What is going on with my relationship?

[Ringop]

Hi everyone,

I feel my relationship is ending and I don't understand why.

Just came back from a holiday with my SO where things were not as great as I/we've hoped: the main reason, I felt that we lacked the intimacy a couple has. From sex, to just staying in bed and hugging each other.

I am not a needy person, however, I felt that in the past 6-7 months, things went slowly in that direction. There are two main reasons here: 1. My SO's work was really stressing her and consumed her and she is the type of person that brings the work problems at work 2. She gained a bit of weight (6kg). She is thin, and from this she started to feel unattractive and the mood for everything else went down. She didn't get fat, just the few small pounds "people in relationships have".

I love her, but she has her history. She is doing therapy, she was about to end her own life a long ago so I understood what I was doing when we started this (going on 2 years now). But I am worried this is something I can't solve and the more it goes on, the more frustrated I get because of the situation. Also, I am a talker, she is not. It's hard to verbally communicate with her.

PS: There is no one else involved PPS: I don't think she felt out of love with me

PPS: We are going on two years, living together, but having also our own apartments. I am 36 si will be 36 in Nov.

I love her, I want this to work, but I don't know what to do. The last two days we are not together and she is ignoring me and all of her replies are two word sentences. I don't want to be clingly and needy, but I feel like crap, can't work, can't eat, I feel I a want to cry.

Please help.

[MissCanuck]

What's stopping you from asking her what's up?

[Ringop]

14 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What's stopping you from asking her what's up?

Because her replies were two-word sentences and I think I can't get an answer from her until tomorrow when we are going to meet.

Also, I feel if I am asking that now I will come out insecure and clingy.

I am afraid she is distancing herself from the relationship and I don't understand why.

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, Ringop said:

I think I can't get an answer from her until tomorrow when we are going to meet.

Well yes. This is a conversation that should happen in person. Not by messaging. 

2 minutes ago, Ringop said:

I feel if I am asking that now I will come out insecure and clingy

How? You're her boyfriend of two years and you've noticed a significant shift in her behaviour. It's a normal question, and it's concerning that you would perceive this as "insecure." 

Have you always been this nervous about expressing yourself with her? 

[Ringop]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

Well yes. This is a conversation that should happen in person. Not by messaging. 

How? You're her boyfriend of two years and you've noticed a significant shift in her behaviour. It's a normal question, and it's concerning that you would perceive this as "insecure." 

Have you always been this nervous about expressing yourself with her? 

No, I've always been open.

The thing is, her vibe is not good since we came back and since the last few days there our communication was bad. I feel like she is slowly ghosting me? But I don't understand why.

I am worried she said that me telling about my needs, multiple times, adds pressure to her. I didn't understand why she used this word, "pressure". I don't understand how staying in bed cuddling more than 10 seconds is "pressure".

 

[MissCanuck]

All you can do is ask (when you meet) how she is feeling about the relationship.

And trust that she will be honest with you, even if it hurts to hear it. 

 

[Ringop]

I think I have no problem with her wanting to end it or a break. But I can't understand the ways she acts.

It does my head in. I can't work, I can't eat, I feel sick.

[MissCanuck]

5 minutes ago, Ringop said:

But I can't understand the ways she acts.

We won't be able to explain that, either. 

At some point, you have to decide if this is the relationship you really want. 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Ringop said:

 she said that me telling about my needs, multiple times, adds pressure to her. 

What type of "needs" were you telling her about? 

[Batya33]

Did she bring work on vacation and if so was she anxious about wanting to get some work done before sightseeing etc? Last night I was beyond exhausted and stressed (son just started a new school and he's a teenager.....) and just as I was finally going to get about 10 minutes before bed to unwind with a book that's when my husband wanted my input on something. 

I love giving him exactly this sort of input and this was just an awful time to ask and I was frustrated because I'd told him in advance I had to get to bed earlier (which he likely forgot as he is so stressed too lol).  He did tell me -I told him - ok let's talk -and it ended up not taking long.  But my reaction was quite different because of circumstances. 

You can't be a mind reader but maybe she's reacting because of the timing and feels like you should know that she's stressed, not feeling attractive so pressuring her to cuddle at that moment when she might want to go for a run and burn off energy or do whatever else - feels like pressure.  It's a balance - you "telling her" "your needs" over and over maybe should be "look I'm not a mind reader -what would you like to do right now and if what you want is to get out of bed and have some me time -totally fine.

And - a thousand times no - putting on weight is NOT part of being in a relationship - that kind of "complacency" reflected in letting oneself go -happens -but is not a positive thing and her dismissing it as such is doing herself a disservice too especially if she continues to put on weight such that it becomes a health problem.

[Ringop]

@Wiseman2

Sexual needs, but let's say I am flexible with that. My need is just to stay in bed/couch with her and just chill, kiss or even hug for more than a minute. She can't stay put because she is saying her mind races in different directions (this was from the start).

@Batya33

No, no work on vacation. She just got promoted and worked her ass off (during which she had my full support and thanked me for it), but a new big project is on the horizon and she is stressed about that.

I understand that, but I also understand that there is work and then there is us. 

What I want is to chill more, be just us, be intimate, but not just having sex. Things I feel are lacking, but what worries me is her attitude.

 

What we argued in the holiday:

- in the car she was stressed at first because we were in a foreign country and I was trying to help, but without being annoying. And she said: ok enough! - because she has some acquaintances, a couple, where he makes her feel like trash while driving. I said to her multiple times this is not the case and it will never be so please do not compare with me.

