2 year relationship over

[outerspacedude]

I find myself coming to an online forum as I feel basically lost.

GF came over Sunday - and gave me the breakup talk. She said we bring the worst out in each other , Feels the relationship has run its course.

We spoke, Seemed issues I thought were resolved were brought back up. I mentioned I had been struggling lately and was not perfectly happy. But I was willing to try and fix things, to rebuild and start a fresh as its not 'bad' 24/7
( we recently went on holiday which was nice)
She mentioned she has zero patience for me now and its why shes been snapping at me. That I dont deserve that and I deserve to be with someone who wont snap at me.

Anyhow she was upset, crying alot as she said I was a big part of her life and I will be missed. I asked her whether she was still in love with me and she said she was. That she still adores me its why shes so upset at having to do this.
As she was leaving she asked for a hug one last time which I did, I said to her I really didnt want her to go and for things to end but I respect her wishes, and if nothing I had said tonight has changed her mind then so be it. She looked at me through teary eyes and left. 
Obviously Im upset/devastated. Im a fixer and truly believed things could of been fixed - though I know she obviously thought they couldnt and/or didnt want to anymore.


I wasn't perfectly happy in the relationship - there was a total lack of physical intimacy. ( No S£x for 6 weeks ) I did communicate this with her on a few occasions and talked to her only last Thursday. Asking her what I could do to help , whats going on etc. Is everything ok? I explained that I was feeling totally rejected and it was making me question where I stood and whether she was still attracted to me.

My biggest issue was how she would snap at me. How she would be very abrupt and rude for literally no reason. few scenarios below.
 

1) After checking a menu online for this restaurant I didnt fancy what was on the menu, and she snapped back at me saying well I best pick somewhere then

2) 'hogging' the cooker when we were cooking dinner together ( by this I mean I was stood next to her simply stirring a pan. She snapped telling me I was in the way and to move.
3)not greeting her with a kiss and saying her outfit looked nice one time she came over because I was extremely stressed over my dog who was ill and I was stressed and worried and a little preoccupied watching him.

On the occasions above she would be very abrupt and rude towards me. To the point I would have to say 'cut it out - why are you speaking/behaving towards me like that.

 

So now Im left wondering what went wrong. Why didnt she communicate with me sooner. I know from this that I started to close off from her a little as I truly didnt feel respected with how she would react to me at times when I had done nothing wrong. Im playing situations in my head 'if only I hugged her more' etc 

 

We have no items to exchange, she brought my clothes over with her the other night. We are still connected on social media. Ive deleted her number. We are connected on Spotify etc still.

I half expected her to remove me from her insta/facebook though this has not been done?

I cant help but also feel like I knew things were bad - But the communication was always difficult. I did ask her the other night why she was never truly open with her feelings. She said she was with her ex and she got really burned.

 

Apologys is the information is a little scattered....My head like so many of you most likely know is all over the place. Not sleeping amazingly well. Tiredness sucks.
Then seeing her insta story post where she is living her best life it seems
 

 

[Coily]

Unfortunately there’s not a ton to unpack, she mentioned that you bring the worst out of each other; that tells me there’s no answers to divine.

Which makes it all the worse. I would encourage you to remove her on your socials, as part of the mourning for the relationship process. Focus on the negatives a bit, try not to fuel resentment though; this will help you get some psychological distance. As I find people need to disabuse themselves of the idealized version of an ex.

Find some distractions when you start thinking about her when trying to find answers about what could have been different. Trying to fix the past won’t help you move forward.

Best of luck to you.

[MissCanuck]

When someone is annoyed by seemingly little things all the time, and intimacy dies, it's your sign that they've checked out and are struggling to come out and tell you it's over. 

1 hour ago, outerspacedude said:

I asked her whether she was still in love with me and she said she was.

This is her trying tp spare your feelings. I don't doubt that she still cares about you and has love for you, but this is not a woman in love anymore. 

