Met a Man I Cannot Stop Thinking About....

[rainbowsandroses]

Hi guys, here's a new one for y'all and need your wisdom and input.  

A couple of days ago, I met a man in a local cafe; he looked to be around 40ish.  He was paralyzed from the waist down in a car accident two years ago. 

I felt an immediate attraction to him; he's very good looking and obviously works out his upper body, he's in terrific shape from the waist up from what I could see and also came to discover he plays wheelchair basketball and active in other sports for the handicapped. 

He's an architect and pretty successful from what he told me without sounding egocentric about it (bragging and such).

So we got to talking (for two hours!) and IDK how else to describe but we just clicked!!   He's super confident and sure of himself, more so than many of the non-handicapped men I meet! 

We both were having such a great time until I began getting REALLY nervous and politely told him I had to get going. 

The look on his face!!!   I could see the disappointment and he asked me (somewhat tentatively) if I would be open to seeing him again. 

I dunno why I got so nervous and flustered, probably because I was super attracted but I hesitated giving him an answer right then and there, but I took his number.  He did not ask for mine nor did I offer to give it to him.

I needed time to let this marinate for awhile, I'm recently divorced and was NOT looking to date anyone for awhile.

Anyhoo, like my title states, I cannot stop thinking about him!!   But I am unsure whether it's true attraction or whether a part of it is sympathy for his condition being paralyzed?  I'm totally confused about my feelings which is unlike me, but I've never experienced this before.  

Also, I know I'm getting ahead of myself but how would it be dating and being in a relationship with a man paralyzed from the waist down? 

He does drive and lives on his own.  He is quite self-sufficient but still I have all these thoughts whirling around.

Some not very kind, like what would my friends and co-workers think, how the sex would be, how does it work when one person (the man) is paralyzed but the other (the woman) isn't?

Does anyone have any experience with this?  

Thanks in advance guys!!

 

 

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Give it a day and call him

Keep it light and keep talking

Who knows what it will bring 

[Kwothe28]

35 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Also, I know I'm getting ahead of myself but how would it be dating and being in a relationship with a man paralyzed from the waist down? 

 

Well, if he is doing lots of stuff himself and is self-sufficient, maybe not so different. You would have to actually date the guy to know that. Same with sex part. Maybe he is still able to do it properly. Its useless for anybody to say to you that when nobody of us knows how he functions. I would imagine that you would need at least some adjustments. But again, you would actually need to date him to see that and if you could accept that change.

Dont really think its just sympathy. You do really like the man if you think about him in that way.

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 I took his number.  

That's great. Why not have a casual coffee or lunch together? See how it goes. Maybe it will lead somewhere, maybe you'll make a good friend. Nothing to lose.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's great. Why not have a casual coffee or lunch together? See how it goes. Maybe it will lead somewhere, maybe you'll make a good friend. Nothing to lose.

True I have nothing to lose.  

I should simply consider him as I would any other man I meet and not focus on the handicap. 

I think I will text him today and suggest drinks and apps later (deep breaths).  Tomorrow is a holiday in the US..  Why am I so nervous?!

Rhetorical question, no one can answer this but me.  

Ty.

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Some not very kind, like what would my friends and co-workers think, how the sex would be, how does it work when one person (the man) is paralyzed but the other (the woman) isn't?

You really dont know about the intimacy part until you ask him 😉 .

BUT, I'd suggest you let things lie for a while... and let yourself get a grip & back to reality on this whole thing. ( like you admitted, you're freshly divorced), then you know you're not ready to get involved again.

 

[Cherylyn]

How would it be?  That's up to you.  If you can't stop thinking about him,  call or text him!  Ask to meet for coffee or lunch.  Have a good time! 🙂

As for dating or having a relationship with a paralyzed man,  obviously,  he has physical limitations but as long as you're going in with reality regarding his disability,  you should be fine. 

[Jaunty]

How long have you been officially divorced?  Last time you mentioned your status I think you were separated. 

