Long-distance guy - update

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

I don't think it's a fear of intimacy. When we talked about him visiting, I didn't feel like I needed space or that it would be too much.don't like phone calls in general, 

It's not fear of intimacy.  You just don't like phone calls. No reason to overcomplicate things. Trust Your Own  instincts. You know yourself better than others. There's enough complications in the world without absorbing other's angst. 

[Batya33]

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's not fear of intimacy.  You just don't like phone calls. No reason to overcomplicate things. Trust Your Own  instincts. You know yourself better than others. There's enough complications in the world without absorbing other's angst. 

I don’t either. And I think it’s a good fear to work on getting over. Meaning fear of voice on the phone etc

[NighttimeNightmare]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

I don't think it's a fear of intimacy. When we talked about him visiting, I didn't feel like I needed space or that it would be too much

Ok, that’s good awareness about yourself then.  You could just see if he’s ok with using the voice chat for himself, while you text.  If not, may be an opportunity for compromise 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, kim42 said:

I don't think it's a fear of intimacy. When we talked about him visiting, I didn't feel like I needed space or that it would be too much.

Kim I admit I'm not a shrink but that is not what fear of emotional closeness/ intimacy is.  You could spend every day with your partner 24/7 and still have a fear of intimacy if that time spent is surface level with no vulnerability attached to it. 

Here's how WebMD defines:

>>Fear of intimacy is often subconscious and affects a person's ability to form or maintain close relationships. They don't intentionally reject love from another. Instead, they may behave in ways that create stress in a relationship, resulting in an early end, before any deeper intimacy can develop.<<

I am NOT suggesting you suffer from this fear but it is worth exploring imo, I did!  And realized I struggled with this fear on some level and it was definitely impacting my relationships in a negative way.  I sought professional help for it and it literally changed my life and the quality of my relationships.

JMO but I do think it's unusual that you have held so tightly to this ambiguous situation for as long as you have.  

Honestly, I don't know many women who are actually interested in a close committed relationship who would be.

Re the dislike or as you yourself even admitted - fear -  of talking on phone, it may be something as simple as you dislike your voice but then again it could be something deeper.  You appear to be struggling with some major anxiety about it. 

As the snippet from WebMD states, people with such fears/anxieties are often unaware of them.

Just something to consider that's all.

 

 

 

 

[Jaunty]

I hope that you'll consider just having conversations with him on the phone.  The voice message and text message combo seems  awkward ... like you'll go to great lengths to avoid talking to each other.

[Kwothe28]

I dont think Kim has a fear of intimacy. I do think Kim is just probably average millenial/genZ member about whom I talked on a different thread. And how they avoid phone calls and prefer text messages because first causes them anxiety and text messages give them time to respond so they prefer that as a mean of communication. 

Anyway, I do have a different observation about the whole case. Kim, I think not conneting with anyone in real life is in part because you have a 20 pages thread about some other guy. Who still doesnt want to come to see you while you saw him twice(Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh he doesnt have a job, I had a job there excuse). And all this texting/sending voice mails doesnt really do you any favor in that department. I am sorry, but at one point you would have to let this go completely. And focus on something actually feasible to make a romantic relationship. 

[kim42]

3 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I hope that you'll consider just having conversations with him on the phone.  The voice message and text message combo seems  awkward ... like you'll go to great lengths to avoid talking to each other.

I realize it might be a little weird if I just continue to text him so I'll probably suggest a phone call soon.

Thank you everyone for helping me overcome my dislike/fear of phone calls.

@rainbowsandroses I don't think this has to have a deeper meaning, I simply don't like phone calls, I have several friends like this and it doesn't mean we fear intimacy. If I didn't want to get closer to him, I wouldn't want him to come visit me.

I know some people might think it's strange to stay in touch because of the distance and his job situation. We get along very well and we both want to see each other again so that's why I stay touch in touch with him. It's not because I want to avoid having a close relationship.

[kim42]

42 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dont think Kim has a fear of intimacy. I do think Kim is just probably average millenial/genZ member about whom I talked on a different thread. And how they avoid phone calls and prefer text messages because first causes them anxiety and text messages give them time to respond so they prefer that as a mean of communication. 

Anyway, I do have a different observation about the whole case. Kim, I think not conneting with anyone in real life is in part because you have a 20 pages thread about some other guy. Who still doesnt want to come to see you while you saw him twice(Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh he doesnt have a job, I had a job there excuse). And all this texting/sending voice mails doesnt really do you any favor in that department. I am sorry, but at one point you would have to let this go completely. And focus on something actually feasible to make a romantic relationship. 

