How do I deal with having to see my ex most days? Please help

[LucyH122]

Okay so brief summary.

My ex and I were best friends before the relationship for over a year and then we dated for 18 months. We both are now 21 and were each others first deep loves. He broke up with me in May (4 months ago), the reason was because he felt burnt out and needed to find himself again as he had lost himself while being with me. The relationship was intense, some ways good and some ways bad, it was extremely passionate and we had a very strong foundation, we were each others best-friend. However I struggled with my mental health and depended on him a lot while we were dating. My childhood has been very chaotic, my mum passed when I was young, left me with a very abusive father therefor I had a lot of wounds and triggers from this. He would constantly try help me through everything and was amazing however it got a point were it got too much for both of us. I knew I had a lot of healing to do and I needed to do it alone so I could become independent and secure in myself without using him to plaster over my wounds. So we agreed to go separate ways. Our last chat was a month after the breakup, were he told me he hasn't done this to see anyone else, he still loves me so deeply, he didn't want to end things but felt like he had to for him mental health and if its meant to be then it will in the future. I told him I'm dedicated to working on myself and how I want to fight for us but agree with both need this time grow as individuals. 

We haven't spoken for 3 months now, we've gone completely no contact. Its strange though because he still has all my stuff at his house, he suggested  he could drop it round but then said 'its ok I'll hang onto it for now' (this gave me some hope for us). I haven't dated or searched for any form of replacement, the last 4 months I have been spending hours on healing my inner child, journalling, therapy, pushing myself out of my comfort zone (I used to be extremely socially anxious but this summer I wanted to push myself and create a new version of myself so I went to LA completely alone, made lots of friends and had an incredible time and then solo traveled to Africa where I helped out in schools and met lots of like minded people). This summer had taught me so much, I feel like a completely different person, I'm a lot more secure and confident in myself, I love my own space and company, I am calmer and do not feel depressed or anxious at all anymore. I have completely transformed my self. However about 2 months into no contact I got curious and ended up looking at his Instagram, where I saw he had recently followed his first ex girlfriend. It made me feel pretty sad as I was originally believing we'd get back together. I also heard  that he went for drinks with a girl. Now he hurt because he told me that his intentions for the breakup was to do the same as me.  I understand this is my ego talking but it still hurt me a little. From seeing this I forced myself to let go, completely let go of him. The last month I've been in a great place  and haven't given him much air time, I don't look on his socials anymore or ask about him.

However I've got a dilemma, in a few weeks we go back to university, where he's moving into one house with half our friendship group and I'm moving into the other house (the houses are a street away from each other). I feel myself getting super worked up about this as deep down I know I really miss him and don't know how having to see him for nights out, game nights, around my friends house will effect me. Im honestly dreading it as I have made so much progress with my mental health and am scared that seeing him will make me miss what we had but he may not feel the same way as he hasn't reached out to me for the entire of summer. I want to act unfazed and unbothered to some extent, I am so proud of myself this summer and do not want him to think I'm still chasing him as he's the one who walked out of the relationship but unfortunately all the memories  that  I have  with him still play in my mind. If someone could advise me on how I approach seeing him, or deal with being around him in social settings id really appreciate it so much. Thank u. 

[SooSad33]

Good for you!  You've done some good stuff over the last few months 🙂 .  Now, you just need to keep moving forward - not fall back 😉 .

Keep up your beliefs.  That, no matter what, you CAN do this.  Yeah, I remember those feelings eg. back in school & having to see an ex in the hallways, etc.  But, it must be done!

Maybe for now, ease yourself into it all slowly.  Avoid hanging out in the friends groups stuff for a month or two.  As you feel you are not ready to see him again.

IMO, It's best you two have had no contact.  It helps one move on better and accept things, let go easier, etc.  Do I see things ever working out again?  No.  Too much damage done now.  Was a rough go and an experience for you both.

In time, your curiosity will lessen, to the point you won't care anymore 😉 .  Keep moving ahead.

