My boyfriend wants to fix things before he propose

[itsallgrand]

36 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I agree and I dont. I also want to live happily. My family never had money. If buying a wig makes me happy, I wanna do it. If buying another houseplant makes me happy, I wanna buy that. I want to be happy and not always worry about the future. I have done that and did not work for me. I have an incovenient salary. I still save 2/5 part of it. I probably wont buy a house without a mortgage, but at least I have spent those 5-6 years feeling "wealthy". 

Can you do that while living on your own? Have you ever lived on your own and without being in a relationship?

 

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Can you do that while living on your own? Have you ever lived on your own and without being in a relationship?

 

Yes this.  Remember investing and saving money wisely makes it grow and grow -these things you buy for a rental - are disposable.

[boltnrun]

"Feeling wealthy" is also important to you? Why?

[Batya33]

So how does spending money on stuff make you feel wealthy? You are worrying a lot about the future -you're very intensely focused on whether he will meet your 4 year or bust proposal deadline.  "What makes me happy" is sort of circular -perhaps explore why accumulating stuff makes you happy and why feeling wealthy makes you happy?

[itsallgrand]

Im wondering too if you came from the kind of family where you didn't necessarily always have even the basics? I've seen similar with a few relatives and friends. They didn't have the most functional homes growing up, and some even worried about enough to eat/medicine/heat in the winter. There was this pattern I observed, without intervention, they glommed on to relationships very early and moved in. They often married as soon as they could, and some couldn't even spend a literal night alone. It's some people's response to having experienced real insecurity at getting needs met in their lives.

Am I way off or is this part of the reason you've wanted to nail this all down so quick even though both of you are just starting to turn some pages on major issues you are working through personally and in being partners to someone? Like if you can just stay together, get married, get the house and the rest , you think you will finally be at ease/happy/not struggle? 

[hannarivers]

I will try to answer this topic the last time. My country is poor. The rich eat us alive. No, I would not be living comfortably alone. My paycheck would not even last the end of the month. But no, not the reason I am with my partner and it is hurtful for me to see someone say I wanna marry because of this. I wanna do it because I want to belong to him in every way. But I will wait for it. Feeling wealthy and loving it is not a bad thing. All my life, I had to choose between this and that. Now I dont. No one can tell me that is is worth it to suffer for 5 MORE years just so I can buy a house faster. I dont even need a house until my mid thirties, because I am sure moving is in the picture. Until that, I can save up enough without having to live as I lived for around 20 years. None of my friends or colleagues save as much as I do and I have the worst salary. 

With my previous post, I got so many positive feelings because of the great advices, even when they were straightforward. But now I feel like I am getting lower because of this topic. I already have thought it through. Money, living. I had peace with that. But now I feel anxious. If buying things keeps me sane /going, then it is neccessary. Putting money into this home is an investment, because I will have a nice home for at least a few months. I know I will stand my ground in the future, alone, in a relationship, or if I dont save all my money. I can die in a month. Having all my paycheck in the bank wont leave me with good memories. But going to the Coffee shop, buying a big sweet coffee with my own money and sitting by the river will. 

[Loka56]

48 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I will try to answer this topic the last time. My country is poor. The rich eat us alive. No, I would not be living comfortably alone. My paycheck would not even last the end of the month. But no, not the reason I am with my partner and it is hurtful for me to see someone say I wanna marry because of this. I wanna do it because I want to belong to him in every way. But I will wait for it. Feeling wealthy and loving it is not a bad thing. All my life, I had to choose between this and that. Now I dont. No one can tell me that is is worth it to suffer for 5 MORE years just so I can buy a house faster. I dont even need a house until my mid thirties, because I am sure moving is in the picture. Until that, I can save up enough without having to live as I lived for around 20 years. None of my friends or colleagues save as much as I do and I have the worst salary. 

With my previous post, I got so many positive feelings because of the great advices, even when they were straightforward. But now I feel like I am getting lower because of this topic. I already have thought it through. Money, living. I had peace with that. But now I feel anxious. If buying things keeps me sane /going, then it is neccessary. Putting money into this home is an investment, because I will have a nice home for at least a few months. I know I will stand my ground in the future, alone, in a relationship, or if I dont save all my money. I can die in a month. Having all my paycheck in the bank wont leave me with good memories. But going to the Coffee shop, buying a big sweet coffee with my own money and sitting by the river will. 

I can relate. I am from a family who can afford everything, literally EVERY luxurious thing, but somehow, I never got any. I had to work hard to get what I wanted. And as soon as I became able to get whatever I wanted, it made me feel so happy. I guess you can understand the happiness I feel. 

There's also a thing: in my university, all of my friends were engaged to very wealthy families. I belonged to a wealthy family, and that's how I was able to get along with wealthy ones. Even with those who were in the upper financial class than me. They all had gold from their in-laws and finances, and a lot of it. It was like, even if they miss a thing or two, it won't matter. I grew up with this mentality: gold shows your status. Because it does, especially in the class I belong to. 

I have got a few things of gold on my own. But now I think it's a trap. A trap that having something will make me happy. It just means not having it will make me sad. It simply means my happiness depends on that thing. And I think I shouldn't give a THING this much power over me. I think liberating myself from this feeling would be much better for my future. 

