Larissa1443

Yeah this is true. I do need to do better for myself. I thought about this today. It really is a good point. I think I'd be the red flag in this situation if I met someone new. I think I just need to let a few weeks go by and I think this feeling will eventually fade.

Last year, I (29F) met a guy (29M) who used to go get food where I worked. He added me on social media, we went out and had a really good first date. I went on a solo trip right after that and thought we'd lose contact but turned out we didn't go a day without talking to each other, we'd facetime all the time and had a really good connection. When I flew back, he picked me up at the airport and asked me to be his girlfriend. The whole thing seemed "too good to be true", but I went with it, because well, life is about living right? Well, things went down south real quick. He was moving out and moving in another house, with his friend. His friend however, was a long time friend who he used to crush on years ago. (some of you might here remember this bizarre story lol) I was insecure about it at first but he "assured me" there was nothing there. However, his actions didn't match his words, and what seemed like a relationship with me where he was very caring, empathetic and genuine, ended being showing me a side of his where he was very selfish and uncaring about the whole situation. He wouldn't introduce me to this girl friend of his, it would always be something happening that we couldn't meet, he would specifically tell me he wanted to spend let's say, a Saturday night, with only her and not have me involved because it was a "housemate" thing, and overall just made it seem like she was much more relevant in his life than I was. One weekend night I got really upset because of how he was acting towards me in relation to her and quickly he ended things with me saying "I crossed the limits". It guy seemed in love with this woman and moving in with her was "finally his chance" to win her over - at least that's what he portrayed it to be like. I was devastated. I spent months blaming myself and it felt unreal. I had finally met a person who I'd gotten along with so well, more than anyone I've ever met, and got that taken away from me so quickly. I moved on, worked on myself, dated other people and realised that in fact I deserved better and this guy didn't really consider my feelings at the time at all. He came to apologize this May, after almost a year, saying how he in fact didn't treat me right and how he put her above me. He assured me he had no feelings for her but the way he acted at the time made it seem like it and he understands he could've done better and he was selfish about it. We exchanged long paragraphs to each other and it seemed in a way, like he wanted me back in his life. He did say that he still thinks about me and deeply regrets what he did, but would understand if I didn't want him in his life. I told him all I was bottling up inside this past year and asked him to not contact me again. However, the past few weeks I've been thinking about him quite often. I've realized, I miss the sort of friendship I had with him. I know this doesn't change what he did and in no way am I excusing it. But I feel like the anger has gone away and I wanted to connect with him again, in a friendship manner. I don't want to put myself aside for this nor "humiliate" myself, but I have been very divided the past few weeks if I should message him or not. I'm friends with a few exes of mine, nothing too close, but an eventual "hey how's it going" every once in a while. I'm torn on what to do. Part of me also feels like I only feel this way because I'm single and don't have anyone, but at the same time, even when I was dating other guys, I didn't have the sort of connection I had with him. I don't want him back. I know things won't be the same nor do I want to reach out of loneliness or feeling like there's hope - but rather some sort of closure within myself that this person was in a way special to me and I feel like I'm ready to be on good terms with them - even if it means this person not replying to me, it is still, in a way, some sort of closure that I feel I've gotten with my past partners, but still haven't been able to get it with him.

That comforts me in a weird way? She’s at a hospital atm. If you don’t mind, are you able to share a bit more of your experience? Was your dad ever able to fully recover? Obviously I wished my mom would get better and my parents would be happy together. Before at least she “only” had issues with me and my brother but now even my dad is over the situation and it’s really sad to see.

