My boyfriend wants to fix things before he propose

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

The word stupid was an example. Idk what words I used, because as I try to forget about his pornstars, I try to forget my mistakes, too. And also, I think I mentioned before that I was mentally unstable. Even if I wanted to remember what I did or said, I could not do that 

I'm sorry you have mental health struggles. I have too. But this is another reason why it's smart to hold off on getting engaged.

What treatment are you currently receiving for your mental health conditions?

[hannarivers]

Just now, boltnrun said:

I'm sorry you have mental health struggles. I have too. But this is another reason why it's smart to hold off on getting engaged.

What treatment are you currently receiving for your mental health conditions?

I dont know the term in english. This type of therapist digs to the root of your feelings, and helps you find some reassuring "mantras", (mine are : I am the master of my mind, I am enough for myself, etc) until you bring everything to the surface. Instead of just listening like my previous psychologists, they show paths and options, different views. 

[boltnrun]

What has your therapist suggested to move past your disgust and resentment toward your boyfriend?

[Batya33]

So I agree with Redswim.  OP do you now agree with what would be inappropriate behavior or cheating? Or is he just appeasing you but doesn't consider what he did inappropriate?

[boltnrun]

I had a BIG crush on a pro athlete while I was married.  I daydreamed about him.  I night dreamed about him.  I watched him on TV.  My husband and I even went to live events together to watch him (and the other athletes) compete.

I did not have any sort of personal interaction with him.  I didn't try to engage with him.  I didn't do anything inappropriate with him. 

My husband realized I had a crush on this athlete.  He found it amusing.  And actually my husband had a crush on a certain actress although we never got to see her in person.  I found his crush amusing as well.

Neither of us felt threatened by these crushes.  But we were secure with one another.

Oh, and we got married in our very early 20s.  

But then again, that was our relationship, not yours.  Different things work for different couples.

[Sindy_0311]

Have you ever considered couple therapy? I sense there are many misunderstandings in your relationship and also sexual problems. Did your boyfriend explain to you why porn is so important to him? Have you read some articles about the subject? Is he addicted to it? I feel like he might be... and you cannot treat an addiction just by saying you will stop doing it, it's a tough process that requires medication, hypnosis or group therapies like for any type of addiction. 

In the meanwhile I suggest you make some research about why men watch porn (and more precisely men who have been single for a long time) They don't see it the same way we, women, usually see it. For what I know it's often more a release of tension and not really to get pleasure. Therefore it has nothing to do with you, he isn't comparing you to his stars. Men and women are very different sexually and have different needs. Sometime its good for a men to just have a quick "express" intercourse (3-5 minute) just for him to release that tension without being preoccupied by the woman's pleasure. Is this something you could try to provide him? Try to talk about it with him and propose that next time instead of him spending 40 minutes trying to make you finish. Just a suggestion that I think he might appreciate. 

Anyway I suggest you take some meaningful steps if you want to make this relationship work, because for now I see it very stressful, and it should not be like that, JMO. 

 

[hannarivers]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

. Is this something you could try to provide him? Try to talk about it with him and propose that next time instead of him spending 40 minutes trying to make you finish.

It was the routine for 3 years. I could not O in V, I could not receive oral because of health problems. After he stopped watching porn, we spent more quality time on s3x and that is how he discovered that he can pleasure me. And I think he likes it more this way, and I also feel less like doing a chore. Of course I loved being with him before, but it was about him, because I didnt know any way to enjoy it phisically. 

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

It was the routine for 3 years. I could not O in V, I could not receive oral because of health problems. After he stopped watching porn, we spent more quality time on s3x and that is how he discovered that he can pleasure me. And I think he likes it more this way, and I also feel less like doing a chore. Of course I loved being with him before, but it was about him, because I didnt know any way to enjoy it phisically. 

I think sexuality is something essential in a couple. So do you talk about your needs and desires together? Do you think he is sexually satisfied? because it seems like now its mostly you who are getting pleasure... maybe I'm wrong.. 

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

doing a chore

I wouldn't call it a chore, but something a woman should be able and happy to provide to her partner/husband... if somedays you don't want to have a O, then just propose a quickie instead...

I think its good to keep a balance between the quicks, medium and long intercourses depending on each other needs on a specific moment and mood... 

[Sindy_0311]

4 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Is he addicted to it?

Can you reply to this? 

[hannarivers]

31 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

somedays you don't want to have a O, then just propose a quickie instead...

This happens. Lets say if he have it 4-5 times a week, it is about me 2-3 times. So, yeah, I do offer quicks. 

