What is going on with my relationship?

[MissCanuck]

I suppose as long as you're okay with this arrangement, have at it. 

If you're not okay with it, decide (for yourself) how long you're willing to live this way. 

[Ringop]

I want to move in, certainly, put a ring and have kids.

But I understand what she is saying. I don't like the arrangement to delay getting the new flat, but I want to see what her plans are to make things better for her and ultimately, for us.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Ringop said:

I want to move in, certainly, put a ring and have kids.

And has she indicated she wants this with you, too? 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Ringop said:

provide her a place where she is loved.
Don't know If I will make it, but I want to be fair with her, but with my feelings also and give it my all.

And is she going to do the same, on her end? Including give it her all?

[Sindy_0311]

I’m sorry this is happening to you, it’s a tough situation to navigate.

Essentially, what I understand Is that you have issues for 6 months now. I completely understand what she is going through as I also suffer from chronic depression and it often affected my relationships. Like her, I tend to be a loner because I don’t bond easily with people, and like her I need my ME time to just focus on myself. Now the thing is, you don’t actually live together… You have 3 appartements and she is willing to keep her day off, so what would it look like to live together and her not being able to have this space for herself? Is she even able, willing to do it? How about you both have a baby someday? Do you realize that she won’t be able to take this day off? Things could get more complicated… 

What I sense is that she isn’t in a good place to escalate things with you, mainly because she doesn’t confide in you in a way a healthy person would do, she just backs of, keeps you at a distance and this is a typical of someone not being ready (willing) to share or trust someone deeply. I guess after two years In, trust should already be present. 

I also sense that she is starting to neglect you and how you feel by being rude or disrespectful… I did the same with my ex-husband before I left him, I did so because I had resentment towards him for not making me feel good enough to forget about my issues…(maybe the reason why she said she missed the infatuation state, that often allows to escape reality when you struggle with life) 

If I were in your case, regarding the fact that you want marriage baby etc…, I would leave her. I’m sorry but I think she is not ready to go through these steps with you… at least not now. I suggest you let her figure out things by her own. Your presence and attention won’t help her get better on the contrary, I think she will resent you even more through time for not being able to make her life better…

Now this is a simple case of two people not moving at the same pace. Just think about what YOU want and if she isn’t ready for it, then you move one… that simple… 

Wish you the best, you seem to be a very good and patient guy... 

[Ringop]

@MissCanuck

I can't say for certain. I would lie to myself if I would say yes.

@Batya33

Yep, that is what she said. But certainly, time will tell.

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, Ringop said:

I can't say for certain. I would lie to myself if I would say yes.

Have you two at least discussed general goals for your future as a couple?

At 2 years, it's normal to have had that conversation. I don't mean talking about when to get married / start a family, but even if that's something she wants in her future. 

[Ringop]

@Sindy_0311

Thank you very much for your wonderful output. It's an absolute reason in that, which, without any doubt, it's spot on.

My only comment would be about "the trust". Slowly I am becoming her longest relationship. I've never had the impression that I was "only something there for her to have", I've felt her love, still do.

I think the next 6 months will be crucial. I am trying to set myself that "deadline" to see where I stand there.

[Ringop]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

Have you two at least discussed general goals for your future as a couple?

At 2 years, it's normal to have had that conversation. I don't mean talking about when to get married / start a family, but even if that's something she wants in her future. 

Yes, we did, we even talk about our retirement plans. 

But I want to point out I am not 100% sure if I want to marry her, but what I want is to grow with her, as a couple, day by day and when the time is ready, to pop the questions.

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, Ringop said:

I think the next 6 months will be crucial. I am trying to set myself that "deadline" to see where I stand there.

Just keep in mind that that the issues she is facing now will more likely reappear someday. This is what you have to expect with people suffering from depression. They can feel better for a few months, even a few years,  and then the darkness resurfaces...

I have been married for 10 years with a wonderful man, very patient and loyal, but he did suffer from it... it wasn't easy for him to deal with my changing moods... and I know that not everyone is build to cope with it... 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Ringop said:

I want to move in, 

Do you both pay rent at all three places? Your apt the shared apt and does she spend time in her own apartment? Do you maintain your other place as sort of a storage unit and basically live in the joint apartment? Does she also mainly live in the joint apartment? It doesn't seem like she's ready to live together full time. 

[Ringop]

16 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Just keep in mind that that the issues she is facing now will more likely reappear someday. This is what you have to expect with people suffering from depression. They can feel better for a few months, even a few years,  and then the darkness resurfaces...

I have been married for 10 years with a wonderful man, very patient and loyal, but he did suffer from it... it wasn't easy for him to deal with my changing moods... and I know that not everyone is build to cope with it... 

Thank you so much!

