Larissa1443

We (me 29F him 26M) have been seeing each other exclusively for a little over a month, known each other for 4 mo. Before that he was in an open relationship and he ended it and we started hanging out more. He said he was unsure about what he wanted but then told me he wants to be with me and see where this goes. I do want a relationship and romance etc so I'm unsure where this is headed to. The whole situation started a bit messy as you can see, but we talked it through and were able to sort it. He's been somewhat consistent, plans dates and time to hang out with me, we get along well but I always feel like something's lacking. When we're together there's nothing bad I can say about him. He truly is a sweetheart and treats me well, but we don't spend that much time together and I can see we are possibly in different stages and want different things. Thing is, there's this girl he was hooking up with a few weeks before we got together exclusively and I know who she is but he doesn't know I know (a good online stalker that I am LOL). Turns out he's getting a tattoo with her tonight and I am dying inside. He told me she was a housemate's friend but I know she's not. When he opened their messages to show me the tattoo pic, I could tell there was some back and forth conversation between them which he quickly scrolled up to get to the pic and when he finished showing me the pic, he closed the app instead of going back to the conversation. Clearly there was something there I couldn't see. She does have an unique style and I can understand why he'd want to tattoo with her so that's not the issue here, more so the fact that I feel uncomfortable with them together. And the fact that we are exclusive but somehow is still keeping this girl in his life and I have to be ok with it because "they're friends" I know a lot of you will say to dump him because he's lying, but in my mind I think he might be doing that because he knows I'll get jealous and he doesn't want me getting upset. I know lying either way is bad, I know, but also maybe he's doing it to not upset me as he might be truly, just going there to get a tattoo. He did show me her instagram and told me he was going to her apartment, it's not like he omitted the whole thing but I don't have that much intimacy with him to bring this up, like "hey I know you're lying about this chick", because that'll just make me sound crazy, so I'm playing the chill girl. But how do I know they're not gonna do something more than just the tattoo? What if things escalate and they end up sleeping together and I'll never know? I feel like I'm in a pickle here. Yesterday also, we were together and I spoke to him about how we lack in communication during the week - sometimes we'll go two or three days without talking and it bothers me and he told me he's happy to communicate more if that'll make me happy but you know when the conversation just ends awkwardly? He also said it's not a good indicator that already he's not making me happy to which I agreed. However, he listens to me and validates my feelings which is something I've never experienced with any guy. I truly truly want this person to be happy, I think they're a good human being unlike all the toxic men in my life, I don't want to push them to act a certain way or do something, I want them to be with me and do things with me out of want, not from me asking, but at the same time, I also deserve to be happy. I also know a perfect soul mate doesn't exist so I do keep that in mind before making any decisions. I've thought about ending things but then again it just seems like the easy way out and whenever things start getting more serious I panic and have this urge to leave before I get hurt so I want to change those patterns, but I also feel like it's too much work and anxiety and I don't want to go through this. Help! 😞