So an update on all that's been happening. We were gonna do a road trip the 3 of us (dad, mom and I), but since she wouldn't come out of her room and wasn't well, dad and I went on our own. Trip was going fine, everything fun and all of a sudden we get a call from my brother that she, once again, tried to commit suicide. Obviously that cut our 3 day trip short and we drove back home. Mind you, this is the sixth time that I know of that she does this. I was fuming. It was as clear as daylight she did this so she could, once again, bring the spotlight to her. It can't be on her daughter who lives overseas and came to visit. It has to be on h e r. Now my dad and her have been married for 35 years. My dad is the best husband you could ask for. All these years he has stood by her side and loved her all along. But I've always known he deserves more. And for the first time, I can see that he has been rethinking his choices. He has to do everything on his own, she's always in bed depressed and at this point, it's almost as if he's become her carer. I can see he will always love her, but I no longer think he is in love with her. And honestly, she hasn't added anything to either mine, my brother's or my dad's lives for the longest time. Much on the contrary, everyone is always upset, stressed and overwhelmed, because she makes it like that. Everything with her is chaotic. Seeing my dad admit he neglected me when I pleaded he divorced my mom because I could no longer withstand her abuse just broke me. Because at least, I had hope. I had hope, maybe someday, they'd finally be happy together and enjoy life. But that is clearly not the case. She has never changed, and most likely, never will. And this story is most likely not to have a happy ending. My mom doesn't have any family on her side, and I fear what the future holds for her, but at the same time, no one can take it anymore. We all just want to be happy and being around her is miserable. It's just so sad. To the point where I'm considering moving back home from overseas so I can be with my dad. But I truly think he will be happier without her. This whole thing is sad. Sadness is her comfort zone. She doesn't know a life without it nor she wants to. And I think it's gotten to the point where we're all done with accepting her comfort zone.

She has been diagnosed many years ago, takes medication and has been to rehab numerous times as well as a few suicide attempts. My issue isn’t with her mental health per se, but rather the fact that she spent the years we lived together blaming me for her issues and now blames my brother. We are just humans existing; we make mistakes but we’re not evil and she’s always made it seem like we’re some devil sent from hell to ruin her life and it’s all our fault she is the way she is. Like come on, I can acknowledge I have a mental health issue and still not make myself a victim out of it. I remember being as young as 11yo and asking my mom if I could go play with my friends outside and she would come crying saying how miserable she was and that I should be ashamed to ask such thing when she was having such a hard time. I was 11yo, I was a kid!! What sort of emotional intelligence does a kid have? Yet I was piled with endless emotional baggage from her as if it was my responsibility to cure it. I would constantly walk on eggshells because she would make the rules as we went. She’d even one time went as far threatening to hit a tree while she was driving the car with me and my brother in it. I can go on with the endless abusive stories. Like yeah, she’s not normal but I’m just sick of it. I don’t even get sad or angry anymore I’m just bored and over it. We get it, you’re miserable, let us live our lives please, we don’t need your opinion on how you think we “failed” you as kids. At this point I don’t give a ***, but I am ***ing exhausted of being blamed for her problems.

Thank you everyone for the kind words and support. It is like Kwothe28 said, it’ll be the smallest things that will turn into chaos. And it gets to you. It took me years of therapy to unlearn that I’m not the piece of sh* she made me feel like I was. It took years to accept myself for who I am and reliving those scenarios is such an immense trigger for me and it makes me feel RAGE and all other horrible feelings no one ever made me feel. Ever. But I am over it. I wonder if she had to wake up at 5am to put a roof over her head and food on the table, she would have depression. I wonder if she actually had bills to pay she would spend days in bed crying and complaining about life. I am not minimising mental health at all, like I said, I have depression and anxiety and have mild ADHD, I know that our mind can be hell. But I didn’t have a choice. Living overseas can be lonely. I had to go through heartbreak, home sickness and all sorts of sad feelings alone, while still having to get up and go to work and put a smile on my face. That’s why I don’t buy this depression thing anymore and it pisses me off. How she made her entire life about herself and made everyone else miserable around her. Why not try and be a pleasant person instead? Why do you have to be such a massive energy sucker in order to get some attention? Why can’t you just be a fun person to be around? It’s almost like she knows she has nothing to offer so she has to play the depression card so people can give her some attention. And if you dare not go check up on her “oh my god, how could you not care about your mother? You’re such an ungrateful daughter”. And blaming her children for choosing not so great paths in life. For drowning in drugs and alcohol because life around her was so miserable the only way out before being financially independent was channeling the pain away. And unfortunately for my brother and I, that meant choosing things that weren’t necessarily healthy for us. Also, I’ve got my own problems, my own inner demons, my own issues and challenges, I don’t have time to be constantly checking up on someone who, ideally, should be the one checking up on me. But even they don’t, just don’t come at me like it’s my responsibility to look after someone who chose to bring me into this life. Especially when they make absolutely no effort to be pleasant. Ugh, it’s truly, sad, at the end of the day. Because I wish I had a normal mom, I wish things were nice. I wish my dad and brother got the mom and wife they deserve and I wish I hadn’t gotten into so many abusive relationships because I never knew what love was. But it is what it is. I don’t think I’ll ever find someone to build a family with and I truly wish I had a normal healthy life scenario, I guess I will just continue to build it for myself, like I’ve been doing…

