Does not know what she wants after 4 years. Another guy may be involved.

[LukeTommy099105]

I have been in a committed relationship with my girlfriend for nearly 4 years. I am 24 and she is 23. I was 20 and she was 19 when we got together.
We met at university and we worked together at the student club whilst we were there. Throughout the relationship we, as normal couples do, have some ups and downs but we have always got through it and the relationship has always been stronger for it. We have very good communication between us and we both know that we can talk to each-other about anything.

I know it’s cheesy, but a lot of outside factors have both made us feel specially bonded with each-other. The most extreme case was when she was sexually attacked whilst she was walking home from work to our apartment, and I saved her from her attacker. (That was about 18 months ago and she has now recovered from the trauma).
In these 4 years we have both been 100% committed and have never once given each other any reason to question the others commitment, we have both been 100% faithful to each-other.

About 2 years ago, I stopped speaking to my toxic family because they were causing unnecessary and unkind mental distress towards myself so I cut them out of my life (I am adopted and have never got on well with my adopted parents, especially my adopted father)
After this I finished university and moved to her side of the country, where her family took me in and made me an integral part of their family, always going out with them, going on holidays with them, coming over for dinners etc. They have treated me like a son and have supported me as such when my own family would not. May be worth noting she is the youngest of 3 sisters, with both her older sisters being married to their childhood sweethearts.

My girlfriend has always told me from the start of our relationship that she doesn’t know if she will ever want to get married or have children, but she knew that eventually at some point in the future, when I’m in my 30's I want to be married and have a family. We both accepted this and carried on with the relationship as it was issues for us to deal with in 7-10 years down the line….. we are both still young and neither one of us wants that right now. However, just over 6 weeks ago, we were at her cousins wedding and she said to me then and multiple times in the preceeding days after that she could truly see herself getting married with me and potentially us having children together at some point in the future as I made her feel so happy and the only girl in the world.She said that she thinks i would make an amazing father. Even her immediate and extended family were saying at the wedding that we were the next ones to get married as she is the youngest in her family.

The thing is, my girlfriend is a massive over-thinker… she is someone that feels she is never good enough for anything despite having really good qualifications and work experience, and achieving her dream job of being an Air Hostess. Most notably, she has suffered a lot with body image confidence as before I met her, she was overweight, then went anorexic and was unhealthily skinny whilst I was with her. She has motivation like nothing I have ever seen, and is the most driven person I have ever met, and she went to the gym and had a strict diet and workout regime, and as a result now has a proper gym body and looks like an Instagram Gym girl. She is beautiful and always had been to me and i told her this everyday. Despite this she still feels like she is still not good enough and always looks in the mirror and points out every tiny blemish she has. I have always reminded her to this day that she is the most beautiful person I have ever met, but it seems like she never listens to it.

I know this is a whole lot of context but I felt it is necessary to include. Onto the issue at hand….
Just under 2 weeks ago we went out with a group of her work colleagues, pilots and air hostesses, and I met up with them later on in the evening as they had been out for a good few hours at around 10:30pm, and i was initially spending time with collegues from my work. In total it was a group of about 15 of them.  We all ended up clubbing that night and much later into the night, when I had gone to the toilet, a pilot gave her like a thirsty look sort of whilst checking her out up and down and she liked it. She has only flown with this guy twice before and this was the second work night out they have been on. The first was like 200+ people so she didn’t really see him, and I had to come and collect her super early that particular night as she got really drunk really quickly. (Literally 8:30 pm)

Anyways going back to the issue at hand, this pilot has been messaging her on Instagram, as she does work out of a small airport and there is a friendship group of about 15 of them, so they are talking as friends. That being said, he has sent a 2-3 semi flirty messages to her, which she hasn’t shot down, but also has not entertained. Feel the need to stress that. (She voluntarily should me the messages without me asking) as a result of this, she has now been saying “you always said these things about me, saying i am beautiful and special, but I never thought I would receive the same attention and feelings from other people”

We went to London for 3 days and had an amazing and special time, but in the 2nd night, I posted some pictures of us on instagram and she broke down crying because she knows how I feel about her and she felt guilty she liked the attention from other people from outside the relationship, in regards to the piolt.  For more context this guy is 14 years older than her, is engaged, but his fiancée has cheated on him, but they are still together as they own a house etc with each-other etc, and it would be to difficult to split as they have too much together.
Whilst we have the same “Body count” lets say, this is her first actual relationship where as this is my 3rd.
She said she does not want to lose me out of her life as “I make everything better….. I’m her best friend….. I’m such an inter-grated part of her life…. I’m not just her boyfriend but her best friend…. Etc” but this has all caused her to overthink the fact she was considering being with me for the rest of her life, and has resulted in her feeling like she has never experienced anything else in her life and she is still young.
She knows that if she did want to get with this pilot, it would be for all the wrong reasons, both for him and for her. She has said it’s not the pilot necessarily but rather the fact that other people can potentially see her in the same way i do. That being said, when I have said she fancies him, she hasn’t refused it, meaning that she kinda does.