1 hour ago, outerspacedude said:

I half expected her to remove me from her insta/facebook though this has not been done?

This doesn't mean a lot, really. I know exes who've remained on each other's social media for years after breaking up. She is the dumper so it likely doesn't bother her (emotionally) to have you on her socials. However, it would be wise for you to delete/unfollow/mute her so you don't get a front-row seat to her new life as a single woman. That will hurt you too much. 

1 hour ago, outerspacedude said:

Seemed issues I thought were resolved were brought back up.

What were these issues? 

[outerspacedude]

24 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

When someone is annoyed by seemingly little things all the time, and intimacy dies, it's your sign that they've checked out and are struggling to come out and tell you it's over.

I did think this. She said she totally lost her drive/mojo and wanted to work on things but as time went on I did realise something was not right. I tried to communicate with her but another hard truth I have come to terms with is she was not good at communicating. She would take everything as criticism, even when I was just trying to explain how I was feeling or why I felt a certain way.

 

26 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This is her trying tp spare your feelings. I don't doubt that she still cares about you and has love for you, but this is not a woman in love anymore.

I think you're totally right - its a hard pill to swallow but like you said, if someone is still inlove with a person they would fight tooth and nail for them - not walk away

 

27 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This doesn't mean a lot, really. I know exes who've remained on each other's social media for years after breaking up. She is the dumper so it likely doesn't bother her (emotionally) to have you on her socials. However, it would be wise for you to delete/unfollow/mute her so you don't get a front-row seat to her new life as a single woman. That will hurt you too much.

We went through a patch back in May where we had some issues and broke up. She deleted me straight off her socials

 

28 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What were these issues?

Like every relationship there were teething problems. But earlier this year she was acting weird when on her phone around me. I asked her to show me who she was messaging and she got very defensive. Needless to say there were messages with her and a colleague who I'd asked about a few times. 
The messages looked very incriminating. She had told me she didnt speak to this guy outside of work and didnt have him on her socials.
The messages she eventually showed me proved she had lied about this - and infact they had spoken in person about going out for drinks.


Looking back I dont think our relationship was ever the same after that. At that time I asked for space, met up with her and she promised nothing was going on, and gave me an explanation for it which I beleived.
I truly feel from that point she had lost some respect for me.

 

Its difficult at the moment. Its only been two days and everything is extremely raw.

We have a social event coming up where tickets are already paid for. We have some mutual friends and its something I was going to bail on but a mate convinced me to go....its two weeks away so I hope by then Im in a better place - I dont intend on talking to her at all and will avoid her at all cost ( Not going to the bar when she is there etc )  

[MissCanuck]

16 minutes ago, outerspacedude said:

The messages looked very incriminating. She had told me she didnt speak to this guy outside of work and didnt have him on her socials.
The messages she eventually showed me proved she had lied about this - and infact they had spoken in person about going out for drinks.


Looking back I dont think our relationship was ever the same after that.

I wondered if there was a third party somewhere here. Her behaviour with you is typical of someone who has an interest in someone else and is having difficulty with their conscience.

It seems this relationship needed to end.  You are probably correct that things never got back on track after you got back together, and that's likely because her heart and mind are already checked out and she's been looking for ways to blame you (hence her snappy tone)

I am sorry, Take plenty of time to heal. 

[outerspacedude]

23 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I am sorry, Take plenty of time to heal. 

And thats the thing I realise most....its time. The aged old saying.

My only dilemma is what to do if/when we bump into eachother. 

We share the same hobbie and have both crafted friendships from said hobbie. and I know neither of us would want to give that up! Any suggestions on how to deal with still seeing an ex occasionally? Especially one where I still have feelings and they obviously do not???

[MissCanuck]

All you can do is be polite but distant when you run into each other. Don't engage in conversation. I am sure she will understand why that isn't possible (or fair to you) 

It won't be easy at first, but remember that the sting won't be as fresh in the future as it is now. With time and space away from her, your feelings will start to fade. 

