Finally met up. Now...

[midnightdeirdre]

I met up with my guy friend (Tom) who I've been talking to since 2019. I've been wanting to tell him how he helped me get through a tough time in high school. Long story short, I finally met up with him after work. He had a basketball game at an auditorium, so we parked behind there. We kissed a little bit and tried to make love in his car. The condom burned me badly, so obviously it wasn't very pleasurable. We got out, kissed, and he went into the auditorium. (Yes we did talk a little bit about meeting up again and whatnot.) I didn't have time to tell him about how he helped me get through the tough time in high school, we were just too rushed.

Next to the gymnasium is a Dairy Queen. I told my parents I would get dinner there and bring home ice cream. Of course, I didn't get dinner but I did get dad the ice cream he wanted. When I got home mom asked what I got for dinner; I lied and said chicken tenders.

Naturally I feel bad that I haven't mentioned Tom. I got so emotional at work the next day that I started crying. I talked it over with my supervisor, Ami. She was very sweet and said that I should say to my mom, "I've had time to think if over, and I want to let you know that I met with my guy friend Tom that night I went to Dairy Queen. He had a basketball game next door and we smooched a bit in his car before he went in."

At the same time, a large part of me feels I don't have to tell her. (I mean I'm almost 40.) But I'm autistic and my parents are my best friends. They are both retired and she has constantly said "Dad and I aren't going to be around forever." They do have a will and half of everything goes to my sister and I. 

I'm thinking I should tell my mom what Ami said, and then maybe give up on dating and meeting up with Tom altogether. (I'll tell her that also.) I'll just tell Tom that he helped me get through a tough time in a text.

I do get teary-eyed thinking about all of this...not telling my parents the whole truth, them passing away eventually...I just want to be sure I have parents approval, especially my mom's. I can't imagine them not in my life. 

Please help.  ❤️

[MissCanuck]

14 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

I got so emotional at work the next day that I started crying

What was making you so upset, exactly? Not being honest with your parents, or the fact that Tom rushed off after your encounter?

16 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

She was very sweet and said that I should say to my mom, "I've had time to think if over, and I want to let you know that I met with my guy friend Tom that night I went to Dairy Queen. He had a basketball game next door and we smooched a bit in his car before he went in."

I don't agree with this advice. I don't see why you need to tell your parents. I understand you are neurodiverse but you're also 40 and are entitled to a personal life. You could be honest that you met up with a friend but you don't need to get into more detail. 

Have you heard from this man since? 

[midnightdeirdre]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What was making you so upset, exactly? Not being honest with your parents, or the fact that Tom rushed off after your encounter?

Not being honest with my parents.

[midnightdeirdre]

7 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't agree with this advice. I don't see why you need to tell your parents. I understand you are neurodiverse but you're also 40 and are entitled to a personal life. You could be honest that you met up with a friend but you don't need to get into more detail. 

Have you heard from this man since? 

Lol, 10 years ago I remember my dad said to me, "Deirdre, you're 28 years old. You don't need our permission to go out." 

And yes, I have been texting with Tom.

[Seraphim]

You don’t need to discuss your sex life with parents. That is called over sharing . 

[Kwothe28]

You are autistic so social ques and what is appropriate and what not arent your biggest strenghts. But telling your parents that you made out or even had sex with somebody isnt really something that is a social normative. Maybe in some parts of the world, but in yours aka I pressume USA, no. Its just ankward and weird. You can maybe present him eventually, or just tell that you have a boyfriend if you ever go to that stage. But your parents dont need to know that you had sex with some guy in a car.

Also, what happened to the other guy? A friend that you were suppose to see for dinner and have sex?

[midnightdeirdre]

10 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Also, what happened to the other guy? A friend that you were suppose to see for dinner and have sex?

I've talked about this on other forums; I went through a tough time my senior year of high school and thinking about Tom helped me get through it. I always wanted to tell him. The other night was awkward so I didn't. I've asked if he wants to meet up once more for a better time.