- Arrived at an accommodation and she went without even asking me if I need help with the multiple luggage and I got annoyed and told her that.

- Lived on a boat and told her I've never had sex on a boat and she ignored me and there it came the "needs discussion"

- And I started to talk about the new place for us and I felt she shruged me off, telling that not finding the new right place means pressure for her.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Ringop said:

 told her I've never had sex on a boat and she ignored me and there it came the "needs discussion"

It also seems like she may be dealing with a bit of depression again but the main issue seems to be a power struggle and particularly you want more adventurous sex. 

Sadly the vacation sounds like a nightmare for both of you so perhaps her stepping back and reflecting would be a good idea for you too since you seem quite incompatible.

[Kwothe28]

Dont message her until tomorrow when you talk. Then talk to her about things. 

Also have you thought that maybe you just get that cuddling and adventurous sex because its not who she is? If she is like that from the start then its pointless to pressure about that. 

[Ringop]

Just now, Kwothe28 said:

Dont message her until tomorrow when you talk. Then talk to her about things. 

Also have you thought that maybe you just get that cuddling and adventurous sex because its not who she is? If she is like that from the start then its pointless to pressure about that. 

I did the stupid thing and texted her if she wants to meet tonight because work is ok for me and I can. She said: Tomorrow, please.

I replied ok and now I am going to ignore her if she is not saying anything. 

Our sex life was good, wonderful, until the project started back in march. Her libido went down, even with her playing with herself.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Ringop said:

 texted her if she wants to meet tonight because work is ok for me 

Yes, wait until she is available. 

[Andrina]

I, too, was once in a one year relationship where I cared for the man, and saw our incompatibility as far as sex and communication, yet kept clinging. He broke up with me and not until months later, with time and distance, did I realize he did me a favor. This freed me to, 9 months later, meet a man who I was 100 percent happier with.

Better to date someone you don't want to change in major ways, versus hoping for major changes in order for you to be happy.

[Ringop]

10 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I, too, was once in a one year relationship where I cared for the man, and saw our incompatibility as far as sex and communication, yet kept clinging. He broke up with me and not until months later, with time and distance, did I realize he did me a favor. This freed me to, 9 months later, meet a man who I was 100 percent happier with.

Better to date someone you don't want to change in major ways, versus hoping for major changes in order for you to be happy.

The thing is we had sex compatibility, then it stopped when her work became a burden.

And I can go past sex, but what I need is to stay, after a long day, just chill a few minutes together without her mind racing all over and going insane.

[Andrina]

Yes, well, with longterm things like work conditions that won't be going away, a person who truly cares will care that their partner has reasonable needs and will make efforts despite the situation.

She doesn't seem to care that you're unsatisfied. What does she want you do, throw up your hands and say, "Oh well, it was good while it lasted. Now I have to live with this new norm."

If I had a job where my mind couldn't relax on my days off and I was too stressed and exhausted to be intimate with my husband, then I would definitely reconsider my career choices.

This is clearly a case where either she doesn't care enough, whether it be she's outgrown the relationship or her depression prevents her from a normal connection with you. And a case where you being a doormat, and groveling for something she can't or won't give you, will not get you what you want. There's a reason the saying exists: You can't get blood from a stone.

And despite the past sexual compatibility, you like to talk and she doesn't. I know how unenjoyable that can be. Your love for her is clouding you to the face that she is not the ideal partner for you.

[Ringop]

2 minutes ago, Andrina said:

She doesn't seem to care that you're unsatisfied. What does she want you do, throw up your hands and say, "Oh well, it was good while it lasted. Now I have to live with this new norm."

 

I just remember something:

She asked me while I was talking about my needs: are you looking/searching for the first part of the relationship? The infatuation? 

I was ***? And I remember she mentioned she is missing the infatuation a few months back and I”ve told her that this is normal, but things are good.

 

[MissCanuck]

8 minutes ago, Ringop said:

And I remember she mentioned she is missing the infatuation a few months back and I”ve told her that this is normal, but things are good.

This stands out to me a bit.

What's her relationship history like? Has she been in longer-term ones before? 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Ringop said:

. She is doing therapy, she was about to end her own life a long ago 

It seems like she's going through something and may not be up for more conflicts or pressure in her life. 

[Ringop]

10 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This stands out to me a bit.

What's her relationship history like? Has she been in longer-term ones before? 

Sort of.

She had short spells from what she told me, then went to another country to be with this guy and of course she ended up spending all of her money, couldn't find a job, and eventually she came back home, lived at her parent's home then she started working here and while the money came, she became unhappy.

When we hooked up, she broke up with her ex, a dude younger with 10 years than her, after, you guessed it, a holiday trip. They've been together 6 months or close to that.

[MissCanuck]

So, in other words, yours is the longest relationship she's been in? 

[Ringop]

I think so, yes.

[MissCanuck]

She might have quite unrealistic expectations of the progression of a long-term relationship. 

Someone with experience would recognize that the infatuation simmers down after the initial stages, but that it (ideally) grows into something more profound and connected. Some people spend their lives chasing those new-relationship thrills though, and grow restless easily. They tend not to make great candidates for long-term partnerships. 

That may be the case, if she's complaining that the infatuation is missing. Up until a few months ago when you noticed a shift in her, were you two still enjoying each other? Going on dates?