Long-distance guy - update

[kim42]

8 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I don't understand why he doesn't take some kind of interim job to tide him over until something in his field that interests him becomes available.

You said you knew him from working on things together remotely.  What happened to the job he had at that time?

I believe he wants to focus on finding a job in his field for now.

He left the job through which we worked on some projects together for a different job, that turned out to be not what he was looking for, so he quit.

I think he underestimated the situation and probably thought he could find another job easily.

[Sindy_0311]

11 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I mean, he could be looking for a job another 4 months (hopefully not).

Probably... its been more than 9 month now, correct? in the event he finds a new job, he will need some time to adjust to his new life. See I have been dating a guy last summer for about 3 month (festival guy for the ones who read my thread about him). He was about to change job, for a more stressful one. he was completely absorbed by his new responsibilities and the new adjustments he had to do it was a big deal for him. Thinking about our relationship a few month later, I realized that he wasn't in a good place to build anything with me, even though he liked me and seemed genuine. He was preoccupied most of the time and anxious. 

I think men in general have a hard time focusing on multiple things. (multitasking is a feminine thing) If you meet a guy who is going through a big change in his life, he probably won't be ready to welcome a relationship. some men even need 6 month to adjust to their new jobs and feel comfortable and ready to shift their focus on something else, a woman for instance... 

 

[kim42]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Probably... its been more than 9 month now, correct? in the event he finds a new job, he will need some time to adjust to his new life. See I have been dating a guy last summer for about 3 month (festival guy for the ones who read my thread about him). He was about to change job, for a more stressful one. he was completely absorbed by his new responsibilities and the new adjustments he had to do it was a big deal for him. Thinking about our relationship a few month later, I realized that he wasn't in a good place to build anything with me, even though he liked me and seemed genuine. He was preoccupied most of the time and anxious. 

I think men in general have a hard time focusing on multiple things. (multitasking is a feminine thing) If you meet a guy who is going through a big change in his life, he probably won't be ready to welcome a relationship. some men even need 6 month to adjust to their new jobs and feel comfortable and ready to shift their focus on something else, a woman for instance... 

 

Yes, I remember the festival guy. Thank you, Sindy, I agree that a new job is a big change.

[boltnrun]

Being unemployed is terrifying. I've been there. 

I don't think it's a good idea to run up a credit card balance when you're unemployed. What happens when the bill comes in? Making only the minimum payment is bad for your credit rating. 

I also don't recommend visiting him. That'll just get you even more attached.

If he's not willing to obtain some sort of stopgap employment he could be in this situation for a long while. 

I hope you are continuing to date and meet others. No need to put yourself on hold for someone whose future is so uncertain.

[kim42]

12 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Being unemployed is terrifying. I've been there. 

I don't think it's a good idea to run up a credit card balance when you're unemployed. What happens when the bill comes in? Making only the minimum payment is bad for your credit rating. 

I also don't recommend visiting him. That'll just get you even more attached.

If he's not willing to obtain some sort of stopgap employment he could be in this situation for a long while. 

I hope you are continuing to date and meet others. No need to put yourself on hold for someone whose future is so uncertain.

Yes, I'm meeting local men.

As much as I like this guy, I'm very aware of the fact that his situation is uncertain.

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I think men in general have a hard time focusing on multiple things. (multitasking is a feminine thing) If you meet a guy who is going through a big change in his life, he probably won't be ready to welcome a relationship. some men even need 6 month to adjust to their new jobs and feel comfortable and ready to shift their focus on something else, a woman for instance... 

Yep, this is insightful. While of course it's not a clear cut binary split, men tend to associate their career with much of their identity to a greater degree than most women. Yet even as a woman, I'm in no particular mood to date when I'm unemployed, so maybe I can relate to that.

While there are certain private aspects of being in work limbo that can feel energizing and full of possibilities, there's a social aspect that feels "...Meh...please don't ask me about this..." Well, that's an energetic wall that's pretty broad. It's not just a barrier to discussing a job search, it stifles discussion about what you've been up to--now that you can't afford to do your rock climbing, your tennis, your trips to Aruba...all of the other aspects of your life that you've identified with in the past.

It takes a certain kind of person to relax into their temporary 'retirement' and enjoy all facets of simply 'being'. Not much to talk about there... it's on the 'inner'. 