I grew up in a dysfunctional household. My mother suffered abuse from her dad and she passed it onto my brother and she also had lots of traces of a narcissistic personality disorder. I had a good childhood, but my teenage years were literal hell. My mother abused my brother and I continuously, both verbally and physically. Like any narcissist, whenever we'd get her approval of something, it would be bliss. "Finally we were on her good side", but it look anything like even leaving a glass on a table for her to turn into a monster and blame us for existing. Many many times I heard I was an idiot, useless, shouldn't have been born, deserve be die alone, can't do anything right, that I'm dumb and the list goes on. I was physically hurt many times, I feared for my life a couple times - one time she threatened to crash into a tree while she was driving my brother and I to school. Life had always to be on her terms, every single detail. We were mocked for crying, we weren't allowed to be authentic and any spark of joy we had was instantly destroyed by her rage. She also suffers from depression and has attempted suicide more than a couple times. Needless to say, I grew up extremely traumatized and it put me in many many abusive relationships during my 20s and many self doubts. Now that I'm reaching my 30s, I can say I am healing, am in therapy. I now have a healthy relationship with her as well - for some reason she changed into a loving mother after I left my parents' house. But this isn't about me. We grew up in an upper-middle class suburb and always had an outstanding life in terms of resources. Good house, good school, clothes, travelling. Anything we wanted, we had it. My dad is the most hard working man I've ever met and everything that I have and am today, is thanks to him. He is my biggest inspiration in life and is the best person I have ever met. He has a heart of gold and I would truly die for him. I've always strived to be independent regardless of what we had. I moved overseas looking for new adventures and experiences. I've moved on. However, back home, everything seems to be upside down. My brother, who also endured the things I did, seems to be heading in the wrong direction. He hasn't finished school, he doesn't work and smokes weed all day. He lies to my parents. Recently he stole my mom's car and crashed it while they were away on a holiday. My mother is in a psychiatric clinic as she asked to be hospitalized as she was having suicidal thoughts again. To make matters worse, he got his ex girlfriend pregnant and he just had a baby. A beautiful baby boy, but my lord, my brother is a child himself. My dad, feels guilty thinking this is his fault and I assured him he is the last person to be blamed for this, he's the best parent anyone could ever have, my mother on the other hand, I cannot say the same thing unfortunately. My brother and mom still don't get along and it becomes an endless cycle of them treating each other badly. I love my brother, after all, he is family. But I'm starting to resent him for who he's becoming. And here on the other side of the world, I feel guilty for not even being able to help. My dad doesn't deserve this and I wish none of this was happening. I wish my brother would find a job and start his life, I wish he'd realize what he's doing is not ok. This is also due to the fact that growing up with money, my brother never had the need to change his lifestyle. But what he doesn't get is that lifestyle won't last forever. He needs to wake the f* up. He is sweet, has a gentle heart, he isn't violent or aggressive, but his life choices are damaging whatever else is left of this family. I'm not really sure what sort of advice I'm looking for here, like I said, it isn't about me, but more of what I can do to help out in this situation. What can I do for my brother, for my dad and for my mom? Being on the other side of the world makes everything harder as well.

I think it's so hard to find someone who will even take me on a second date that whenever things are going a bit further I get overly excited and just give myself in. Like the last guy, we made it to the sixth date, I have had that happen maybe 3 or 4 times in the past 4 years? All the others were a bunch of first dates, a few second dates or third that led to nothing... Or I wasn't mentally in a good headspace and ended up with a bunch of guys who didn't add any value either. I legit had one guy out of all of these who was super hot and attractive and we had a FWB for a while and it was honestly the "healthiest" relationship I've had. We'd hit each other up for sex and that was it. All other interactions with other men were messy and weird. When I go on dates now I just go to have fun, literal no expectations. Deep down I know it'll lead nowhere as most people have this "endless options out there" mentality. I craved emotional intimacy. I wanted to get to know someone on a deeper level, spend time together, do fun activities, to laugh together and have a fun time. To get to know their weird quirks and open up about my insecurities. I wanted walks in the park, cooking together and spending Saturday night at home watching a movie. I honestly cannot remember when was the last time I stayed in with someone and watched a movie and cuddled. It's been what, two years? If there's a God he knows how much I wanted to do those things with last guy and would trade having endless options for one in a heartbeat, but somehow the options that got presented to me were situations like I stated. I simply don't have any interaction with any guy at all. I don't even get to go out for breakfast or grab a coffee on a random date. I have NO ONE and I've had no one for the last 3 years and it's starting to become miserable. Yes it is my fault that I chose to stay in a lot of situations, but it isn't my fault having no idea what the person is like just through an app, which is where I met most of them. It's not my fault I haven't yet met someone who is worth keeping around. That's the issue. If I had, we'd be together. Three and half years single should've been enough time. I'm just exhausted from trying that's all. And I gave up. Giving up took away the weight of desiring something I'll possibly never have.

That is true I also confuse the early stages of talking with being confused, especially as an anxious attached person. But now looking back, I've always felt like I had to "figure out" what the person was thinking. However, there was one guy who I had no doubt liked me, he was always there and honestly I've never ever felt more safe in my life. He was the one moving in with the housemate. When we had our first conflict, which could've easily been talked out, he ended it with me. Which just proved my point that he still had feelings for her and he hid it very well. I guess it's a risk I'm not willing to go through, I've tried too many times and now I've just decided to let it go.

