Can’t Get Her Off My Mind

[EitherDare0]

There’s a girl I’ve been seeing that I simply cannot get off my mind. 

She has not been out of a relationship for long, but I know there is something very special between us. Despite always being guarded I just knew in my heart she felt similar. Sure enough, 3 weeks ago she poured her heart out to me in a 3 page letter. 
 

But I KNOW she’s not ready. She’s only been single for 2 months from her 1 year (2 total as it’s an ex) relationship.

In the last 3 weeks I’ve seen her 4 times and it’s incredible. She seems so happy. However, she isn’t over him. I feel like the wise thing to do is take a step back. Slow it down. She agreed, but said she still wants me in her life. I voiced concern over not wanting to be used or a rebound. We’ve been intimate a few times but I put the brakes on that. I told her we need time and space as she needs to heal. 
 

I feel like it’s a tough balance bc I don’t want to be too close, get too attached and get burned if she goes back to her ex or something. I also don’t want to be so distant that she gets afraid of being alone and she goes back to her ex to avoid it (shouldn’t be my problem I know) 

I can’t stop thinking about her. I want to see her and talk to her everyday. But I can’t so I fight the urge. I don’t want to smother her. But the feeling I have when with her, I’ve never felt before. 

Her own sister told me she’s truly herself and happiest around me. That I bring out the best in her and would love for me to date her sister. 
 

Keeping an arms length sucks. I have never felt like this before. So strongly for someone that I just somehow know has the potential to be my soulmate. It freaking terrifies me. 
 

 

[Andrina]

Why did you begin things in the first place when you knew her situation? You had sex twice and now you want to put on the brakes?

You have two choices. Either tell her that you two will go no contact and in 10 months, you will contact her and see if she is single and wants to give dating you a chance.

Or, continue dating her, knowing she will gradually be moving away from her feelings from her ex, as long as she blocked him as a contact, and hopefully growing to care for you in the way all couples want.

You are already invested too much to get out of this like a robot without feelings. Sorry, but you always have to be vulnerable when it comes to love interests. But do realize the psychology of your self-talk. Instead of telling yourself that taking a chance on someone is terrifying, tell yourself that the person is worth a shot, if in fact she is, and if it all falls apart, you're resilient enough to handle anything. Most experience heartbreak, and most go through the normal stages: mourning, healing, moving on. Feel confident you will do the same, since the alternative is living in a safe bubble--safe but lonely.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, EitherDare0 said:

However, she isn’t over him.

How do you know this? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, EitherDare0 said:

 I told her we need time and space as she needs to heal. Keeping an arms length sucks. 

It seems to be going well. Try to be confident and relaxed. It's ok to slow it down if it's too much too soon, but you seem to be micromanaging the situation and her and her feelings out of your own anxiety. 

It's really not up to you to decide how long she needs to "heal". Please get a handle on the anxiety because doing this safety dance will push her away and your anxiety will create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You may actually push her right back to her ex because of hot cold behaviors and angst and coming across as guarded and controlling.

[smackie9]

Why not just follow her lead with how much you see each other, etc. 

[Kwothe28]

Please tell me its not the same woman

Also are you in the habit of chasing "unavailable women"? In a means they are not really available for a relationship. You need to kick that out if you want a relationship. Being a rebound while she is still fawning over ex isnt fun and doesnt lead to healthy relationship.

[EitherDare0]

8 hours ago, Andrina said:

Why did you begin things in the first place when you knew her situation? You had sex twice and now you want to put on the brakes?

You have two choices. Either tell her that you two will go no contact and in 10 months, you will contact her and see if she is single and wants to give dating you a chance.

Or, continue dating her, knowing she will gradually be moving away from her feelings from her ex, as long as she blocked him as a contact, and hopefully growing to care for you in the way all couples want.

You are already invested too much to get out of this like a robot without feelings. Sorry, but you always have to be vulnerable when it comes to love interests. But do realize the psychology of your self-talk. Instead of telling yourself that taking a chance on someone is terrifying, tell yourself that the person is worth a shot, if in fact she is, and if it all falls apart, you're resilient enough to handle anything. Most experience heartbreak, and most go through the normal stages: mourning, healing, moving on. Feel confident you will do the same, since the alternative is living in a safe bubble--safe but lonely.

