Sent a silly message to my wife while she's away. Thoughts please

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, Northernman said:

And yes she is sick. She has told me countless times.

So, why are you surprised she responded the way she did to your message? She is fed up with you which was obvious in her wording. 

Have you called her names before, too? 

 

[Northernman]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

So, why are you surprised she responded the way she did to your message? She is fed up with you which was obvious in her wording. 

Have you called her names before, too? 

 

In arguments probably. I know I havnt exactly painted a picture of my self!!

I need to get it sorted! No one deserves it let alone my wife. 

I will sort it !! That much I can guarantee...

 

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, Northernman said:

In arguments probably

Probably? 

Dude, come on. You would know if you have called her names, unless it's such a regular habit that you have lost track of how often this happens. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

4 hours ago, Northernman said:

"Oh early morning shags with the locals before your mam and sue are up"

I personally find this hilarious, but I joke a lot with the people close to me. I appreciate this sort of banter back and forth. This literally made me laugh when I read it  

with that said: 

 

4 hours ago, Northernman said:

I am an over thinker and a bit insecure.. would an innocent person really send a reply like that?

You know her, do the two of you usually make these sorts of jokes and this time it upset her?  Does she have any history of being unfaithful in any way?  Could be many reasons for someone to respond angrily to that msg that doesn’t involve cheating 

[Northernman]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

Probably? 

Dude, come on. You would know if you have called her names, unless it's such a regular habit that you have lost track of how often this happens. 

Honestly it's not that I don't know because it's that much of a habit.

Its probably because in the heat of an argument.. 

Like I say.. im not running away or putting up my defences.. I deserve some home truths.. 

 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

You know her, do the two of you usually make these sorts of jokes and this time it upset her? 

If you read the entire thread, he admitted to repeatedly accusing his wife of cheating on him and also admitted to calling her names during arguments.  I wouldn't find any of that "hilarious".

[NighttimeNightmare]

4 hours ago, Northernman said:

I am an insecure and jealous person and have questioned her many times in the past accusing her of cheated etc.. 

 

So why did you describe it as a joke in your initial post if it wasn’t a joke?

 

the way you wrote your post made it sound like you two had some sort of fun, joking, carefree connection and you sent a joke as per usual but this time she acted out of character by responding angrily to it and that shocked you. 
 

Here’s the thing: no one can mentally and emotionally cope with being accused of cheating when they aren’t cheating. And repackaging the accusations as a “joke” doesn’t make them better or more palatable

[NighttimeNightmare]

3 hours ago, Northernman said:

After reading everyone's response which I really appreciate, my plan of action is seek some professional help. 

Be loving and positive when she gets home.. make a huge effort to think before i speak and try and put this mess right.

That’s good, the fact you posted here shows you’re at least opened to help and feedback. 
 

find a professional who specializes in actually treating your issues/core wounds, not just years and years of talk therapy.  Not sure what your issues exactly are, but EMDR, CBT, and/or DBT may be things to look into. You need tools to be able to note and properly define your feelings, and then a proper place to put the thoughts and emotions - in a healthy way.  And those types of therapy will help you build those foundational blocks up in yourself

in other words: don’t think that just wanting to do and be better is enough, it isn’t, you’ll revert right back to the name calling and accusations when you’re triggered again. Actually see a qualified professional and stick with the journey 

 

3 hours ago, Northernman said:

What worries me hugely is..

What if she does cheat.. ive let my self be vulnerable, I've let my guard down.. I know no one can stop that from happening but yeah..

In therapy when you rebuild yourself a healthy foundation, what someone else may do to you becomes less and less scary.  You don’t have the necessary building blocks needed to trust yourself so you have resorted to controlling your environment, which is your wife, by accusing her and devoting your time to trying to catch her in something. It’s a false sense of safety and control, and she becomes a victim of your issues 

when you learn to see clearly and trust yourself, you know you have the tools and emotional resources to deal with someone cheating on you if it should happen. If there are actual signs of cheating, you have the skillset learned in therapy to talk in an opened and healthy way with your partner, instead of “jokingly” trying to seek answers to confirm your suspicions 

look, people cheat. Lots of people cheat. You’ve been with your wife for 20 years. Has there been anything she’s done that you can actually say is incriminating? Cold hard facts, not just your fear making up stories.  
 

even if you can say “yes” to that, it doesn’t give your behavior a pass. There are stable and healthy ways to deal with may be betraying you which doesn’t include staying with them for 20 years, having kids, and accusing them every time they leave the house 

 

so either way, you’ve got options and a lot of work to do  

[Northernman]

28 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

That’s good, the fact you posted here shows you’re at least opened to help and feedback. 
 

find a professional who specializes in actually treating your issues/core wounds, not just years and years of talk therapy.  Not sure what your issues exactly are, but EMDR, CBT, and/or DBT may be things to look into. You need tools to be able to note and properly define your feelings, and then a proper place to put the thoughts and emotions - in a healthy way.  And those types of therapy will help you build those foundational blocks up in yourself

in other words: don’t think that just wanting to do and be better is enough, it isn’t, you’ll revert right back to the name calling and accusations when you’re triggered again. Actually see a qualified professional and stick with the journey 