Well the thing is, I'm not looking for sex and expecting a relationship. I WAS looking for a relationship for the past 2 years and sometimes I'd get ghosted even if I waited some dates to sleep with the guy. Sometimes I'd get ghosted without even sleeping with them at all lol. So point is, having sex or not having sex, looking for a relationship has been nothing but a bunch of traumatic experiences that left me wondering if I'm even lovable in the first place and why is it that people are never interested in truly getting to know me when I know I have so much to offer. I hit rock bottom and honestly this past month I've never felt uglier and disgusted with myself than I was feeling when last guy dumped me. I went through a series of self doubt, low self esteem and questioning every single thing I've ever done. And truth is, I am someone who does enjoy/desire sex and there have been guys I've slept with that I could just have a FWB with. I've just come to terms that, looking for a relationship is setting yourself for disappointment because most people out there don't want to commit, don't want anything serious and they always think that the "next best thing" is one swipe away. I am sooo exhausted of being left feeling as if I'm not good enough and trying to figure out what I'm missing in order to fit in the life of someone I've developed feelings for. Or why is it that everyone I've developed feelings for is never returned. Why I can't have my own "happy ever after", it always has to be a "lesson", never a happy experience. Even the guy who lived with housemate he used to crush on would compare me saying his exes "had no issue with him having girl mates" but he never took into consideration that his so called perfect exes had never been in the situation I'd been - dealing with my SO living with another girl he used to crush on - so of course his exes were okay with it. I would've been too if the situation wasn't that one. I'm never seen for who I am, people always misunderstand me or make their own conclusions based on what they think, leave me without listening to my needs nor do they care. These past 2, if not 3 years, have been nothing but a massive disappointment when it comes to meeting people and it has taught me to never get my hopes up even if the guy talks to you every single day, picks you up at the airport and asks you to be his GF. That still doesn't mean he'll listen to you and respect your boundaries. That still doesn't mean he'll stay. I guess all I'm saying is, at least having sex and being emotionally detached won't get me into these situations. I crave human intimacy of course, so it's hard to shut this door permanently, but in terms of emotional connection I feel completely shut down.

I agree it's my responsibility to weed these people out. I think what "scares" me is the fact that guys who have dumped me and done terrible things to me were able to find their partner and do things for them I wouldn't even dream of them doing for me. As it has happened in the past, I don't even feel anything for them but I do feel like life hasn't been fair to me as in while they're married to the love of their lives, established, married etc and I'm here picking up the pieces from the last guy still who had nothing to offer me. Surely, in these 3 years of being single I would've met at least ONE decent guy, but even the ones who did like me turned out to be controlling and overly jealous about certain situations and I felt trapped. I've never had a truly genuine exchange where both of us are on the same page, want the same things and treat each other with respect. So I do understand it is on me to "choose" to keep these men in my life but there's also a frustration that every guy I meet either will lead to no second date, or when it does, something bad happens. Usually when I don't like the guy I'll know from date one or two and end it, but I've had guys who will string along and hang out until it becomes "too hard". Of course after this last one, I'm out as soon as the person shows something negative, but will I ever meet someone I'm into who's into me as well? The more time goes by the more that seems unrealistic. Sometimes people will say I have to be firm and people will respect me. I see so many women who are "angry" and are not afraid to say what they feel and guys will literally lick the floor the walk on, but when I try to do that, they leave lol. It's like either settle and be quiet and accept everything or set your boundaries and be alone. There's never been a guy who's like "oh wow this girl is worth keeping I better step up my game or I'll lose her" and lots of "meh, this is too hard, I'm out". I honestly feel bored around men now. I'm still talking to a few but mostly because I want to have sex and have "physical needs" and not because I want to get emotionally involved anymore as I simply cannot believe that there are any genuine people out there anymore. I've been trying for the past 2 years to put myself out there and got slapped in the face every single time. To me, everyone is just playing games or trying to show how much they don't care about the other, so I might as well join the dance and pretend. *sigh*