One day at a time.. you got this.

[Cherylyn]

Don't check up on his social media.  Really go no contact,  block and delete him in your phone and all social media.  He'll become more out of sight out of mind if you do.

Get your stuff back.  No sense leaving your stuff with him.  Make arrangements to get your stuff back.  Perhaps it's better for you to get your stuff or have him box everything up and give it to you.  Don't hang onto hope.  It's over.

Since you share mutual friendship groups or social circles,  either socialize with your friends separate from your ex-boyfriend or should your paths cross if you choose to co-mingle in the same friends group,  be strong,  tough and remain well mannered yet don't get chummy.  Enforce boundaries.  Deliberately do not engage in wordy conversations with your ex-boyfriend.  Just remain civil.  It's the only way to be.  Maintain a cool,  distant attitude and your behavior will reflect your stance.  Remain steadfast,  unwavering and absolute.  You can do this.  Be brave and be kind to yourself.  Give yourself self respect.  Stand tall.  Exude self confidence and possess high self esteem and self worth!  You can do this.  🙂 👍

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, LucyH122 said:

   he's moving into one house with half our friendship group and I'm moving into the other house the houses are a street away from each other

Just be polite friendly and make sure you're involved in campus life. Is this the same man?:

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Be you

Be strong and confident

Who knows what the future brings

Take care of yourself and your studies

Great things will come

[catfeeder]

You’re doing a terrific job! Don’t dwell. Credit yourself for all the things you have to be proud of, and trust you will not only cross each bridge as you come to it, you will do it well, and you’ll continue to make yourself proud.

Head high.

[smackie9]

Hey if it triggers anything just walk away. You are only being human if those old emotions come back. Work through it. It's just part of life, we all have to face life's challenges/fears. He's faced with the same thing as you, so just relax and take it as it comes. 

[LucyH122]

19 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just be polite friendly and make sure you're involved in campus life. Is this the same man?:

 

Yes the same guy 

 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, LucyH122 said:

Yes the same guy 

Ok. You'll do fine. Review the university activities and groups and clubs and get involved with everything you like. If you run into him be polite but busy with your own activities and friends.

[Lambert]

I think your concerns are to be expected. But take time to look how far you've come. Self care, growing, learning through this.  Brava!  you also found the pitfalls of checking on him. ouch! (we've all been there for sure) 

Now it's the next hurdle. Getting back to school where you both have to co-exist. I would follow your gut, be casual & unfazed by whatever. YOU ARE a different person. You've grown and learned. You might even find being around him, you don't feel the same as you did or thought you would.  The shine of his halo so to speak may be dimmed. 

I would try to always remember who I am and what I am worth. Wish him the best and be cool.  You have other people to meet and know.  First love brings great lessons and memories. keep it in check. you can handle it.

This too shall pass. You never know there could be a new guy or guys... or not.  Focus on having fun with your friends and enjoying yourself.  That's all you have to do. 

[Andrina]

On 9/5/2023 at 2:12 PM, LucyH122 said:

Im honestly dreading it as I have made so much progress with my mental health and am scared that seeing him will make me miss what we had

The reel that goes on in our minds is very important and controllable, with practice. Start thinking of him as your "starter" relationship. Most of us have them, with few having the first person they date be their forever love. I know I have both fond memories and bad memories of my first love, and am grateful I didn't choose him as my forever person, because he wasn't the right one for that role. I did learn much about myself from him, just as you've learned much about yourself from your ex, so positivity came from the experience. Concentrate on that point.

"Now you're just somebody that I used to know." Those are lyrics to a song you can say in your head as you give him a quick wave when passing by him on campus.

As for him, he's likely a good person who is flawed, as many of us are in some ways, and tried to soften the blow by saying what would be less hurtful to you. Hard to get through a break up without upsets. I'd call or text him now and tell him you're only breaking contact because you think it's time get your belongings back, and that you wish him good luck in the upcoming semester. Take care and keep up the good work with your self-care.