 

In therapy when you rebuild yourself a healthy foundation, what someone else may do to you becomes less and less scary.  You don’t have the necessary building blocks needed to trust yourself so you have resorted to controlling your environment, which is your wife, by accusing her and devoting your time to trying to catch her in something. It’s a false sense of safety and control, and she becomes a victim of your issues 

when you learn to see clearly and trust yourself, you know you have the tools and emotional resources to deal with someone cheating on you if it should happen. If there are actual signs of cheating, you have the skillset learned in therapy to talk in an opened and healthy way with your partner, instead of “jokingly” trying to seek answers to confirm your suspicions 

look, people cheat. Lots of people cheat. You’ve been with your wife for 20 years. Has there been anything she’s done that you can actually say is incriminating? Cold hard facts, not just your fear making up stories.  
 

even if you can say “yes” to that, it doesn’t give your behavior a pass. There are stable and healthy ways to deal with may be betraying you which doesn’t include staying with them for 20 years, having kids, and accusing them every time they leave the house 

 

so either way, you’ve got options and a lot of work to do  

Wow ehat a great post thank you. No I'm not just saying I'm going to change, I am going to seek help. Other people's opinions have opened my eyes big time.

You hit the nail on the head big time with the need to build a healthy foundation for my self.. I couldn't agree more. Ive lost my own self of identity, unstable and anxious.

I certainly don't want to be controlling!!

I will look into what you have mentioned right now and take action tomorrow.

Again appreciate it.

I really hope I can turn this around.

[Capricorn3]

12 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Actually, yes, yes they would. I would be super pissy to be accused of cheating when I didn’t . Besides who goes on holiday with their MOTHER to cheat? I don’t know anyone who does that . 

^ I second this post.

[Capricorn3]

12 hours ago, Northernman said:

"Oh early morning shags with the locals before your mam and sue are up"

She replied with an angry face emoji and ***???

What kind of reply did you expect? Serious question.  What if she agreed with you and said: "Oh absolutely!  It's the best thing ever!"   Would you been happy with that response?  Is that what you hoped for? 

[shouldhavelearned]

Shouldn't have sent it

[lostandhurt]

So you are insecure, are awful and make statements disguised as jokes because you are insecure.

What are you doing about it?  Seriously, what steps have you taken to get help with your issues?

Therapy? Books? Hypnosis? 

Just apologizing and admitting you are insecure and awful is doing nothing to help you learn where these insecurities come from and why you seem to act like a child when she is away from you.

Lost

[catfeeder]

14 hours ago, Northernman said:

I am an insecure and jealous person and have questioned her many times in the past accusing her of cheated etc.. 

Well, then your joke was not a joke, and I can understand her reaction to it.

[justme80]

As a guy, i can totally understand why she would be pissed off by this comment, even though the intent was a joke. Early on in my relationship with my GF i made a banter comment to her about her stuffing a load of food in her mouth. She did put a lot in her mouth and i said "wow can you fit anymore in"? along with a big grin on my face. Oh my god, she did NOT take to that comment well AT ALL. I was in the doghouse for a good 2 days. Some girls will like and take banter, others wont. Everyone is different. You have to be careful and think about what you say. I certainly think twice when i open my mouth from now on.

[Coily]

I'm reminded of a post a while back, a woman who like yourself OP, was wildly insecure and would make baseless accusations of her husband cheating. He snapped and cussed her out, then like yourself, she took that as him being an absolute vindictive wisearse. Unlike you she refused to see the role she played in abusively badgering the man with constant accusations.

So make a genuine effort to make amends to your wife here.

[boltnrun]

4 hours ago, justme80 said:

As a guy, i can totally understand why she would be pissed off by this comment, even though the intent was a joke. Early on in my relationship with my GF i made a banter comment to her about her stuffing a load of food in her mouth. She did put a lot in her mouth and i said "wow can you fit anymore in"? along with a big grin on my face. Oh my god, she did NOT take to that comment well AT ALL. I was in the doghouse for a good 2 days. Some girls will like and take banter, others wont. Everyone is different. You have to be careful and think about what you say. I certainly think twice when i open my mouth from now on.

But in the OP's case this wasn't "banter". He admitted he regularly accuses her of cheating and calls her names like "idiot" during arguments.

[Jaunty]

On 9/17/2023 at 6:56 AM, Northernman said:

Thanks. I will look at seeing a therapist. I dont want to live with trust issues, anxiety or over thinking any more.

You need to see the separation between your "trust issues, anxiety and overthinking" as well as your insecurity, and your BEHAVIOR.

Yes, you need to deal with your personal problems that are messing with your head.

But this particular thread is about how you behave.  You come off like an abuser.