I (29F) don’t know what happened in the past with my mom (59F) but she’s always been resentful, mean, narcissistic and overall not a good parent. Lived literal hell for years with physical and emotional abuse until I was able to finally leave. My dad I have no complaints at all, has always been loving, supportive of my choices and kind. It wasn’t only until I got out of my parents house when I was 22 that our relationship got somewhat better and then I moved overseas at 26 (I’m 29 now) and she was actually being nice? Saying things like “I love you” or giving advice about life, things she’d never done in my entire childhood and teenage years. I am visiting them after 3 years being overseas and she’s back to who she was. Or shall I say, it never changed. The smallest things will turn into drama and she NEVER apologises for anything. It’s always someone’s fault but hers. I’ll give an example: I ordered food delivery, and while I was eating she threw out the package while I was still eating, she said there was “nothing in there”. There was still some sauce I wanted to eat with rice, but whatever. Now, a normal person would just apologize for throwing it away and accept weather I’d want to eat it or not after she took it out of the bin and said it was clean but I denied it, so she threw the delivery package on the sink, walked off, slammed her door shut and has been in her room since then (24hrs). She ALWAYS does this, she’ll moan and complain, cry all under the excuse she has depression and the smallest things will turn into something huge when she was the one that started it herself?? Mind you, she doesn’t work and lives in a ***ing mansion and has no tangible responsibilities except taking care of her pets as my dad is the bread winner of the house. She has literally no problems in life yet she is always miserable. I’m living overseas, I’ve worked every job you can imagine to pay my bills. I’ve cleaned old people’s toilets with poop on the floor, I’ve stayed up until 5am serving drunk teenagers at fast food restaurants, Ive done it all and here I am. That’s life, it’s hard but so what? I get up and fight. She chooses to complain and complain and complain. Now, I get the depression part as I’ve had depression myself and I have battled anxiety my entire life, but I don’t victimise myself and blame it on the world. Of course there are outside factors that contribute to this, but I think for her it’s easier to stay in her comfort zone instead of actually looking inwards and improving herself. I am so sick and tired of the same bull*** for years. When I was younger I tried to always cater to her and make sure not a single plate was out of place otherwise she would turn into a demon but now that I’m almost 30 and have no drama in my life (or at least not to this level), I’m done catering to her miserable self. You’ve had almost 60 years of your life to grow the *** up and yet all you do is make a victim of yourself and try to get everyone to feel sorry for you. MF I feel sorry for myself that has to pay sky high rent, pay for my school all of this while working 50+/h a week and still trying to have a social life and time for my side gigs. I feel sorry for people who can’t afford to eat or don’t have a place to sleep. I feel sorry for people who aren’t able to walk or talk. She has the world and nothing is ever good enough, I’m so sick of this. I’m sick of someone who has double my age yet acts like a teenager and treats me badly when I haven’t seen her in 3 years, like at least pretend you care????? I don’t understand, I don’t understand how someone can always be miserable and play the victim card every ***ing time. It’s gotten old, I don’t fall for it anymore. But I don’t want to deal with this yet I love my brother and my dad but this person gets in the way and makes the whole thing miserable. I’m already wanting to go back home when I’ve waited years to be back here again, that’s how bad she makes it. I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or this is just a rant but oh my god, I am so done with this person. I’ve never met anyone more miserable and entitled than her.