I keep posting here because it helps me to learn to better handle some situations, not just with him but generally with people.

I'm sure I mentioned this before, but I do go on dates with other men too, so it's not like I stay home all the time, waiting for this guy.

He's told me several times that he wants to come to visit once he finds a job. Since I've known him for a while now, I don't think he would say it if he didn't mean it. He's been unemployed for around 6 months now so I don't think it's an excuse.

Again, just because I keep posting about him, it doesn't mean I don't have other things in life.

If you think I'm wasting my time or he's lying to me, that's ok, I don't expect everyone to agree with me.

[Kwothe28]

1 minute ago, kim42 said:

I'm sure I mentioned this before, but I do go on dates with other men too, so it's not like I stay home all the time, waiting for this guy.

I read it. Just think you are not focused on other people because this is still an ongoing thing. And that it doesnt do you good in maybe connecting with somebody else where you could achieve a relationship. As you already feel connected here. Just my opinion and something to think about. 

[kim42]

24 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I read it. Just think you are not focused on other people because this is still an ongoing thing. And that it doesnt do you good in maybe connecting with somebody else where you could achieve a relationship. As you already feel connected here. Just my opinion and something to think about. 

I sadly didn't meet anyone recently in my city who I'd like click with, and he'd be looking for a relationship too. There were some men last year I was interested in, but either they were flaky, or they just wanted to sleep with me.

I try to have an open mind when I go on a date but lately I had very little in common with the men I met locally. 

I didn't start a thread for every man I went out a date wih last year but I don't think I could have connected better with them if I didn't have this long distance guy in my life.

[Batya33]

Kim -an example - I have a friend who I was a penpal with only by calls and texts for about 2 years. We met through my mom FB group and she lives 20 minutes drive/an hour by public transit in an area I've been to a number of times and two of her kids lived right near me in the city.  We didn't meet because of pandemic and even covid (her family had it).  But we planned to -and did a couple of months ago and hopefully will again.

Background.  she dislikes texting.  I love phone calls but over the last year especially have had real restrictions on when I can do a proper catch up. We've actually texted a lot more than I would have thought given her dislike. 

Last week she asked if I had time for a phone call and it had been so long.  I was swamped with work, I was anxious about work, my son was home sick.  Terrible timing. 

And - I self-talked quickly - work will always be there. We have so little time to talk and she's asking and it's been so long -we needed to reconnect that way.  I said yes which was highly unusual for me - my reflex would have been a big fat no.  I'm so so glad I self-talked, went against my instinct -and she knew my situation and it showed her I cared about connecting, cared about her dislike of texting (which would have been easier with my work load/kid interruptions - I stepped up.  Also I faced my fear of not focusing on work.  It really meant a lot -overall -you'd be surprised.  And it wasn't easy for me -I can relate.  

[Sindy_0311]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Anyway, I do have a different observation about the whole case. Kim, I think not conneting with anyone in real life is in part because you have a 20 pages thread about some other guy. Who still doesnt want to come to see you while you saw him twice(Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh he doesnt have a job, I had a job there excuse). And all this texting/sending voice mails doesnt really do you any favor in that department. I am sorry, but at one point you would have to let this go completely. And focus on something actually feasible to make a romantic relationship. 

I totally agree with all that's been said by @Kwothe28

I think in your case, the wisest thing to do would be to send him a text like: 

“I do enjoy our conversations and meeting last summer. But as you may know, I have a lot going on and often don’t have much time to respond to your texts. As I don’t want to left you on read, I suggest you hit me up if you wish to come visit me, and until then I wish you good luck to find your dream job. I hope everything turns out well for you.”

In my opinion, you are way to invested in this, and I do think that the connection you sense with this guy might prevent you from recognizing the right guy once he shows up. I think it’s time for you to move on Kim. This whole messages and texting isn't helping you in any way. 

Still, you don't cut him off completely: If he calls in six months when he gets a job and wants to come see you, if you are still single, then great. If he never calls, then you will have saved 6 month of your life and maybe overcome your attraction for him and met another great guy.

I’m afraid this situation will drag on indefinitely… Think about it. 

[kim42]

26 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I totally agree with all that's been said by @Kwothe28

I think in your case, the wisest thing to do would be to send him a text like: 

“I do enjoy our conversations and meeting last summer. But as you may know, I have a lot going on and often don’t have much time to respond to your texts. As I don’t want to left you on read, I suggest you hit me up if you wish to come visit me, and until then I wish you good luck to find your dream job. I hope everything turns out well for you.”

In my opinion, you are way to invested in this, and I do think that the connection you sense with this guy might prevent you from recognizing the right guy once he shows up. I think it’s time for you to move on Kim. This whole messages and texting isn't helping you in any way. 