I guess if you're ready to start dating, there is no reason to hold back because the guy is paralyzed.  Try not to treat him differently than a person who has the use of their legs, which includes being fine with "nexting" him if it doesn't quite work out - including the sex part. That could be challenging to feel good about.  

[Batya33]

Did you meet as a first meet or just randomly? I'd think of him first as a person -with a disability.  Just like you are first a person, and then a person with an ex husband. His disability does not define him like your divorce does not define you.   I would not define the world as "handicapped/non-handicapped" -his disability would limit certain daily living skills and activities  and you'd have to decide how that works with your life/activities/life style. He didn't seem to be sympathy seeking at all -right?

[rainbowsandroses]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Did you meet as a first meet or just randomly? I'd think of him first as a person -with a disability.  Just like you are first a person, and then a person with an ex husband. His disability does not define him like your divorce does not define you.   I would not define the world as "handicapped/non-handicapped" -his disability would limit certain daily living skills and activities  and you'd have to decide how that works with your life/activities/life style. He didn't seem to be sympathy seeking at all -right?

Hi Bat, we met randomly, it wasn't a first meet from on line.  I'm not on the apps, wasn't even sure I was/am ready to date but I was drawn to him immediately!

Agree "disability" is a much better way of describing than "handicapped".  I wasn't comfortable using that word (handicapped) but I was flustered while typing my post and thinking about him and it's what came to mind. 

Yes I'm trying very hard to not overthink this and you're right, he's not giving off any sympathy/pity vibes and even just the little I got to know of him, I sense he would be totally turned off if I even hinted that was what this was about for me.  Even though I am thinking about it tbh.

Interacting with him, before my nerves took over, was easy and effortless, like we've known each other for years. I found myself inching closer to him, and am pretty confident he knew from my demeanor I was attracted to him. 

With me, it's kinda hard to miss, men usually know straight away when I'm attracted without me having to say a word.  My demeanor is pretty transparent in that regard.  All my boyfriends and ex husband have told me this.

He seems to have quite a bit of mobility, as I said he plays basketball and other sports.  He drives, goes food shopping and told me he's a pretty good cook!

Like I said, I will try to think of him as any other man I met and attracted to and go from there. 

I have my text typed out letting him know how much I enjoyed talking with him and answering his question if I'd be open to seeing him again. 

Answer- yes!

And then let him decide when and where, that's more my style.  Just like I would do with any other non-disabled man.

I found an on line forum for women dating men with paraplegia (lower body paralysis) and one woman said their sex life was the best she's ever had!   Due to his upper body strength and sensitivity to other parts of her body that other non-disabled men had not been.  He gets full erections too, which was a positive!

But there's not a one size fits all, and if he and I do start dating, we will have to navigate what's best for us.

I'm totally getting ahead of myself, I realize that!!  I'm just excited, I've been feeling kinda numb for quite awhile and it feels good to have a "feeling" again even if it doesn't work out.

I'll keep you posted!  

 

 

[catfeeder]

This is exciting, Rainbow, enjOy!

[Batya33]

What I mean is the men you date are not "non-disabled men" and he is not a "disabled man" -doesn't seem like his disability defines him- He is a person WITH a disability. When I was pregnant for many purposes I was a person with a disability.  My father was a person with a disability -mental health related.   Do you want to be referred to as "oh that divorced woman" or are you a woman -first and foremost - who happens to be divorced?  Most I know and know of who use wheelchairs would not want to be compared to "non-disabled men" -it's not just semantics so if you date/meet him just- maybe -check yourself a bit.  

I worked on a project involving people who use wheelchairs many years ago (work-related project), I have a friend who mostly uses one after being run over by a bus (lower half of her body- yes she gave birth after), I had a friend who was paraplegic from a terrible car accident and she lived another 25 years or so and passed away about a year ago -I don't believe she was able to be sexually active.  She lived with her multiple disabilities in an admirable way and fought the good fight.  I wouldn't have dated someone who used a wheelchair -this came up for me once or twice -just knew it wouldn't work with my lifestyle in my 20s/30s - and I knew a very happily married couple where he had limited mobility (CP) and she had full mobility.  It depends on the person/couple!