He could've just said it the first few times I asked him that. He could've saved the heartache and just let me go from the beginning. Yet he continued to keep me around until he got his radio show episode I gave him and like I was suspecting, he ended afterwards. Which is too much of a coincidence to me to not think he was using me. I did ask him "are you sure you don't want to see other women? "I'm sure, I only want you and I want to explore this relationship between us" This was said not only one time, but a few. Yeah people are allowed to change their minds but the fact that I practically begged for him to tell me the truth and he chose to continue hanging out with me until it wasn't convenient for him anymore and then ended it really pissed me off. And then, after deciding that he didn't want to be with me anymore, why show up at MY event not even a week after? I was doing fine before this whole ***show of a weekend.

Oh I'm definitely jaded, I deleted my dating apps and I can't even picture myself getting involved with anyone else. I know this will pass but at this point I'm not willing to risk getting hurt again nor do I trust myself enough to not get into situations like this. Like I said, I take full responsibility for being an idiot and inviting him home. I thought I was super empowered and confident in myself and this just showed how I still have no respect for my feelings. I do realize that. I even told my friends that I am done with dating for a while because it seems every time I give it a try, it ends up being some sort of drama filled situation and I just want to be at peace. I feel a bit lost in this whole situation as I feel like I've learnt a lot but I also end up making the same mistakes over and over. I decided to take a break from dating and am also in therapy. I do think I have made progress over the past months and years, but I'm still not quite where I want to be because I keep getting into these messy and extremely hurtful situations. That night I was so happy about my event and I was so happy with myself for being able to leave a situation that hurt me and him being there made me angry because it shifted my emotions and my healing (I'm not blaming him - rather just annoyed with that fact). I remember thinking to myself that night before I saw him "I'm so glad I get to have a night with my friends doing the thing I love the most which is music, I'm so glad he's not in my life and I was able to put behind me something that hurt me even though I still liked him" and then seeing him and thinking "oh no, that's the last thing I wanted for tonight". Because I knew I still liked him, because I knew I wasn't healed yet, because I knew I would cave in. It isn't his fault for me inviting him over but yeah, I was still annoyed that he had to come that night. Even if I hadn't gone home with him, I asked for space and distance when we split and he didn't respect that. And, because I knew, if he didn't give me space, I would do exactly what I did. It's not his fault, but his lack of consideration and choice of words hurt me. And I'm trying to get over that but I'm not gonna lie and say it's been easy.

Agreed. I'm just venting here because I'm still hurt by his choice of words. I'm not wanting to change anything, I'm just still shaken by the things he said to me and I just need to vent, that's all.

I think my whole issue isn't his choices rather his choice of words. It's laying in bed naked with someone you just had sex with and have them say "having sex with other women is fun". It's telling me "I'm not that special", it's saying that "I'm just another connection" when clearly, he could've been with other women and he chose to be with me, then how am I just the same as every other woman? It's good being honest, but if I knew something I said would hurt someone, I wouldn't say it just for the sake of being honest. He knew that it would hurt. It hurt me, I can't act like it didn't, I can't pretend that I'm super mature and okay and hearing that didn't bother me. What am I supposed to do? Ignore the fact that I didn't find that a cool thing to say? Or normalize the fact that he spent this time with me and I'm nothing to him? And honestly, if this was a case where he wanted me out of his life and that's why he was doing this, he wouldn't have stated multiple times that he wanted to still see me and hang out with me. He could've simply said "I agree it's best we take some time apart".

I'm okay with him enjoying casual sex, but come on, do you have to tell the person that you know that likes you "I want to still hang out and catch up with you but just know that I'll be sleeping with other women". Can't you just say something in the lines of "we're not compatible, maybe down the line we can be friends". Why do you have to rub salt in the wound? I have no problem with his choices, but why does his wording have to be so inconsiderate and mean?

Yeah I agree I fantasized a lot, I guess during these years I've been single, the guys I've spent a longer time with usually would have the consideration to say at least that they enjoyed their time with me, that I was this or that. Him saying that "I'm not that special" and "am just a connection like many others" really hurt me. You don't have to be in love with me, but surely I brought something to the table if you chose to stay around? When just two weeks ago he was telling me how "he was going to communicate more and be more part of my life because he wanted to see me happy". The whole thing just made me feel like a *** individual, like nothing that I am or was affected him in any form. I've never hung around a guy past the third or fourth date if I didn't like him, much much less would I be the one to reach out and make plans with them, but this is exactly what he did to me.

