What is going on with my relationship?

[Ringop]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

She might have quite unrealistic expectations of the progression of a long-term relationship. 

Someone with experience would recognize that the infatuation simmers down after the initial stages, but that it (ideally) grows into something more profound and connected. Some people spend their lives chasing those new-relationship thrills though, and grow restless easily. They tend not to make great candidates for long-term partnerships. 

That may be the case, if she's complaining that the infatuation is missing. Up until a few months ago when you noticed a shift in her, were you two still enjoying each other? Going on dates? 

The thing is, she has her problems:

- She does not have friends. She has a few acquaintances that I know of and they are from other town. From time to time she is showing me a picture of some people she "calls friends" but they don't talk, no one is contacting her. I remember during Christmas, she burst into tears because those acquaintances cancelled some plans they had with us.

I am the opposite, I have a few and tried to introduce her also, even if am a fan of the "worlds colliding theory"

- She experimented in her youth, but her past is her past, just that she didn't stay put, but I have no idea if she is an "infatuation junkie".

Enjoy each other, I would say we enjoyed each other even before the trip. But when her mind goes racing I can't do anything.

EX: In the day we left, you couldn't talk with her because she was stressed, like really, really stressed because: the train had a small delay, she bought a tram ticket with a different price than the weekend, was a long way to the terminal, then a long way with check in and boarding. She was a complete mess of stress and I had no idea what to do.

Our short discussion today was her telling me she barely slept because of ... stress.

I know these things, so that is why I am so confused because I don't know what is happening.

- 

[MissCanuck]

11 minutes ago, Ringop said:

She does not have friends.

Why is this? 

 

[smackie9]

She suffers from clinical depression. People who are severely depressed suffer from mental pain and physical pain. They blame their misery/pain on those who they are closest to, and want to push them out of their life to find relief. That's what is happening here. She's shutting down to try and escape her depression. She needs to see her doctor to get her medication adjusted/changed, and have more regular therapy sessions. You can bring it out in the open in a compassionate way at first, but you shouldn't have to tolerate how she's treating you. Sometimes your only solution is to walk away if nothing changes. 

[Kwothe28]

39 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Someone with experience would recognize that the infatuation simmers down after the initial stages, but that it (ideally) grows into something more profound and connected. Some people spend their lives chasing those new-relationship thrills though, and grow restless easily. They tend not to make great candidates for long-term partnerships. 

 

This. 

Some people think that the relationship is just first 6 months when passion is at max. And they equate that with "love". So afterward they just chase that feeling and dont think relationship is "it" if its not there. Sorry if that is the case OP.

[Ringop]

@MissCanuck

I don't know. I've never told her those people are not her friends, never wanted to hurt her by saying that. She has a picture with her friends in her home. The only time they talk is when they are wishing each other happy-bday.

smackie9

I am not familiar with the signs of that, but sounds spot on. At the moment she is going 3 weeks with no therapy and will be until the middle of Sept because her therapist is on vacation. Since we've been together, I don't think her therapist helped her, even if they do it every week. But is not my place to say, or better said, I have no idea how to tell her that because I might be wrong and maybe my gf is not respecting what her therapist is telling her.

[Ringop]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

This. 

Some people think that the relationship is just first 6 months when passion is at max. And they equate that with "love". So afterward they just chase that feeling and dont think relationship is "it" if its not there. Sorry if that is the case OP.

I don't know if it is the case. 

Because, as mentioned, she said that to me she is missing that.

Then a few days ago asked me if I am missing that if I think the relationship is just that?

And I was like, what? No, didn't you think of that a few months ago?

[MissCanuck]

15 minutes ago, Ringop said:

I don't know. I've never told her those people are not her friends, never wanted to hurt her by saying that. She has a picture with her friends in her home. The only time they talk is when they are wishing each other happy-bday.

You can't make any guesses as to why she is so socially isolated? I don't mean in reference to these specific acquaintances, but in general. Is she hard to get along with? Very shy? Do you know if she takes initiative in meeting new people or maintaining friendships?

I'm just trying to understand the bigger picture, and the deeper issues that underlie your relationship with her. 

[Ringop]

8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You can't make any guesses as to why she is so socially isolated? I don't mean in reference to these specific acquaintances, but in general. Is she hard to get along with? Very shy? Do you know if she takes initiative in meeting new people or maintaining friendships?

I'm just trying to understand the bigger picture, and the deeper issues that underlie your relationship with her. 

My guess is that she doesn't take initiatives and did not maintain them.

She told me she was in different groups.

Also my guess is she was the type of girl that wanted to belong, to be relevant and she searched groups full of shady people, of people that weren't "her friends". And when years passed, those people went on their way. Most of her "friends" from that age were clubbers. Then, when she moved, her ex friends were her "friends".

A few months ago had dinner with my friends, all of them came with their gf except me. I came alone because it was super hot outside and she didn't want to come. It was an isolated incident, to be fair, but I guess this was her all the time. 

[Batya33]

What initially attracted you to her? And kept you attracted?