Enjoy whatever you decide!!

 

[rainbowsandroses]

12 hours ago, catfeeder said:

This is exciting, Rainbow, enjOy!

Thanks so much catsfeeder!  

So I texted him and immediately he told me he's not a great texter, could he call me? 

I responded "of course" so he called and we talked for around 30 minutes and we're meeting later this afternoon for drinks, apps and good music at an outdoor pub downtown (we both live downtown so no driving).

I'm soooo nervous and have a zillion and one thoughts whirling about but determined to play this one out. 

Normally I would never even consider this but I really like him!  

So we shall see, thanks guys. 

 

[Coily]

Glad you are moving forward with this gent.

As a side note, a friend of mine is married to a great guy who had a similar accident and also in a wheel chair, they have 2 kids together and a "disgustingly" happy intimate life. So don't dwell on that part too much.

Have fun getting to know him, and best of luck!!!

[spinstermanquee]

Rainbow, one night out dancing with my girlfriends there was this group of friends - one of whom was a guy bopping/grooving to the music in his wheelchair on the side of the dance floor.  I asked him to dance, and next thing I know he was popping wheelies and spinning like a pro dancer out on the floor all the while staying on his mark.  He had the MOVES.  I think I was romantically interested in someone else at the time, so no followup, but a good time was had by all.  Obviously I still have a fond memory 25+ years later 😉

The worst thing that could happen is you decide he's not for you.  The best?  That you continue that chemistry and see where it leads... <3<3<3

Please keep us updated.

[Dollface417]

I agree I definitely would give it a day or so before reaching out and grabbing something simple like coffee/ice cream so you can get to know him better. 
 

You were destined to meet this man for a reason and learn something from connecting with him. Once you all meet and engage a little more you will be able to determine if you seem him as a good friend or potential love interest and go from there! 
 

good luck to you!

[LootieTootie]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thanks so much catsfeeder!  

So I texted him and immediately he told me he's not a great texter, could he call me? 

I responded "of course" so he called and we talked for around 30 minutes and we're meeting later this afternoon for drinks, apps and good music at an outdoor pub downtown (we both live downtown so no driving).

I'm soooo nervous and have a zillion and one thoughts whirling about but determined to play this one out. 

Normally I would never even consider this but I really like him!  

So we shall see, thanks guys. 

 

Oh this sounds so good! I am excited for you both and hope your date went just as well as your connection.

It's really hard to connect with people and even harder to find someone attractive who also find you just as attractive, and when you have both, it's like the universe finally aligned the stars for you 🙂

Good luck and keep us posted!

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Dollface417 said:

You were destined to meet this man for a reason and learn something from connecting with him.

Thank you for that @Dollface417, I totally agree with you!

1 hour ago, LootieTootie said:

Oh this sounds so good! I am excited for you both and hope your date went just as well as your connection.

It's really hard to connect with people and even harder to find someone attractive who also find you just as attractive, and when you have both, it's like the universe finally aligned the stars for you 🙂

Good luck and keep us posted!

Yes it IS hard to connect with people, especially on the level I need, and agree with the bolded too!  I'm 100% on board with that.

As @Batya33 often says "head in clouds, feet on ground" which I interpret to mean it's okay to be excited and even fantasize a bit, but it's equally important to stay grounded.  

I'll know more after our date today and ty for the good wishes!  🙂

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

On 9/4/2023 at 4:44 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

Thanks so much catsfeeder!  

So I texted him and immediately he told me he's not a great texter, could he call me? 

I responded "of course" so he called and we talked for around 30 minutes and we're meeting later this afternoon for drinks, apps and good music at an outdoor pub downtown (we both live downtown so no driving).

I'm soooo nervous and have a zillion and one thoughts whirling about but determined to play this one out. 

