dance entrance; the cop ended up asking me who I was, how old I was, Bob's name and age. I eventually said, "Please forgive me" to which the cop responded, "I'm not your parents. You can go now." (Lol was he right or was he just trying to make me feel bad? I mean I told him we were just kissing, which we were.)

When I told this story to a counselor when I was 28 she said, "It would be none of his business at this age." ⬅️ I get a sense this is what you're all trying to tell me, lol.

I thank you all for that.  ❤️

[midnightdeirdre]

50 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

"Hey mom and dad! I'm sorry I lied the other day! I actually went and had a quickie with a guy in his car" ................. I mean, it really doesn't matter in which way it is said, this is something parents just do not need to know.

The lies were that I told them I got dinner at Dairy Queen. Mom even asked what I ordered, I lied and said chicken tenders. I did ask if they wanted ice cream; I brought home dad one. 🍦

I actually have a friend who once said to me, "You shouldn't feel the need to justify yourself all the time." I try to remember that, lol.

[Tiddytok5]

 

 

So you two never really interacted and communicated in high school, never had a friendship...that you just thought of him and it made you feel better about these tough things you were going through at the time??

 

 

 

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you two had a friendship at all back then...and 

 

 

 

I personally wouldn't tell him those things. He doesn't care, and doesn't think highly of you. 

 

 

 

He only wants to have sex. He doesn't want to hear those things.  He doesn't want to know you in any other kind of intimate way. 

 

 

 

He's just using you for sex...and perhaps to control, take advantage,  and  manipulate you...because you seem naive, eager, and  friendless.

 

 

 

 

 

So you two really weren't friends in high school? That you knew of his name and maybe public available information about him...saw him in the hallways and around school...perhaps occasionally spoke to one another??

 

 

 

If so, you two were only associates.

 

If you two weren't hanging out outside of school hours,  talking on the phone, making plans, going different places, etc... you two never had a friendship.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Soo...why has it taken 4 years to meet up when it seems like you two live in the same region??

 

Soo..  like did you look him up on a social platform after many years , contacted him and just started talking and making plans sexually?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's nothing wrong with having a causal sexual relationship with anyone..

 

 

 

but at least make sure that the person respects you. 

 

 

 

He does not respect you. 

 

You do not respect yourself.

 

 

 

Your newest post states that

 

You met up with him after 4 years, during his basketball game...for an unsuccessful quickie in a car..and he left to go back to his game...and your privates felt like they were burning afterwards. (Hopefully you went to the doctors to have that checked out)

 

There's nothing wrong with having a sex and private life that you don't share with your parents.  I think that maybe your guilt comes from knowing that you're being mistreated by this guy and not wanting to get lectured by your parents or to feel like you disappointed them.

 

Why do you feel eager and desperate to be this guy's friend and have him in your life?? 

 

Why are you attached to this guy?

 

If you're almost 40, high school was many years ago..do you feel like you are unable to make any genuinue friends, so you're willing to give him what he wants in order to keep him around??

 

 

 

 

 

I know that you say that you want it also, but are you just doing this as some obligatory "thank you" for him "helping you" get through a tough time in high school??

 

 

 

Do you feel like you owe him??

 

 

 

 

 

Chances are this guy is still married or has a girlfriend.. 

 

 

 

4 years....first meeting and he has you in the back of a car, and goes back to his game, talks of sneaking around in hotel rooms,  him saying he doesn't want to go to dinner (maybe he is afraid of being caught) etc...

 

 

 

 

 

Are you okay with him using you and him possibly being in a relationship???

 

You don't have to tell your parents the intimate details..make sure that they can always get in touch with you and always let them know who you're with. Also give them details and information about the person you're with.

 

 

 

 

 

Full name, address, license plate,  picture of the person,  etc...

 

 

 

 

 

Unfortunately,  I don't feel like this is going to go and end well for you.

 

 

 

You're already emotionally invested,  and he is not.

 

Please try to let this guy go, and make some genuine friends.

 

 

[Tiddytok5]

On 9/24/2023 at 5:04 PM, midnightdeirdre said:

lol yes it definitely took awhile to find time to meet. He's very busy with reffing and playing basketball, and he has a 16 year old son.

 

Sounds like he's perhaps married or in a relationship...that you may not be aware of.

 

People make time out for what's important to them. He could have made time out for you. He makes time out for what he views as important already. ..such as his son,  reffing, playing basketball,  etc...

 

 

He isn't busy 24/7.

 

 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, midnightdeirdre said:

I did text with him the whole time, when I had the chance.

You were deliberately late and made him wait.  That is disrespectful of his time IMO.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, midnightdeirdre said:

When I told this story to a counselor when I was 28 she said, "It would be none of his business at this age." ⬅️ I get a sense this is what you're all trying to tell me, lol.

The officer meant what  you said "please forgive me" is what a child says to a parent with whom she has an ongoing relationship.  A cop doesn't need to "forgive you" in that situation -and it's best to remain polite and not get personal.