I guess it's super weird to me how one would go from being super jealous and insecure in a LT monogamous relationship to this guy who thinks sleeping around is fun. He told me his ex partner broke up with him due to him being super insecure and jealous. So he wasn't always like this, he wasn't always this "womanizer" guy. I know people can change but he went to an extreme from another. I've never been in bed with a guy who's said right after we had sex that he enjoys having sex with other women. Like NEVER and I've heard a lot in my almost three decades of life. I know that is none of my business and he's on his own journey, but yeah it does bother me that I met someone who seems to be in a such different mindset from mine that I can't even wrap my head around why one would insist on being with me if from the start he knew we weren't at all compatible. He was the one who insisted on staying, he was the one who made it clear he didn't want others. Should've just left me alone and saved both of us this drama and time wasted.

I guess that on its own doesn't bother me. I've had casual flings with guys. I've had one nights stands etc but if I'm spending time consistently with someone that's a different story then meeting up with a FWB every once in a while or casual hook ups. The fact that we hung out every week, he introduced me to his friends and we were sharing moments together is what bothers me when he said about sleeping with other women being fun. I found that insensitive and hurtful thing to say when you know the other person wouldn't want to hear that. Also the fact that he's able to do that and NOT get emotionally involved is what makes me upset. Like, how were you spending time with me and you tell me I'm not that special? I know his view of me doesn't define who I am or my worth, but man it still hurt hearing that. He allowed for time to pass, to tell me he wanted to be with me and only me to then change again (coincidentally right after the date I gave him an opportunity to do something related to music) for then to say all of these things when I had CONTINUOUSLY asked him if he wanted to see other women and he confirmed over and over again he didn't. He had multiple opportunities to leave yet he stayed until it was convenient for him.

I think deep down I wanted to get an excuse to ask him if he still felt anything for me. If the reason why he came to the event is because he had missed me or anything and being drunk just brought that out on me. But yeah, I don't even think I'll ever see this guy again, if he does show up at an event of mine I will stay away. Up until that day I still thought well of him but after what he told me this weekend I couldn't care less about him as a person. I felt so grossed out by him and by me for sleeping with him again. He didn't deserve any of my attention and he ended up getting a massive ego boost.

This was my event at a venue, my friends and I who run these events are friends with the owners and they pay us to play there. He could come if he wanted to he's not banned or anything, but I'd expected him to have the decency to think "we just ended five days ago, although I do want to go see her event, I'm sure there's other things I could do and give her some space" (because there were MULTIPLE events happening that night, and events that I know he would go to - he even said before we split that he might not come to my event because there was something else going on). But yeah of course, I was upset by my own expectations. I was so happy that night and when I saw him there I just felt so annoyed. And yes, I did sleep with him and yes he did spend the night. I know I'm an idiot for doing that. I never thought I'd even see him again. I don't want any contact with him, I've lost any admiration I had for this person. But yeah, I still feel like ***, for liking him, for telling him I think he's special, for crying and feeling like I was talking to a stone wall who doesn't show any sort of emotion. I feel like *** for last week making such good progress and then hearing "sleeping with other women is fun" while laying in bed with him just hurt me in a way I've never been hurt before. I think part of me wanted to make easily connections with people like he says he can, I wish he could be "just another connection" but he was actually special to me for who he was. WAS special. I'll be fine, but it's still stinging.

Yeah I guess I just can't wrap my head around how we've known each other for months and had been having this exclusive relationship for almost two months and he acts like I'm NOTHING. Like I'm just a "cool friend" as if we hadn't shared thoughts and intimate moments together, as if none of that meant anything to him. I know I'll get over it but I wish I hadn't given him my attention, I wish I had just been indifferent to him when he showed up on that day because that's what he deserved.

