Ringop

How do you think I am doing that, Wiseman? How did I sabotage it?

I've loved my ex for the first sight. With this one I was thinking on the long run If I could love her. My therapist is digging into my childhood trying to understand why am I hanging to these type of people instead of healthy ones. And the funny part is I've told her, I've been searching for something like my parents did. So hence the desperation & bad choices.

I think I need to listen to my instincts more. After the second date, my instinct told me to make a step back and not ask her out again. I liked her, but I wasn't in love, plus she doesn't want kids and mentioned she was good alone. But then when I ignored her I started to miss her, miss the interaction and the flow. So here I am.

That is something I need to learn and work with. I did it for the first three, when I've let my guard down, well this happens. Because it never crashed and burned this way. But I think you understand my shock, right? I think yeah, I've had expectations how the night will go based on everything that happened.

Yes, but four crescendo dates, that didn't show cracks and were leading to something. Hence the shock.

I have also, Batya, I've dated before 2015, but I've done and also done on me, but If I never wanted to be in a place or doing somewhere, I think I will say it and mostly, act cold, make a step back. But saying one day earlier can't wait to come, handle the dessert and bringing a special bottle, I swear it does my head in because it does not make any sense, none. Now it's no contact and I wanted to write her a message near the end of the week, if it stays like this, to clear the air, but I have a feeling I would come out as desperate, no matter what I say, right?

Can't argue with that MissCanuck. I didn't want to date, not at all, I swear. I just started taking with her and things went from there. Can I explain why I feel my brain left my body? After the second date I wanted to make a step back after she asked me to come to bar and I've said no just to avoid complicating things. But soon realized I like a lot what is happening and how we are bonding and I miss when we are not talking. She was all over me, we talked and there was clearly a connection between the two of us. It felt right and everything felt right so when she started saying that: You let me think and that is not good, I felt overwhelmed that I was so stupid to let me guard down and experience this. Because let's be honest, realy, who does that? Who comes to your house brings dessert and a bottle of wine she received for her b-day? I mean, would anyone do that? Would anyone here from this thread would? So that's why I erupted, but thank the stars for therapy. I had earlier the session and she knew how to help me find the balance that I've suddently lost.

What I understood she meant, and again, this is me speculating, is that I didn't kiss her earlier on the other dates and she had time to reflect and realize she is better single and maybe thought I was hesitating? The opposite of over eager, at first glance.

But it's a warning sign for me, to be honest, being fresh on the market and this happens, it's quite, quite odd. And frightning. Someone tells you she can't wait to come to your place, in the same day, then this happens. I swear my brain was leaving my body.

In the same day, why not cancel?

Haha, I think I spoke too soon. I invited her over for the fourth date to my place, cooked for her and made her a spongebob cake also. Just to make it clear we've been talking non stop and dating, flirting. Thursday: Me: My other flat is almost done, want to go next week, would you want to see the first person to see it? Her: I would love too and maybe we can cook and test the overn. Friday: Me: Listen, I am super glad you are coming tomorrow, can't wait. Her: Haha, me too. Yesterday: Went in for the kiss and she stopped me and told me because I didn't move faster she started thinking and I shouldn't let her do that and she still loves her solitude, being alone. I, a rational human being, tried to understand what?!. I felt my brain was about to explode because there was not even a sign there. And I never said the word relationship. Told her I can't be friends, like in Seinfeld, I have enough friends. She stayed from 19:00 until 2:00. Of course we exchanged of messages and tested the waters and told her if she want to meet later on today and she refused, then started to ignore me. So, I have to ask, is everyone in the dating world went insane? 😄

An update here. It going to be two months soon and things are much, much, much better than I expected. Therapy helped a lot, and I am just at the begining of it, but became my safe space and helped me ask the questions I needed to ask myself about my relationship. It's still a journey, but I think of her less and less. The way she shut me out helped me a lot moving forward, even if it hurt. Also, life is weird, but the woman I've went out is here and we are going out and she is quite something. Takes interest in me, my needs, the small things. There is no label on us at the moment, just two people and we are really bonding. Is funny because you have no idea how things are. For those who are reading, there is life after heartbreak, even if you do not see it.

Went on my first date on Friday and had to say I had a blast. Nothing happened, we were just to people connecting and it felt good because I had a boost of confidence about my self esteem and that people are atracted to me. It felt really good. Therapy is helping a lot also because I am facing my demons, what I've felt during the past half of year. I am not ready for a relationship at the moment, but enjoyed this woman I've went out a lot.

I don't think she will ever tell me that, even if by some miracle we would tak again. But I get what you are saying. And sorry If I seem to deflect questions. There are a lot of emotions going on.

I wish I couldn't explain, but I can't because I don't know how. Because I don't post my life on social media. Most likely in a few months this will sound stupid and I will not care if she is there or not. And like I've mentioned, I've never blocked an ex because for me, it was like I was hiding behind a block instead of fighting to get over that person. Which I am trying and will do it, eventually. I don't want to block her because for me she ment something, I know it might not sound logically, but It's something I feel. There are a few women I've love with all my heart and I still follow them and I am happy they are well. We are not talking at all, except happy b-days, but I am happy for them and I am glad I did not block them.