What is going on with my relationship?

[Ringop]

Always been secure.

Is not point in lying this. 

I was "on guard" at the beginning when we went on a three-week holiday together after we were dating for 2 weeks. I was thinking it might end after that, but instead it became really strong.

But clingy, needy and desperate, never.

But now I feel that, because of the situation. And I fear it will only do damage.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Ringop said:

Any advices how to be tonight?

I know how to talk, I just feel that now I am really anxious and do not have a clear mind and will come out guns blazing.

I would give her twice the space she seems to need.  I would not talk to her at this point since she is not behaving in a thoughtful or caring way -and she knows it. If she talks to you and contacts you in a respectful and thoughtful way then you then can have a conversation.

[Ringop]

@Batya33

I don't know what to do that.

The lack of an answer is killing me inside

But at the moment I am building up "knowledge" before the confrontation. Because I am between fences now:

One part is telling me she is acting like this because she wants to break up with me and I am not sure why.

The second that she is close to burnout because of the stress from work and she is keeping me out, instead of talking to me.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Ringop said:

@Batya33

I don't know what to do that.

The lack of an answer is killing me inside

But at the moment I am building up "knowledge" before the confrontation. Because I am between fences now:

One part is telling me she is acting like this because she wants to break up with me and I am not sure why.

The second that she is close to burnout because of the stress from work and she is keeping me out, instead of talking to me.

In either way I'd resist the temptation to interact and show restraint - the lack of an answer is not accurate -your answer is she is not interacting with you -continuously -in a respectful or thoughtful way -that is your answer.  So you keep your distance and if she returns and behaves respectfully, and apologizes and explains what she is doing to have a healthy relationship with you consider it then. That is the only relevant answer IMO

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Ringop said:

 she is close to burnout because of the stress from work and she is keeping me out, instead of talking to me.

That's fine. She may want to confide in her therapist for that rather than deal with all your needs at this time. The vacation sounds like a lot of unnecessary chaos and conflict so not relaxing at all. Maybe she needs to decompress from that. 

[Ringop]

But I am torned by the idea: was it wrong to put my needs on the table?

Isn't it normal to say to your partner when you need something?

[Batya33]

33 minutes ago, Ringop said:

But I am torned by the idea: was it wrong to put my needs on the table?

Isn't it normal to say to your partner when you need something?

It’s not a question that can be answered generally it depends on the individual situation so it varies. Last night middle of the night I was very upset to see our son still awake. My husband gave me a hug even though I also was upset with him. I needed to talk more and we also needed our sleep. I chose the latter. This morning he woke up when I did briefly - and even if I’d “needed “ to talk about this issue I put his need to sleep ahead of my need to talk. Had I insisted on keeping him awake based on my “needs “ he’d have been very annoyed that I was keeping him awake.

Another husband might have been ok with it. All good. 
See what I mean ? You’re analyzing this in an unproductive way IMO. 

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, Ringop said:

Isn't it normal to say to your partner when you need something?

Adventurous sex on a boat is not a "need".  Her carrying your luggage into the hotel for you is not a "need". Please give her space to process. Forcing her to talk when she's processing is not a "need". Please try to distinguish your preferences and wants from needs.

[Ringop]

She is not carrying my luggage 😄

No, I had all the luggage, her included. 

But those are not my needs, those are what led to arguments during the holiday.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Ringop said:

.but those are not my needs, those are what led to arguments during the holiday.

Exactly. The vacation was a tipping point and she's probably reflecting and processing and talking it over with trusted people before she formulates what she wants to share with you. 

[Ringop]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly. The vacation was a tipping point and she's probably reflecting and processing and talking it over with trusted people before she formulates what she wants to share with you. 

She doesn't have trusted people. She is a loner, sadly.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Ringop said:

She doesn't have trusted people. She is a loner, sadly.

Whatever the case, she doesn't want to confide in you. Take this time to reflect if you're both better off setting each other free.

You have an inordinate amount of complaints about her and your description frequently focuses on how defective she is compared to you.

[Ringop]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Whatever the case, she doesn't want to confide in you. Take this time to reflect if you're both better off setting each other free.

You have an inordinate amount of complaints about her and your description frequently focuses on how defective she is compared to you.

She is not defective compared to me. Not a chance.

