Shy, not interested, playing games?

[Bundle2023]

I met this girl at a social club that I ran. I was instantly drawn to her. Attracted to her, she’s just my type personality wise. Kinda shy(but not too shy), super nice and nerdy.  There also seemed like there could be something there. She was very engaging with me and so forth. It was tough cause I ran the club so I never wanted to scare her away. 

Eventually I stopped running it. We kept talking a bit but she wasn’t very engaging on texts. I decided to ask her out anyway and she didn’t respond. So I decided to just forget about it and move on.  

Until I recently ran a one off event. She texted me before it how she was excited for it.  Then she was very engaging with me at the event. At the end she also mentioned she wanted to go to these other events we had talked about and that she was sorry she never responded to my one text.  And an hour later after the event she texted me how great the event was and she was very engaging. I did engage a bit but in all honesty I was afraid to put my guard down again. So we talked for a little and I was busy that night anyway so I didn’t text her again until the next day to which all of a sudden she wasn’t very engaging again. Sort of short responses etc. I decided to throw a Hail Mary and ask her out again anyway a day or two later and she didn’t respond at all.

I’m debating just sending her a text asking what the deal is. Kind of just laying it on the line. Only cause it’s on my mind and it will help me move on if I know what she’s thinking.  She seems way too shy/nice to play games. But I guess it’s possible.  There’s also the off chance that maybe she’s really shy or pulls back once she starts to become vulnerable cause she’s scared.  But do you think it makes sense to just ask her why she ignored me again?  I just feel like it’s unfair that she did that and I’d at least like a response. Even if she sees me as a friend. That’s ok. But being ignored really hurts.

[Batya33]

A lot can happen in a day.  She might have met someone else or someone she went out with a few times may have called her first.  I'd put aside the technical etiquette since you barely know this person.  I'm sorry you're feeling hurt and offended -some people don't respond if the answer is no -silence=lack of interest.  Dating requires a thick skin.

[Kwothe28]

28 minutes ago, Bundle2023 said:

So I decided to just forget about it and move on.  

Good call, because if she was interested she would respond to first text. But then you reverted it just because she wanted to see some events. So you got the same.

29 minutes ago, Bundle2023 said:

I decided to throw a Hail Mary and ask her out again anyway a day or two later and she didn’t respond at all.

Because she isnt interested in dating you.

30 minutes ago, Bundle2023 said:

I’m debating just sending her a text asking what the deal is.

Nah. I think there is no need after her ignoring your question 2 times. Worst of all, she knows that she ignored your question.

31 minutes ago, Bundle2023 said:

she was sorry she never responded to my one text.

But she just doesnt care and did it again. There is no need to engage somebody like that ever again. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Bundle2023 said:

 At the end she also mentioned she wanted to go to these other events we had talked about and that she was sorry she never responded to my one text.  

Unfortunately she seems to just ghost rather than turn down a date. While that's pretty clear that no answer is"no" , it may be cultural or awkward or she has a BF, etc. It's probably best not to call her out on it and let it go. Especially if she enjoys these events and that's what she's really there for rather than meeting men or dating.

[Seraphim]

It sounds like she is interested in the gaming events and odd chitchat about said events but not interested in a relationship. 

[kim42]

I would just let it go, maybe she just likes texting with you but doesn't want to go on a date.

Unfortunately some people text just because they are bored or they like the thrill that someone is interested in them without wanting to pursue it any further.

[rainbowsandroses]

OP, I'm not going to presume to know what goes on in the mind and heart of another human being.

But what I do know is things are never black and white nor what they always appear to be on the outside.

So with that said...

5 hours ago, Bundle2023 said:

I'm debating just sending her a text asking what the deal is. Kind of just laying it on the line. Only cause it’s on my mind and it will help me move on if I know what she’s thinking.  She seems way too shy/nice to play games. But I guess it’s possible.  There’s also the off chance that maybe she’s really shy or pulls back once she starts to become vulnerable cause she’s scared.  

Something very similar to this^ happened to one of my brothers.  He met this woman randomly and there was an instant attraction.  Not just looks, it was more.  An energy between them, a certain vibe. 

My brother felt it!  And was certain without being c*cky she felt it too.

They ran into each other a few more times, one time she was with another guy but would still give my brother these "looks" and they would smile at each other.

The next time he ran into her he asked her about the guy, if she was seeing him.  She said it was "complicated" but that they weren't exclusive.

So he took that opportunity to ask her out.  She told him she didn't think it was a good idea and turned him down! 