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, outerspacedude said:

We have a social event coming up where tickets are already paid for. ....its two weeks away so I hope by then Im in a better place 

Sorry this happened. It's going to be tough staying cordial and running into each other, but you did the right thing ending it. Especially since it seems like you tried everything you could and it just wasn't salvageable. 

[outerspacedude]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. It's going to be tough staying cordial and running into each other, but you did the right thing ending it. Especially since it seems like you tried everything you could and it just wasn't salvageable. 

Hi Wiseman - thank you for your words. I might of not written it correctly but it was actually her who ended things.

Not that this really changes the situation at all. Just makes it more of a tender scenario for myself when I see her.

 

My friend was adamant I still attend though and it will be fine, I wont have to go anywhere near her

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, outerspacedude said:

My friend was adamant I still attend though and it will be fine, I wont have to go anywhere near her

You need to do what is best for you. 

I am sure your friend has your best interests at heart, but if you feel you don't want to attend, don't. Your friend should not push you if you are not comfortable seeing her yet. 

[outerspacedude]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You need to do what is best for you. 

I am sure your friend has your best interests at heart, but if you feel you don't want to attend, don't. Your friend should not push you if you are not comfortable seeing her yet. 

Im really hopeful that in two weeks I shall start to feel somewhat better than I do currently. Long as I can get back to sleeping my mental health and everything overall will improve.

I wouldnt class myself as having an abundance of friends - though the people I do have in my life thankfully I have filled my calendar right out until Sunday.

I dont also want to bore the people in my life with my personal problems as everyone has their own stuff to deal with. trouble is I have no other avenue to talk.
I've reached out to a local counselling service and have managed to get an appointment for this Friday.

Now I dont feel I have any majoy issues to contend with - but I know I sometimes follow the same pattern in relationships and curiosity has me wondering why.

I think Im a pre straight forward human - Dont ever lie to me or hide things from me and I'll give you what I have. I dont let many people in but when I do Im a very caring person.

[Cherylyn]

What went wrong?  Obviously both of you are incompatible;  that's what went wrong just as you had described.  Both of you have stark personality differences and personal preferences.  Both of you do not have mutual characters either and that's ok because everyone is different.  The problem is no matter how hard anyone tries,  two people who behave differently will never get along.  It's just the way it is.  No sense getting frustrated over this. 

Block and delete her from your phone forever and block and delete her from all social media.  Out of sight,  out of mind.  Before you know it,  she'll become merely a distant blur and there will be days,  weeks or months where you won't even think of her anymore.  😊

 

[outerspacedude]

 Using this platform to vent as I cant really discuss things with my work colleagues whilst at work.

The lack of sleep is difficult this morning. concentration isnt what it should be and really need to think about what Im doing on basic stuff.

Is it normal to wonder how the dumper is doing? I know her schedule this week and she has a busy one both work and social life - Guess the prospect of her going about her life like nothing has happened is a bitter pill to swallow.

Is this my self esteem? most likely it is, wondering whats wrong with me, why am I so disposable after 2 years and so many memories.

Like I said the lack of sleep makes me more emotional. I wonder if its normal to come online and search about healing, breakups and read other peoples stories.

Heres a thing then - Im 36, I play this game on my phone, one to pass the time but  secondly I enjoy it. The night she left she made a comment that im a 36 year old man and I shouldnt be playing games on my phone...... I havent really played it since! I'm just not getting the enjoyment from it for some reason. 

ITs also difficult - for my job some days I travel to different places in the city I live. I know when Im happy Im a bubble, cheeky guy who can talk to anyone. 
Normal conversations this week has been hard - people ask how I'am ( normal conversation stuff ) and I lie and say Im fine, but behind those words I feel like I could break down at any minute. I know talking to people or venting is meant to be good - but I know there is no magical answer. No one can tell me words that will suddenly make me feel happier.