I was just talking about these things to have a background of how she is and was. To see the full picture here.

[smackie9]

23 hours ago, Ringop said:

 

smackie9

I am not familiar with the signs of that, but sounds spot on. At the moment she is going 3 weeks with no therapy and will be until the middle of Sept because her therapist is on vacation. Since we've been together, I don't think her therapist helped her, even if they do it every week. But is not my place to say, or better said, I have no idea how to tell her that because I might be wrong and maybe my gf is not respecting what her therapist is telling her.

Yes not all therapists are the same. And to go on vacation without a fill in so everyone can't continue their treatment is negligent IMO. You can't just stand there and say nothing. If the person is still acting badly/struggling, you need to step in whether they like it or not because you are their partner...remind her you are being a part of this. If she doesn't like it, leaving would be your best option. I don't think it's fair for anyone to have to stand by, be in turmoil/walked on and let them have all the control because of worrying of upsetting them. It can't work that way. You have to put your own foot down. She don't like it, tough beans. 

[Ringop]

@smackie9

Just read again what you said.

She isn't taking any pills. Not of my knowledge.

[Ringop]

Ok, she just texted me: Babe, you want to go tonight in my hometown to meet those acquaintances and spend the weekend there at my parents home?

 

I am officially baffled.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Ringop said:

Ok, she just texted me: Babe, you want to go tonight in my hometown to meet those acquaintances and spend the weekend there at my parents home?

 

I am officially baffled.

Say I would love to as long as we can talk first about what's been going on and figure stuff out.

[tufntender]

sorry, she isn't emotionally stable. She will have these erratic mood swings until she works it out with a therapist. She may  or may not need meds for it. You are going to be on a rollercoaster with her for pretty much a long time. You can love someone and all that but it is hard to be with someone who isn't open with you. Best of luck!

 

[smackie9]

On 8/25/2023 at 7:28 AM, Ringop said:

@smackie9

Just read again what you said.

She isn't taking any pills. Not of my knowledge.

Are you sure she’s even actually getting therapy? 

[Ringop]

@smackie9

Yes. I saw a message once from her therapist asking if she can cancel. 

[Ringop]

Hi everyone,

So there is an update here. We've left on Friday and I was my normal self, acted as usual and tried to find the perfect opportunity to discuss things with her. On saturday, after lunch, we were watching a movie and we started slowly discussing things, actually she did.
She opened up and said that she is basically close to burnout because of her job and because she is not well with herself. The pressure she is putting on herself is making her unhappy. She pointed out multiple times that this has nothing to do with me, does not want a break, does not want to break up, but what is she really afraid now, and focus on the word afraid, is to move in a bigger flat, because she said: "we might not have our independence anymore and with my current state of mind, with my unhappiness, I will ruin this and I don't want that"
So, of course, I asked her then why she acted like this and she told me she has no idea, she didn't do it on purpose, but felt sorry she didn't communicate.
So, after all of this, our weekend was full of sex and cuddles, like before march.

So, I will still need time to digest this, but I really understood what she was saying and I think she is completely right, moving to a different place now, being together EVERY TIME will do her harm. And that is the last thing I want.
I understand that is going to be a really, really difficult road in front and the situation might now end up how I hope it will, but I love her and I want to try and continue to make our relationship something she feels good and safe in it and to provide her a place where she is loved.
Don't know If I will make it, but I want to be fair with her, but with my feelings also and give it my all.

[MissCanuck]

So, to sum it up: she's not ready to move in together? Is that it?

[Ringop]

To move to a bigger place, yes. We are currently living together, but with 1 day per week for ourselves in different apartments.

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, Ringop said:

We are currently living together, but with 1 day per week for ourselves in different apartments

Why is this? 

Whose apartment do you live in the other 6 days, yours or hers?

[Ringop]

30 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Why is this? 

Whose apartment do you live in the other 6 days, yours or hers?

We had this sort of arrangement since the relationship started. She is doing her therapy from home, after work, in the night, so we decided it was better to let her decompress after that. Then we moved in together, but kept that. "I need a day for me".

We live in a rented place, we both have our own apartments on the side. She rented hers, I didn't because mine is full of stuff and it's hard to move those and didn't needed the many to rent it. So usually I go there and she stays home.

We didn't move in each others apartment because we wanted to live in a better place than those.