Well, it seems the drama never ends. This weekend I had an event of mine going on (I work with music events as a passion and side hustle) and he's known about this event for quite a while. We enjoy the same sort of music and he's gone to another event of mine. However, I wouldn't have expected him to be there this time! I asked him what he was doing there and he said "I told you I would come" and also said "I thought you said you wanted to stay friends", he brought all his friends as well and we spoke for a while but I was sort of angry because when we said our goodbyes when we split, I even cried so he knew I was upset. We live in a big city and I can assure you there were numerous events happening on that day, he did not have to come to mine. I told my friends: I can't believe he's actually here. We broke up 5 days ago and he doesn't even give me space and time to heal, rocks up at MY event where I'm having fun with my friends and enjoying my time and just sort acts nonchalant like we're super good friends. Luckily I had my friends there with me so I barely paid attention to him, but of course, I had a moment of weakness. I was quite drunk and we had this chat and asked him to come over (I know I asked for it, I know I had a massive moment of weakness) - but then getting home we had this argument - I told him I liked him for who he was, for his personality and his traits - not just because he's someone I get a long with, he then turned around and said "I mean, you're cool and all but you're not that special you're just another connection to me" to which then he said that "having sex with multiple women is fun and I shouldn't take it so seriously and it's not that big of a deal". In the morning I confirmed if that's what he actually meant and he said "yeah, I like sleeping with multiple people". He was being honest but he KNEW that would hurt me. He KNEW two months ago when I asked to be exclusive with him that I didn't like that idea, why the actual *** would you say that to me. He would smirk while saying it. I felt so angry and stupid and grossed out by him. He also said that "there's women out there who just want to casually date" but I really really doubt any woman would be okay with a guy constantly talking to them, hanging out with them constantly, meeting their friends and then being okay with said guy sleeping with others. When I was younger I would lie to guys and myself saying I didn't want a relationship to not scare them away and I'm pretty sure a lot of women he does that too are also lying to him. He then had the audacity to say that he wants to continue hanging out with me but I should know that he won't sleep with me because he'll be sleeping with other women and said that if I want at my own risk to sleep with him knowing that then he's okay with it as well. Ohhhhhhhh my goddddddd I wanted to kill myself and just wanted him to leave. I know everyone will say I asked for it and yes, of course I shouldn't have even invited him over. I know, I know. I was stupid and wanted to feel close to him again and seeing him just made me feel everything again. I somehow think he even went to the event because he knew I was okay without him and he just had to confirm for himself that I was still into him. I don't know, really. He got what he wanted. Because otherwise I would've NEVER reached out to him again. So of course he had to come to my event and rub it in my face that he feels nothing for me. All the progress I was making last week getting over him and empowering myself went down the drain and I feel like ***. I feel like an idiot for opening up to him, I feel like an idiot for liking a guy that clearly couldn't care less if I lived or died my vulnerability. Like honestly I was feeling SO good for being brave to leave until he showed up at my event and everything went to hell.

Omg thank you both of you for the wisdom. Reading this has helped me a lot getting out of this pity party I'm throwing for myself lol There is in fact so much here for me learn from and understand. I remember looking at pictures of him and his ex and thinking "I wish he would this and that for me as well..." and in the past, I would've stayed longer than I should. Once again with the idea that if I stayed, it would make him realize I'm "worth it" and start doing more for me. I don't understand why I so easily fall into that trap (working in therapy for that). I'm glad I was able to get out sooner than later because once again I was making the mistake of trying to earn his love, attention and affection when clearly that should've been there from the start.

I think he is still not 100% healed from his past relationship, I could sense that when we had our last conversation, plus he told me he's not ready to commit to another one in the same sense. But also he started an open relationship 2 months after his break up and got together with me since the open relationship ended and he hasn't been alone since. I wish I could simply just move on like that as well haha. I usually will take weeks/months to even be able to open up to someone else again let alone start a relationship or become exclusive with someone again. I think part of me wishes he didn't let me go so easily, but then again, I knew this whole time he didn't want something serious and he was moving overseas so that's on me for insisting. What he also told me is that he had been acting like that to other people ever since he ended the LTR and he was okay dating me and only me until he moved overseas. He did tell me though, that he could be giving me more but he hasn't done that to anyone and that he's still traumatized from his last relationship. It truly makes me sad that I've met people in my life who are afraid to commit because they're scared to get hurt. I'm far from perfect but I would do everything in my power to not hurt him. But that's not on me to make him see that. I've spent way too many years and time trying to convince potential partners that "I'm worth it" and never once has it worked. Hopefully this feeling will go away sooner than later. Thank you for the kind words!