In those 10 years and so, did you ever wanted to leave him? Even if he was close to the love of your life?

[Ringop]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you both pay rent at all three places? Your apt the shared apt and does she spend time in her own apartment? Do you maintain your other place as sort of a storage unit and basically live in the joint apartment? Does she also mainly live in the joint apartment? It doesn't seem like she's ready to live together full time. 

No. We pay rent just where we live together.

The rest are owned by us. The alone time she is spending in the place we live together because her owner apartment is rented.

[eastcoastgal]

She is very inconsiderate and self absorbed. To freeze you out like that, she has no consideration for your feelings and it seems like she's too much of a coward to end it. It's making you sick and you are literally helpless. You have a right to know what's going on, you invested 2 years of your life with this person and she treats you like you are nothing... I think you deserve better. 

On the other hand ... if you say she has issues that she's dealing with and she needs space. Maybe it's private but she could tell you something... not the cold shoulder. If you're patient she may come around. But don't wait too long.

[Sindy_0311]

43 minutes ago, Ringop said:

Thank you so much!

In those 10 years and so, did you ever wanted to leave him? Even if he was close to the love of your life?

Have been thinking consistently about leaving him during the last 4 years of our marriage… it took me 4 years to be sure about it and find the strength to actually do it… he just wasn’t my person… 

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, Ringop said:

 We pay rent just where we live together.The alone time she is spending in the place we live together because her owner apartment is rented.

So you live together in the shared apt, but her other place is rented out and the shared apt is her primary residence? While your place is more of a storage unit for too much stuff? Unfortunately your living situation seems cramped and crowded and she seems to need more space and privacy. Instead of talking about getting a bigger place together, why not create more breathing room and move back to your place full time?

[Ringop]

@Wiseman2

I don't think we are at the point of me moving out. 

I asked her ok, so what are your expectations after telling me all of that and she said: well, I want to solve these issues, to feel happy with myself again and move on.

[Ringop]

And my apartment has a lot of storage, but is very livable. Is not messy or something. Actually, I've just renovated it and it looks really nice. 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Ringop said:

And my apartment has a lot of storage, , I've just renovated it and it looks really nice. 

Why not stay there more often? She seems to need more space for peace and reflection as well as some breathing room and privacy.

Try the opposite approach. Instead of clinging and asking for more appeasement of your needs, suggesting moving,etc. give her some room to breathe rather than creating more stress about moving.

[Sindy_0311]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not stay there more often? She seems to need more space for peace and reflection as well as some breathing room and privacy.

Try the opposite approach. Instead of clinging and asking for more appeasement of your needs, suggesting moving,etc. give her some room to breathe rather than creating more stress about moving.

I totally agree. it's sometimes best to go back to previous stage to let the other person make up their mind. in your case, instead of going for the engagement stage (in sharing the same apartment), you go back to intimacy but living separate...

It's one of the principles many articles talk about : The five stages of a relationship being in order: attraction - questioning - exclusivity - intimacy - engagement. If you struggle in one of these stages, you go back to the previous one... its just a way to reestablish a balance and not over invest when someone isn't moving at the same pace, but also is less drastic than a breakup... 

[Ringop]

I will try to stay two days instead of one, let's see what happens.

I am not 100% convinced because I keep on thinking at our talk and every time I said "So you don't want to move to a bigger place" she corrected me (three times) "I am afraid, not that I don't want to".

[Sindy_0311]

15 minutes ago, Ringop said:

I am not 100% convinced because I keep on thinking at our talk and every time I said "So you don't want to move to a bigger place" she corrected me (three times) "I am afraid, not that I don't want to".

Her saying she is afraid means she isn't ready to, for any reason... JMO

[Ringop]

Good shout. I think you are right.

[Batya33]

My mom is an amazing woman. My dad suffered from bipolar for most of his life. For 62 years of marriage she was his heroine and caretaker and he complied with meds and therapy.  He had a wonderful career. It was so incredibly hard on her. I don’t know how she did it. Even though he complied. It was so so hard on me and my sister. He died several years ago. She’s finally got her freedom and is living a lovely and sociable and fulfilling life. She did before but not to this extent given her role as caretaker. I don’t recommend this sort of life or marriage to anyone. JMHO

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Ringop said:

 "I am afraid, not that I don't want to".

Sounds like a good plan. Did she rent out her other place so this is her primary residence at this time? Do you pay rent at the shared place as well as whatever upkeep costs at your own place?

Did she rent out her other place in anticipation of living together? Perhaps straightening out the three places would be a better place to start than talking about getting yet another bigger place? It's unclear why you two have this awkward complicated arrangement. 

 

She seems too stressed to entertain this at this point. Perhaps she's waiting for her tenants lease to expire so she can move back to her own place and not have things be this complicated?