He asked her why and told her he wasn't seeing anyone.  She responded saying it wasn't any of her business and he responded "It could be." 

He then asked her if she was scared.  She said yes and he responded he was too.  He then kissed her. 

After that night, they began seeing each orher (dating) and got married a year later!

Sounds like something from some romantic movie or novel but it's a true story from what I recall him (and my SIL) telling me.  It was many years ago and they are still happily married. 

Go ahead and ask her if you want.  But do it in person, not text.  You need to actually see her response, body language etc.

Again, things are never black and white nor always what they appear to be on the outside.

Take a chance, a risk.  If it doesn't work out, so be but at least you tried and went with your heart.

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Bundle2023 said:

There’s also the off chance that maybe she’s really shy or pulls back once she starts to become vulnerable cause she’s scared

And there's also the off chance that she's just kind of rude or has a boyfriend or some such thing. 

I wouldn't even bother enteraining this line of thinking about her being scared or shy. Why? You barely know her. It's too much of a reach and you've got next to no information about her to begin to guess. 

I therefore wouldn't waste your time asking her about it, because you're not likely to get a clear answer anyway. Chalk it up as a lesson learned and don't ask her out again. 

 

[catfeeder]

I have a brother who was in a band. Plenty of women were all over him--showing up to his gigs, chatting with him between sets, partying with him afterward, contacting him about next gigs.

When he stopped playing with the band, you could hear a pin drop.

So this girl may like following the leader--the one who runs the events. Beyond that, not so much.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

So this girl may like following the leader--the one who runs the events. Beyond that, not so much.

That's certainly what it appears to be on the outside, doesn't it.  

But who knows?  And why guess?   

One never knows like the sitch with my brother and his now wife..

Heck, she turned him down at first!

But he sensed there was fear on her part, for him too, and he went for it and got the girl. 

I often forget his story and end up making decisions based on what things "appear" to be on the outside which they're often not.

IDK OP it's up to you.  But we only get one shot at this life, may as well make the most of it, good and bad and learn from all of it. 

All the best whatever you decide.

 

 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

15 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Heck, she turned him down at first!

This particular woman has ignored his date invitation not once, but twice. 

He's already "gone for it" a second time, and got zero reply in return. 

 

[Bundle2023]

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

IDK OP it's up to you.  But we only get one shot at this life, may as well make the most of it, good and bad and learn from all of it. 

All the best whatever you decide.

Thank you rainbow for the optimistic attitude and I agree in person is best. Unfortunately I don’t know when I’ll see her again. But that’s what I think others might not get. Her body language and the way she approaches me just gives me the vibe that somethings there. I’ve caught her looking at me a few times when I wasn’t looking. I sense something.  And I don’t fall for girls easy so it’s been tough. 

Also I appreciate everyone’s advice. And I think they are all fair points. But I wish you would be a little more careful with language and tone.  People come here for advice and are vulnerable. We know that we might not be thinking with a clear head cause love can do that which is why we are here!  It’s better than us just going out and doing something that may be stupid so give some credit. The advice and tone given back sometimes is like “what are you an idiot?”  And yes we may be in some ways but its hard to separate mind and heart so cut us some slack. 

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This particular woman has ignored his date invitation not once, but twice. 

He's already "gone for it" a second time, and got zero reply in return. 

 

That's a fair assessment however there was more to my brother's story in that his now wife had rebuffed him a few times. 

But, there was this energy, that something, a sense that compelled him forward. 

I've heard of other situations like that as well, along with the negative ones.  The situations that don't turn out as we hoped. 

But again who really knows?  I sure don't, especially from reading a post on the internet. 

That's why I suggested he simply be straight and go for it, without being aggressive or pushy. 

Feel it out and ease into the conversation gently, in person. NOT text.

It IS a risk but I sense from you @Bundle2023that you got the bones for it. 

Keep us posted! 

[Bundle2023]

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I've heard of other situations like that as well, along with the negative ones.  The situations that don't turn out as we hoped

Yes. This is true. Even my parents. My dad rejected my mom a few times. Until one day he realized he was an idiot. But I think it was after she backed off. So I really need to back off of texting. Maybe feel it out if I ever see her again and gently bring it up if it feels like things are vibing.  If it was meant to be it will be.  

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Bundle2023 said:

Yes. This is true. Even my parents. My dad rejected my mom a few times. Until one day he realized he was an idiot. But I think it was after she backed off. So I really need to back off of texting. Maybe feel it out if I ever see her again and gently bring it up if it feels like things are vibing.  If it was meant to be it will be.  