[Ringop]

@Batya33 

Well, I think it was physical. We've met back in 2013 via a friend, then in 2021 we've seen each other again and started chatting and flirting. She was hot and cold, but we decided to do something out of the box and take a trip together via the country with the car and we really bonded, I saw she is a good human being, she is faithful, tries to make the world a better place with small things and of course, we have a lot of things in common. From music, to movies etc.

She took me home to her parents after that trip.

I think she brought out something in me: the idea to be kind and caring with someone else.

[Ringop]

An update: went on a three hour walk to decompress and when I arrived home she video called me.
She acted okish, talked about our day and I've asked her what is wrong, she looks sad and her reply was "I don't know, life in general". Asked if she is upset on me and she put on a face "why should I be?!" then went on and found a post-it I gaved her and showed it to me happily.
Tried to found out what happened and she said she doesn't feel like talking about it and I've dropped it.

So, what is happening?!

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Ringop said:

An update: went on a three hour walk to decompress and when I arrived home she video called me.
She acted okish, talked about our day and I've asked her what is wrong, she looks sad and her reply was "I don't know, life in general". Asked if she is upset on me and she put on a face "why should I be?!" then went on and found a post-it I gaved her and showed it to me happily.
Tried to found out what happened and she said she doesn't feel like talking about it and I've dropped it.

So, what is happening?!

What's going on is she is behaving erratically, and I'd be wary about this type of behavior and reaction recurring.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Ringop said:

 I've asked her what is wrong, she looks sad and her reply was "I don't know, life in general"..
Tried to found out what happened and she said she doesn't feel like talking about it and I've dropped it.

It seems she doesn't want to confide in you or is thinking about ways to end it without drama. In any case the solution to not wanting to talk is not more talking and asking. You'll have to be more observant.

[shouldhavelearned]

Best thing is to talk to her

 

We won't have the answer 

[Ringop]

We chatted a bit last night and I've sent her a video with something on Instagram and saw she didn't react on it (she does it every time) and I asked her hey did you see that video? And her reply was: I saw it. Then radio silence. Then "Thank you". It feels odd, you know? She never reacts like this.

Then this morning, nothing. No good morning message, nothing so far. And I don't want to do it, I don't want to be the one that initiates this.

I really want to tell her today that this attitude is hurting me.

[Loka56]

You should have a chat with her. If she still refuses to talk, then back off. Maybe she will reach out to you, maybe not. 

[Ringop]

Any advices how to be tonight?

I know how to talk, I just feel that now I am really anxious and do not have a clear mind and will come out guns blazing.

[Loka56]

I can relate, and understand. The best I know is decluttering your mind. 

If she is depressed about something, and you are also down, the air won't be that much cool to have a good conversation. 

I guess you understand her enough to give some space and be patient. That's just it. It will help if you ask her about her behavior and she responds. 

Anyways, you have to speak up about how you are feeling. Just stay grounded, polite, and understanding. 

There was a time in my relationship when I was depressed because of family, and I stopped initiating/responding to the routine things we had, i.e., good morning/ good night. 

I just didn't remember doing that. He took it for a while, and then he blacked out completely. That's when I asked him "I am going through hell, but why you are the one who is not talking to me" and then he started talking and I had no clue of the effects my behavior will have on him. 

 

[MissCanuck]

49 minutes ago, Ringop said:

I know how to talk, I just feel that now I am really anxious and do not have a clear mind and will come out guns blazing.

I would you invite her to share what's on her mind, since you have noticed a dramatic shift in her interactions with you and it's starting to hurt. It's okay to be honest about how this affecting you, but keep the focus on finding out what is going through her mind. 

She can't simply continue to blame-shift by saying you're pressuring her. If she does, tell her that you don't want to pressure the situation, but it is only fair that you as her boyfriend know what she is feeling about the relationship. 

If she still clams up and gets defensive, then it will be up to you to decide if you want to continue dating her when you're not getting much in return anymore. 

[Ringop]

@MissCanuck 

Thank you. I will try and do that.

At the moment, I am fuming on her not saying even a good morning text. And as much as I want to save this, I know what that means.

[MissCanuck]

I'm sorry you're hurting, and can understand your frustration. 

I hope you get some clarity when you talk to her later, in whichever form it takes. 

[Ringop]

I send her a morning text: Good morning *her name and she replied: morning babe.

I had to. I don't know if it makes me look desperate, but I am trying to be normal, not be childish and ignore each other.

[MissCanuck]

26 minutes ago, Ringop said:

I don't know if it makes me look desperate,

Again, you're her boyfriend of 2 years. 

You should be way past the point of worrying if you look desperate to her. The fact that you're even wondering this is not a good sign. 

[Ringop]

@MissCanuck

I am wondering because I think I was always afraid in my life to be desperate or clingy, things I am not and if I reach out, again, I am worried it might be interpreted that way instead of actually me trying to reach out.

[MissCanuck]

Have you ever felt secure in this relationship?

Or have you always been worried that she will think you are clingy, needy, or desperate?