Still, you don't cut him off completely: If he calls in six months when he gets a job and wants to come see you, if you are still single, then great. If he never calls, then you will have saved 6 month of your life and maybe overcome your attraction for him and met another great guy.

I’m afraid this situation will drag on indefinitely… Think about it. 

I know you're trying to help and I don't want to sound rude but I didn't ask how to stop interacting with him. I enjoy talking to him and learning things about myself.

I honestly don't think I would have started seriously dating any of the guys I met last year, even if he wasn't in the picture. Either they were not looking for a relationship or we simply were not compatible.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, kim42 said:

 I didn't ask how to stop interacting with him. I enjoy talking to him and learning things about myself.

Agree. You enjoy his friendship and interaction and whatever it is you have and that's fine. No harm. Please don't send a rude "breakup" text about "when you get a job, contact me, good luck".   No reason to be that mean to anyone for any reason..

[rainbowsandroses]

5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Just think you are not focused on other people because this is still an ongoing thing. And that it doesnt do you good in maybe connecting with somebody else where you could achieve a relationship. As you already feel connected here. Just my opinion and something to think about. 

Bingo!  Totally agree @Kwothe28and was exactly what I was referring to in my previous post about fears of closeness/intimacy and anxieties again of which many people are unaware of consciously but show up in the choices they make and how they interact in relationships or in this case situationship (more than friendship but not a relationship).

I'm speaking from experience so there's some projection but I've also done a ton of reading about it and learned many things through therapy as well.

It's all related and there is a reason why Kim is choosing this ambiguous long distance 'situationship' with a man she isn't sure she will ever see again!  

And unable to feel attraction to local men.

@Kim it's not just about texts or phone calls.  That's just a "symptom."

It is this mostly (below quoted) and imo you would be very wise to at least consider it assuming you DO want a committed long term relationship some day.  

10 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

JMO but I do think it's unusual that you have held so tightly to this ambiguous situation for as long as you have.  

Honestly, I don't know many women who are actually interested in a close committed relationship who would be.

Not sure if you ever mentioned it but have you ever been married?  What were your previous long term relationships like?   

You don't have to answer to us, I'm only asking for you to reflect upon.  Again assuming you DO want a committed relationship some day. 

Frankly, imo that is unclear given your willingness to remain in this situation where there is not much happening but you're hoping for more?

Anyway, nuff said about this from me!!  Again just some things to consider if you're interested that's all. 

Be happy. 

[Sindy_0311]

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

I know you're trying to help and I don't want to sound rude but I didn't ask how to stop interacting with him

Don’t worry, you are not being rude. I wasn’t telling you how to stop interacting with him, but rather why (sorry again). And I wasn’t specifically talking about the guys you met last year, but about the one that you might meet soon if you give yourself a chance to be 100% emotionally available for him. 

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

I enjoy talking to him and learning things about myself.

What exactly are you learning about yourself? 

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. You enjoy his friendship and interaction and whatever it is you have and that's fine. No harm. Please don't send a rude "breakup" text about "when you get a job, contact me, good luck".   No reason to be that mean to anyone for any reason..

It’s not mean to wish someone good luck and the best. But I do think people need to set better boundaries based on their expectations or what they want for their lives. If you are attracted to someone and wish for something more but the OP cannot meet you there, then you distance yourself, it’s common sense. 

In this case, I don’t think it’s a friendship (friends don’t kiss each other), so I don’t see any harm in deciding to distance if it doesn’t lead anywhere for the moment. Man, If I had to remain friendly with every emotionally unavailable guys I’ve dated, I would be on the phone 24/7. At some point, you decide what’s best for you and just take some distance to move on and find someone ready and that has the same desires as you.

I had to clarify, but I will leave it at that.   

[kim42]

28 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Bingo!  Totally agree @Kwothe28and was exactly what I was referring to in my previous post about fears of closeness/intimacy and anxieties again of which many people are unaware of consciously but show up in the choices they make and how they interact in relationships or in this case situationship.

I'm speaking from experience so there's some projection but I've also done a ton of reading about it and learned many things through therapy as well.

It's all related and there is a reason why Kim is choosing this ambiguous long distance situation with a man she isn't sure she will ever see again!  

@Kim it's not just about texts or phone calls.  That's just a "symptom."

It is this mostly (below quoted) and imo you would be very wise to at least consider it assuming you DO want a committed long term relationship some day.  

Not sure if you ever mentioned it but have you ever been married?  What were your previous long term relationships?    

Anyway, nuff said about this from me!!  Again just some things to consider if you're interested that's all. 

