I don’t know what to do

[Latinmom]

I’ll cut straight to the point, I’m a 27 year old mom of 3 dating a 40 year old dad of 4. I don’t mind how many kids we have between the both of us, I really like them and they’re on the older side and get along with mine pretty good. He treats me really good, better than I ever have been treated before, I feel very emotionally and physically safe with him. We have great chemistry in and outside the bedroom, we have a lot of fun. He’s a great guy, loves God, encourages me when I’m down, makes me dinner, cleans and takes me out.
 

 Here’s where it gets complicated… he lost his gym during COVID 3 years ago, got a divorce, lost all the money from his divorce and got into a lot of debt, plus the debt from his failed business. It took him 2 years to find a steady job and that was only because he was living out of his truck and I told him I wasn’t going to be with him unless he got a job. He did side gigs here and there but his excuse always was “he’s trying to figure what he really wants to pursue”. Things got a little better after he got a job. He got a one bedroom apartment and his kids visit more often now but I think he has issues with ex over child support. 

My issue is that I don’t feel like he’s a provider, I don’t want to be the breadwinner of this relationship goes further (marriage) I have a good job and pay all my bills on my own. I feel like he has a poor and victim mentality. He says he wants to start a business and provide for me but he never actually sticks to anything and follows thru. I’m the one always giving him ideas on what to do or how to do it. Idk I feel really resentful and just drained, I don’t feel like I can trust him to lead me or a family if we ever become one, I don’t trust him with finances or to run a business. 
 

I’m really torn because I want to give him the chance and I know it’s been a rough couple year for him, but some days I feel like there’s no hope.  Any advice is appreciated 😩

[boltnrun]

Step back and stop trying to "fix" him. You're acting like his mother and unless he has some weirdo Mom fetish, men generally are not romantically attracted to mother figures. Stop making suggestions, stop finding him jobs and stop giving him advice unless he asks for it. Take care of your own household. He'll either step up and take care of himself and his kids or he won't. And if he CHOOSES not to, you can walk away knowing he has CHOSEN not to try to be an equal partner to you. 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Latinmom said:

 I feel like he has a poor and victim mentality. He says he wants to start a business and provide for me but he never actually sticks to anything 

How long have you been dating? It's great you're identifying some serious red flags and watching out for your children.  It's great you didn't buy his poor me stories or let him move in. 

Focus solely on your and your children's wellbeing and future. You don't need a daydreamer who resorts to living in a vehicle and can't even pay child support and has a handy excuse for everything. 

He may be a nice guy, but he's looking for a meal ticket. Please consider cutting your losses.

[Andrina]

12 minutes ago, Latinmom said:

I feel like he has a poor and victim mentality. He says he wants to start a business and provide for me but he never actually sticks to anything and follows thru.

I recall helping someone with their resume. He kept applying for a supervisor job but never was picked. I told him, "You keep writing what you would do in that position, but what you really should be writing down is what you've accomplished in the past that shows how you've handled tasks and  problems. Because anybody can say what they'd do in the future, but you should only have faith in what you're seeing in their past and present--better, more factual indicators.

You're presently seeing how he rolls and it's already causing you resentment. Just think how much that resentment will grow when you're trying to keep your family's head above water financially and he's continuing to show on his resume he's not a good candidate for longevity as far as jobs go. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Latinmom said:

I feel very emotionally and physically safe with him.

 

1 hour ago, Latinmom said:

My issue is that I don’t feel like he’s a provider...  I feel really resentful and just drained, I don’t feel like I can trust him to lead me or a family if we ever become one, I don’t trust him with finances or to run a business. 

I'm confused about these^^ two comments, they seem to contradict each other.  Perhaps they, especially the first needs more context.

Can you share in what ways you feel emotionally safe? 

If you're dead set on needing him to be a provider, if that's the priority for you, he's not your man.  Not right now anyway. 

However if you value his other qualities, the qualities that make you feel safe and secure per your first comment above, and can accept and love him for what he does bring to the table, there is no law stating that you can't provide for your family.  Just as you have been doing, beautifully I might add from what you've written. 