I won't lie and say there isn't a part of me that wishes he'd miss me and message me. It's the fact that I don't mean anything, it's the fact that he can easily find someone else and move on like I never existed. It's the fact that people treat other people like mere conveniences to fill a void or are confused about where they are in life and bring you along into their confusion. I feel angry he never wanted a relationship with me but continued and only ended it when I asked for more. I feel angry to have gone on that second date with him when I shouldn't have gotten emotionally involved. I feel angry only I'm grieving and only I'm suffering with everything that happened. I'm also angry because no matter how many heartbreaks I've gone through and no matter how many times I get told "I deserve better", there's absolutely zero guarantee I'll find "better". In fact, in these 3 years I've been single, I've found a bunch of emotional unavailable people who couldn't care less about how they treated me. And people tell me I'm looking in the wrong places but oh-my-god, I've literally gone out with all ages, types, guys who are more serious, guys who are more laid back. I've gone on so many first dates it's not even funny. And now I'm just numb. I'm not even looking anymore, I quit believing there's someone out there for me because it has been 29 years of disappointments, hurt, lies, betrayal, abuse, gaslighting... I talk to other guys out of boredom now, nobody impresses me anymore, I don't feel attraction to anyone emotionally and can only see men now as a source of physical pleasure because they literally have added nothing to my life up until now. I don't feel empathy nor do I feel the need to treat people with consideration and decency because people will always put themselves first so I'm no longer putting them first either. I'm so sick of this feeling, I'm no longer the happy full of life energetic person I used to be. Slowly I'm regaining myself, but it's the fact that this guy who broke my heart can easily find someone when and how he wants and he's guaranteed to find his person whenever he's ready whereas I've been ready for years now and I get absolutely nothing thrown my way. Endless first dates that lead to nothing, second dates with guys who will ghost or play hot and cold, I've yet to meet someone who was consistent and didn't play games to the point where I had to walk away. I've yet to meet a decent guy who likes me that I like back and will have the least of something in common and chemistry. This other guy on a dating app on his profile said he was looking for a life partner, but couldn't even set up a proper first date and kept pushing to meet me at random times during the week. People aren't even honest about what they want on the apps and they think they can get away with it. I don't even filter anymore through that because it's no guarantee of being the truth. I'm so so tired of this feeling. I've got a lump on my throat for days and I've been crying. At this point I'm not even asking for a soulmate, but don't come into my life if you're gonna leave me with a supposedly """life lesson""". I want to be happy not miserable with lessons. After lots of self reflecting and spending time with my own self and enjoying my company as well as being with friends has made me realize I have so much to offer and I love myself and I think anyone should feel lucky to be with me and I've come to realize that all these men who did what they did, it wasn't because I wasn't good enough but rather THEY weren't good enough. And maybe honestly, I am just a ***ty individual but I just don't care anymore. I've done all the possible emotional work you can think of, I've been through hell and back and thought I'd find someone who's amazing but in turn I just got blamed for asking for respect and companionship. I now just want to be happy and have fun. I've spent way too many years crying for the wrong people who didn't bat an eye when it came to hurting me. And surely, I might be doing something to attract these emotionally unavailable men, but at the same time, I'm not willing to put myself out there to learn more lessons, to realize what "I deserve" and all that BS. I wanted a relationship, I wanted a family, kids and all that jazz. But now I feel like the only option is sleeping around and having fun with as many people as I can, expectations are a buzz kill, expecting people to be decent is asking for too much. Looking for a serious relationship in this day and age does absolutely NOTHING but give you pain and trauma.

I had a long chat with my therapist last night and it was very similar to all that you have advised me here. I felt a certain comfort in knowing that I CAN change this horrible loop and cycle that I'm in. I've noticed physical attraction plays a huge part in how I feel about the person and that clouds my thoughts, especially when it comes to sex as I've had really bad experiences and when I find someone I connect with in bed, it's almost as a love sentence lol. But then again, I know that's not the only important thing in a relationship. That's very much correct. I've noticed in my life I'll put up with anything (except cheating) as I'm so afraid to be alone and lose the person and that "connection" and that I'll never find someone else etc etc that I just put up with it even if it hurts. I'll look past it and think about all the good times we had and justify it as "normal relationship issues". I really struggle with the fine line between "this person isn't perfect and I have to understand their flaws" to "this isn't what I want for myself and I shouldn't put up with it". I'm scared I'll become too picky and end up with no one due to that. I have decided to take a break from dating a really look inwards. I told my therapist yesterday I'm exhausted of these repeating cycles and I'm not willing to go through another one.

I'd say they weren't necessarily hot. I've hooked up with guys hotter than them, I'd say I was enamoured by them and at the time I found them the best looking guys in the planet, but looking back I'm like.... what?? Really?? haha Obviously they're not UGLY per se, but I sensed a bit of narcissism on all of them. I've been with guys who were at least humble enough to look inward and recognize they have flaws just like everybody else. But last guy really annoyed me the way he calmly ended things with me as if to say "I don't want a relationship right now" on the peak of his 30th having the confidence to know when he does want one, he'll get one, while I'm here, almost 30 feeling like I'm running against time because I still want kids a family and all that. It honestly terrifies me to think there's a possibility of growing old and alone when one of my dreams is to build my own family and have that taken away from me when everyone else around me gets that. But YES, all of you are right. I did have immediate red flags from date one or two (except for housemate guy which only came into picture after two months together, before that he was an absolute angel of a man and I reckon that's what also made it so damn hard to move on). But I could've prevented it by ending it but I ALWAYS want to give people the benefit of the doubt and unfortunately the results are here. I usually leave these relationships feeling like an absolute fool. How did I allow them to do that to me for so long? But when I'm IN the relationship, I absolutely do not see that. I'm taking a break from dating and looking inwards for a bit as I can't afford to go through another situation like this.

