I'm (29F) getting an urge to contact my ex (29M) after a year of being broken up

[Larissa1443]

Last year, I (29F) met a guy (29M) who used to go get food where I worked. He added me on social media, we went out and had a really good first date. I went on a solo trip right after that and thought we'd lose contact but turned out we didn't go a day without talking to each other, we'd facetime all the time and had a really good connection. When I flew back, he picked me up at the airport and asked me to be his girlfriend. The whole thing seemed "too good to be true", but I went with it, because well, life is about living right?

Well, things went down south real quick. He was moving out and moving in another house, with his friend. His friend however, was a long time friend who he used to crush on years ago. (some of you might here remember this bizarre story lol) I was insecure about it at first but he "assured me" there was nothing there. However, his actions didn't match his words, and what seemed like a relationship with me where he was very caring, empathetic and genuine, ended being showing me a side of his where he was very selfish and uncaring about the whole situation.

He wouldn't introduce me to this girl friend of his, it would always be something happening that we couldn't meet, he would specifically tell me he wanted to spend let's say, a Saturday night, with only her and not have me involved because it was a "housemate" thing, and overall just made it seem like she was much more relevant in his life than I was. One weekend night I got really upset because of how he was acting towards me in relation to her and quickly he ended things with me saying "I crossed the limits". It guy seemed in love with this woman and moving in with her was "finally his chance" to win her over - at least that's what he portrayed it to be like. 

I was devastated. I spent months blaming myself and it felt unreal. I had finally met a person who I'd gotten along with so well, more than anyone I've ever met, and got that taken away from me so quickly. I moved on, worked on myself, dated other people and realised that in fact I deserved better and this guy didn't really consider my feelings at the time at all. He came to apologize this May, after almost a year, saying how he in fact didn't treat me right and how he put her above me. He assured me he had no feelings for her but the way he acted at the time made it seem like it and he understands he could've done better and he was selfish about it. We exchanged long paragraphs to each other and it seemed in a way, like he wanted me back in his life.

He did say that he still thinks about me and deeply regrets what he did, but would understand if I didn't want him in his life. I told him all I was bottling up inside this past year and asked him to not contact me again. However, the past few weeks I've been thinking about him quite often. I've realized, I miss the sort of friendship I had with him.

I know this doesn't change what he did and in no way am I excusing it. But I feel like the anger has gone away and I wanted to connect with him again, in a friendship manner. I don't want to put myself aside for this nor "humiliate" myself, but I have been very divided the past few weeks if I should message him or not. I'm friends with a few exes of mine, nothing too close, but an eventual "hey how's it going" every once in a while.

I'm torn on what to do. Part of me also feels like I only feel this way because I'm single and don't have anyone, but at the same time, even when I was dating other guys, I didn't have the sort of connection I had with him. I don't want him back. I know things won't be the same nor do I want to reach out of loneliness or feeling like there's hope - but rather some sort of closure within myself that this person was in a way special to me and I feel like I'm ready to be on good terms with them - even if it means this person not replying to me, it is still, in a way, some sort of closure that I feel I've gotten with my past partners, but still haven't been able to get it with him. 

[MissCanuck]

45 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

But I feel like the anger has gone away and I wanted to connect with him again, in a friendship manner.

Nope, nope, nope. 

Bad idea. This is not someone who deserves a spot in your life in any capacity. Do you really need a "friend" like this? 

Your closure should not come from finding excuses for yourself to reach into your past, especially to someone who did not value or respect you. If that's been your MO in the past, it's really time to change your ways. Don't let guys like this back in your life.

Your past threads reveal a troubling pattern of you not respecting yourself much and hanging on to guys who treat you poorly way too long. Turn over a new leaf here. Expect more from (and for) yourself. 

[TacticalLinguine]

Keep moving forward, love. No need to go backwards. 

[Kwothe28]

So let me get this straigh: You exited because he had feelings(he claimed he didnt but lets be straight, he did) toward his roomate then. And now you want him as a friend? So next person who would want to date you would be in your position from before. AKA being with somebody that hangs with her ex and maybe still has feelings for him. Do you even see how you did a role reversal and how monumentally bad this idea is?