Its the usual doom and gloom - Im 36, I went into this last relationship with no expectations and soon thought this would be the person I grow old with and start a family. Now Im back to square one.

 

Sorry for the pity post - just not feeling great at all today 

 

[SooSad33]

On 9/5/2023 at 7:03 AM, outerspacedude said:

She mentioned she has zero patience for me now and its why shes been snapping at me. That I dont deserve that and I deserve to be with someone who wont snap at me.

She also admits this relationship has runs it's course AND how her ex bf 'burned her'....

IMO, i say she's mentally exhausted - maybe should not have gotten involved again so soon.

 

8 hours ago, outerspacedude said:

The night she left she made a comment that im a 36 year old man and I shouldnt be playing games on my phone...... I havent really played it since! I'm just not getting the enjoyment from it for some reason. 

She's just being 'snappy', you can do whatever you want!

 

If it's done now, then it's done.  Nothing more you can do but accept what is.  You back off and don't bother her .

Yeah, it hurts for a while, of course 😕 .  Give yourself some time.. be easy on yourself.  Things will improve as your mind works through all of this and you heal.

[outerspacedude]

so I have not broken the no contact.

I had a payment come out today for a joint membership that she was meant to pay me half for a while ago.

We used one of these apps that keeps a log of spending etc.

I've added it onto there. Its a fair amount of money she owes and especially in this economic climate every penny counts.

Im coming around to the fact I need to walk away and not look back. To a degree its ok to talk/think about things but I think Im def guilty of putting her on a pedestal.

I kmow that my needs were not being met in the relationship and I was unhappy. Did I try and communicate this with her...YES!
Did it work? no because it was difficult for her to open up, to communicate with me. She would take what I would say to heart of the fact her choices werent good enough.
It made me feel guilty.

 

I still care for her and have feelings for her. AS hard as it is I understand that we just dont work. As much as Id like to and regardless of the memories we shared - at this moment in time anyway we do not work.

 

Any advice on how to be when I see her in a few weeks? I mentioned we have a joint social event Im going to. I dont really want to talk to her if Im being totally honest. 

[MissCanuck]

20 minutes ago, outerspacedude said:

I had a payment come out today for a joint membership that she was meant to pay me half for a while ago.

Can you remove her from this membership?

21 minutes ago, outerspacedude said:

Did it work? no because it was difficult for her to open up, to communicate with me.

She also went behind your back and got a bit too cozy with another guy. Don't forget that. She is not just an ineffecicent communicator, she's also not very honest or respectful of you. 

 

[outerspacedude]

6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Can you remove her from this membership?

Sadly not - It comes out as a direct debit each month and its a yearly thing.

I've updated the app so she should of caught wind of it and will hopefully pay it

 

7 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

She also went behind your back and got a bit too cozy with another guy. Don't forget that. She is not just an ineffecicent communicator, she's also not very honest or respectful of you.

When I think of this is does make me angry. At her and myself
Her - for like you said lying to me and keeping secrets. Hiding/deleting messages from guys and her reasoning is how I would react.
Though if they were innocent messages why delete them.

Angry at myself for giving her two chances when the above situations happened twice. 
Also angry at myself that it got to the stage she binned me off

[outerspacedude]

I feel very alone/lonely at the moment. One thing this past week has taught me is I dont feel like I have many people in my life I can rely on. I dont seem to have many friends - or the normal friendship groups.
Im not particular close to my family. IVe tried building bridges with them especially this last year but its pointless.
My ex was so close to her family. I would see how they would be kind and caring to one another and I was so jealous of this type of relationship with family as I had never had it.

Wondering if this is why I find the end of relationships difficult - as this person became my best friend and also my partner. They listened to me, valued my opinion and actually made an effort with me.
My so called mates/friends rarely reach out to me. I appreciate people have lives and families but it just doubles up and hits my self esteem. Like why has other people got friends and I dont? Whats wrong with me? Like everyone I have positives and negatives. Its a hard pill for me to swallow.