We have spoken about all this, and she has said this is all coming from her, and not in relation to anything I have done, but her best friend has told her to break up with me because it’s not fair on me if she no longer knows what she wants. She, like in every relationship always listens to people from outside of our relationship more than she necessarily listens to me. She said that i have done absolutly nothing wrong, and that i make her feel "Secure, respected, loved and protected". There are a few things that we both need to change, like i should be going to ther gym more, and she needs to control her overthinking, which she has struggled with throughout her entire life. But we have both changed a lot over the 4 years, and changed many things, such as giving up smoking, and moving into jobs that are more career orianted.    

We spoke about all of this and remain together in a relationship, and try and work things through as we have always done. We were still spending time together after London for a couple more days, and in that time we have still been sexually active with eachother. (TMI i know). We have talked about our long term goals, such as moving in together, future holidays, we both want to move to a new city for new year 2025. We have a holiday booked for October to Zante, and we have said we are both 100% committed to getting things back to where they were at the point of the wedding, but we are giving eachother some space to allow us to process and digest everything that happened in London. We are still speaking, but not how we normally would, just basic conversation, and keeping me updated. Didn't help with the fact that on the first day of space, i was attacked walking home at night. I just know that whislt we have bo agreed to this, her best friend is still going to putting doubts into her mind, and she is still talking to this piolt as friends. I feel like she is taking this mutally agreed upon space to process everyting, but using him as a distraction from all of this. To make matters worse, she is going out with the group again tomorrow and he is going to be there, and there is not as many of them this time. She is coming over to my house for a few hours before she goes out to get ready, and is leaving her car round mine to pick up in the morning, but she is staying in a hotel that night with a couple of the girls she works with. She said she is not going to get drunk or stay out too late as she has to be on standby from 9am the next morning, which means she has to be ready to catch a plane at an hours notice. I trust her that she won't do anything with the pilot as she has always been honest with me, and she does have a strong sense of what is right and what is wrong, but my trust is not as strong as it was as i now do have suspicion to doubt her. I now have doubts about everything as for 4 years we were so solid, but now that’s all been put into question so quickly. I don't feel I can trust her in the same way. I now feel like I’m not good enough for her , which has always been a source of stress for me, as I have been cheated on multiple times in previous relationships.

To make things worse, this has all been happening whilst i have been very unwell physically, not being able to work for 3 weeks going into 4. She has been looking after me and been doing a fantastic job, being super supporting and caring, but with all of this suddenly going on, its made me feel even worse and I don't know how to progress as our lives are so based around each other; all my friends in this city are her friends, all of my own are on the other side of the country. 

I know this post is very long, and I would like to thank anyone that reads this thing throughout. Kinda going though a crisis and I’m really struggling. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[MissCanuck]

I'm really sorry, OP. You're clearly having a hard time with this, understandably so. 

What I see is a young woman who has not had any experience outside your relationship, and she is struggling to realize she's probably outgrown it. She wants to explore and see what else is out there. It's not her over-thinking. It's her coming to terms with the fact that she has an interest in someone else besides you. 

The pilot isn't the problem in and of itself, but rather a symptom of the bigger issue of you two growing up and growing apart. If she's still talking to him while having "space", then make no mistake that she is testing the water there with him. 

35 minutes ago, LukeTommy099105 said:

I feel like she is taking this mutally agreed upon space to process everyting, but using him as a distraction from all of this

She's not processing. She's taking this space in order to see if there is something between him and her. 

As long as she's chatting privately with him at all (because let's get real, this isn't just "friends" being "friendly"), she isn't serious about working on your issues. Why are you having her over to get ready for a night out with him? Yes, I realize others are going, but dude. What the heck. You're going to watch her doll heself up and swan out the door, kissing her goodbye as she heads out for a fun night that includes a man who has a crush on her? 

You need boundaries, and fast. You'd also be well-advised not to offer her all the benefits of a relationship while she explores a crush on another guy. 

[Kwothe28]

Ai. Your girlfriend has a body image issues. And now she looks like an Instagram model and is getting an attention from other men then you. Add that you are her first relationship and that is a recipe for a disaster. Meaning that her complex about her body kicked in. So now she wants to have an attention of men. As much as men she can. Any man, even some pilot Ahole that wants to cheat on his fiance. 