[Larissa1443]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

 

Your past threads reveal a troubling pattern of you not respecting yourself much and hanging on to guys who treat you poorly way too long. Turn over a new leaf here. Expect more from (and for) yourself. 

Yeah this is true. I do need to do better for myself. 

 

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Do you even see how you did a role reversal and how monumentally bad this idea is?

I thought about this today. It really is a good point. I think I'd be the red flag in this situation if I met someone new. 

 

I think I just need to let a few weeks go by and I think this feeling will eventually fade. 

[boltnrun]

Do you generally behave the way this guy did toward your own friends? Be dismissive, borderline deceitful? If not, why do you want someone who does these things as a friend?

I think you are lonely and crave human connection. I understand that, but don't lower your standards for friends just to try to stave off loneliness. 

[Cherylyn]

The answer is a resounding NO.   It will be detrimental to try to "be on good terms" after a falling out.  Even though my story is not the same as yours,  I've reached out to a person following years of estrangement and it failed miserably.  I wasted so much time,  energy and resources on a person only for history to repeat itself.  It was a huge mistake.  😡 Go forward and make your life better,  not worse.  Don't complicate your life otherwise you'll regret it.

[SooSad33]

On 8/28/2023 at 12:47 AM, Larissa1443 said:

He did say that he still thinks about me and deeply regrets what he did, but would understand if I didn't want him in his life. I told him all I was bottling up inside this past year and asked him to not contact me again. However, the past few weeks I've been thinking about him quite often. I've realized, I miss the sort of friendship I had with him.

I feel this was more just like a trigger.  His contacting you brought up those feelings again 😕 .

Honestly, I'd say to keep away from him. As you do still have some hurt feelings & feelings in general for him, don't you?

This is what sucks when we 'cross the line', with someone who was once a 'friend' 😕 .

Maybe just keep moving on.  For your own sanity.

[Capricorn3]

A really really BAD idea.  To remind yourself why it's a bad idea, please re-read your own words in your original post above - remember all the bad things about him.  He has NOT changed. Nothing will come of contacting him again, except hurt for yourself.

[Tinydance]

Well to me it sounds like your ex is also single and alone and that's probably why he reached out to you. In my opinion he treated you really badly and he probably did have feelings for his housemate. Otherwise I don't see why he never introduced you to her and why the three of you couldn't have hung out all together. And the fact that he ended it probably shows that he actually "chose" her over you. 

I also find it weird that he's taken a year to apologise. I'm not really sure what you should do. I'm friends with a couple of my ex's but to be honest we're more like distant acquaintances. I just have them on Facebook but I speak to them pretty rarely and I don't really see them. I think it's probably too hard to be actual friends with an ex. 

If you want to try being friends, you can do that. But to me it seems more like you're just feeling nostalgic and lonely. If you tried to be friends with the agenda to get back together, then that's not really being friends either.

[boltnrun]

I never understand why someone would want to be friends with someone who treated them poorly. I would guess it's mainly because they're still "hoping" to reconcile for some unfathomable reason. 

[Andrina]

Ring, ring, ring. It's your past calling. Don't answer. It has nothing new to say.

When you're unhappy in your present, you can't fathom what the future holds, so you look to the past to find your happiness, but you're wrong in that you will find it there.

Your self-worth is clearly lacking as well, because subsconsciously you feel that pieces of crap are what you deserve, so it's what you feel you should accept.

My advice? Block him. Read some articles/books on how to build your self-worth. Make a must-have list and a dealbreaker list for future dating situations, and stick to the list. As soon as a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time. No giving second chances and trying to make sense over something that doesn't make sense. You're a grown woman and you have to have your own back. 

You don't have to keep connections and be buddies with exes. I don't understand the satisfaction of every few years saying, "Hi, how are you?" Buddies are people you can hang out with and communicate with regularly, which a new partner wouldn't tolerate if that buddy is an ex.  Let it go!

[catfeeder]

The bigger question I’d ask myself would be, with millions of people in the world, why would I target THIS guy for a friend?

Examine your motives. Check whether your ego wants another round of trying to convert him.

Try exploring new ways of making new friends. You’ll be less likely to pick at an old scab when you have enough going on in your life.