Normally I would never even consider this but I really like him!  

So we shall see, thanks guys. 

 

Hi!! Did you meet? How did it go? 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Hi!! Did you meet? How did it go? 

We had a great time!  He's very outgoing, confident with a big personality. I'm not as much, I'm more quiet and introverted, but I felt comfortable being with him. 

He knew a lot of people at the club, including women, and introduced me by name, which I thought was very nice and polite, which is important to me. Proper manners and all that. 

I started getting really nervous as we were about to leave though.  He asked to walk me home and I was quiet because well, it felt awkward.   I have a very quiet soft voice (reason why I never made the cheerleadering squad in college, lol) my voice simply doesn't project well. 

So while walking, him being in his wheelchair and me standing, again it just felt awkward. 

When we got in front of my place, he kissed my hand which was so sweet and asked if I'd feel comfortable going to his on Friday night for dinner, he's a great cook.

I told him I'd love to which normally I wouldn't do so fast but for some reason I trust this man and tbh would feel more comfortable having an indoor date, I sense he would too. 

I still haven't decided whether to pursue this though.  I mean I like him so much and attracted to him, in fact when we were in front of my condo, I was hoping he'd pull me on his lap and passionately kiss me!  

But there are so many things to consider and need to figure out if I'm really ready for all the inevitable challenges.  

If we do start talking about "us" on Friday, I am considering talking with him about it.

Good idea?  Bad idea?  Go with the flow?

What do you all think?  

Thanks guys.  

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

If we do start talking about "us" on Friday, I am considering talking with him about it.

The dinner invitation seems nice. However it's a bit too early on date two to have any sort of relationship talk. Just enjoy the evening.  If things progress, it may be better if he brings up  challenges first.

[Batya33]

I would have no Talks. I also wouldn’t go to his place. You don’t know who else might be there or arrive etc. you can run away faster because he uses a wheelchair but I simply wouldn’t. If you do then keep things light and fun. I’d talk “us” if it’s been closer to two months and 8 dates or so. 

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The dinner invitation seems nice. However it's a bit too early on date two to have any sort of relationship talk. Just enjoy the evening.  If things progress, it may be better if he brings up  challenges first.

Under normal circumstances I would agree.  And not really a "relationship" talk per se but I do have questions and concerns, naturally. 

I dunno, I guess I need reassurance how it would be if we really got into this, but you're probably right, go with the flow for now, ty @Wise.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Under normal circumstances I would agree.  And not really a "relationship" talk per se but I do have questions and concerns.  

I dunno, I guess I need reassurance how it would be if we really got into this, but you're probably right, go with the flow for now, ty @Wise.

If you don’t want to treat this as normal circumstances because he uses a wheelchair and feel compelled to discuss his disability this early on consider whether you’re ok dating someone who uses a wheelchair.  
it reminded me of a number of first meets where the man brought up my age and ticking clock right away. He already knew my age and that I wanted kids so it told me that my ticking clock likely was a dealbreaker. By contrast I was fine with the man confirming I wanted kids. So it’s fine if you ask him in general if he’s looking for marriage and family or if he’s been married just like he might ask you but I wouldn’t get specific about wheelchair /disability related issues. 

[rainbowsandroses]

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If you don’t want to treat this as normal circumstances because he uses a wheelchair and feel compelled to discuss his disability this early on  consider whether you’re ok dating someone who uses a wheelchair.  

That's precisely what I'm doing.  See below posted in my previous post.

40 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I still haven't decided whether to pursue this though.  <snip>

But there are so many things to consider and need to figure out if I'm really ready for all the inevitable challenges.

I disagree that I should treat this like any other "normal" dating experience.  It's NOT so why pretend it is?  

I'm not into pretending, I don't think he would want me pretending he's like any other guy either.  He's not, he's disabled and unable to walk.  No sense hiding that fact.  To do so seems disingenuous and phony to me.

And to clarify, I'm not "compelled" to talk with him about it, I am considering it, that's all.