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

. You don't need our permission to go out." 

That's true. Some things are better left unsaid. Especially about your sex life. Perhaps your parents just need to know you're safe but don't need all the details.

[Batya33]

Please go to a doctor and get on a backup method of birth control if at all possible. Condoms can break and even without him finishing you can get pregnant. Tom seems interested in meeting up to hook up and have sex. Is that what you’re interested in too ?

[rainbowsandroses]

29 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

Lol, 10 years ago I remember my dad said to me, "Deirdre, you're 28 years old. You don't need our permission to go out." 

Your dad sounds very cool, and he's right!

Perhaps you could use this experience as an opportunity and move towards independence from your parents. 

It's hard and scary, I remember doing so, especially from my dad, at his encouragement like your dad is doing. 

Baby steps and it will get easier in time, I promise you.  

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, midnightdeirdre said:

.I just want to be sure I have parents approval,

Hi!! I’m pretty new here, nice to meet you! About this above, what for do you need approval? since you decide to stop seeing the guy, I guess it’s all ok… 

1 hour ago, midnightdeirdre said:

and then maybe give up on dating and meeting up with Tom altogether.

Was it the first time you had sex? How long did the interaction lasted? 10-15 minutes ? 

1 hour ago, midnightdeirdre said:

we were just too rushed

or was HE just too rushed? 
 

1 hour ago, midnightdeirdre said:

 

I met up with my guy friend (Tom) who I've been talking to since 2019.

 

you never met in 4 years? 

[midnightdeirdre]

28 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Please go to a doctor and get on a backup method of birth control if at all possible. Condoms can break and even without him finishing you can get pregnant. Tom seems interested in meeting up to hook up and have sex. Is that what you’re interested in too ?

I have the Kyleena IUD.

[Kwothe28]

30 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

I've talked about this on other forums; I went through a tough time my senior year of high school and thinking about Tom helped me get through it. I always wanted to tell him. The other night was awkward so I didn't. I've asked if he wants to meet up once more for a better time.

Ah, its the same guy. Thought it was a different one.

Is this something that is going to be a regular occurance? Why havent you met before? Old thread about meeting is 6 months old.

[midnightdeirdre]

3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Ah, its the same guy. Thought it was a different one.

Is this something that is going to be a regular occurance? Why havent you met before? Old thread about meeting is 6 months old.

lol yes it definitely took awhile to find time to meet. He's very busy with reffing and playing basketball, and he has a 16 year old son.

[midnightdeirdre]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't agree with this advice. I don't see why you need to tell your parents. I understand you are neurodiverse but you're also 40 and are entitled to a personal life. You could be honest that you met up with a friend but you don't need to get into more detail. 

I'm tempted to tell my mom in a text, "I've had time to think it over, and I want to tell you now: The night I got dad Dairy Queen, I met up with for a quick date with my guy friend Tom. He had a basketball game at the Starland next door. I admit we smooched a bit before he went in. It was fun but kind of awkward. I didn't tell you that night because it was such a quick thing because of his game. I don't think we'll meet again anyway."

Thing is, if my mom asks, "All you did was smooch? Really?" then I'm screwed. What should I say then? Ami suggested, "I don't feel comfortable talking about that. Besides, I've decided no more dates until next year when I have money saved up. Then I'll join some dating sites."

[Seraphim]

In North American culture sharing details with our parents is just really awkward and icky. As a parent I don’t want to know about my adult child’s sex life . That is right over the boundary line into gross TMI. 

[Sindy_0311]

Please don’t say any of this to your father if you don’t want him to go destroy the face of the man who disrespected his daughter. 

[midnightdeirdre]

9 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Please don’t say any of this to your father if you don’t want him to go destroy the face of the man who disrespected his daughter. 

Tom didn't disrespect me.