It's not really a meant to be situation.  What is now "being" is that she doesn't want to go on a date with you.  No indication in your meant to be world she is shy or scared -she attends the events, she's been very engaging.  And if she wanted to date you she would respond to your invitation with enthusiasm and the remote exceptions and "meant to be" really are a waste of your time IMO.

[Seraphim]

Could it be possible she is neurodiverse? My son is neurodiverse and makes friends around interests and doesn’t talk a lot to the same people outside of that interest. People who know him are ok with that. 

[Bundle2023]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

It's not really a meant to be situation.  What is now "being" is that she doesn't want to go on a date with you.  No indication in your meant to be world she is shy or scared -she attends the events, she's been very engaging.  And if she wanted to date you she would respond to your invitation with enthusiasm and the remote exceptions and "meant to be" really are a waste of your time IMO.

Thanks. Once again. Chill with the harsh tone.  I’m here for advice and I don’t need to have salt pouring in my wounds.  

[rainbowsandroses]

36 minutes ago, Bundle2023 said:

Maybe feel it out if I ever see her again and gently bring it up if it feels like things are vibing.  If it was meant to be it will be.  

I agree with this^ approach.  The "meant to be will be" part is leaving it up to the universe which sounds hokey but which I very much believe in and has been true for me in my life.

It means remaining detached from the outcome and allowing things to unfold naturally and organically.  Letting go of the outcome, whatever is meant to be will be. 

No one ever truly knows what's in the mind or heart of another and just because she or anyone doesn't respond to an invite in a particular way (enthusiastically) and/or even may rebuff you a few times, that doesnt necessarily translate to lack of interest, in fact it can sometimes mean the opposite!

Feelings/emotions/attraction are never black and white like that.  

You don't know her history, what she's experienced.  There could be many other factors beside non-interest or non-attraction explaining why she has responded the way she has - fear and anxiety being the top two.

Again it's a risk. But feel it out when you see her and go from there. 

 

[Bundle2023]

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

You don't know her history, what she's experienced.  There could be many other factors beside non-interest or non-attraction explaining why she has responded the way she has - fear and anxiety being the top two.

Again it's a risk. But feel it out when you see her and go from there. 

 

Thank you. And thank you for being a little sensitive.  Listen - I know in all likelihood she has no interest.  Or maybe she likes me but is more interested in someone else.  Sometimes I’ve eventually ended up falling for the “2nd place” girl so you never know.  Point is, like I said earlier when we’re smitten we have trouble rationalizing. Wish is why it’s good to vent it out on here and hear from others so I appreciate everyone’s feedback  

I just know in my situation when I know a girl is smitten for me and maybe I rejected her once I would be careful not to lead her on again. I’d certainly be nice and chat a bit.  But I wouldn’t waste talking to her at a function the whole time and then text her afterwards telling her how much fun I had and start engaging, showing interest temporarily only to leave her hanging again. Cause I’d be sensitive to the fact that I don’t want to lead her on. So that’s why I was just confused in this situation.  Cause I know i wouldn’t do that but I guess people are different. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Bundle2023 said:

 Cause I’d be sensitive to the fact that I don’t want to lead her on. 

It seems like she was there for the purposes of the event and talking to like minded people.

Try to deal with disappointment without bitterness.  Just brush it  off and move forward. She was not leading you on by being friendly to someone at an event she's interested in. Especially since you were running these events.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 minutes ago, Bundle2023 said:

Cause I know i wouldn’t do that but I guess people are different. 

Yup, if I've learned anything from all I've experienced in life up to this point, it's that.  We are all different and unique with our own experiences we bring to the table that affect our reactions and how we respond to situations whatever those situations may be.

Try to not overthink it, follow your gut and intuition and you should be fine. 😀

 

 

 

[Batya33]

56 minutes ago, Bundle2023 said:

Thanks. Once again. Chill with the harsh tone.  I’m here for advice and I don’t need to have salt pouring in my wounds.  

Why wounds ? I hope you’re able to thicken the skin. It’s totally fine for a person not to want to date you. It’s not a rejection of you. You barely know each other. Assume it’s nothing personal. Be a bit more direct with yourself so you can accept that someone doesn’t want to date you - or not with the sort of enthusiasm that to me anyway is essential.

 Then you can move on fast and not forego opportunities because you’re licking wounds. I dated in and off for 24 years and many men didn’t want to date me and I often didn’t want to date certain men. So we moved on from each other and awesome if that happened early on. Had I indulged in wound licking too much I likely wouldnt. have met my husband for dinner when I decided to in 2005. And that wasn’t even a date. 