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I don't think it's a good idea to run up a credit card balance when you're unemployed.

This. It would be unwise to charge a ticket to his card when he doesn't have any income at the moment. 

11 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I also don't recommend visiting him. That'll just get you even more attached.

I also agree with this. 

Kim, you are smart to sit back a bit. It's nice that you two are communicating more, but I would not hold my breath for another visit any time soon.  It seems the job hunt is not going well at all and it could be quite a while before he's got disposable income again. 

[kim42]

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Yep, this is insightful. While of course it's not a clear cut binary split, men tend to associate their career with much of their identity to a greater degree than most women. Yet even as a woman, I'm in no particular mood to date when I'm unemployed, so maybe I can relate to that.

While there are certain private aspects of being in work limbo that can feel energizing and full of possibilities, there's a social aspect that feels "...Meh...please don't ask me about this..." Well, that's an energetic wall that's pretty broad. It's not just a barrier to discussing a job search, it stifles discussion about what you've been up to--now that you can't afford to do your rock climbing, your tennis, your trips to Aruba...all of the other aspects of your life that you've identified with in the past.

It takes a certain kind of person to relax into their temporary 'retirement' and enjoy all facets of simply 'being'. Not much to talk about there... it's on the 'inner'. 

Yes, I don't want to ask too much or to often about his job search because I know he's been a little frustrated, which is understandable.

He shares updates about job interviews with me even without me asking so I still know how things are going.

And I agree, it's also makes harder to have the 'what you've been up to' conversation. The good thing is that we still have things to talk about.

[kim42]

48 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This. It would be unwise to charge a ticket to his card when he doesn't have any income at the moment. 

I also agree with this. 

Kim, you are smart to sit back a bit. It's nice that you two are communicating more, but I would not hold my breath for another visit any time soon.  It seems the job hunt is not going well at all and it could be quite a while before he's got disposable income again. 

Yes, that's what I've been thinking lately. I've been focusing on my life as much as I can, and I'll try to stay busy without getting too attached to the idea of a future visit.

 

[kim42]

A little update

 

He's received a rejection email for this job that he had several interviews for, and he was feeling quite confident about it.

 

He sent me several messages to vent, and it's clear he's pretty frustrated at this point. I tried to be supportive, and we talked about his situation.

 

He's been sharing updates about his job research without me asking, so it's not like I keep asking him all the time.

 

He doesn't have other interviews scheduled at the moment and he's a little depressed, and it seems to be affecting our conversation this week. 

 

I understand that it has probably little to do with me and more about how he feels right now but I'm still a little upset, I guess.

 

Anyway, just wanted to get this off my chest and as I said last week, I'm trying to keep myself busy and focus on my life.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, kim42 said:

He's received a rejection email for this job that he had several interviews for. He sent me several messages to vent, and it's clear he's pretty frustrated at this point. I tried to be supportive, and we talked about his situation.

That's a shame. It was nice to let him talk and be supportive. While it does impact his availability as far as visiting each other, you can still be friends and talk in the meantime. 

[MissCanuck]

Do you mean he’s messaging less frequently? 

As many of us have been saying from the beginning, be careful not to get your hopes up too much with this guy. It’s going to be best to dial back communication since you have no idea when (or if) you will see each other again. You don’t want to find yourself too attached to having a digital pen-pal, in other words. 
 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

A little update

 

He's received a rejection email for this job that he had several interviews for, and he was feeling quite confident about it.

 

He sent me several messages to vent, and it's clear he's pretty frustrated at this point. I tried to be supportive, and we talked about his situation.

 

He's been sharing updates about his job research without me asking, so it's not like I keep asking him all the time.

 

He doesn't have other interviews scheduled at the moment and he's a little depressed, and it seems to be affecting our conversation this week. 

 

I understand that it has probably little to do with me and more about how he feels right now but I'm still a little upset, I guess.

 

Anyway, just wanted to get this off my chest and as I said last week, I'm trying to keep myself busy and focus on my life.

 

 

Oh that's hard -been there -meaning his situation.  I'd back off of it -not at all as some sort of game or test -I mean it sounds like you are very giving and kind and helpful and he may not be able to receive it now -for example discussions about what he might do different next time on an interview or a pep talk about potential opportunities/networking -your good intentions -might not be what he wants now -from you. I'd be tempted to ask him if he'd talked to friends knowledgeable about the industry or considered asking recruiters for tips but..... I'd probably read the room and back off. 