The last one I almost dumped him on the fifth date because of the way he spoke to me when I asked what he wanted out of us, but he was all like "aw I'm sorry for upsetting you, I didn't mean it, I really want to get to know you more and hang out more" and I, obviously the hopeless romantic that I am, accepted his apology and decided to give it another shot only for the next week have him end it!

Yes, I am in therapy at the moment, have even decided to do more sessions during the month as I feel like I'm constantly going on a loop here. I don't even talk to friends anymore except for one or two who understand me, but the rest is just sort of like "aw be grateful it happened, don't be sad, be thankful for the lessons learned". Nah, I'm not grateful AT ALL. I can say this with confidence about all of my previous relationships. All it did was show me that no matter how loving, caring, understanding, supportive, bad ass friend and lover you are, the moment you voice your needs, it's over. The moment you show an ounce of personality and aren't a quiet submissive girl, it's done. What's there to be grateful for exactly? It's frustrating and I feel very alone feeling these feelings.

Go on multiple first dates, sometimes second dates, text endlessly and the person never makes an actual effort to plan anything with you in person but doesn't stop talking to you either, gets to third date, gets ghosted. But then there's these few rare times where it actually leads to something that lasts a bit more than a month. First relationship the guy had no respect for me, would literally scroll on Instagram while laying beside me looking at other girls and liking their pictures as if I wasn't even there and would tell me I have "insecurity issues". He was 28. Second one, guy had different thoughts and values then me, I tried to end it but he convinced me I got it all wrong and he wanted to keep trying. I gave in only for a month down the line have him abuse me and criticize everything that I say, eat, wear and do because I'm a "stupid vegan that dresses like a *** and has too much of liberal mentality and am not racist enough." Also, said women should earn less then men but would make me pay 50/50 on everything. This guy was 33yo. It was literal hell trying to get out as I had this fantasy in my head of what could've been and it was during covid lockdown which made everything more scary and lonely. Third guy, instant connection, amazing communication, lots of chemistry, even asked me to be his girlfriend but he was moving in with a girl housemate which was his friend and he had a previous crush on. Ended it after two months together basically saying I have to be ok with them hanging out alone on a Friday night and that I'm not welcome to be a part of it. No care for what I wanted and MY feelings and needs whatsoever. He was 29. Fourth guy I made a couple of posts about him, met on hinge, went on a date, second, third... super fun and nice, on the fourth I just asked him what he wanted out of this, he said he wanted a relationship but not sure if with me and he joked saying that I'm pushing it, to "just relax" and that I'd never meet him mom ("""As a joke""""), on the sixth date he cooked for me and I asked him to see him more often than just a few hours a week, he told me he couldn't but wanted to keep hanging, proceeded to have sex with me, sleep, have sex in the morning and make me breakfast and THEN end it. Cried, said I'm the first girl in years he takes out on multiple dates and all but told me he just doesn't have time for me and realized he doesn't want a relationship and proceeded to say after a few days that he's ok while I was still crying everyday and missing him. This man is 30. Life has showed me, multiple times, that when I put myself out there, it either leads to no second date, ghosting, no chemistry from both sides, when chemistry and connection happen, they end it with me over issues that could be talked through because they want sex and a companionship but not the commitment (just pay for a SW?). Like yeah, I've seen people get hurt a few times, maybe four or five and then find their person. But I have literally been on so many dates these past 3 years of being single, it can't be normal. Like surely there is someone who will want the same things I do and will like me the same intensity I like them or at least be willing to work on them? All of these have happened in a span of 6 to 6 months as it seems it's the time I take to properly heal and open myself to someone else. I'm 29yo by the way. All of these men were over the age of 28, you'd expect them to know that relationships take work and no, you won't find a "ready made" girl for you, you have to sift through discomfort and understand people are different. The last guy for example, we didn't even have any issues whatsoever, he simply dumped me when I asked for more time. I'm still very much heartbroken. People will be saying I have to be grateful for these lessons and moments. I am sure as hell not grateful for these four relationships, in fact if I could go back in time and NOT have lived them, I would. All it brought me was pain and waste of time. Am I supposed to settle with a guy I have "meh" feelings for just because he's nice and wants to be with me? I'm not really sure what to do anymore. I'm aware people have flaws and I am here for all of it. I'm not expecting a prince charming but I want to at least FEEL something for them. I want to feel the feelings not just settle for a nice guy just for the sake of it. Also, it's not like even these nice guys show up very often either or that I'm "going after emotionally unavailable men". It's more like, I meet a person, we click, we hang out and that's it. I'm not actively looking for people with red flags or anything. I don't have a menu of men at my display for me to choose from, I end up """choosing""" the ones I have chemistry and connection with and try to get to know me but end up discarding me after a month or so.