31 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Can you reply to this? 

I could not say. He stopped from one day to another. And if anyone is curious how I could trust him, I just do. I had my doubts, but I see change in behaviour, so I am 100% sure that he doesnt watch porn from the outside. He might have had an addiction, but not the one that is the so called addiction. He never watched porn for fun, instead of other activities, or for hours. He used porn for about 20 minutes before we became a couple, and after we got together, it was mostly shorter times. After a few years together, he began to use it for about 10-15 minutes a week (if he tells the truth). After I found out, he completely stopped M.ing for about two months and we just had s3x. Later we made a video together, and he used that about every two weeks. So yes, he was addicted in a way that he could not M without it, but he didnt M more just because there was porn available.

[Batya33]

47 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

This happens. Lets say if he have it 4-5 times a week, it is about me 2-3 times. So, yeah, I do offer quicks. 

I could not say. He stopped from one day to another. And if anyone is curious how I could trust him, I just do. I had my doubts, but I see change in behaviour, so I am 100% sure that he doesnt watch porn from the outside. He might have had an addiction, but not the one that is the so called addiction. He never watched porn for fun, instead of other activities, or for hours. He used porn for about 20 minutes before we became a couple, and after we got together, it was mostly shorter times. After a few years together, he began to use it for about 10-15 minutes a week (if he tells the truth). After I found out, he completely stopped M.ing for about two months and we just had s3x. Later we made a video together, and he used that about every two weeks. So yes, he was addicted in a way that he could not M without it, but he didnt M more just because there was porn available.

So if you end up breaking up what are the safeguards with this video you made? 

[hannarivers]

51 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So if you end up breaking up what are the safeguards with this video you made? 

Honest answer? My partner is not a bad person. Delete it. And if not, why would I care? He would never release it. And if he used it, well, good for him, I dont care. Even if it was released, I had s3x with my then boyfriend. If anyone has a thing to say about a woman having intercourse with their man, shame on them. I know some might have different opinions, but I really dont care.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

Honest answer? My partner is not a bad person. Delete it. And if not, why would I care? He would never release it. And if he used it, well, good for him, I dont care. Even if it was released, I had s3x with my then boyfriend. If anyone has a thing to say about a woman having intercourse with their man, shame on them. I know some might have different opinions, but I really dont care.

You do you of course!  For some it might be professionally very very harmful or emotionally very harmful.  Very good that you don't care. Your partner can be a very good person and a new girlfriend could find it and decide to post it, etc. but since that's all fine with you -very good!

[MissCanuck]

How would you feel if you discovered he's watched porn again at some point? 

And I don't mean the video he made with you. 

[hannarivers]

46 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

How would you feel if you discovered he's watched porn again at some point? 

And I don't mean the video he made with you. 

Im sure he did not. When he lied, I asked all the time because I felt it. Now I feel safe. But if he did do it and told me, thats fine. Idc until he is honest

[MissCanuck]

50 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

But if he did do it and told me, thats fine. Idc until he is honest

That's what I was asking. 

It is unlikely he will never, ever view it again. I was curious to hear if you would be okay with it, or if it would be a deal-breaker. 

[Wiseman2]

Your BF seems to have a point about stabilizing things before making it legal.

There is a history of turmoil and conflict so until you two are on and even keel for a while it's better to hold off.

But. Open a savings account in your name and make deposits for your future rather than spending money on his family property. That's a step you can do now toward not overinvesting. That's the biggest issue here.

Read up on "sunk cost fallacy". It's when overinvesting whether time energy or money, prevents you from being objective about a situation.

[hannarivers]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your BF seems to have a point about stabilizing things before making it legal.

There is a history of turmoil and conflict so until you two are on and even keel for a while it's better to hold off.

But. Open a savings account in your name and make deposits for your future rather than spending money on his family property. That's a step you can do now toward not overinvesting. That's the biggest issue here.

Read up on "sunk cost fallacy". It's when overinvesting whether time energy or money, prevents you from being objective about a situation.L

Look. I dont want to reveal my country. I dont know anything about dollar, but you will understand the ratio. Lets say my salary is 25000 dollars. I save 10000 dollars each month. I have spent around 25000 on this property, and of course the utility bills. 

[dias]

9 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

Look. I dont want to reveal my country. I dont know anything about dollar, but you will understand the ratio. Lets say my salary is 25000 dollars. I save 10000 dollars each month. I have spent around 25000 on this property, and of course the utility bills. 

