What is going on with my relationship?

[smackie9]

I tell you this, she wont be able to cope having kids. My mom is a sufferer of depression and as kids we ran practically feral. Me especially being the youngest. This was my experience: I was neglected because she was so wrapped up in her illness. By the time I was 12 I was cooking the dinners/cleaning afterwards, cleaning the house twice a week, doing the yard work, and doing my own laundry. I was adopted than god because depression runs rampant in her family. Just think...the possibility of her illness being passed onto your kids is pretty high. Just a warning this will never be an easy road for you. This arrangement you have is only a band-aid solution. There's going to be more and more until a band-aid won't stop the bleeding.

[Ringop]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds like a good plan. Did she rent out her other place so this is her primary residence at this time? Do you pay rent at the shared place as well as whatever upkeep costs at your own place?

Did she rent out her other place in anticipation of living together? Perhaps straightening out the three places would be a better place to start than talking about getting yet another bigger place? It's unclear why you two have this awkward complicated arrangement. 

 

She seems too stressed to entertain this at this point. Perhaps she's waiting for her tenants lease to expire so she can move back to her own place and not have things be this complicated? 

She rented her home 6 years ago when she moved abroad to live with her ex. She has the same tenant since.

When she came back, she lived in a studio, then after 1 year we moved in together in a new place we found together.

[Ringop]

@smackie9

The thing is, she is 36 and had a uterus operation almost 15 years ago. So, sadly, might be a chance not to be able to get pregnant.

If I leave now, there will always be the ”what if”. Stepping slowly back, I think it's something that will help me. 

[Loka56]

Hey, I want to say one thing, I have had my fair share of suffering and depression. Though every day is hard when you are depressed, a girl's hormonal cycle can greatly affect how she feels on different days. 

For example, many females feel the world is falling apart 48 hours before their period starts. Many of them struggle emotionally on days 14, 15, and 16 when their hormones take a shift. 
 

My advice is that you can track her cycle (Flo is a good app or she can keep the data in an excel sheet) and prepare yourself for days when hormones take a shift because she will be more likely to behave in a negative way. Another thing you can do is advise her to see how her hormonal shifts make her feel. Some days, she will feel like she can conquer the world, and some days, she will feel like she can't do a single thing. 

A book named 'Period Power by Maisie Hill' can help you motivate your girl on how to get the best out of her best days and how to navigate her difficult days. The teachings in this book will go a long way for both of you. 

Plus, what @smackie9 mentioned about the depression, yes, it does run through the family. I started taking care of my mom when I was 13. I am worried about the same thing for myself maybe the way I overthink and how I used to be depressed might get transferred to my kids. To deal with this, you can do the following things

1. eat healthy

2. have destressing activities in your life

3. educate yourself and meditate 

Though these are basics, they do wonders for your gene expressions (saying as a professional Food Technologist with major in dietetics). 

 

[Ringop]

@Loka56

Her period started yesterday, so I think you are really spot on. She was odd on wednesday, thursday and most of friday until we met.

[Loka56]

Just a note for you: if she is behaving in a weird way that doesn't make any sense to you, check what day of her cycle it is. 

In a hormonal cycle of 28 days, she will be struggling on day 5,6,7,14,15,16,22,23, & 26, 27. (That's a lot) 

Many females don't feel a thing on day 5,6,7 & 22, 23. But others are hard for all of them. 

On these days, you can minimize the chances of getting into a fight by making sure she is not hungry and have protein dominant diet, no sugary items otherwise her mood swings will get worse, and is hydrated. 

A little understanding can help you both. Chances are, she is gonna feel guilty right after these days. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Ringop said:

She rented her home 6 years ago when she moved abroad to live with her ex.., then after 1 year we moved in together in a new place we found together.

So she primarily lives in the apartment. Are you on the lease and paying rent there as well as maintaining your own place? Does her rental income cover her costs?

Yes stay at your own place more and try to come up with solutions to the strange living arrangements. Especially since moving yet again makes no sense and is stressing her out. Try to focus on things you can do and you can address.

As far as her physical and mental health, she sees her physicians and a therapist, so please let her manage her own physical and mental healthcare.

The worst thing couples can do is try to micromanage each other's physical or mental health. It creates an imbalance. All you need to know is if she needs some alone time, then ease up on your "needs" and demands. 

You can't really ascribe all these relationship problems to PMS so please don't even try to manage that or blame relationship problems in this.

Focus on your role and what you can do to make yourself happy, reduce stress and achieve a balance. Staying in your own place more often and slowing down on the turbulence and moving suggestions etc is a great start.

[Ringop]

@Wiseman2

Yep. We both pay rent.

We earn close to the same amount, so there is no lack of balance. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Ringop said:

We both pay rent.We earn close to the same amount, so there is no lack of balance. 

Can she afford the place on her own?  If so maybe moving back to your place would ease some stress. See if she could be interested in that.

[Ringop]

40 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Can she afford the place on her own?  If so maybe moving back to your place would ease some stress. See if she could be interested in that.

Yes. Worst case scenario, her parents can help, but she will have to make some adjustments to pay it all.