I'm not getting the sense he sees you as a meal ticket. He's a man temporarily down on his luck -  Covid, lost his business, divorce. 

Wow triple whammy there.  My dad went through same after he and my mom divorced and a few years later with the support (not to be confused with help) of his new girlfriend who eventually became my stepmom, he was back on his feet financially to where he was before divorce.  I'd say it took him around five years. 

I would stop giving him advice on jobs, making money and allow him the opportunity to step up and lead like you need him.to.

What often happens with some men (not all) is the more a woman pushes them in one direction, their instincts push them in the other direction.  They feel unmotivated and can get lazy. 

Good luck whatever you decide.

[Batya33]

I would date him, keep your own place, don't mingle finances in any way - if you can accept that marriage may never happen and see him as someone to date exclusively but keep your own households perhaps that resentment will fade since it will be irrelevant?

[shouldhavelearned]

Keep some separation and date. 

Be supportive when you can.

He's had it rough recently and hopefully bounces back with some structure and positive vibes.

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

I feel for him. Being a business owner and losing that and everything else on top of it is emotionally devastating.  It’s a super common topic in the small business/entrepreneurial world. 
 

and with him obtaining debt from a failed relationship, and losing his financial nest, jeeze, that’s so difficult to find the strength to pick up and carry on.  If your stability can be wiped away that easily, how do you get in the mental space to recreate what was supposed to be safe and untouchable? 

 

I say this as someone who went through this as well. Had a really really bad breakup, she depleted me financially, stole from me, I lost an investment property. Etc etc. It was TOUGH moving on from it and being able to see straight 

now with that said, none of this means you need to becomes his caretaker and/or not put up boundaries.  You don’t want to be his caretaker, you want an equally contributing partner. That’s ok. Maybe he can’t be that for you right now. Maybe the two of you leave the door opened to reconnecting in the future when he rebuilds? 
 

is he doing anything mental-health wise to heal from what happened to him? 
 

I got stuck in a rut for like 3 years. But I didn’t date during any of it, to be clear. 

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Latinmom said:

My issue is that I don’t feel like he’s a provider, I don’t want to be the breadwinner of this relationship goes further (marriage)

You're not obligated to take this relationship further. You don't need to take marriage vows against your own best interests and those of your children.

[lostandhurt]

There are plenty of jobs out there and yes they may not be ideal or even close to what he wants to do but they will put food on the table and give him a sense of self worth once again.  He doesn't sound like a go getter or someone that handles adversity very well.  I have known people in very similar circumstances and some took any job no matter how menial, sometimes two so they could get back on their feet WHILE they were figuring out what to do next.  Then there were others that refused to take just any job because it was beneath them or they were to qualified in their minds.  These were the ones that continued to struggle for many years and blamed anything but themselves for their situation.

 Simply put: if you find yourself in the ocean not knowing which way to swim to safety you don't stop treading water until you figure it all out.

 I agree you could keep dating him and keep your distance but for how long?  He doesn't even know what he wants to do so there isn't even a dream or a goal to measure success by.  In the meantime there could be a guy that has his stuff together out there looking for someone like you.

 You are smart to be considering all this.  I am curious how you met and how long you have been dating.  If I was in his shoes the last thing I would be doing would be dragging someone else into my mess.  I would be focusing on getting a place so I could have visitation of my own children, not dating.

Lost

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, Latinmom said:

Things got a little better after he got a job. He got a one bedroom apartment and his kids visit more often now but I think he has issues with ex over child support. 

It's curious that you "think" he's got issues here, but don't actually know. What leads you to think this is in an issue? I am guessing his financial position is obviously not good, but I am wondering how much he's shared with you about what is really happening. 

10 hours ago, Latinmom said:

He says he wants to start a business and provide for me but he never actually sticks to anything and follows thru.

Has he at least stuck to the job he finally found? What is it he's not been sticking to lately? 

I would also be very concerned about his ability to support himself. If he was living out of a truck and not really looking for work because he was "still figuring out what he wants", well, that's a very immature and irresponsible approach to life. When we're in a position like he was, we need to take any job that will help us get by - particularly when there are children involved. The fact that it took him 2 years to realize this is concerning.