[boltnrun]

You're right, his job situation isn't about you. I'm glad you realize this.

I agree with just stepping back and letting him contact you when he feels up to it. I also agree with redirecting your focus to be less on hoping some kind of relationship happens with him and more on meeting others. 

[kim42]

31 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Do you mean he’s messaging less frequently? 

As many of us have been saying from the beginning, be careful not to get your hopes up too much with this guy. It’s going to be best to dial back communication since you have no idea when (or if) you will see each other again. You don’t want to find yourself too attached to having a digital pen-pal, in other words. 
 

 

 

 

So we've been sharing updates with each other for a while now, and when I share an update or things from my life, he's always interested and asks me questions, but when I shared something with him this week (1 day after the rejection happened), his reply was a little dry and he didn't seem very interested in what I said. I don't expect to have a long conversation everytime we talk but I know this is not how he usually reacts.

 

Again, I know this is probably because of his current situation and how he feels at the monent - he told me himself he feels depressed.

 

Yes, I'm definitely stepping back because I don't want to get too attached, as you said. 

 

 

[catfeeder]

15 hours ago, kim42 said:

He's received a rejection email for this job that he had several interviews for, and he was feeling quite confident about it.

 

He sent me several messages to vent, and it's clear he's pretty frustrated at this point. I tried to be supportive, and we talked about his situation.

 

He's been sharing updates about his job research without me asking, so it's not like I keep asking him all the time.

I'm sorry to hear this. I'm glad he feels comfortable enough with you to share his updates--even a lousy one. I think you recognize that this isn't a good time for any temperature readings on how he feels about you.

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

Meh. What is there for her to step back from? 

she’s met someone she enjoys talking to and she doesn’t sound fantastical about thinking they’re going to get together or anything.  Sounds like she’s just taking it as it all comes, and allowing what will be to be - including using this board as an aid to help refocus and learn healthier coping mechanisms. 
 

so on that note, good on you for identifying his behavior is likely just due to other external factors.  Keep doing things for yourself and having an opened heart for whatever may come your way 

[kim42]

5 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Meh. What is there for her to step back from? 

she’s met someone she enjoys talking to and she doesn’t sound fantastical about thinking they’re going to get together or anything.  Sounds like she’s just taking it as it all comes, and allowing what will be to be - including using this board as an aid to help refocus and learn healthier coping mechanisms. 
 

so on that note, good on you for identifying his behavior is likely just due to other external factors.  Keep doing things for yourself and having an opened heart for whatever may come your way 

Yes, exactly, posting here helps me to handle this situation a little better, and also to understand myself more.

Sure, I'd like to see him again but I do realize him finding a job might sadly take a long time so I need to manage my expectations accordingly.

Staying busy and focusing on my routine and goals helps me a lot.

[Sindy_0311]

Sorry he got rejected for the job. I know some fields are very specific. I have always been working in art galleries and when I left my previous one I knew it would take some time to find another perfect job. That’s the reason why I worked for 18 months in a basic job I really didn’t like while improving my knowledge through online courses, until I found my new art gallery. It took some time and I knew I wouldn’t find something so easily so I hope it will turn out good for him.

It's good he is keeping in touch and being friendly with you. Do you sometimes flirt over text? Did he ever mentioned the kiss you exchanged, or does he compliment you in a flirty way? 

And how about your dates? Are capable of meeting other guys without comparing them to him?

[kim42]

44 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Sorry he got rejected for the job. I know some fields are very specific. I have always been working in art galleries and when I left my previous one I knew it would take some time to find another perfect job. That’s the reason why I worked for 18 months in a basic job I really didn’t like while improving my knowledge through online courses, until I found my new art gallery. It took some time and I knew I wouldn’t find something so easily so I hope it will turn out good for him.

It's good he is keeping in touch and being friendly with you. Do you sometimes flirt over text? Did he ever mentioned the kiss you exchanged, or does he compliment you in a flirty way? 

And how about your dates? Are capable of meeting other guys without comparing them to him?

Thank you, Sindy, I'll think of you when I'll be at an art gallery in Switzerland🙂

I'm not a big fan of heavy flirting over text if a man is not my boyfriend yet because I had bad experience with it - it would usually turn into sexting or the guy would ask for pictures, and I really don't want to go down this road with him. I like that he's a gentlemen.