Because I’m human and I liked her. I’m not going to run away entirely. I don’t want to go no-contact for 10months.  I’m just trying to navigating seeing her while also allowing her space and time to heal. 
 

As for why we were intimate. Because we like each-other. Are attracted to one another. I didn’t say it was the wisest decision 

[EitherDare0]

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

How do you know this? 

I could kind of sense it. The other day she was about to bail on hanging out bc she said she was feeling a little sad. I guess he broke their agreed no contact and tried to guilt trip her. Which according to her she stood her ground but it understandably dug in there a little. She SHOULD block him for awhile but it’s not my place to tell her what she has to do. 

[EitherDare0]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems to be going well. Try to be confident and relaxed. It's ok to slow it down if it's too much too soon, but you seem to be micromanaging the situation and her and her feelings out of your own anxiety. 

It's really not up to you to decide how long she needs to "heal". Please get a handle on the anxiety because doing this safety dance will push her away and your anxiety will create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You may actually push her right back to her ex because of hot cold behaviors and angst and coming across as guarded and controlling.

I appreciate it. I agree. It’s more the past hurt me speaking out. Scared to get hurt again. I’ve had some traumatic issues with some women the last few years (of which I am partly to blame). I’ve been alone, single, solely working on myself. So it’s a bit scary to feel these feelings of vulnerability again. 
 

I think I’ve done a good job not being over-anxious. We’ve communicated and had good talks. I told her I want to still see her but we should slow it down some. That I am very much to blame for why it’s been alot so fast. But that I see the potential in us and I don’t want to rush things. She was very receptive to it and agreed. I think it made her feel better too not feeling like she was on some quick countdown clock. 

[EitherDare0]

6 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Why not just follow her lead with how much you see each other, etc. 

I do to an extent. But I’m a little on guard about being used. I’ve been used pretty good by someone else not all that long ago. They’d want me around when I’d be distant and then as soon as I was back in they’d turn cold. Hurt me a lot. So I am always a little cautious now of being someone’s shoulder to cry on for them to move to someone else or go back to an ex. 

[EitherDare0]

5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Please tell me its not the same woman

Also are you in the habit of chasing "unavailable women"? In a means they are not really available for a relationship. You need to kick that out if you want a relationship. Being a rebound while she is still fawning over ex isnt fun and doesnt lead to healthy relationship.

Thankfully not same girl lol. 
 

Apparently I must be. I don’t mean to be. It seems all I can find is women who aren’t. I feel like I’ve tried pretty much any way to meet a partner and it always seems to be an issue. 
 

at times I feel like emotionally available women flock to me. I just feel I’m different than a lot of people nowadays. I do the things women say they’d want. Self reflection, I used to be too available and likely needy. If really dialed in on that part of myself and done much better. But I say the things. I do the acts of kindness not expecting anything in return. I try to life up and support. I don’t try and play games. I text back or call back when I’m free… I don’t sit on it for some game. I plan and do active things. Adventures. I’ve tried to live and I have become authentically what a lot of women say they want. But I think that’s gotten me used in the past 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

. Which according to her she stood her ground but it understandably dug in there a little. She SHOULD block him for awhile but it’s not my place to tell her what she has to do. 

She's still talking to this man? That's a red flag, but as you mentioned all you can do is observe. Don't get caught in anyone's on/off games with their ex. Yes, you can't tell her what to do but you can tell her you're not comfortable dating someone who's still involved with their ex. 

[Andrina]

15 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

I could kind of sense it. The other day she was about to bail on hanging out bc she said she was feeling a little sad. I guess he broke their agreed no contact and tried to guilt trip her. Which according to her she stood her ground but it understandably dug in there a little. She SHOULD block him for awhile but it’s not my place to tell her what she has to do. 

With that info, in your shoes, I'd tell her: When you're done mourning and get to the healing part, I'd love for you to reach out to me as long as you've blocked him. If we're both free and single to date, we can give it a go. Otherwise, it's best we go no contact until you're fully ready to date.