Be happy. 

I just don't like phone calls, and I think there's no need to overanalyze it to this extent.

Again, it's not as if I refuse to go on dates with other men, I didn't put my life on hold because of him.

I've explained several times why I like him so I don't feel like repeating myself again. I understand that some women would get tired in this situation and stop talking to him. I chose to stay in touch. The same way as I probably wouldn't go for drinks with a random man I met in the elevator without knowing his name, but you liked his approach and met up with him.

I'm focusing on the phone call thing now so we don't need to overcomplicate this.

[Sindy_0311]

23 hours ago, kim42 said:

I feel silly now that I was nervous to listen to it.

I think you were nervous because you have developed strong feelings for him. ^^

[kim42]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Kim -an example - I have a friend who I was a penpal with only by calls and texts for about 2 years. We met through my mom FB group and she lives 20 minutes drive/an hour by public transit in an area I've been to a number of times and two of her kids lived right near me in the city.  We didn't meet because of pandemic and even covid (her family had it).  But we planned to -and did a couple of months ago and hopefully will again.

Background.  she dislikes texting.  I love phone calls but over the last year especially have had real restrictions on when I can do a proper catch up. We've actually texted a lot more than I would have thought given her dislike. 

Last week she asked if I had time for a phone call and it had been so long.  I was swamped with work, I was anxious about work, my son was home sick.  Terrible timing. 

And - I self-talked quickly - work will always be there. We have so little time to talk and she's asking and it's been so long -we needed to reconnect that way.  I said yes which was highly unusual for me - my reflex would have been a big fat no.  I'm so so glad I self-talked, went against my instinct -and she knew my situation and it showed her I cared about connecting, cared about her dislike of texting (which would have been easier with my work load/kid interruptions - I stepped up.  Also I faced my fear of not focusing on work.  It really meant a lot -overall -you'd be surprised.  And it wasn't easy for me -I can relate.  

Thanks, Batya, for sharing this. I think I'd be more comfortable with a regular phone call thab sending him a voice message. I've never been into these voice notes. In person we talked for hours so I think it should be easy on the phone too. I realize this fear/dislike for phone calls is just in my head so let's see how I can overcome it.

[kim42]

7 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I think you were nervous because you have developed strong feelings for him. ^^

As I said yesterday, I was afraid he had an accident or something happened to him since it was the first time he sent a voice note.

[boltnrun]

I think he sent a voice note because he was hoping you would send one back.

It's all about compromise. It's really not fair to always do things your preferred way (text) and not at least half the time do them his preferred way (voice note). 

And who knows, maybe he likes listening to your voice. I can't tell you how many times I've been told "I just wanted to hear your voice" by someone who cares about me and who I care about. Maybe it comforts him while he's going through a stressful time.

My brother is currently going through an extremely stressful time. He's been calling me because reading words on a tiny screen just doesn't comfort him the way talking to me does. He also called his close friend to talk. Not text. 

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, kim42 said:

As I said yesterday, I was afraid he had an accident or something happened to him since it was the first time he sent a voice note.

All the more reason to want to listen to it!!

I'm sorry but your reasoning makes no sense.

When a person cares and they suspect something may have happened to the person they care about, they'd want to listen to the VM or voice note ASAP, not avoid listening.

I think you're in deep denial about a few things Kim but I've said my piece, and wish you luck. 

[kim42]

10 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

All the more reason to want to listen to it!!

I'm sorry but your reasoning makes no sense.

When a person cares and they suspect something may have happened to the person they care about, they'd want to listen to the VM or voice note ASAP, not avoid listening.

I think you're in deep denial about a few things Kim but I've said my piece, and wish you luck. 

I was at work so I couldn't listen to it right after he sent it. By the time I could listen to it, I had this accident scenario in my head and was nervous about it. I'm not sure what's so unusual about my reaction.

I always said I liked him, I never denied that. 

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I just don't like phone calls, and I think there's no need to overanalyze it to this extent.'I  m focusing on the phone call thing now so we don't need to overcomplicate this.

Agree. There's no reason to overanalyze. Hopefully you can continue your discussion in peace about the calls and voice notes and how to proceed. Have you been texting in reply to his voice notes? 

[rainbowsandroses]

@kim42no one is "over-analyzing."  Yes many of us are analyzing and expressing opinion based on what you have been sharing, which is what people do on forums like this.

And encouraging you to reflect and introspect about your own motivations for why you choose this situation which currently is filled with so much ambiguity and uncertainty.  

It's how we learn, grow and evolve.

If you don't want to do that, totally fine! 

I respect that and again wish you luck.