[Bundle2023]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Why wounds ? I hope you’re able to thicken the skin. It’s totally fine for a person not to want to date you. It’s not a rejection of you. You barely know each other. Assume it’s nothing personal. Be a bit more direct with yourself so you can accept that someone doesn’t want to date you - or not with the sort of enthusiasm that to me anyway is essential.

 Then you can move on fast and not forego opportunities because you’re licking wounds. I dated in and off for 24 years and many men didn’t want to date me and I often didn’t want to date certain men. So we moved on from each other and awesome if that happened early on. Had I indulged in wound licking too much I likely wouldnt. have met my husband for dinner when I decided to in 2005. And that wasn’t even a date. 

Maybe it’s easier for you. I don’t fall for girls easy. I fell for this one hard and was smitten.  I’m allowed to be sad for a little while.  I’m not saying I’m never gonna date again.  I won’t lock myself in my room and cry for days.  But it’s ok to feel a little sad.  It’s part of life. 

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, Bundle2023 said:

Thank you. And thank you for being a little sensitive.  Listen - I know in all likelihood she has no interest.  Or maybe she likes me but is more interested in someone else.  Sometimes I’ve eventually ended up falling for the “2nd place” girl so you never know.  Point is, like I said earlier when we’re smitten we have trouble rationalizing. Wish is why it’s good to vent it out on here and hear from others so I appreciate everyone’s feedback  

I just know in my situation when I know a girl is smitten for me and maybe I rejected her once I would be careful not to lead her on again. I’d certainly be nice and chat a bit.  But I wouldn’t waste talking to her at a function the whole time and then text her afterwards telling her how much fun I had and start engaging, showing interest temporarily only to leave her hanging again. Cause I’d be sensitive to the fact that I don’t want to lead her on. So that’s why I was just confused in this situation.  Cause I know i wouldn’t do that but I guess people are different. 

She didn’t reject you. She doesn’t want to go on a date.

There were many situations I didn’t respond to a request for a date if I felt it wasn’t safe or that he didn’t need to hear the silly “oh you’re such a great guy and I have to pair my socks that night sorry !!”  In 2006 I attended an event at my place of worship. I spoke to a particular guy for about a half hour. During that time I mentioned my boyfriend. We talked about our travels and topics like that. 
We left at the same time. We walked together a short distance then parted ways. No flirting whatsoever.
He knew my last name and looked up my landline.  Called and left a message inviting me to attend a lecture he either was attentions and or speaking at. It clearly was with date like intentions. I didn’t respond. Why ? I told him I had a bf. Maybe he didn’t hear. I didn’t give him my number. I didn’t flirt. 
there were men I met in first meets who called to ask me out for a first date.  Having been harassed and bothered a number of times when I declined in other situations sometimes I responded and sometimes not.
 

I never wanted a response if the man wasn’t interested. Silence is fine and means lack of interest. Different if we’d made a plan or been out a few times. 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Bundle2023 said:

Maybe it’s easier for you. I don’t fall for girls easy. I fell for this one hard and was smitten.  I’m allowed to be sad for a little while.  I’m not saying I’m never gonna date again.  I won’t lock myself in my room and cry for days.  But it’s ok to feel a little sad.  It’s part of life. 

It was so much harder for me because especially in my 30s I had that ticking clock and a more than full time job and bsck then asking men out was not a great idea for women looking for a marriage with a man who wanted to do more of the asking out and that sort of pursuing. I knew I was a bad match for any man who wanted the woman to take most of the lead in asking out and eventually proposing marriage and planning a life together. That sort of man and approach wouldn’t have worked for me.  Dating was incredibly hard and so hard to not react to disappointment by becoming jaded.
 

Of course you feel what you feel. If you feel smitten after this short a time and react by taking it this hard with wounds I’d reevaluate whether dating is for you right now. Dating regularly requires a thick skin. I felt incredibly disappointed at times. I couldn’t control that. I could control my reaction. And my goal was marriage and family so becoming bitter or having a prolonged pity party in reaction to those icky feelings would delay me getting back out there. I didn’t have time to wallow. So I felt my feelings and I had lots of self talks to manage my expectations. So that I could have a better shot at finding my match. You can feel what you feel and manage how you let it affect moving on. My icky feelings were allowed to exist. I chose not to react by letting myself be bitter or jaded or tell myself I was rejected. Cause none of that was true. Feelings are not facts.