Something is wrong in the math here.

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

. I have spent around 25000 on this property, 

Exactly. Just stop doing that and only pay your portion of expenses. Save the rest for your future. Whether it's a wedding, more education, things you need etc.  Money dumped into rental property, especially his family's will never be recovered. 

[hannarivers]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly. Just stop doing that and only pay your portion of expenses. Save the rest for your future. Whether it's a wedding, more education, things you need etc.  Money dumped into rental property, especially his family's will never be recovered. 

You are wrong on this one. I will probably live here for at least 6 more months. Rent would cost 15000, and I get 25000. In 6 months, rent would be 90000. So investing 25000 for lets say 6 months is not a bad thing. And if and I am sure it is not an if, we stay together, we will spend at least 2 years here before going somewhere else. I think saving 25000/10000 each month is amazing enough. My partner works at a place where he can bring groceries from for free, so I mostly buy snacks and eat out sometimes. 

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

You are wrong on this one. I will probably live here for at least 6 more months. Rent would cost 15000, and I get 25000. In 6 months, rent would be 90000. So investing 25000 for let’s say 6 months is not a bad thing. And if and I am sure it is not an if, we stay together, we will spend at least 2 years here before going somewhere else. I think saving 25000/10000 each month is amazing enough. My partner works at a place where he can bring groceries from for free, so I mostly buy snacks and eat out sometimes. 

Take it from an old married lady and mom. You can NEVER save enough especially when you’re single. It felt so awesome to have amassed a considerable nest egg in my 30s / in my 20s I had some grad school loans. I never ever put $ into my rental in which I lived for about 15 years. Right now I have my coffee table in front of me. Purchased in 2005 I think for my rental.   Now in our home and still in good shape. I did spend $ on comfy linens and blankets and towels. Good quality. And I sent out my laundry back then because I worked crazy hours. 
much better to invest $ instead of buying interior decorations for an apartment you don’t own or have any equity in. JMHO 

I felt so much more independent and comfortable being a SAHM and contributing to the family income and still having $$$ in savings. 

[BecxyRex]

I haven’t read through all the replies, so I apologize if this has been brought up. To me it seems that you view marriage as a status symbol to show the outside world that your boyfriend “chose” you and you’re a taken woman. I’d be alarmed if my boyfriend told me that he feels there’s too much tension and arguments and would try my best to make him feel comfortable in the relationship. His feelings matter too. Maybe it’s not fact, but this isn’t court where he needs to show evidence to support his claim. It’s how he feels. What are you doing to make him feel more loved?

[hannarivers]

16 minutes ago, BecxyRex said:

I haven’t read through all the replies, so I apologize if this has been brought up. To me it seems that you view marriage as a status symbol to show the outside world that your boyfriend “chose” you and you’re a taken woman. I’d be alarmed if my boyfriend told me that he feels there’s too much tension and arguments and would try my best to make him feel comfortable in the relationship. His feelings matter too. Maybe it’s not fact, but this isn’t court where he needs to show evidence to support his claim. It’s how he feels. What are you doing to make him feel more loved?

Yeah, I am already over the main topic, all these people said something smart. Thank you for your reply! I do the things he said he loves. Scrach his back, stroke his hair for hours after a long day, make him tasty things, statisfy him when he asks for it (I truly dont mind, even if he asks for it when I am tired), accompany him to places (he said himself that he is happy when I go with him to places, eg testing his car). I usually ask him what he needs from me to feel good, and do that. 

[hannarivers]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Take it from an old married lady and mom. You can NEVER save enough especially when you’re single. It felt so awesome to have amassed a considerable nest egg in my 30s / in my 20s I had some grad school loans. I never ever put $ into my rental in which I lived for about 15 years. Right now I have my coffee table in front of me. Purchased in 2005 I think for my rental.   Now in our home and still in good shape. I did spend $ on comfy linens and blankets and towels. Good quality. And I sent out my laundry back then because I worked crazy hours. 
much better to invest $ instead of buying interior decorations for an apartment you don’t own or have any equity in. JMHO 

I felt so much more independent and comfortable being a SAHM and contributing to the family income and still having $$$ in savings. 

I agree and I dont. I also want to live happily. My family never had money. If buying a wig makes me happy, I wanna do it. If buying another houseplant makes me happy, I wanna buy that. I want to be happy and not always worry about the future. I have done that and did not work for me. I have an incovenient salary. I still save 2/5 part of it. I probably wont buy a house without a mortgage, but at least I have spent those 5-6 years feeling "wealthy".