Sadly, youve been caught in a crossfire there. She wants to have fun with other people. You are not needed there. She indulges you for now but its dubious to sustain something like that. As Miss Canuck said, you dont need to watch her get ready to have sex with some cheating Ahole. Make a full stop on that. If she doesnt want to work on your issues its fine. But then you need to cut her off from your life. Because i dont think you would have much fun watching her going around from man to man while you are still hoping to reconcile. Because sadly, that is where she is going now.

[Cherylyn]

She is insecure and I've found that if someone doesn't ring true,  if there's something off with them and their character is put into question in any way,  shape or form,  pay attention to your instincts and intuition because it's there for a reason and always correct.  These red flags are telling you to pump the brakes on the relationship and quite possibly come to a screeching halt because a relationship with her is unstable like a roller coaster ride.  😖

You decide if you can envision a smooth, long term future with her.  I doubt it.  🙄

[LootieTootie]

This happens a lot ...to a lot of young couple. You get together at a young age because you both like each other but you're also each other's support for everything- and when you're young, its nice to have that while you find yourself and navigate the real world.

It does sound like she has outgrown the relationship and wants to try dating other men. That's okay but she has to tell you and if she doesn't tell you, you need to be smart enough to not let her drag you around. You both are still young so thats the upside.

3 hours ago, LukeTommy099105 said:

To make things worse, this has all been happening whilst i have been very unwell physically, not being able to work for 3 weeks going into 4. She has been looking after me and been doing a fantastic job, being super supporting and caring, but with all of this suddenly going on, its made me feel even worse and I don't know how to progress as our lives are so based around each other; all my friends in this city are her friends, all of my own are on the other side of the country. 

 

Can I also asked why are you unwell physically?

[boltnrun]

I went through something very similar when I was a few years older than your girlfriend. Except I actually married my boyfriend and we had a child. We got together when I was in my late teens and married when I was barely old enough to buy a beer.  He was essentially my first "real" boyfriend (although not my first sexual experience) and I was his first girlfriend. I hadn't been ready to be married but he gave me an ultimatum...marry him or lose him. So I married him.  I realized about four or five years into the marriage that I, well, didn't want to be married. It was terrible because I caused a lot of distress to my husband who, while he definitely had his faults and we were incompatible in many ways, wasn't wanting to end the marriage. It was a bad experience for everyone including our child. 

If I had stuck to my guns and held off marrying him I feel things could have turned out differently. I could have saved a lot of people a lot of pain. 

I understand you're not interested in ending the relationship or in dating others but if she's expressing doubts it's better to part ways now than to continue  getting more and more enmeshed. 

Please talk to her. Ask her to be honest about what she's thinking. Don't write her concerns and feelings off as "overthinking". Just because she may want something you don't want doesn't mean it's "overthinking". And don't dismiss her feelings. I presume you respect her, so please accept what she says even if it's not what you want and even if it's difficult for you to understand.

[lostandhurt]

This sucks but it is better to have it happen now than after you are married.

 DON'T BE A DOORMAT!!!  I totally agree with above that you should not be okay with her getting ready to go out with "friends" and staying the night in a hotel while you sit at home waiting and wondering what she is up to or what the pilot has talked her into.

 Time to decide.  What you are describing is your gf taking some space to test drive other men to see if she wants to upgrade from you or not.  Are you seriously okay with that?  I know you don't want to lose her but giving her a hall pass will make you look less attractive, weak and meek. 

She basically has nothing to lose with you back home as her security net.  No matter what happens she can always fall back to you.  Is that what you want? To be plan B or C?

 If she wants to explore then it needs to be a clean break.  No supporting each other, no rides home from the club or bar, no picking up the pieces after the pilot bangs her and brags to everyone about it.  She has gf's to cry to about that, you know the same ones telling her to dump you to go have fun while she is young. 

 There is caring and loving someone and then there is being used by someone.  She is using you as a safety net while she "figures things out"  I think it is time you need to figure things out as well.  Like boundaries and self respect.

 Lost

PS Another man IS involved, not MAY be involved.  He wants to bang your gf and she knows it and so do you.

[catfeeder]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. If it’s not this guy, it will be another.

If you want to sit back while she plays through, you can do that, it’s not against the law, but it’s not going to keep her loyal, and it’s not going to prevent her from telling you one day that she really should have taken the time to mature on her own and ‘find herself,’ and so that’s what she needs to go and do now.

She’ll likely assure you that it’s not about anyone else, but you’ll stalk her social media until you find her posing with the new guy, who she’ll swear had nothing to do with the breakup.

I understand that it’s no comfort to you to know that this is typical of couples who commit before maturing beyond adolescence. While most people believe that adolescence lasts until age 18, it actually lasts through mid-20s when the brain completes development. Lots of changes happen during this time.

My heart goes out to you.