She could have blocked him the second they broke up, but she kept that line to him open. She allowed a conversation because she chose to be connected to him in that way. Yeah, you don't tell other people how to run their lives, especially when you're not exclusive, but you can walk away when their boundaries don't mesh with yours.

You're giving her credit for "standing her ground" because you're so enamored in his newness stage. I don't see any redeeming qualities about letting one millisecond of a conversation take place at all. As I said in another post, going slow is BS. If a person's not ready to date at a normal pace, then it's not the right person to date. 

And now she sees she can have her cake and eat it too, getting attention from two men with no bad consequences. One can't open the door to new possibilities when one has their foot fully wedged in the back door. Good luck with that! You'll need it.

[Kwothe28]

34 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

Apparently I must be. I don’t mean to be. It seems all I can find is women who aren’t. I feel like I’ve tried pretty much any way to meet a partner and it always seems to be an issue. 

Yeah but then the problem is still on you. For example you can choose to detach from this one and seek somebody who is emotionally available. But you seem to be attracted to her since she is emotionally unavailable. Opting to believe how if you stood by her how she would eventually chose you over some other guy. Meaning that you still, at least on some level, have a problem with being too available. They seek you to build them up after break up because you probably offer them emotional comfort, but not to be with you.

But you still choose not to detach even after couple of examples that go the same way. Dating is also learning from an experience sometimes. Your experience tells you that this wont end well because it already happened in more of a same way. But you are still willing to go head through the wall for somebody who is still attached for some questionable ex. When you grow enough you would be able to brush off situations like this and escape them. And also seek somebody who is emotinally available and attracted to you in a same way you are to them. Until then I am afraid you have much more to learn about yourself and to grow.

[shouldhavelearned]

Space and patience

Have to let her lead for a bit

[catfeeder]

Who initiated the breakup with her ex, her or him? Any idea why?

[EitherDare0]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

She's still talking to this man? That's a red flag, but as you mentioned all you can do is observe. Don't get caught in anyone's on/off games with their ex. Yes, you can't tell her what to do but you can tell her you're not comfortable dating someone who's still involved with their ex. 

She broke up with him. It was sort of long coming and he knew it. She agreed not to block him but told him he can’t be contacting her unless it’s super important. I guess after a few weeks he didn’t honor that and did message her to stir her up. She told me she didn’t answer and since blocked him, but it stirred up some emotions. 

 

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Who initiated the breakup with her ex, her or him? Any idea why?

She did. It’s been long coming. They’ve been growing apart for awhile. They were just trying to cling on and hope it would get better but it isn’t. She knows she needs better. So she finally pulled the plug. He knew it was coming. 

[smackie9]

17 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

I do to an extent. But I’m a little on guard about being used. I’ve been used pretty good by someone else not all that long ago. They’d want me around when I’d be distant and then as soon as I was back in they’d turn cold. Hurt me a lot. So I am always a little cautious now of being someone’s shoulder to cry on for them to move to someone else or go back to an ex. 

All I can add now is, if you are so guarded as to being "used" etc...stop putting yourself in this position of dating people that are fresh out of a relationship. 

[SooSad33]

I feel you need to work on your own self for a while as well.  Admitting you were used & hurt before & not too long ago.

And here, you're at it again 😕 .. But why?  Because these women are your weakness?

Think on all of this.

I learned over time, whom NOT to get involved with.  And this is people I avoid!  I have an ex who tried coming back my way again, only to realize he was still dealing with his other ex - totally messed me up!  This is where I learned this lesson...

My ex's, I am not friends with, it's all or nothing.  And it's NOT doing you any good just hanging on the side watching & waiting, as you know, for someone who's not at the same level you are.  You're maybe more 'ready' to be involved than she is.

If anything, just STOP all interactions with this woman.  No to friendship, nothing!  You know she is still dealing with her ex, and you've been down this road before.

Just stop putting yourself thru such tortures. Like I said, it may be best to back off totally and focus on your own self for a while more.  And date someone in the future who's been on their own a good while and hopefully a little more 'stable'. .... Or you an guarantee to be hurt again and again 😕 .