It feels nice reading these replies and reflecting on it. I struggle to trust my gut and believe in myself in order to make decisions that are good for me, especially when feelings are involved. I usually don't get feel this sort of connection like I did with him. We had a lot of good times together, a lot of laughs, endless conversations, he's treated me super nice when we were hanging out, making me breakfast, introducing me to his friends, participating in my life and interests, so it's always a fine line for me to see the other side which isn't so good. In my mind, I'm thinking, okay "this and this happened which is bad, but on the other side, we have so much fun together and we get along". The good side makes the bad very blurry to see because I always feel like everyone will have a bad side anyway and am scared of letting go because I know that "prince charming" doesn't exist. But speaking to other people, friends as well, has been an eye opener. I have no cried for him since yesterday (spent the whole of last week feeling depressed and low energy), so that's a positive. But I still think about him and am trying to understand how to not do this again. To trust my gut and end it when I think I deserve better, rather than letting the person end it for just asking them for more of their time. This has been one of the most hurtful endings I've had. I've never had anyone end it with me because time with me wasn't that worth it. It still hurts and I'm slowly trying to make sense out of it.

When he told me he wanted a relationship but not sure if he wanted with me as it was too early, I felt sort of ***ty. I had obviously already thought about us being serious only for him to say "I haven't even given that a thought". I honestly don't understand how you're talking to someone daily and seeing them weekly but don't "give a thought" about being in a relationship with that person if you're claiming being in a relationship is what you want. He never promised me anything really, and I can't say he lead me on or lied to me, but at the same time, it was super hurtful to know spending time with me, out of all things, was the least worth it. Any other thing in his life had more meaning than spending time with me. Never in my life I've had someone end things due to merely not wanting to give me more time. What could be more precious than wanting time with someone? I wasn't asking for gifts, dates, trips, meet his parents, his friends. I was literally just asking for time and that hurt like a mf. Also, English not being my first language, when we were talking I was crying and saying "I don't understand how you can just break up with me" to which he very rudely replied "stop saying break up, we never HAD anything". Like mate, I get it, I'm sorry if I speak two languages and you don't and not always will I use the correct terms, stick to what I'm trying to say. I find talking it through helps a lot though, I'm feeling slightly better than this whole week which was super ***ty and I felt very alone and sad.

Yeah he seemed pretty detached from it when he did it, said he had a lovely time but just doesn't have time for me lol. I'll never understand someone who'd rather not have you in their life AT ALL rather than making a slight change to yours so you can fit them in, hurts and goes to show how little I meant to him even though he cried, tears still mean nothing.

You're right! I guess I have this "dream" guy in my mind. He was very caring, always asking how my day was, looking after me when we were together... but when I asked him about what he wanted and he laughed and made a joke to his friends about it, I was really hurt. But he made it sound like I was being crazy for asking that on the fourth date in so I just sort of accepted it. I feel like he's the sort of guy that will never look inwards and try to better himself. Oh well...

To be honest I find some comfort in reading these replies. For the past week I have been torturing myself thinking I lost a good person and also I keep fantasizing about him being the perfect man to another girl and her getting what I wanted. I woke up feeling slightly better and a bit irritated that I didn't trust myself enough to walk away and end things with him which ended in him ending it. It is comforting to know that no matter what I did, it wouldn't change his mind. I'm so scared of not finding someone that I was willing to accept this, and it hurts to be rejected, to know that this guy would probably do so much for a person he truly liked yet I wasn't that person. At least he was man enough to end instead of leading me on, but I really don't get why he acted all surprised when asked about a relationship when he was talking to me every damn day, seeing me every weekend, like what do you expect to come out of this? And the fact that he said when I told him I wanted to see him more during that week that "pressured him and turned him off"? Like, surely you'd be at least happy the person wants to see you more not turned off. That made me so angry for real.