We have our own jokes by now, we often interact in a jokey/teasing way because we have the same sense of humor. And he sends me funny videos sometimes. 

We didn't talk about that kiss, I don't think it's necessary, it was a sweet moment, and I usually let these things just happen. 

As for other dates, for now just basic coffee/cocktail dates that didn't lead anywhere. Usually there is no spark on my end, or we have little in common. It's not always easy to not compare but I've been doing my best to avoid it.

[Sindy_0311]

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

I'm not a big fan of heavy flirting over text if a man is not my boyfriend yet because I had bad experience with it - it would usually turn into sexting or the guy would ask for pictures, and I really don't want to go down this road with him. I like that he's a gentlemen.

I totally agree with the heavy flirty thing or men coming on too strong. Not a fan either. And it would definitely be inappropriate from his part In my opinion. 

However, I was referring to flirting in a way of showing that there’s some level of attraction or interest. Like complimenting and making OP feel special about something... this kind of exchanges you can have with a person you are interested in.

Since you’ve known each other for some time and kissed, I guess he got the hint that you don’t view him as a friend. So it wouldn’t surprise me if he tried to gauge your interest level in a suggestive way or say something about that kiss (which I guess wasn’t nothing….)

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

As for other dates, for now just basic coffee/cocktail dates that didn't lead anywhere. Usually there is no spark on my end, or we have little in common. It's not always easy to not compare but I've been doing my best to avoid it.

It's good you still want to plan dates even if they don't lead anywhere. Me, when I have a  crush on someone, I’m not capable of going on a date with another guy and appreciate him. That’s why I always try to overcome my crushes before dating again. otherwise I know its a complete loss of time. 😅

 

[kim42]

4 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I totally agree with the heavy flirty thing or men coming on too strong. Not a fan either. And it would definitely be inappropriate from his part In my opinion. 

However, I was referring to flirting in a way of showing that there’s some level of attraction or interest. Like complimenting and making OP feel special about something... this kind of exchanges you can have with a person you are interested in.

Since you’ve known each other for some time and kissed, I guess he got the hint that you don’t view him as a friend. So it wouldn’t surprise me if he tried to gauge your interest level in a suggestive way or say something about that kiss (which I guess wasn’t nothing….)

It's good you still want to plan dates even if they don't lead anywhere. Me, when I have a  crush on someone, I’m not capable of going on a date with another guy and appreciate him. That’s why I always try to overcome my crushes before dating again. otherwise I know its a complete loss of time. 😅

 

I think it's good for me to go on dates with local men, it's a nice reminder that there are other guys out there too. But I know what you mean, it's not always easy when you have one guy on your mind.

 

There was a lot of flirting when we saw each other and we did exchange some personal messages, which I don't feel comfortable sharing here. He compliments me too.

 

[Sindy_0311]

I know it’s not easy.
My kid slept early tonight, so I took some time for myself and watched Jane Eyre (I read the book several times and saw all the adaptations) 

Do you know the scene where they mention the string from the chest? When you feel so strongly for someone… Every time I watch this movie, it reveals so many things about who is important to me… and the truth is theres always this special person coming to my mind… I don’t know if you feel the same, but I just wanted to share this as I thought it might resonate with you. Have a lovely night 💫

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Since you’ve known each other for some time and kissed, I guess he got the hint that you don’t view him as a friend. So it wouldn’t surprise me if he tried to gauge your interest level in a suggestive way or say something about that kiss (which I guess wasn’t nothing….)

While I would appreciate this kind of inquiry under normal circumstances, we're speaking about an uncomfortable time of continual stress mixed with slices of grief and rejection. Not exactly a time of feeling frisky or focused on how invested another might be at this moment. 

The word 'funereal' comes to mind. I'd remain respectful of that given that this isn't about performance, it's about caring.

 

[kim42]

Update

He sent me a voice message today, out of the blue. He never sends me voice messages, we only text, so I was surprised to receive one for him.

This will sound silly but I was actually nervous to listen it, I guess I didn't know what to expect since we always text.

I finally found the courage to listen to it and it was a very nice message, he shared what he's been up to this week. It was quite long and I admit it was nice to hear his voice again.

I feel silly now that I was nervous to listen to it.