Yeah I think I am starting to learn/realize that... Recently I saw a video of this guy saying how you can think a person is good, charismatic, nice, kind, funny, interesting and all the good qualities you'd want in a partner but how do they make you feel? I can see there is a difference between someone being all those good things and at the same time making you feel anxious, alone, sad etc. I won't lie and say I've been back and forth wondering if I made the right decision, if I should call him up and ask to get back. But at the same time, it will only prolong the inevitable pain. I think I also compare a lot. I'm so scared he'll find someone when he is ready whereas I've been ready for years and haven't been able to find someone. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me and sort of "jealous" of the situation. Wishing I could be this detached, wishing I could jump from person to person like he did/does. It's a mix of feelings that I find so hard to organize inside my head and sometimes I just completely shut down and put my thoughts into something random just so I don't spend my time overthinking.

So, I have given this some thought. I have been single for almost 4 years. During these 4 years I've had short term relationships here and there. I've had a few hook ups, I've met guys I wasn't into and I've met guys I was into etc. I find myself trying to fill the voids in order to avoid a mental breakdown sometimes. Like yes, I have great friends, a good job, nice house, my family (they're overseas though which makes it harder), my cat. I go to the gym, I have hobbies. I wouldn't say my life is miserable, yeah I do have things going on, but I notice that when I'm with someone I enjoy - like for example this guy, my days felt more wholesome. Instead of spending a Sunday day alone doing my own things, I'd spend the day with him which at the end of it, was so much cooler and fulfilling. This doesn't come from a place of emotional co-dependency, but rather how yes, I can enjoy my alone time, but spending time with other people left me with a sense of a fulfilled day rather than a mundane one where I did nothing. I've lost count how many weekends I spent alone and I cried because yeah, I'm happy doing things on my own, but the fact that I've been alone for so long gets to you sometimes. The same thing goes for friends. If I go on a road trip with friends, so many memories and laughs are created opposed to when I can go alone. Can I go alone and have fun? Of course, I've done that numerous times. But there comes a moment where you wish you had someone to share that with. I feel like whenever I share that with people, I get instantly attacked "oh but you have to be happy on your own". Yes! I am. But I also want to share moments with a loved one, and yes, I want that loved on to be a romantic partner as well. And it just gets old because it seems that just because I desire someone, automatically means I don't value myself. I've never stuck around when I wasn't into a guy though. If by the third or fourth date I didn't feel it, I'd just let it go. On the other hand, I've had guys who weren't that into me and stayed around because it was "good enough". So that always leaves me puzzled, because if I wasn't into the guy, I'd leave. But they stay and it leaves me confused. I stayed around because honestly having him a few times was better than not having at all. I will say that my anxiety has drastically dropped since we ended things yesterday, but it's still frustrating. I wonder if there'll ever be a day where it won't be lessons anymore rather I can just enjoy someone's company as much as they enjoy mine.

Yeah your story about the coffee date guy was really interesting and similar to mine. This. That's how I felt. He didn't choose to be exclusive to me because he wanted to. He told it was because it was either that or nothing, and he didn't want nothing. The only good thing about this is that I've noticed I no longer blame myself. I used to think "what is missing on me that he doesn't want to be with me", I've done that literally my whole life and for the first time I'm like "yeah, this has nothing to do with me rather the moment he is in his life right now and that's ok". Still hurts of course, but at least my self esteem isn't crushed.

Yeah I do take responsibility for my share of knowing this was doomed to happen either way. What I didn't expect was for us to have such little communication and not hang out that much. I'd be okay with that but I always felt like he'd be gone for days and not even ask me how I was and that really bothered me, or the fact that he had all this free time and wouldn't ask me out on dates. Either way, I take this a lesson. I am quite tired of these so called "lessons" to be honest, but it is what is and I've got no bad feelings towards him, we're still friends and I wish him the best either way.