Struggling with being extremely low. Ive had to move back in with my mother - at 36 Im so ashamed of this but property rent prices are so high. I also have a dog too which makes it even more difficult.

Im in a really low place and Im not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel anymore. Im 36. Single. No house to call my own. No real friends. A family that doesnt seem to care or ever talk to me.

I also hit rock bottom over the weekend, I checked her Instagram stories and saw that she is living her best life. She has been posting so many things to her story of her going out, doing this and that. Its only been 8 days since she left and I seem like a distance blur in her memory. She posted a video about a friend buying her a gift from abroad....very strange she didnt mention a name which points me towards its a guy.....and whether this guy has been in the background for awhile - clearly giving her attention and thats what has led to her walking.

Its like the time together meant nothing. Ive now unfollowed her account.

She owes me some money yet I dont want to reach out and message her. We are on the app 'splitwise' so she should be able to see she owes me money on there. I was going to wait another week, as I think there is a reminder thing to pay. I know she gets paid in 4/5 days so thats why Im waiting


As for the  social....Im still undecided. Seeing her in person would probably make me feel really bad....but its a social night where I actually get to see and interact with people I know but I think it will hurt seeing her.
 

[Batya33]

What have you done since college/since you left school to meet new people and develop new friendships and acquaintances? I'm sorry you're hurting and I hope she pays you back.

When I was 38 I was fresh out of an on again off again relationship and "still single".  5 months later I met (reconnected with) my future husband.  But I actively put myself out there.

[outerspacedude]

Im at a local gym where I do classes - trouble is so does my ex ( its where we met ) So we have joint friends there.

I was at a class last night and one of her friends mentioned something about me and me ex - clearly not knowing we were no longer an item. I Didnt want to correct her etc and there were other people around.

But I dont feel ready to start dating again. Certainly not at the moment

[outerspacedude]

So an update - a mutual friend who didnt realise we had broken up told me that my ex is on holiday with her friends 😆

So whilst I've been here writing online to strangers I dont know - trying to process whats happened and deal with the sadness - she has jetted off for a holiday with a couple of her friends 

 

Sucks if Im being totally honest

[Wiseman2]

Just now, outerspacedude said:

 - she has jetted off for a holiday with a couple of her friends.

Try to let the dust settle. Please delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Be honest with mutual friends that you're no longer together and try not to talk about her or her activities with them.

Since she's off somewhere else, take this as your ticket to freedom. Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women. Enjoy your life again now that you're free to do whatever you want.

[outerspacedude]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Since she's off somewhere else, take this as your ticket to freedom. Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women. Enjoy your life again now that you're free to do whatever you want.

dont really feel ready to get online dating 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, outerspacedude said:

dont really feel ready to get online dating 

When you are don't date online -use it as a way to make a first contact then after a phone call meet in person ASAP.  Tell  your friends you do not want to hear about what she's doing or how she's doing.  I hope you feel better!

[outerspacedude]

Ok, so obviously I was having a bad day today. I went to go on her Instagram after seeing those images of her earlier on holiday.

I went on there to remove her as a connection.when I was on there noticed her friend count had jumped up from when I looked earlier. Curiosity got the better of me.

it showed me she had added a guy she was dating just before me. So we have been in no contact for 10 days. I’ve been here very sad and down. She’s not only gone on holiday but is connection with old flames.

 

I can’t explain how I’m currently feeling. Has anyone else gone through this? Or found out a recent ex was engaging with previous partners?

hoe did it make you feel and what did you do to overcome those feelings?

 

I’ve removed her from all my social media now. I’ve sent her a reminder through the app she owes me money. 
think this is what I needed to finally accept it’s over - I’ve read how people hold onto the false hope their ex will come back. But for me that hope has now been dashed forever.

 

please don’t say ‘we told you to delete her’ I fully accept it was a risk and I took it and I’m paying for it now. Guess I’m just here with my tail between my legs feeling like poop