Like a person who is happy in her own skin. Just trying to give you a perspective here. 

[Loka56]

On 8/16/2023 at 7:47 PM, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like he's very happy just living together and has no intention of marrying.   Step back. Stop cooking cleaning acting like a wife when you're not. What incentive does he have to marry you if it's already like you're married?

I will also say the same thing as above. 

I never wanted to do a job and wanted to be a housewife. I was engaged and ready to get married. But the man wasn't, and he was enjoying his youth. We had so many discussions about why we should get married, and after waiting for 4 years, I was so done and called my engagement off. After that, he reached out to me several times for getting married, but it was just his way to be with me. 

I worked on myself for 3 years. Acquired everything on my own, which I would have gotten from getting married, and then started being in the places to get introduced to males. 

If you think you are ready to get married, and he is not, then I'd say you can't change his mind. I am married now. And this man was ready to get married from day one, same as me. It saved me from multiple discussions about 'we should get married by now.'

[hannarivers]

I dont want to get married yet. Id be okay to do that in 5 or so years. But I agree with you. I havent arrived to that point where he can waste my time. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, hannarivers said:

If buying things keeps me sane /going, then it is neccessary.

That's not how it works -it's -if buying things you cannot afford -because if you lived on your own you could not -and you're not married so that could happen - keeps you sane you then get help of some sort to figure out why you feel you need that. If your boyfriend told you he needed to watch porn to keep himself sane, so it's necessary, what would you say? If you told yourself you needed to eat tons of junk food to keep you sane when your doctor told you it was affecting your physical health would you say "no it keeps me sane so eating all this junk food is necessary."

My daily workout keeps me sane but when I've had surgeries where the doctor tells me -you cannot work out for __ days because of ___ I don't tell her "but workouts keep me sane so they're necessary -I'll risk the stitches coming out/harming my recovery"

You balance what you crave against the benefits and downsides of giving in to the craving -you've convinced yourself you need this stuff to keep you sane but the downside is your future baby can't eat a decorative shelf, for example. I mean extreme but don't indulge in "well it makes me feel sane so it must be necessary to do [potentially harmful or unhealthy behavior"].  

[Batya33]

25 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I dont want to get married yet. Id be okay to do that in 5 or so years. But I agree with you. I havent arrived to that point where he can waste my time. 

If he's not willing to tell you he's ready to get married in 5 years from now or sooner I'd move on.  My parents were engaged for about 4-5 years so that my mom could finish college and my dad went long distance to med school.  But they had a specific plan to marry the month after my mom finished college and they did.  People often make plans that far in advance for logistical reasons.  

Also is your plan to continue to assume that you will live with him and have the financial perks that come with it -for the next 5 years?

(Also coffee makes me really happy too on a daily basis-I make my own at home in my lowkey cuisinart 12 cup -typically I buy ground coffee that is on sale so I can get the varieties I like and sometimes I splurge -my friend's daughter who is in her mid 20s buys the fancy coffee drinks (those are not coffee IMO -it's a beverage with coffee in it LOL) and likely spends $25 a week on drinks.  My bag of coffee is around $6 and lasts weeks -I just add milk though.  Occasionally I buy it out and/or get my son a fancy hot chocolate).

[itsallgrand]

4 hours ago, hannarivers said:

I will try to answer this topic the last time. My country is poor. The rich eat us alive. No, I would not be living comfortably alone. My paycheck would not even last the end of the month. But no, not the reason I am with my partner and it is hurtful for me to see someone say I wanna marry because of this. I wanna do it because I want to belong to him in every way. But I will wait for it. Feeling wealthy and loving it is not a bad thing. All my life, I had to choose between this and that. Now I dont. No one can tell me that is is worth it to suffer for 5 MORE years just so I can buy a house faster. I dont even need a house until my mid thirties, because I am sure moving is in the picture. Until that, I can save up enough without having to live as I lived for around 20 years. None of my friends or colleagues save as much as I do and I have the worst salary. 

With my previous post, I got so many positive feelings because of the great advices, even when they were straightforward. But now I feel like I am getting lower because of this topic. I already have thought it through. Money, living. I had peace with that. But now I feel anxious. If buying things keeps me sane /going, then it is neccessary. Putting money into this home is an investment, because I will have a nice home for at least a few months. I know I will stand my ground in the future, alone, in a relationship, or if I dont save all my money. I can die in a month. Having all my paycheck in the bank wont leave me with good memories. But going to the Coffee shop, buying a big sweet coffee with my own money and sitting by the river will. 

I'm sorry if my post upset you or made you sad. I did not intend that. I was honestly trying to understand why . And your response does help me understand, and others reading. 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

I'm sorry if my post upset you or made you sad. I did not intend that. I was honestly trying to understand why . And your response does help me understand, and others reading. 

Yes -I understand too.  My mother was born in the mid 1930s. Her parents, immigrants from a dangerous country - then lived through the depression -so she had the challenges of developing a normal relationship with money/finances etc (and she did!) - but it could not have been easy growing up that way.