He showed some improvement after I spoke to him, he was talking to me more, making plans days before we met, made this really cute romantic dinner. He cooks well, plays the guitar, is a hard worker, is attractive, we’d have great laughs and chemistry, he’d always pay for most things and look after me, ask how my day is etc. I haven’t had that in a long time… years maybe. I understand the bad side but there was also so many good things I liked about him that I haven’t found in other guys that I’m just upset really. I know I shouldn’t be but I am 😞

We met through dating app, went out, first date was super fun, went on a second one was even better. We continued chatting everyday, went on a third, fourth... and then I asked him what he was looking for as I said I was looking for a relationship, not necessarily with him, but that's what I was dating for. He laughed, sort of made fun of me saying it was too soon to be asking that question and said he wanted a relationship but not sure if with me and then proceeded to make a few jokes like "you'll never meet my mom", which really upset me. He then said, just relax, let's see where this goes. (I posted a previous post about same guy) We continued chatting during the week, but I felt like that mom joke really hurt and felt like he wasn't taking me seriously and was considering ending things with him, so we met up for dinner and I voiced that to him and he apologised and said he wanted to continue hanging out with me. So I gave in and we continued hanging out, but I felt a bit off, but decided to just see how it went. We continued asking each other about our days, sharing stories etc. On the sixth date, he offered to make me dinner. He made a dish he's never made before as I don't eat meat only fish and I thought that was really cute. I thought "ok, this guy is putting effort, I think this could lead somewhere". As we were getting ready to sleep, we were cuddling and I told him I'd love to see him more during the week (we were only seeing each other once a week for a few hours), that I could even come over to his house and just have dinner, doesn't need to be going out on dates etc, and he just said "I don't have time" and kissed me, and then said I'm sorry I can't give you that, and I sort of started crying and told him I think it's clear we don't want the same things and he said "well I don't want to stop seeing you but I don't have time for you". We went to sleep. Next morning, he was cuddly, we had sex, kissed, spent a few hours in bed laughing and chatting. He got up and made me breakfast, and then, proceeded to say how he wants to end things because he can't give me what I want, because I deserve better. I told him I understand he has a busy schedule (working mon-sat and boxing during the night), but I was happy to wait until he had his boxing competition and I was happy to come over during the week as he wakes up really early for work and I start work a bit later. Anyway, point is, I gave him options and said I'd rather see him once a week than not see him at all. He said it'd be horrible seeing me during the week because we'd wake up tired and he likes sleeping alone and also "I'd get tired of him", which is a lie because the more I saw him, the more I wanted to hang out with him. He cried and I said I'm a beautiful person inside and out but I deserve better. He said he doesn't know what he wants anymore, he doesn't have time for a relationship. And that was it. I cried so much and felt horrible that we had just spent a lovely night having dinner, cuddling, morning sex etc for only him to be like "yep, I don't want this anymore". He said I'm the first girl in years that he's gone on multiple dates with, that he can't remember the last time he cooked for someone or felt this way so I'm like ok..... so why end it? This was the first time someone ended things with me because they're rather not spend time with me at all then trying to meet me halfway. We had similar goals in life, we got along, lots of laughs, chemistry.... I literally had no complaints except for the fact that I just wanted to hang out with him more. It just makes absolutely no sense to me. I've been single for almost 4 years, I've had 4 short term relationships in between, 2 of which were toxic and 2 I didn't really like the person/weren't compatible. But in between, all I've had were one or two dates with people, it's so exhausting, so I was really happy to finally have something somewhat consistent with a person I really enjoyed spending time with. I know it will take a while to meet someone again given my history of not having any luck finding people I vibe with AND want to hang out together, so I know how hard it is to find someone. I understand he's in his right to end things, but I'm really struggling to move on from this. It's been 6 days and I keep thinking he's gonna message me, change his mind, that we'll see each other again. I've been crying, feeling low energy and just overall sad. I'm also blaming myself, as I feel like if I had been the "chill girl" and given it more time, maybe we'd get in a relationship? I don't really talk to my friends about it because they'll say "stop being silly, it was only 6 weeks, be glad it happened", but I can't help my feelings are my feelings. He was really my type and I felt like the issues and turn offs I had with other men I didn’t have with him. I'd rather it never happened at all as this only made me feel how good it is to have someone only for it to be taken away from me. I usually am good at getting over people, but this one really stung me.

