Am i being horrible?

[Shaz48]

I started dating a guy that i have known for a while but only to say hello to.  I started to think he was quite a nice guy and was interested in getting to know him more.  I started to chat to him and he asked me out, to which i agreed.

He is divorced after 25 years of marriage and i am his first date since his divorce a year ago.  To this end i accept this could be a big thing for him and expect nerves.  After our third date i realised that he had worn the same shirt every time but also he did not iron it.  He turned up in creased clothes and i am sure his trousers were dirty or stained.  I did mention his unironed shirt and he admitted to not doing it.  He did try after that so was trying to make an effort.  he also doesnt have much fashion sense and wore shirt and trouser suit type to mcdonalds and then felt conscious and started sweating perfusely as he felt so uncomfortable.   I realise i may have not helped by mentioning his clothes and kinda hinting he gets some new ones rather than wear the same shirt for all our dates which may have made him more uncomfortable.   However this has all put me off him, even though he seems a genuinely nice guy and someone who i think would be very kind to me, whereas my ex was a narcissistic evil man so i was really disappointed that i didnt find this new guy attractive due to his poor fashion sense and unironed clothes.  I know this makes me sound so horrible and i dont mean it, but it did put me off.  I told him for now maybe we can be friends and see how things develop naturally.  Should i really let this put me off?

[Batya33]

This isn’t about fashion. He seems deficient in daily living skills. Is he on any drugs or does he drink a lot and or have a mental illness ?

[Shaz48]

No he doesnt drink a lot or on drugs, i just think he has no fashion sense and probably had ironing done for him when married, however i feel its common sense to iron and want to look nice when on a date and that is troubling me for some reason

[Batya33]

Just now, Shaz48 said:

No he doesnt drink a lot or on drugs, i just think he has no fashion sense and probably had ironing done for him when married, however i feel its common sense to iron and want to look nice when on a date and that is troubling me for some reason

It’s not the ironing. Weren’t the clothes presumably unwashed ? Also he was married 25 years - did he work?  How old was he when he married. Somethings is not adding up here. 

[Coily]

I briefly dated a woman who wore the same clothes on each date, and it it was a turn off; though i didn't mention it to her. Can't remember if she ironed things or not. Haha

I think there are a couple of factors here you have to consider. For 25 years he always has someone who would help with his fashion sense. Maybe she did all the ironing and such; so this guy is having to relearn some chores and more frighteningly he is having to relearn dating. And since it's been over 25 years since his last date, he has one heck of a learning curve.

That said, are you horrible? No. you have your preferences and that's okay. Though I would say if everything else were fantastic about the guy, you could always say "Hey I think you would look better in X or Y." Subtle is good.

[smackie9]

His ex wife did everything for him. He's lost and will probably want someone to take care of him. It's a sad case. Oh well not your problem. 

[Kwothe28]

I once went on a date with a woman that had the same clothes as the day I met her. When I asked why she said "So you could recognize me". In her defense I did only see her once before setting up a date but my memory isnt that horrible. 🤣

Anyway, its not a fashion sense. Its not really that hard to change your shirt. And I doubt he only has one of them. he just doesnt pay attention and cares about his looks. Nore he has basic life skills to maybe wash his clothes or iron it. Which is kinda off-putting in general. Imagine dating a slob who cant even change clothes. 

[Cherylyn]

If he's kind and nice,  I'd focus on his character.  Also,  is he at a stable situation in his life meaning does he have sound economics?  Or, is he struggling? 

As long as his clothes are clean,  wearing repeats is hopefully trumped by his character.  You're not a horrible person though.  I'd notice this, too.  If his wardrobe really bothers you,  then dating him wouldn't be a good idea. 

He was taken care of for 25 years so now that he's on his own,  he no longer defers to a wife to set everything up for him anymore.  Keep this in mind.

If his lack of clothes changing gnaws on your last nerve,  then politely and respectfully decline future dates with him.

[boltnrun]

He probably has one "going out" shirt so that's what he wears on every date. Back in the day people only had one nice dress or shirt or suit so they wore it anytime dressing nicely was called for. I presume he didn't have any need for more nice clothes while he was married and it hasn't occurred to him to buy a few more nice shirts since his divorce. 

You are not being "horrible", although I don't think I would have said anything to him. I would have just declined to date him. However maybe now he'll spruce up his wardrobe a bit thanks to you!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Shaz48 said:

  it did put me off.  I told him for now maybe we can be friends and see how things develop naturally.  

This is fine. Dating is exactly to get to know someone and see if there's a good fit. In this case you're noticing some turnoffs and that's ok.

You made the right call stepping back, but if you still feel the same way after a time definitely tell him you're not a match and cut your losses.