[midnightdeirdre]

48 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

I'm tempted to tell my mom in a text, "I've had time to think it over, and I want to tell you now: The night I got dad Dairy Queen, I met up with for a quick date with my guy friend Tom. He had a basketball game at the Starland next door. I admit we smooched a bit before he went in. It was fun but kind of awkward. I didn't tell you that night because it was such a quick thing because of his game. I don't think we'll meet again anyway."

Thing is, if my mom asks, "All you did was smooch? Really?" then I'm screwed. What should I say then? Ami suggested, "I don't feel comfortable talking about that. Besides, I've decided no more dates until next year when I have money saved up. Then I'll join some dating sites."

I feel I definitely want to do this. But again, if she asks, "Really? All you did was kiss?" What should I say? Maybe: "That's super-personal, mom. I won't get into that. And besides, I'm not seeing him again."

I don't think I'll sign up with any online dating sites, either. Temple Grandin is autistic also and she said she made her mind 'to never get married or have kids. Those types of relationships are just too complicated.' Meeting with Tom made me realize that also. I was never very lucky in the love department, and it looks like there's a good reason why. (I'll tell this to my mom also, I think. Agree?)

[Tinydance]

So do you think you're dating this guy or it's a hookup? I remember you said the idea was always just to meet for sex at a hotel or something. I also think that it's probably not dating if Tom made no effort to meet you for six months? And this time he just quickly hooked up in the car and left.

The reason why I was clarifying if it's just a hookup is because if it's just sex, I really don't think you have to tell your parents. I'm not trying to be rude but it just doesn't sound like Tom actually wants to date you. It sounds like he just wants occasional hookup fun and that's all. There's nothing wrong with that if you want to do that. You are using two forms of contraception so that's definitely very smart.

Personally I think there's no need to tell your parents because he's not your boyfriend. I mean, to me it seems very unlikely he'll actually be a big part of your life, like meeting your parents and coming over for a Christmas family lunch. So I don't see why your parents need to know about him.

I don't think you have to report to your parents that you had sex. I mean, we never knew when our parents had sex, right? That's because they don't tell us lol

[Tinydance]

5 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

I feel I definitely want to do this. But again, if she asks, "Really? All you did was kiss?" What should I say? Maybe: "That's super-personal, mom. I won't get into that. And besides, I'm not seeing him again."

I don't think I'll sign up with any online dating sites, either. Temple Grandin is autistic also and she said she made her mind 'to never get married or have kids. Those types of relationships are just too complicated.' Meeting with Tom made me realize that also. I was never very lucky in the love department, and it looks like there's a good reason why. (I'll tell this to my mom also, I think. Agree?)

Do you have any other friends? I know you live with your parents but I think you need some friends your own age. Autistic people can still have friends and not only have their parents as their "best friends". You seem to feel guilty that you're not telling your parents every single thing you do but why? I moved out of home when I was 23 and after that my parents basically had no idea who I hooked up with or whatever. They only knew if it was a real relationship and I introduced them.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, midnightdeirdre said:

I have the Kyleena IUD.

Was he checked for STDs before your sexual encounter and did he give you the results?

 

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

, if she asks, "Really? All you did was kiss?" What should I say? Maybe: "That's super-personal, mom. I won't get into that. And besides, I'm not seeing him again."

Try not to spin elaborate tales. It's ok to say you went on a date and decided you're not ready to date. That's enough. 

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

In North American culture sharing details with our parents is just really awkward and icky. As a parent I don’t want to know about my adult child’s sex life . That is right over the boundary line into gross TMI. 

Totally agree. There is absolutely no reason for any adult (40 years old) to be sharing their private life with the parents. Zero.  In fact it's pretty gross (imo).  I can understand a teenager maybe asking for advice from a parent, but age 40??  Hell no.  Just NO.

[shouldhavelearned]

Have safe sex and he should respect you more than a back seat if you haven't met in person since 2019