I think whenever there's a guy who I'm attracted that and treats me relatively nice, takes me out for dinner etc I'm already jumping on the relationship wagon. I have been single and craving intimacy (non sexual related) for so long that it's hard for me to turn away when someone shows a little bit of caring for me. I really struggle with that but I see now how this guy has showed from the start he was never taking me seriously. What puzzles me is, this guy told me he WAS looking for a relationship, but not sure with me. If he had already seen that, then why not move on? Why stay with someone you know you don't see anything long term? Surely he would have if we didn't have that talk which makes me even more confused as to if he really is looking for a relationship or what.

This is such a great way of looking at it! And as someone who is highly anxious, it helps a lot with handling the whole stressful guessing part. With this guy, on our third date he laughed saying of course we're still gonna see each other and that he really liked hanging out with me, so I felt a boost of confidence then thinking that meant we were gonna continue seeing each other. Turns out after I had that talk, he never made plans for a fifth date with me and I have honestly decided not to stick around. I think there should be a day or two for the person to just be on their own but if they're taking days to talk or make plans... well, then that's a no for sure. I will definitely try to implement this more on my dating experiences as I feel that whenever I like the guy, it's like a ticking bomb waiting to explode unless he asks me out again in a certain timeframe and it is so exhausting! Putting that weight of my shoulders and realising nothing I do or say will make them want to go out with me rather their effort will show through will make things a lot easier to handle.

Yeah I just had this good cry in the shower. Not because of this guy, but because I feel like I am always on fight or flight mode when dating. Especially if I like them. "Are they gonna text me?" "Are we gonna go on another date?". And the fact that I can never trust if the person is asking how my day was because they care or because they want to have sex with you. I can never know if they're being nice because they're nice or because they like me. I can never tell if the way they show interest in my life is because they want to get to know me or if it's because they're just making conversation. I can never fully BE and just let it flow naturally because I have to be continuously suspicious with what the guys intentions are. And then, when they spend everyday talking to you, planning dates etc like this guy, they act shocked when you start developing feelings for them. I could tell this guy already had some red flags and incompatibility especially in terms of communication, but at the same time, we hit it off and I had so much fun with him. Lots and lots of laughs, conversations never ended. I feel stupid because my phone received a message when I was in the shower and deep down I was wishing it was him. Obviously wasn't. I think I'm just gonna take a break from dating. It's quite taking a toll on me going out with guys who never seem to find me interesting enough to get to know me better. No matter how much healing and inner work I do, no matter how much I find myself good enough, there'll always be a guy I'm into who won't see any of that and I'm so damn exhausted of sticking around and trying to "prove it". I just don't go after them and it's a very lonely feeling. I just wish I was as lucky as those people who literally go on one or two dates and find their person. I'm here on my 329247th date and nothing. It's exhausting.

Getting to that conclusion and realising you still went on 3 more dates with the guy. Oh boy... I'm such an idiot sometimes haha

True! But to be fair, I think texting is a good way to get to know someone as in, their life routine etc. I also feel like if a guy doesn't text me consistently, they're not interested. However, I think I'm naive sometimes when it comes to dating, I think that if a guy is planning dates and talking to me all the time is because he wants something more lol I'm still not sure how to navigate dating. I feel like when I was younger it was much easier and I'd have deeper and more meaningful relationships than now with 29 and dating 30something guys. So weird

Yeah to be fair I have been single for more than 3 years now with short relationships here and there, but the past year specifically has been such a sh*tshow in regards to dating where I couldn't even get past the first or second date, or they'd be inconsistent, or ghost that when this guy was being consistent, texting me daily, setting up dates I was like "oh ok, this is cool". Plus we had chemistry and lots of laughs, like we really did get along so I didn't want him to stop pursuing me. We texted back and forth yesterday and sometimes I think he's "too nice" to end things and stopped replying when there was nothing else to say so we wouldn't end on bad terms, and although I am sad, I have been chatting to this person for an entire month, I've thought of how a confident woman would deal with this and surely she wouldn't be chasing the guy or given him the feeling that I'll always be there no matter what. I've decided to not text him anymore and move on. I'm glad I brought this topic early on as we'd probably go on a couple more dates only for me to get the same results. I'm feeling less anxious today as well which is good. If he does reach out, I'll let him know the things he said hurt my feelings and I'm not okay to continue if that's how he sees me, but I doubt he will... I just don't understand how some men have the energy to start over and over again with different women when they start setting boundaries, like... what's the fun in that? I'll never understand.